Love In The Time Of Apps (34 page)

Sounding amazingly like Dr. Wang when confronted by Goodwin about contra-indications, Goodwin blurted out, “Who reads footnotes?”

Lazar did not respond and continued. “Now then, let me explain to the television audience. Today’s event is quite preliminary. All of you have heard of picking the jury. This is a bit different. Today we pick the litigants’ attorneys by grasping their balls, literally.” A slight twittering of laughter echoed through the audience. Understanding the implication of his remark Lazar said, “Now now. We do this by picking a ball out of this hollow round wheel that looks like a bingo wheel. Each of these attorneys’ balls, as we call them, has the name of one of the 20 fine law firms on our roster of attorneys. We will choose one for The Sheila and one for Mr. Goodwin. By contract, each side must use the firm selected or represent themselves. Cameras and reporters are standing by at each law office in our pool of attorneys so that we may interview the firm chosen for The Sheila and for Mr. Goodwin.”

The door behind the bench opened and an elderly and very dignified Judge walked in and sat behind the raised judge’s bench.

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I see that the Defendants are represented by counsel. Mr. Goodwin, are you represented by counsel for this proceeding?”

Goodwin stood up and said, “No, Your Honor.”

“Well, I suppose for this proceeding it really doesn’t matter. Let me just ask you this, Mr. Goodwin. I assume you’ve read and understand the agreement relating to this proceeding and have signed all of the necessary waivers. Is that correct?”

“Yes, Your Honor.”

“Very well, we can proceed. Plaintiff ready?”

Goodwin stood up again and said, “Plaintiff is ready, Your Honor.”

“The Sheila is ready.”

“Fine,” the Judge said: “Well, under the terms of the parties’ agreement which I have reviewed, I shall choose the legal teams for each side by pulling out a ball for each party. Okay. Bailiff will flip a coin. The Sheila will call.”

“Heads,” they said in unison.

“Heads it is. Thus, the first choice of counsel goes to the Defendants.”

The Judge put his hand into the hollow wheel, and selected a ball: “The Sheila gets a team called, “Lone Star Lawyers.”

Goodwin was somewhat relieved at the choice. “I never heard of them. Who are these guys?”

As if responding to Goodwin, an announcer from offstage said: “So, who are the Lone Star Lawyers? Well let’s meet them. The actual firm name is Justice, Truth, and Law. Led by Hiram Justice, the former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Texas, his firm has been voted as one of the top-litigating firms in the country for ten years in a row. It has, we are told, never lost a case. This is not surprising as every lawyer in the firm is a 28 or over. Let’s meet the members of the firm in person.”

A large flat-screened monitor dropped from the ceiling. Depicted on the monitor was a heavy paneled door with the name of JUSTICE, TRUTH, & LAW inscribed on it and beneath that GOODNESS & WISDOM, Of Counsel. The door opened to reveal a magnificent reception area. The camera moved down a long hall flanked by bookshelves lined with law books and then into a beautiful conference room with an ultra long conference table. At the head of the table sat a senior attorney with a white beard that made him resemble Santa Claus, but not just any Santa Claus. To Goodwin’s chagrin, Mr. Justice looked like the perfect Santa Claus, the one depicted in Coca Cola commercials, except this “Santa” wore an elegant double breasted suit. No wonder this firm never lost a case. Hiram Justice had to be the most believable and likeable looking man, he’d ever seen. At the actual trial, large bottles of Coke appeared on Justice’s trial table. Goodwin wondered if it was just a coincidence or product placement and decided that it was the latter.

“Mr. Justice,” Lazar said, “thanks for inviting us into your beautiful offices. The fact that we are here means that you’ve been selected to represent The Sheila. And thank you for taking on this case.”

The white bearded man rose to speak and as he did so walked towards the camera. He had a slight limp and walked with the help
of a cane. With a very slight Southern drawl, he said, “Sorry to be so slow. An old war wound, you know. Many people may not know this, but I was in the same unit as Sydney Maxine, but many years before. It is a shame he had to die such a horrible jinxed death.” He looked at Goodwin as he said, “jinxed death.” Goodwin flinched reflexively. The camera focused in on Justice’s suit jacket to take a close up of his Distinguished Service Cross, two Purple Hearts, the Medal of Honor, and the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. Goodwin was horrified.

“First, we thank you for choosing us. And I’d like to introduce you to the other members of our team, Miriam Truth and Allen Law.” Their resemblance to John F. Kennedy and Jackie was uncanny. “You might remember them. They were the attorneys responsible for uncovering the Enron scandal. Let me finish by saying that we’re great fans of The Sheila and are delighted to represent them. I won’t say anymore except…” The friendly demeanor changed. “Mr. Goodman we’re looking forward to seeing you in court.” Goodman began to get stomach cramps.

“Shit,” Goodwin said to Schnell, “I’m dead.”

“Not at all. Now it’s your turn. Who do you hope to get?

“I really like the style of the great Harvard Professor Alan Dershowitz. I don’t know if he’s in the lawyer pool, but if he is, I want him. He’s very eloquent, a brilliant lawyer, and legal scholar. He’s also great with the press. I’ve read all of his books and he’s a wonderful orator. And, if he could get Von Bulow off, he could probably help me as well. Better than most he will able to articulate the injustices perpetrated on the Low Lifes.”

“Okay,” the Judge said, “I’m choosing the Plaintiff’s counsel.” He paused and looked quizzically at the little ball that had Goodwin’s attorney’s name on it. “I’m sorry. This ball is very difficult to read. Let’s see, I can make out a D.”

Goodwin tugged at Schnell’s sleeve. “It has to be Dershowitz. Thank God.”

Let’s see. There is an E.”

“I knew it, Schnell. Dershowitz is my man!”

“W.”

“W? Does he spell his name Dewrshowitz? Could have fooled me.”

“ARS. That’s it, The Dewars Brothers, the Alcoholic Advocates.”

“Who?” Goodwin yelled out of control. “Who are these guys? I never heard of them. What kind of firm is called The Dewars Brothers?”

Lazar obviously delighted with the choice said: “Actually the firm is named Dewars, Dewars, Dewars, and Manischewitz.”

“Manischewitz?”

“They wanted a Jew in the firm.”

“Manischewitz?”

“No, the third Dewars.”

Lazar was elated, and said, “Don’t worry. This is better than I had hoped for.”

A voice from the television monitor said: “Now, let’s go directly to the offices of the Dewars Brothers who we understand have an average PPR of 11.”

Goodwin had his head buried in his hands, but was lurched by Schnell who said, “Look look.”

The voice continued. “To do this, we go directly to Rockefeller Center.” The television monitor revealed an exterior shot of Rockefeller Center. The off camera voice continued: “We have not met the Dewars firm, but its location, the penthouse suite of 75 Rockefeller Center, the prestigious building behind the Center’s skating rink, suggests that it is a firm of great substance.” Goodwin lifted his head slightly.

Moments later, the screen depicted a television reporter standing in front of an impressive oak door bearing the initials D, D, D, & M. The camera followed the reporter into a large and gorgeous reception area. This was clearly a power law firm. As he approached an elegant and stylishly dressed receptionist sitting behind a very expensive desk she said in an upper class British accent, “Hello, may I help you?”

“Yes, I’m with
Divorcing With The Stars
and we are here to meet your partners.”

“Of course. I believe that they are all in the conference room.”

Goodwin was sitting up. The camera followed the receptionist and reporter down a long hallway, whose walls were covered with expensive
art, into a conference easily twice the size of that of the Justice firm. Schnell tugged on an elated Goodwin’s sleeve.

“Hello. We are from
Divorcing With The Stars
. I assume you know that you’ve been chosen to represent Philip Goodwin in his divorce trial.”

The most senior attorney, who was every bit as impressive as Justice, replied, “Thank you very much, but there must be a mistake. We don’t litigate at all.”

“But, the initials on the door, D D D & M?”

“That’s right. We are the firm of Drizzle, Dampness, Dew, and Moisture.”

“Oh, my mistake. Sorry. So what does the law firm of Drizzle, Dampness, Dew, and Moisture do?”

“Actually, we’re rainmakers. I think that you must be looking for the Dewars firm.”

“That’s right. Do you know where they are?”

“Well, I’m not sure. They used have some space in back of the One Hour Photo Shop on the lowest level of the shopping concourse, but I think they were evicted. Sorry I can’t help you. I don’t believe they left a forwarding address.”

The camera cut to Lazar who again addressed the television audience. “Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be some first trial. On one hand we have one of the most formidable team of attorneys in our pool, known for their great ability, guile, know-how, and skill as advocates both in and out of the courtroom. This fine team is pitted against four alcoholic attorneys, disbarred in several states for incompetence, attorneys having received their law degrees from an Internet law school located in Macao, which they only got into by using some pull and possibly bribes. So it’s a firm with a PPR average of 28 versus a firm with a PPR average of 11. You may ask yourselves, how can a Cinderella team like this win? And the answer is, “I don’t have a clue.” But it does answer the question of why the Dewars Brothers had to leave Rockefeller Center. It no longer permits tenants with a PPR below 15.”

The totality of the last eight months and the full realization of what was happening to him seemed to crash down on Goodwin. He
fainted. Lazar had sensed Goodwin’s distress and more importantly an opportunity to add drama to the series. He signaled a director who immediately focused two cameras on Goodwin, who was regaining consciousness and gasping for air.

Lazar continued to speak as the television cameras held tight shots of Goodwins face. “Well, ladies and gentlemen, it appears that Mr. Goodwin has not taken his selection of counsel very well. Let’s watch the action unfold.” The camera focused on the Judge who said, “Anyone have a paper bag for Mr. Goodwin? If you place a paper bag over his head, the hyperventilation will stop. No? Okay, we have to improvise. It looks like there is a large and ancient looking briefcase under Mr. Goodwin’s table. Funny, I never noticed that before. Mr. Goodwin, put it over your head. That’s it.

The American Public was now watching Goodwin being interviewed with his head entirely covered by a very old and worn briefcase that had the odor of a dank cellar. Goodwin was unaware that cameras were focusing upon him.

“Feeling better, Philip?” Lazar said into the microphone.

“Yes.”

“Sorry, can’t hear you, got to speak up.

The briefcase covering Goodwin did not arrest his hyperventilation, which accelerated when he heard Wang say to the Two Sheilas, “I have Mr. Justice on my cell phone. He wants to reiterate how pleased he and his team are and that they are already putting together a rock solid case. They will be in New York to start working round the clock and more importantly he and his team will be appearing on your behalf on a whole bunch of shows.”

Lazar said, “Don’t worry, that’s just a psychological ploy. Here, call your attorneys on my cell phone. I think it will fit underneath the brief case.

“I’m sorry, but the number you have called has been temporarily disconnected,” said the electronic voice of Ms. AT& T.

“Hmm,” Lazar said, “That’s odd. Let me get right on it.”

Goodwin heard, “That’s a wrap,” the shuffle of feet, and doors closing. After a period of 15 minutes, he sensed that everyone had left the
courtroom, but did not want to remove the briefcase. “It’s nice in the dark like this,” Goodwin thought, “maybe I should just stay here forever.” Sitting on the courtroom’s floor his head within the briefcase’s protective confines, Goodwin knew that with the choice of the Dewars Brothers as his attorneys he had absolutely no hope of winning the case and that he would lose everything he owned. In the end, he would be made even more of a joke than he was before. “If they were going to give an award to the shmuck of the century,” Goodwin thought,” I would certainly be the clear front-runner.” His greatest disappointment, however, was that he probably would not be able to help his fellow Low Lifes.

There was a light tapping on top of the brief case. “Yes, who is it?” Goodwin asked, as if responding to someone knocking on his door. A security guard answered. “Excuse me, sir, but you have to move out of the courtroom. It’s rented for the Fine’s wedding ceremony.”

Goodwin removed the briefcase from his head and as he did so a small scrap of crushed and brittle piece of paper, yellow with age, fell out of it. He guessed that it could have been over 70 years old. The writing was obscure but he managed to decipher what it said, “Dear Julius, keep all of your important papers in here. Happy days ahead. And always remember our vows, no secrets from anyone. With love and great trust, Ethel.”

Lazar greeted Goodwin as he exited the courtroom. “Good news. I’ve located your law firm. Sorry for the mix-up. They were moving to new quarters. That explains the phone being disconnected. Just go down town to 120 Pine Street and you’ll find them. I’ve called ahead and one of the Dewars Brothers will be waiting for you. They are all pretty excited about the case and are anxious to represent you.”

“I don’t know,” Goodwin responded despondently

“Come on, Phil. Cheer up! You’ve got to be optimistic.”

Goodwin could well have asked, “Why?” The word “offices” was a misnomer. His counsel’s space consisted of a rather meager back room of a pub called “Dewars Digs.” One of the bar’s booths functioned as a desk. Their law library consisted of two “law” books, “
The Federal Rules of Civil Procedure For Dummies
” and “
The Federal Rules of Evidence For Dummies
.” The walls of the pub were covered by photographs of
the original Dewars and his not so illustrious progeny Hiram Walker Dewars, Jim Beam Dewars, Johnny Drum Dewars, and Pablo Dewars Senior. Goodwin noticed with some degree of alarm, but with no surprise, that each of the Dewars in the photographs held a glass of scotch.