Love Is a State of Mind: Nobody's Life is Perfect (32 page)

I fall asleep with images of Adam and Holly swirling round my head.  Ben and Gaz walk around my brain too, leaving me eventually to fall asleep with a feeling of love and sadness intertwined.

Chapter Twenty-Six

“Do you fancy a stroll along the beach?” I say to Adam.  He’s sitting on the balcony, drinking a strong expresso.  He used to hate coffee.

“Yea, cool.  Just give me a minute …”

We cross the road and go down the steps that lead to the beach.  The Life Saving Club stands above us, its yellow and red flags fluttering in the breeze.  Norfolk pines range along the road, standing tall and proud, as if patrolling the seashore.  We set off towards Glenelg.

Adam seems distracted this morning and we walk in companionable silence for a while.  Passing a few dog walkers, he says, “I can’t believe I’ll never see dear old Gaz again.”

He’s now walking with his head down, looking at the sand.  I put my arm around him.  “I know … he was such a … friend.”  I watch a girl jog past, her pony tail swinging like Suzie’s.  “And you’ve heard about … Dad and Suzie?”

Adam grunts.  “Bit ridiculous at his age.  Silly sod.  The poor kid’ll be laughed at when he’s at secondary school, with a father who looks ancient.”

“Yes, I know … but I’ve decided to wish them well.  I can’t continue being a bitter old woman for the rest of my life, can I?”  I nudge him and he eventually looks up and smiles.

“Why not?” he says, “I think I’d be bitter, if I was you.”

“Life’s too short.”

“Yea.  S’pose so.  What’s this Ben bloke like, then?  Holly says he’s younger than you?”  He bends down to pick up a small pebble.  “Do you like him?” 

“I do, yes.  We haven’t spent much time together but … he’s been really kind to me.  I was worried about being a bit older than him at first, but when you’re our age, it doesn’t really matter anymore.  If
you
went out with a girl who was ten years older than you, that
would
be odd.  I don’t know what I’d have done without him when Gaz …”  He gives me a sideways look.

“So … are you going to carry on, when you get back?”

“I hope so.  But it’s early days.  We’ll just see what happens.”  There’s a long silence as we pick up the pace a bit and stride into the wind.  “Let’s walk by the edge of the water,” I say and veer off to the sea.  We’re carrying our thongs and we splash through the crystal water, simply enjoying each other’s company.  He throws the pebble into the sea; it lands quite far out, with a plop.  I take a few snaps, trying to catch the water droplets that are jumping from the Adam’s feet, as he sloshes about and kicks the tiny waves.  I know that I’ll feel nostalgic for this time, when I look at the pictures, back home.

“It seems odd to be in the sea, without huge waves rolling in.  Have you seen any surf here?”

“No, not since I arrived, although Marcus says it gets rough here, in the winter.  If you want to surf, you go to Goolwa or somewhere.  Still, you’re not here to surf this time, are you?”

“Na … good to have a break, if I’m honest.  I’m surfed out!”

After a few minutes, I decide now’s the time to ask him what it is he wanted to talk about.  I have a feeling he’s waiting for me to bring it up.  He’s ambling by my side and I feel a tension – maybe it’s mine, maybe it’s his, I’m not sure.

“Adam … while we’re on our own … you mentioned that you wanted to talk about something.  Perhaps now is a good moment?”

He turns his head and stares at me; I can see embarrassment pass over his face and he looks away.  He doesn’t say anything, so I add, “Is it about Jake?”

“No … although I do want to talk about him, some time.  No … it’s something else.  Something personal … about me.”

I go up to him; both of us are still in the water and I get hold of his arms and turn him to face me.  “Whatever it is, Adam, you can tell me.  You know you can.”  I look into his eyes and will him to say it, whatever it is.

His face flushes red – I can see it through his golden tan.  “Don’t worry,” I say.  “Just say it.  It’s best, that way.”

“Okay then.  Here goes.”  He looks straight into my eyes.  “Mum … there’s no easy way of saying this … I’m gay.”  He doesn’t look away, but his eyes flicker and I can see tears shining in the whites. 

I’m so taken aback that I don’t say … anything.  My heart does a somersault.  Thoughts flash through my mind like lightning – this is the last thing I had thought he was going to say – I don’t know what I was expecting – drugs, getting a girl pregnant … illness?  Is this as bad as those things or something that doesn’t change anything at all?  My mouth sparks into action; I know I must say something – and quickly.

“Oh.  Well, that’s okay, Adam.  You’re still my son and I
love
you, just the same.” 

Is this the right thing to say?  What are you meant to say in this situation?  Of course I still love him.  What a stupid thing to say – why wouldn’t I still love him?

“I’ve known since I was about twelve.”

“Really?  That young?”  I can’t believe it.

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you … say anything before?”

“Why do you
think
?” he says, angrily.  “I didn’t want to let you and Dad down.”

“But Adam, you’re not letting us down.  Why would you think that?  You know we would’ve supported you.”

“Maybe you would, but what about Dad?”

“I know you’ve had your differences with Dad, Adam, but he would’ve been okay about this, I know he would.”

“Well, anyway … I didn’t want to admit it to
myself
, never mind you.  I just hid it; all those years at school.  I hated the way all the other guys at school always asked me why I wasn’t with any of the girls … I had to make up stories about sex, just to keep them from always going on about it.  Girls liked me at school … I never was short of girlfriends.  Some of them would try it on with me and I’d have to either fake interest or say I had a girlfriend in another town.  By the end of school, I was sick of it.  I was so relieved to get away.  I wish I’d told them all.  It’s not such a big deal any more, but it’s still so hard …”  His face looks racked with emotion and I simply put my arms around him.

After a few seconds, we draw apart and I say, “Look, Adam.  You’ve told me now.  That’s the worst bit.  I know how difficult it must’ve been for you to tell me.  But, I’m fine with it.  I can’t lie, I’m a bit surprised, because I had no idea.  Once again, I’ve missed something so fundamental in my family.  I must be … so self-absorbed or something.”

“Mum … you’re not.  How were you meant to know?  I did a pretty good job of hiding it, I think.”

“But surely I should have had an inkling?  I did wonder why you never had any girlfriends, but you were always surrounded by girls … ”

“Gay people don’t wear a big G on their forehead, you know …” he grinned, sheepishly.

“But isn’t there something called gaydar?” I ask.

“No, Mum … that’s just between gay people, not between mothers and sons,” he pushed my arm, laughing.  “It wasn’t as if I was …”

“But I should have
known
.  Mothers are meant to understand their children.  I could have helped you.”

“I think … I think I was too young then, Mum.  It’s only since I’ve come to Australia that I’ve been able to face … the reality.  I’ve come to terms with it now.  It’s just … who I am.  I’m glad I don’t have to lie any more.”

“Does Jake know?  Surely he knew at school?”

“He knows
now
, but even he didn’t know then.  I was denying it to myself, so …”

“What did he say?”

“Oh, he was cool about it.  Pulls my leg, calls me names – but it’s all lighthearted.  I was fed up of going to clubs when we got here and him trying to pair me up.  So I told him.  There’s a great gay scene in Sydney so, we’d go our separate ways in the evening.”

The thought of my son going to gay bars and clubs on his own, made me feel strange.  But I wasn’t going to say that.  “Have you met anyone out here, then?” I say, hoping, for some reason, he hadn’t.

“No … well, there have been some great guys, but no one special.  Jake’s even been to some gay clubs with me – they’re not as bad as they sound, Mum.  I know what you’re thinking …”

“I’m not thinking anything, Adam.  I just want you to be happy.”

“And I am now, Mum.  It’s not an easy road to follow.  However ‘modern’ life is, being gay isn’t an easy option, but, it’s getting better all the time.  People are much more understanding and I’ve discovered that people of my age, simply don’t care what you are.  It’s
your
generation that care and call it ‘not normal’.”

“The trouble is with our generation it’s not long ago that it was illegal to be gay and that had implications, so that’s why my age group are sometimes so narrow-minded.”

I try to analyse my own feelings and I realise that I’ve had very little experience of gay people.  I’ve never had strong opinions one way or another, but now my own son is gay, I realise how little I know.

“So … what are you thinking, Mum?  Are you going to be embarrassed telling people?  Or are you going to do what I did, and pretend I’ve never met the ‘right girl’?”

By now, we’ve nearly reached Glenelg and we’re walking away from the sea, back up to the road, to where all the cafés and bars are.  “I’m sure it will take a while to adjust … but I’ll get there.  I definitely won’t be pretending … if I’ve learned anything out here, I’ve learned that being honest is the best thing.  Come on, let’s go and have a coffee and if you’re lucky, I’ll even buy you a gelato.”

We sit down at a table outside, facing the ocean and look at the menu.  I go inside to order two flat whites and I buy two large pieces of carrot cake to go with them.  I think we deserve them.

I carry it all out on a tray and sit down next to Adam.  I sip my coffee and break off small pieces of cake.  The sun is so bright I’m wearing my sun glasses and I can feel the heat burning my cheeks.  “I’m going to miss this weather.  It’s been perfect for me – around 25 degrees the whole time.  Not too hot.  By the way, have you told Holly?”

“No.  I wanted to speak to you first.”

“Do you want me to tell her?  I will, if you want me to.”

“Yea … yea … do that.  I’m not good at saying things in writing and she’s got to know soon.  She’ll be surprised, I think.”

“She’ll love you just the same, you
know
she will.  So … what’s this about Jake?  You may as well tell me that
,
as well.”

“Yea.  Well … Jake’s always been a bit wilder than me.  He likes risks – he goes out that much further to catch the bigger waves.  He drives that bit too fast.  He drinks a bit too much – vodka shots, flaming sambucas – you name it, he drinks it.  When we were at school, he often wagged off, didn’t care if he got caught.  He’s slept with loads of girls.  I’ve known he was like that but … he’s gone too far, now.”  He sips his coffee, blowing across the top, to cool it down.

“Why?  What’s he done?”

He puts his cup down on the saucer with a clatter.  “He takes loads of drugs.”

“Oh my God. Does he?  What?”

“Coke, ketamine, weed … anything he can get his hands on.  Not heroin … yet.”

“Is it since he came out here?”

“We all did a bit of weed at school … but it was always just weed.  He made friends with some guys I don’t like out here and they do it.  Now he’s doing it all the time.  He misses his shifts, he’s not surfing … I’ve even caught him stealing from his uncle.  It’s a nightmare.”

My thoughts turn to Laura.  What on earth am I going to tell her?  She’d be worried sick if she knew.  What would I do if it was Adam?  It puts Adam’s announcement into perspective and I thank God he’s not doing it.  Or is he?

“You’re not doing it, then?”

“No, Mum, of course not.  I hate drugs and I hate people who take them.  It’s so pointless.  You get high and then you feel like shit.  And then you do it again.  Why would I want to do that?  For God’s sake, Mum, give me a break.”

“Sorry.  I had to ask.  It must be really hard for you.  Have you tried saying anything to him?”

“Of course I have.  He just doesn’t want to know and tells me I’m a gay twat.”  He drains his cup and puts his finger in it to scrape the foam off the edge.  What a horrible thing to say, I think, even if Jake
is
joking.  That’s what Adam’s going to have to put up with in life.  Taunts and bullying.  I shiver.

“Does Laura’s brother know?”

“God no, but the way things are going, he’ll soon find out.  Are you going to tell Laura?”

“What do you think I should do?”

“Christ knows.  Jake would kill me if he knew I told you.  But … I felt I had to tell you.  It’s too big a responsibility for me to handle on my own.  I’m so worried for him, every day.”

“Is it getting worse?”

“Yes.  As much as I hate to say it, I think you should tell Laura.  She needs to know.  They need to come out and rescue him, before it’s too late.”