Love In The Time Of Apps (30 page)

Like someone who just came out of shock therapy Goodwin mumbled, “Celebrity divorce trials?”

“See boys,” Lazar said to his team, “I told you this guy was sharp. So, you ask yourself, what does this have to do with me?” Goodwin was about to say “Uh huh?” but didn’t have time.

“I’ll tell you Phil. I was thinking about a new television show, a reality television show, something like Trials of the Stars. Not a bad idea, right, Phil? But, it wasn’t a blockbuster idea. I was frustrated. Then, one night I’m lying in bed, remote control in hand. It’s the brand new RX4 which will be state of the art until Wednesday. Anyway, I’m flipping between
Court TV
and
American Idol
, back and forth, forth and back. And then Phil, whammo! Did you ever experience a whammo, Phil? Or you can get really fancy and say you’ve experienced a great epiphany, a great revelation. Something like this comes once in a lifetime. It’s better than multiple orgasms, Phil, and you don’t have any pain in your prostate afterwards.”

“So, here it is, Phil. Why not have the divorce trial modeled after other reality TV shows, like
America Idol
or
Dancing With The Stars
? We have the American television audience give the verdict by phoning in their votes. And to make it really special it’s a winner take all decision.”

“And we’ve come up with a great title, ‘
Divorcing With The Stars.
’ Yeah, I know it’s a play on
Dancing With The Stars
, but that’s okay with the network because that show will be the lead in show for us. Word is out and celebrity couples, even happily married ones, are beating down our doors to get on the show to jack up their careers. Want to hear the terrific twist? Sure you do. The divorcing party with the greatest number of votes at the end of the season will be guaranteed a spot on
Dancing With The Stars.
If we get a mega couple on the show, the divorce will be held in The Supreme Court of the United States immediately after the Super Bowl.”

“Is that possible? Can you get into the Supreme Court and do that?”

“Phil, I know you’ve been wrapped up in this Sheila thing, and haven’t kept up what’s going on, but it’s absolutely possible, since DOMM”

“DOMM? Who is DOMM?”

“Not who, what. DOMM is the newest agency of the Government and everyone expects it will solve all the country’s financial problems. It’s the Department of Making Money.”

Goodwin looked at his friends for confirmation and they shook their heads in a way indicating that Lazar was telling the truth. Lazar continued: “The crazy thing is that the idea was so obvious and so simple that no one thought of it before. Everyone knows that the government is good at collecting money, namely taxes, and even better at spending money, but it is absolutely lousy at making money, that is, functioning as a profitable enterprise.”

The most that Goodwin could eke out during Lazar’s mile a minute narrative was, “But how?”

“About two months ago, DOMM came into existence. Under the department’s direction, virtually everything the government owns and controls will be rented or licensed. Landmarks, personnel, and assets can be exploited for profit. Most people in the know think that the entire deficit will be wiped out within two years.”

So far the biggest sellers are weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs at the White House. The tentative cost of each is a cool $12 million and for an extra $2 million the President and First Lady will drop by for the cocktail hour. For $3 million more the President will sing Hava Nagila at a bar or bat mitzvah. There’s already a two year waiting list and about a hundred couples have opted for the Maxi-Package. For $25 million they get everything I’ve mentioned, plus a honeymoon at Camp David, which they fly to via the Presidential helicopter. There are so many bookings for Camp David that the President has been forced to spend his next retreat at a local Motel 6.

Goodwin’s response to Lazar’s, “Get my drift?” was simply a blank stare. Lazar, enthusiastic about the program continued, “Product placement, another DOMM program is already generating about four billion a month.”

“Product what?”

“Product placement. Check out this photograph of the President.” With that Lazar gave Goodwin an autographed 8 by 10 photograph of
the President, which he bought for $3500. “I would have purchased a personal inscription, but it would have cost $7000. The President signs 500 of these a day. Take a careful look at his photo. See the lapel pin of the American flag. Now look directly below it.”

Goodwin was shocked, “Unbelievable.” It was Nike Swoosh logo.

Lazar held up a magazine with a recent photograph of the President. “Now take a look at this photograph. The President is sitting behind his desk. You’ll notice that on the desk there is a large bottle of Coke, an Apple Computer, a mug of Starbucks Coffee and, a small snow-globe of Disney’s Magic Kingdom. That desk is worth $6 billion a year.

“And let’s not forget naming rights. The government is already having a bidding war over Pennsylvania Avenue with credit card companies leading the charge. So is it going to be the American Express way or Visa Way? The bidding is up to $3 billion per year. God knows how much the Government will get for naming rights for the White House. Burger King and McDonalds appear to be neck and neck in the bidding. The President seems ok with either company because their slogans, “You deserve a break today” and “Have it your way” have nice political overtones.”

“And absolutely nothing is off the table. Our network is bidding to put on a new television show called the
Congresswomen of Washington DC,
sort of the
Housewives of Orange County.”
Lazar stopped and started laughing hysterically. Can you imagine the scene?

“Congresswoman One, distraught: ‘Nancy Pelosi used the F word to describe my actions.’”

“Congresswoman Two: ‘My God, what did she say?’ ‘

“Congresswoman One: ‘She said they were furtive.’”

“Look, the Supreme Court building is empty on the weekends and nights, right, just some tourists. We rent the whole thing out to have the mega celebrity divorce there. The cost is $1 million per night. Since our commercial rate for advertisers is $600,000 per minute, we make a profit after the first few commercials.”

For your trial, we are going to rent out a courtroom in the Federal District Courthouse in New York; $100,000 per day. It’s a turnkey
promotion by the Federal Judiciary. You get the courtroom, judge, bailiff, stenographer, two guards, clerk, and an extra whose only job is to say ‘all rise” when the judge enters the courtroom.”

“So here’s the way it works. The trial will be a real trial. We will follow all of the trial rules, the Federal Rules of Evidence and the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. Once the trial is over, the jury, in this case the American Public will render a verdict by phone.”

“Let me get literary here Phil and quote the famous Ginzu knife advertisement, ‘Wait…there’s more!’ There’s actually going to be a show within a show. Here the idea is to try to influence the American Public. It’s the reverse of a gag order. It’s sort of a “brag order.” Lazar became hysterical at his attempt at whimsy, but no one else laughed.

“You and The Sheila will have to get out there to influence public opinion. We’ll have cameras following you around for the pilot we’re making. The show’s working title is ‘Undue Influence.’ It’s a win, win situation. The more you get into the media, say go on talk shows, the more publicity for our show.”

“Obviously, whoever does a better job has an advantage going into the trial. But, even if the jury favors someone going in, the other party’s lawyer can pull the case out of the jaws of defeat if he or she is good enough.”

As Lazar began to catch his breath, Goodwin asked, “But how?”

“Who knows? Trials like the fashions on the Red Carpet, or the ferry schedule on the Alimentary Canal are totally unpredictable. Since we need to follow the Federal Rules, appeals are possible. Frankly, I’m not particularly interested in that since appeals just involve questions of law. That area does not generate much interest to the general public, so we’re trying to work a deal with PBS on the appeals.

“There is a provision in your contract with the network, and an identical provision in the network’s contract with The Sheila, that whoever wins the divorce, that is whoever is found by the American Public not to be at fault by the jury for the demise of your marriage, is awarded all the marital property, the house, the stock and the business. Winner takes all. One of you will be very rich and the other very poor. I don’t know about you, Phil, but I’m pretty excited.”

“One month from today, you and The Sheila will meet at the Federal Courthouse, and we’ll pick your legal teams. We draw the names of each of your law firms out of a bingo like wheel. I can assure you all the lawyers in our pool are quite extraordinary. Two weeks later we’ll have a trial. So sign here and you get the $50,000 right now.”

Goodwin, to the satisfaction of his friends said, “Well, if I do the deal, I prefer to stay with my friends in the SoLo district. I’d want you to make a donation to the SoLo Fund equivalent to the cost of the Plaza.”

“Sure sure, but it has to be an anonymous donation. It would be curtains for the network if it were known to be an Abettor.”

Goodwin and his troupe convened in a separate room. While Goodwin had serious reservations about accepting Lazar’s offer, he desperately needed the money. He also relished the thought of a skilled lawyer cross-examining the Two Sheilas. On the other hand, he and his friends knew that his chances of winning the trial were not slim to none they were none to none.

“Even so,” said Kass, “you’d be helping us all. You could be the public voice and get the message across about the evils of the PPR system. And, imagine if you won. There is no telling what would happen.”

“Wait,” said Schnell. Without saying anything else, he exited the room. When he returned a half hour later, he said, “Okay. I’ve got them to up the offer to $500,000.”

A surprised and delighted Goodwin said, “You’re a hell of a negotiator. I’ll sign and if I lose everything, to hell with it. And the money goes to the defense fund and you guys take what you need, too.”

“Except my 10 percent,” Schnell chimed in. No one argued with him.

Lazar, with the signed contract in hand said to the group, “Now, here’s what we do. Starting immediately we issue the announcement about the divorce of the century. You’ve got to start getting on the air to influence the American public. That could be the key to success here. So, go for it boys.”

That evening, an impromptu party for Goodwin was given at the Persona Non Grata bar. The bar had a sardonic sign on its outside which read “ONLY PPRS WITH 10 AND BELOW ARE WELCOME.”

Goodwin had said to his friends, “How much of the $450,000 do you guys want?” In other times under other circumstances, they might have asked for $100,000 a piece, but they had taken up the mantel of helping the Low Lifes.

“Just give us $5000 a piece. The rest should go to the fund. Obviously, take some for yourself.”

“I’m going to take $5000 and let the chips fall where they may.”

It was, in a way, an inspiring evening. People were truly grateful to Goodwin for his generosity and courage. Many told stories of how their lives were transformed and how they wanted to fight back against the “artificial social curse,” as one person put it. The last speaker, an eminent former Federal judge, told the story of how after sentencing 12 Mafia racketeers to long prison terms, he suddenly found that his 27 PPR was down to an 8. He was absolutely certain that this precipitous drop was due to manipulation of the ratings by a criminal enterprise. The criminals’ defense team then argued on appeal that the judge was not qualified to hear the case in the first place because of his low rating. Rather than have the Court of Appeals make an egregious decision, the judge resigned from the bench.

With his hand on Goodwin’s shoulder he said, “Someone spoke earlier about courage. I think that getting into this very public fight, one you very likely will lose, takes a lot of courage. Beyond that you’ll need a lot of fortitude. Things may get pretty rough for you, but all of us are in your camp win or lose.”

“I’m ready,” replied Goodwin. For the first time in his adult life, Goodwin was fighting for a cause and an unpopular one at that. The irony of this didn’t escape him. As he left the bar with his three friends, he said, “Nothing like being a victim to get you involved.”

The America’s Most Unwanted Show

I
f Schnell was any hotter under the collar, his neck would have been on fire. Referring to the morning papers spread out on his conference room table, Schnell said to Goodwin, “We’ve been ambushed.” It only took a quick glance at the advertisements in The New York Times and the Wall Street Journal for Goodwin to know that Schnell was right. Each paper carried several political style, full-page, advertisements supporting the Two Sheilas in their upcoming court battle. Insidiously disguised as serious politically oriented pieces, their only objective was to sway the American Public. A full page advertisement in the Times with the banner: “MINISTERS AND RABBIS SUPPORT THE SHEILA,” proclaimed “As religious leaders in this country, the undersigned support the wholesome family values of The Sheila and urge the American Public to vote in The Sheila’s favor.” Several thousand names appeared below this message, including most cardinals and rabbis. A group called “Beyond REM United” had an advertisement showing a large photograph of Sheila above the notation, “The Sheila can beat Goodwin in their sleep.” The Comedically Challenged Lobby, now a powerful political force in America took out an advertisement with the headline: GOODWIN IS A JOKE AND WE DON’T GET IT. VOTE FOR THE SHEILA.

These and a multitude of other advertisements were a prelude to a television blitzkrieg that Goodwin and Schnell watched during the day. The Two Sheilas attempting to get the most coverage possible appeared separately on virtually every interview show on the air. By
the end of the day Goodwin considered Kildare’s earlier remark about him being hopelessly outnumbered in the battle of the sexes quiet prophetic. The Two Sheilas were in a virtual love fest with every television celebrity who interviewed them. Goodwin, by contrast, was not asked to appear on a single program. Except for the defamatory things being said about him on television, he had no exposure whatsoever.