Love, But Never (22 page)

              “Okay.”

              “Your father is there now.  He’s going to work about eleven, though.  She’s in room 342.”

              “Thanks, mom. I love you.”

              “I love you, too.”  Marissa had the overwhelming urge to throw her phone at the nearest wall, but she resisted.  Instead, she just stared at it, shocked.

              “Ris?” John said, groggy with sleep.  “What’s going on?”

              “My grandma is in the hospital.  Her cancer is back.” She hung her head and tried to blink away the tears welling in her eyes.

              “I’m sorry,” Marissa felt John’s hand start to rub her back. 

              “Thanks.  I’m going to visit her later.”

              “Does this mean you aren’t going to the Regret Lingers show?”

              “Really?  That’s your question? Come on, John!” Marissa nearly catapulted herself from the bed and started to get dressed.

              “What?  It’s a serious question.  I don’t want you to do anything stupid in your grief.”

              “Wow!  Are you fucking kidding me with this?” Marissa’s jaw dropped at the inappropriateness of his question.

              “Ris, come on, you know how you get when you are in pain.  You don’t think logically sometimes,” John scrambled out of his bed and grabbed her arm.

              “While that
may
be true, this isn’t exactly the greatest time to bring it up, John.”  She ripped her arm from his grasp and gathered the rest of her belongings and started to walk towards his door.

              “I’m sorry!  Okay?  Look, if you still need to go tonight and unwind, I understand.”  He followed her, making one last attempt to quell her anger.

              “See!  I knew you knew why I’d still want to go tonight!” Marissa stopped and turned to give him a hug good-bye.

              “Can you wear jeans and a t-shirt tonight?  No skirts or dresses?”  His blue eyes pleaded with her.

              “Yes, I can.  Thank you for understanding,” Marissa leaned up and kissed him before leaving his stoop.

              “I’ll be home til four, if you need to talk.  I hope your grandma is okay!” He called after her as she slid behind the wheel of her truck and looked at the time.  Ten forty. 
‘If I head that way now, I’ll get there after dad’s gone,’
she thought as she put the truck in gear and grabbed her phone again, dialing without thinking.

              “Marissa?” a voice answered.

              “Yeah,” her response was softer than she intended.

              “What’s wrong?  You haven’t called in ages.  I thought we were relegated to IM friends now,” the concern in the voice was evident.

              “I’m sorry about that, Aaron.  I’m just- you know, John…” she paused.

              “I know.”

              “Aaron, it’s my grandma. She’s in the hospital.”

              “I’m so sorry, what happened?” he asked, she thought he sounded genuinely interested.

              “Cancer…” she whispered.  “She had colon cancer a few years ago, and it had already metastasized.  She went through radiation and had surgeries to remove everything they could, but her doctors said there was a one hundred percent chance the cancer would come back.”

              “Wow, honey.  I had no idea.”

              “No, it’s not something I really talk about.  We watched my grandpa die of lung cancer two years before that.  She had the surgery the summer after I graduated from high school.  She just had a scan at Thanksgiving, when she broke her wrist.  Everything was clear. Now, though…” Marissa took a deep breath and came to a stop in the left hand turn lane.  “Aaron, it’s in her brain.” She heard him gasp on the other end of the phone.

              “I’m so sorry.  I wish there was something I could do.”

              “I’m heading to the hospital now.”

              “Do you want me to meet you?”

              “No, I just wanted you to listen.  I don’t know what I’m about to walk in and see, you know?  I avoid hospitals like the plague since my grandpa died.  There is nothing more difficult than watching someone you love, someone who is so strong and vibrant, slowly deteriorate to such a vile illness,” Marissa’s voice was a whisper again as the tears she’d been holding back started to trail down her cheeks.

              “Are you sure you don’t want someone there with you? Even if it’s not me? John?”

              “I’ll be okay, but thank you, you know, for listening,” she said as she pulled into a parking spot near the entrance of the large hospital.

              “Anytime.” Marissa pressed the end button and took a deep breath.  After wiping the tears from her eyes, she squared her shoulders and headed for room 342.

              Marissa gave a soft knock on the door before entering.

              “Hi, Marissa,” her grandma greeted, warmly.  “I’m so glad you are here.”

              “I didn’t get a chance to stop in the gift shop before coming to see you, but I’ll have some flowers sent later,” Marissa bent to hug her grandmother.

              “Oh, you don’t have to do that, honey,” she smiled.  “Did you bring Jared with you?”

              “No, sorry, grandma.  He’s in school right now, besides, you know I don’t live with mom and dad anymore.”

              “I know.  I’m just hoping he’ll come to visit.”

              “I understand, but you know how he feels about hospitals.”

              “Yeah.”  Marissa’s grandma nodded in agreement, and looked down at her hands.

              “How are you feeling?”

              “Alright, but the food…,” she chuckled, motioning to the gray mashed potatoes and mushy carrots on her lunch tray.  “Loved the gelatin though.”

              “How long are they going to keep you?”

              “They are taking me for a few more scans today and some tests.  Then I’ll get some options.  After I decide, I’ll go back to Ryan’s.  Maybe Jared’ll come then?”

              Marissa shrugged, disheertened that her grandmother seemed disappointed that she and not her brother had come to visit her.  “How bad is it?” Marissa looked down at the hand her grandmother was holding and squeezed.

              “We don’t know yet, but brain cancer can be quite aggressive.  Especially since it wasn’t there three months ago.”  Her grandma’s eyes focused on the door frame, and Marissa turned to find a tall, attractive male orderly standing in the doorway.

              “Mrs. Masterson?  I’m going to take you down to radiology now, are you ready?” he smiled.

              “As ready as I’ll ever be, right?” Marissa watched her grandma pull together her courage and sat up straighter in the bed, as the orderly brought a wheelchair to her bedside.

              “I’ll leave you to it, grandma, okay?”

              “Okay, honey.  Thanks for coming. I love you.”

              “I love you, too.” Marissa bent to her grandmother, now in the wheelchair and kissed her cheek, before watching the orderly push her toward her tests.  Watching her leave, she felt hollowness in her chest, like she’d already lost her.  Out of everything, Marissa knew John was right.  She wanted to do something stupid to numb the pain, but she needed to be stronger than that, especially now.  

CHAPTER 16

February 2002

              “Wow, you look positively school marm-ish, compared to the stuff you usually wear to their shows,” Lucian chuckled as he slipped into Marissa’s truck that evening. 

              “What?” Marissa looked down at her low-rise blue jeans and curve-hugging basic red t-shirt, glad he was focused on her attire and not her forlorn face.  She plastered the fakest smile she could across her lips.

              “Still sexy as hell, but it’s not like you to not have a
smidge
of cleavage,” Lucian said.

              “I have no idea what you are talking about,” she hedged, “I’ve had this shirt for awhile.”

              “The way the fabric is stretched against your chest, I’d say the last time you wore that shirt was before you
developed,
” he pointed at her breasts.  “Like twelve or thirteen?”

              “Fourteen,” Marissa said.

              “I knew you then, but,” he stopped to stare at her chest again, making Marissa sigh in frustration. “You have grown since then…haven’t you?”

              “Lucian, stop staring at my breasts,” she shot a nasty look at him, quickly, to show him she was serious.

              “Then, why the drastic change in attire?” he smirked.

              “John chose the wardrobe tonight, kind of” she conceded.

              “Oh?” Lucian raised an eyebrow.  “Are we official now?”

              “Yup,” Marissa frowned slightly before putting together a mega-watt smile for Lucian.

              “I thought we’d be happier by this information.”

              “I’m happy, just wish it hadn’t come out of his jealousy.  I’ve got other things going on now, too.  But I’m happy,” Marissa glanced over, trying to reassure herself, more than Lucian.

              “Okay, if that’s what you think, that’s good enough for me,” Lucian adjusted his leather jacket and leaned back to enjoy the ride to the Amazon. 

              Liv was standing next to her car when Marissa and Lucian arrived and waved furiously at their approach.  “I’m so glad you guys are here!” she linked her arm with Marissa’s and started walking toward the door to the theatre.  “You look great tonight, Marissa!”

              “Thanks!  You, too, Liv,” Marissa complemented her.  She did look amazing, her black pixie cut hair was slicked back and her green eyes were framed with the smokiest eye shadow.  It really made them pop.  She was wearing a form fitting emerald green sleeveless peasant style top with a square neckline that gave her more cleavage than usual and black pants that were so tight they might’ve been painted on.  It was clear that she wanted Kyle’s attention tonight.

              “Thanks!  John’s not coming, too?” she asked, paying her way into the theatre and taking the stairs toward the basement.

              “No, he’s working tonight,” Marissa informed her.

              “Oh.”  Marissa noted a distinctly disappointed look on Liv’s face at the information.

              As the threesome descended into the basement, Aaron came barreling around the corner and stopped in his tracks as his dark eyes met Marissa’s.  She froze under his gaze and she swore she saw something in them she didn’t recognize.  Something greater than simple desire, but she’d never seen it before, so she wasn’t sure.  They seemed to have their own moment, staring into each other’s eyes, the air between them seemed to smolder and crackle with electricity, then she saw him shake his head, as if clearing out his thoughts, walk toward her.

              “Hey, I want to catch up, but I have a few things that need to be taken care of really quick,” he grabbed her forearms and gave her a quick hug before disappearing up the stairwell.  Marissa wondered if he’d even noticed Lucian and Liv.

              “Wow, that was hot!” Liv observed.

              “What?” Marissa shook her own head free of the explicit images of her and Aaron that were now racing through her head because of his slight touch.  Marissa felt sick at the thought that the temptation was still there.

              “You said you and Aaron were just friends… You are wrong.  That boy is hot for you,” she pointed in the direction Aaron disappeared.

              “We’re friends, Liv.  We haven’t seen each other in awhile,” Marissa rolled her eyes at Lucian’s scoff beside her.  She turned toward him, “
WHAT?!”
Marissa snarled.

              “Nothing, I’m just pretty sure that he’s seen your ‘O’ face more than John has,” Lucian said, watching Liv’s face light up with more interest than Marissa felt necessary.

              “John and I have been together way more than Aaron and I,” she answered, a slight blush coming to her cheeks.

              “That’s not what I meant, doll, and you know it,” he said, pointedly and her blush deepened.

              “Hey,” Marissa heard from behind her, and her eyes widened, hoping he hadn’t just heard her exchange with Lucian and Liv.  She turned into the deep, dark eyes of Aaron again and she felt her breath catch for a moment before she realized she needed to breathe normally, so Liv and Lucian didn’t start making assumptions again.

              “Hey!  I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!” She beamed at him.

              “I know! How long as it been?” he put his finger to his temple and tapped it in thought. “Six…months?” he pulled her in for a hug and whispered in her ear, “But I’m glad you called this afternoon, how’d everything go?”

              “Um, okay, not great,” she whispered back before breaking the hug and adding, “Has it been that long since we hung out?  Time flies, right?” she forced a chuckle, hoping her friends didn’t pick up on the coincidence on the timeline.  “You remember Lucian?  And this is Liv.”  She introduced, trying to change the subject.

              “Nice to meet you, and see you again,” he smiled, but barely threw a glance in their direction as he seemed to be assessing her, checking to see if she really was okay.  “We need to catch up,” he said, pulling her in for another hug before whispering “SOON” into her ear for only Marissa to hear.  She felt goose bumps forming on her arms and the hairs on her neck standing at attention at his breath on her skin.  Desire pooled deep within her and she started to feel like her legs might give out when he released her from their hug.  He looked at her one last time before getting back to setting up the sound for the show.

              “Six months, huh?” Liv smirked, unfortunately, having put two and two together.

              “Yeah,” Marissa said, taking a deep breath at the inquisition she was sure was about to commence when she saw Kyle standing near one of the speakers beside stage.  An idea sparked and she grabbed Liv’s arm and started to drag her toward the stage before Liv’s next question formed.