Love 'Em or Leave 'Em (22 page)

One month later

Ashley walked into her apartment and tossed her keys onto the sideboard next to the front door while juggling mail, purse, and shopping bags. She hit Play on the answering machine as she passed into the kitchen. Kelli's voice came on the machine. Her friend wouldn't give up. She felt responsible for the pain and sadness she had caused Ashley. Granted, Ashley never would have been on the show if it weren't for Kelli, but she wasn't angry and didn't blame Kelli for any of it. Sometimes life is hard and you have to deal with it. Kelli, however, wouldn't accept it. She'd made it her mission to pull Ashley out of her slump. Ashley loved her dearly, but needed space to heal and time to put her life back together.

Unfortunately, she kept hoping for a call from Luke. He'd never said he would call and she had never asked him to. But their parting had been so much less than ideal. She wanted a chance for closure, and to express her gratitude for all the kind things he'd said at the rose ceremony when he had taken the blame for all the craziness. But she had never gotten the chance to let him know how much his kindness meant. She'd fallen hard for him, but had let her stubborn pride keep her from giving them a chance. Now she was alone and Luke was with Cricket. She fought to keep her emotions at a distance. She had become numb to protect herself.

Ashley deleted Kelli's message. She'd call when she was ready to rehash it all, but now she needed to focus on her future. She'd started a new job. It was a great opportunity and she wanted to consume herself with work for a while. Promos for the show had already begun to air and the broadcast would begin in another week. She wanted to keep her nose to the grindstone so no one would notice her connection to the show. If she was lucky, the most she'd be was a blip on the local radar ... she hoped.

Three months later

"Ashley, you need to see this," Kelli insisted for the umpteenth time.

"No, I don't," Ashley replied stubbornly from Kelli's hotel kitchenette. "I lived it and that was more than I could handle. I'm trying to move forward, not backward, here."

The last few weeks had become increasingly difficult. "Love 'Em or Leave 'Em" grew more popular with every episode. Ashley's recognition grew each day as she stopped for gas or went to the store, let alone actually tried to go out socially. The producers insisted she not date until after the final show aired. Not too hard to argue with that.

She still felt the pain even though many weeks had passed since the final taping. Most of the time she was able to hide it from herself and pretend life was fine. However, she mourned losing Luke. He was the most amazing person she'd ever met. When she had been with Luke, she'd felt whole, as if something had been missing before she'd met him. It was stupid and trite and probably no more than schoolgirl infatuation. Face it, the situation was anything but normal. So, why couldn't she get him out of her mind and out of her heart?

Kelli had hounded her for two weeks to get together to watch the final episode. All Ashley wanted to do was stay home, like the hermit she'd become, and eat chocolate chips with peanut butter. Finally, she'd given in when Kelli had said it would help her put closure to the situation. Closure was a good thing and she needed to move on. She didn't look forward to seeing herself on TV with Luke, especially during such a painful exchange. At least she'd missed the episode where she screamed like a raving lunatic. Her new coworkers still razzed her about it.

Her biggest concern was how to sit and watch Luke with Cricket. She liked Cricket, even if she was named after a bug. Luke deserved such a nice woman. It was hard to say if they would last, since most of the reality couples never did, but Cricket was different. She could handle the rich friends, the media, the down-home atmosphere. Ashley wished she could be more like Cricket, but she wasn't.

"Okay fine. I'll watch. But I need more chocolate before you turn on the TV." She paced in front of the counter. "And where's the chocolate ice cream? I'll buy into the whole closure thing, but don't expect me to take it like a man. I plan to get sick as a dog. If I throw up, all for the best. It will be my ceremonial cleansing."

Ashley watched the show, melting chocolate in her hand. At first she was critical of seeing herself on TV. Her nose looked too big and her voice sounded funny. But, after a while, she was transported back to that night, when she had been filled with dread ... and hope.

As she watched herself walk down the softly lit pathway, she was able to see the experience from a new perspective. On-screen, she actually looked confident and beautiful. She sat on the edge of her seat, transfixed as she observed Luke await her arrival. He was devastatingly handsome. His stance was casual, but she knew how difficult it had been for him too. Then, as she stepped up to join him, she tripped, and this time he caught and saved her ... and her pedicure. Ashley smiled, remembering the moment fondly. Kelli sat quietly, watching Ashley.

The rose ceremony continued as Luke gave his beautiful speech to Ashley and released her from the show, and from him. There were no cameras hounding her now, and tears ran freely as she watched them say their final good-bye.

It hurt so much. Still.

Ashley stood during a commercial break to find a tissue to wipe her eyes and nose. It was hard to relive, but it was great to be able to see Luke, to watch his every movement, to watch his expressions change. He exuded quiet strength without even realizing it. Kelli was taping the show, so now she'd have him on tape forever.

Ashley was in the bathroom when Kelli yelled from the other room, "Come on, it's back on"

Not sure if she could watch Luke give the rose to Cricket, she replied, "Okay, in a minute."

When she returned to the living room, Cricket stood in the place she had vacated minutes before. She looked poised and stunning. Ashley watched Luke tell Cricket how much fun he'd had with her and what an extraordinary person she was. They laughed easily as he recalled some of their experiences.

Then the tone changed and Luke became serious. He looked into her eyes and explained how the time on the show had transformed him.

Ashley sat stunned as she heard Luke say, "But after all these weeks, I find myself unable to give my heart"

She leaned forward as though the television wasn't loud enough. Had she heard it correctly? Luke continued, "It's not you, or them, but me. I thought I was ready for this step in my life, but I haven't found the fit I was dreaming of. It wouldn't be fair to you to take it any further. So thank you for a wonderful experience. I will never forget our friendship and I wish you great success in life."

He kissed her on the cheek and Cricket graciously said her good-bye, clearly disappointed, but with kindness and understanding on her face.

Ashley couldn't move. She sat with her jaw dropped open.

"He didn't pick Cricket," she whispered in disbelief. "He didn't pick anyone" Her mind reeled as she tried to make sense of what she had witnessed. She turned to Kelli. "He had to pick her. He had to. What happened?"

It didn't make sense. All these weeks, she'd thought he was with Cricket, and now it wasn't the case at all. He'd had to pick her, to keep the producers happy if nothing else. He could have pretended they were dating and then broken it off later.

Bewildered, she turned to Kelli. "You knew?"

Kelli said with caution, "Yes. That's why it was so important you be here tonight to see it for yourself."

Ashley felt dazed and unsure of what to think. They didn't call it a finale for nothing.

Kelli leaned toward her and put her hand on Ashley's. "I realize how difficult this whole ordeal has been for you, and I feel responsible for putting you in such a horrible situation. It never occurred to me that things would go so far or that you would fall for him the way you did."

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence"

"You know what I mean. You were there to help me. I never thought ahead to how the show might play out. You didn't do any of the preliminary matching tests. I just assumed, with so many women hand-picked to catch Luke's eye, that you would naturally be released. Anyway, I wanted to make sure you knew the whole story. After the final taping, you disappeared. I understood your need for privacy. You'd fallen for him. But it's important that you be aware of what happened later."

Emotionally exhausted, Ashley leaned back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. "What does this mean?"

"What do you think it means?" Kelli replied.

"I don't know." Ashley shook her head. "I thought he was supposed to pick someone."

"Yes, he was. But he didn't."

Ashley got up and started pacing again. It was so confusing. All this time she'd thought he was with Cricket and loving her. Cricket had fallen for Luke too. It was hard not to.

"I've got to go," she said suddenly, crossing to the front door and reaching for her bag. "I need some time to digest this. I think I'll walk home"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. I just need some air and some time to think it through."

"Will you call me if you need anything?" Kelli looked concerned.

"It's okay. This, too, shall pass" Ashley smiled weakly at her friend and then soundlessly passed through the door, pulling it closed gently behind her.

Ashley took the long way home. It was about a mile and a half. She walked near the lake and took her time. She continued to run the show over and over in her mind. The outcome was a total surprise. Was she happy, or sad, or relieved? Mostly confused. The goal for the evening had been to find closure, to put all the hurt and embarrassment in the past, but closure was the last thing she'd found.

It seemed that Luke felt the same conflicts she did. Before everything fell apart at his parents' house, she would have sworn he cared as much for her as she did for him, but everything had happened so quickly that things were never the same again. She'd lost her cool and her nerve. Her walls had come up and she'd shut him out. She'd made him promise not to give her a rose. So she would never know whether he would have or not. She could dream that he had, but dreams were all they were. This was reality. Not the reality of TV, but of life. They'd shared some beautiful moments together. His impact on her life had made her see a part of herself she hadn't known existed. She loved him like no one she'd ever loved before. And it went both ways. He gave as much as he received. He cared ... and she had sent him away.

The night grew cooler. She turned away from the lake and made her way back to her apartment. The moon hung heavy in the night sky. It reminded her of their night in Costa Rica.

The raging and volatility were over and now she needed to clean up the debris, put herself back together, and move on. Until the next storm in life blew in.

Ashley climbed the stairs to her apartment. What an emotional night. What an emotional four months! Change was in the air, she was certain. She pulled out her keys and unlocked her door. She set down her purse and tossed the keys onto the side table as she walked in. A strong scent overtook her.

As the lights went on, she saw her apartment was filled with flowers, vases everywhere. Purple delphiniums covered the coffee table, daisies and irises lined the kitchen table, and blue hydrangeas sat massed in pots in front of the TV. There were baskets filled with alstroemeria and stock, with bunches of peonies and lilies in every color. Peach and pink imported orchids surrounded with statice sat in the corners. A huge bunch of lavender was next to the couch. There were lilacs and tulips and little pots overflowing with hyacinths and daffodils. Every place she looked was a different kind of flower, and not just one, but dozens of each. The scent was intoxicating. As she gazed around the room in awe, she caught movement from the corner.

And there he was.

Luke filled the doorway to the kitchen. He leaned casually against the door frame as she took it all in. She was so beautiful, with her hair swinging gently around her face and her graceful movements as she noticed all the flowers.

He watched as her eyes welled up with tears and a smile formed on her lips. Her hand went to her mouth to cover her emotions, but to no avail.

"You're here," she whispered.

He slowly stepped forward. "Yes, I'm here"

"I thought you picked Cricket."

He continued to walk forward. "I know."

"I never thought I'd see you again," she whispered, her voice cracking with emotion.

"I would never let that happen."

He approached her. His body filled her line of vision, tall and strong and confident. He reached down with one hand and pulled a flower from a large bouquet.

"I promised never to give you another rose," he said gazing steadily into her eyes. "So will you accept this flower instead?"

Ashley looked down and saw the purple chicory he held. "It's a weed!" she said, laughing.

"I know, but you said you liked it."

Who but Luke would have remembered and gone to the trouble to gather up a bunch of weeds?

"So, will you accept this flower-I mean, weed?" His eyes twinkled as he offered up the simple bloom. "I can't go another day without you. These past weeks have nearly killed me"

Her eyes filled with disbelief. "You want me?"

"Yes, I want you. That is, if you'll have me. I know I tend to do some really dumb things, so you'll have to be patient," he said. "The truth is I haven't spent a lot of time in love and it seems I mess things up if left to my own devices. Can you possibly forgive me?" He held the chicory like a peace offering.

"Yes, Luke, I can forgive you and I will gladly accept this weed"

He pulled Ashley into his arms, and lowered his mouth to hers. The touch of it warmed his body and filled his soul. She nearly glowed with happiness.

"I'm never going to lose you again, is that clear?" he said sternly looking into her eyes.

"I'd have it no other way," Ashley declared.

"And I will break any camera that ever comes near you again."

"It's okay. Thanks to you, I'm not afraid anymore"