Love Is My Reason (18 page)

For a moment such a tide of revolt swept over her that it was all she could do not to stand up in the middle of the room and cry her rage and despair aloud.

For every day and month and year of her short life she had had to accept the decisions or others. She could not go where she wished, do what she wished, even say what she wished. The very clothes she wore had been given her as charity. The root over her head was there by someone else
’
s choice. Now she was to leave it—by someone else
’
s choice. And go elsewhere—by someone else
’
s choice.

To everyone else in the room it was a natural law of life to go more or less where they pleased. No one told
them
where they were to live or what they were to do. No one arbitrarily and suddenly removed
them
from the presence of those they loved. They were gloriously happy, independent creatures, who dragged no ball and chain of the dispossessed at their rebellious heels.

They meant to be kind. They believed they were acting for her good. But of them all, only Bertram had offered her the one thing she wanted. The chance to be free and independent.

In that moment her wild desire for independence transcended even her love for David. And it was to Bertram, not David, that she turned and exclaimed, with a sort of fierce intensity,

“
You won
’
t forget me, if I go away from here, will you?
”

“
Why, no, Anya, of course not.
”
Bertram looked rather surprised.

“
We shan
’
t any of us forget about you,
”
David said sombrely beside her.
“
Why should you pick out Bertram, Anya?
”

“
Because he can give me the one thing I want,
”
she replied, still on that note of fierce intensity.

“
I see,
”
David said. And, turning away before she could elaborate on that, he escorted Celia out to the car.

CHAPTER
NINE

In the next f
ew days it seemed to Anya that the arrangements for her transfer to Mrs. Preston
’
s house were carried out with terrifying speed and determination.

Lady Ranmere was very nice about it, saying more than once that she was glad Anya was going somewhere where she would be able to have more company and attention. But when Anya timidly asserted that she would rather remain where she was, this was dismissed good-humouredly as being no more than polite conventional protest, and Lady Ranmere made it perfectly clear that the decision had been made and would be implemented.

Even if she had wanted to appeal to Bertram—which she did not—it was obvious that he was not likely to prove an ally. Possibly the matter was not sufficiently important to him. Or possibly, since he was acute over such matters, he sensed his mother
’
s vague disturbance with regard to his interest in Anya, and had no intention of giving any substance to her doubts.

His interest in Anya
’
s career showed no signs of abating. He talked to her about the arrangements of her training, laying down the timetable she would have to keep and specifying the days on which she would go to town. But, though he would possibly have preferred to have her living in his mother
’
s house and directly under his guidance, he certainly was not going to make an issue of this point.

All this would not have mattered so much if David had not, in some curious way, become out of reach. Not physically so, for he came home most evenings. But there no longer seemed to be between them that subtle bond of
sympathy and understanding which had been her principal joy and support.

She tried eagerly to find the contact again. But it was like groping for notes which she had once played by instinct but which now evaded her touch.

“
Are you angry with me about something?
”
she asked him at last, in desperation, when she had him to herself for a little while, on the evening before her departure.

“
Angry?
”
He looked genuinely surprised.
“
No, of course not, Anya. Why should you think any such thing?
”

“
Because you
’
re different in some way.
”
She knew she was not improving matters, and yet she had to go on.
“
It
’
s as though you—stand a little way off and don
’
t—don
’
t feel I am your concern any longer.
”

“
My dear, you will always be my concern!
”
he exclaimed, and momentarily that comforted her. But he took the edge off his assertion by adding almost immediately,
“
I promised your father—I promised Beran—I would look after you. Don
’
t you remember?
”

“
Y-yes.
”

She didn
’
t really want his care of her to be based on a promise to someone else, dear and touching though that link might be. She wanted him to look after her for
herself
.
Because she meant something to him.

“
What
’
s the matter?
”
He smiled slightly at the gravity of her expression.
“
Are you beginning to feel nervous and doubt the value of Bertram
’
s prophecies?
”

“
Oh no. No, it
’
s not that. It
’
s nothing to do with any practical worry. Besides,
”
she said, with sudden and complete conviction,
“
I think he knows. I think Bertram
’
s right and that he can make a success of me.
”

“
Then you have nothing to worry about, have you?
”
He spoke a little drily and reached once more for his evening newspaper.

“
But that isn
’
t everything! If I am a success, you—you won
’
t stop—liking me because—
”
she groped helplessly for the right words—
“
because I
’
m no longer dependent on you, will you?
”

“
Anya! You surely can think such a thing of me!
”
He was genuinely shocked and rather angry, she saw.
“
Do you suppose my feelings for you are based on some sort of smug satisfaction in being able to dispense charity? I must have been pretty clumsy and insensitive over any help I
’
ve given, if that
’
s the case.
”

“
Oh, no, no!
”
she cried distractedly.
“
You were an angel
about everything. It
’
s not that at all. It
’
s just
—”

She stopped, quite unable to think of anything but the simple plea—
“
Please go on loving me!
”
And this she could not say.

“
Look here—
”
he tossed away his paper, and spoke to her with kindness but some emphasis
—“
I think you
’
ve got this whole question of dependence and independence a bit out of focus. No one is going to grudge you your independence when it comes, child. Least of all myself.
”

“
Oh, I know—I know,
”
she said remorsefully.
“
I put it badly.
”

“
We often do when we feel deeply about something,
”
he told her, not unkindly.
“
I didn
’
t quite realize what it meant to you until you spoke about your independence so fiercely the other day.
”

“
Did I speak fiercely?
”
She was surprised.

“
Well—as fiercely as you can,
”
he conceded with a laugh.
“
Anyway, you rather flung it at me that Bertram could give you what you wanted most. I take it you meant independence?
”

“
Y-yes,
”
she said, dismayed to realize how her momentary passion had betrayed her. She could not possibly tell him now that his love and care for her meant more to her than all the independence in the world. Or that the freedom she had so fiercely and openly coveted only had value if she could use it to be near him.

“
Perhaps I was too emphatic about it,
”
she said soberly at last.

But he laughed then and ruffled her hair in the way she loved.

“
No, my dear,
”
he retorted teasingly.
“
You cling to that independence of yours and show us all that you can manage without us
—
”

“
Oh, David, not without you!
”

“
Yes, without me too. One of these days you
’
ll do it and attain your highest ambition. You see, I can prophesy as well as Bertram! But when you
’
re a successful actress, remember me for the occasional first night, won
’
t you? and send me a couple of tickets, so that I can boast to my friends and say that I once knew Anya Beranova before she became famous.
”

“
Oh, David!
”
she said again, not knowing whether to laugh because they were friends again, or cry because she knew she had in no way removed his conviction that she wanted to be fee of even the dearest ties.
“
If I ever become famous, I shall owe it entirely to you.
”

“
Don
’
t you let Bertram hear you say that,
”
he warned her good-humouredly.
“
He thinks you
’
re going to be his creation.
”

But he laughed, well pleased, she thought. And so relieved was she to have him speak with his old air of friendly indulgence that she thought she could not venture to explain herself further, for fear there were more misunderstandings.

They had no further opportunity for any intimate sort of talk after that. And the next morning the good-byes had to be said.

There was nothing in the nature of a real good-bye to be said to anyone, of course, because the two families saw so much of each other, and Anya was the concern of both; so that, on the surface at any rate, the situation would not be radically changed.

But she was glad that David kissed her before he went off to town. And she was half amused and half put out that Bertram did the same.

“
You can have a few more days
’
holiday,
”
Bertram told her,
“
as the coach I want for you is still in Paris. But after that it
’
s going to be hard work, my girl. So make the most of your leisure now.
”

Anya smiled and said that she would. But privately she thought she would be very pleased to have something to do, other than drifting about Mrs. Preston
’
s elegant home and contriving to keep out of Celia
’
s way.

It was Mrs. Preston who came to fetch her early that afternoon, and both she and Lady Ranmere were at some pains to assure Anya how welcome she was in either house. But Anya could not help knowing that Lady Ranmere said goodbye to her with some faint sensation of relief. And, as she drove away in Mrs. Preston
’
s car, she thought, with a sinking heart,

“
I shall never be asked to stay in David
’
s home again.
”

Mrs. Preston
’
s house, like Lady Ranmere
’
s, was
l
arge, attractive and exceedingly beautifully situated. It was more strictly luxurious, but it was not run with quite the same masterly precision. And though her servants liked her, they had none of the wholesome respect, and even fear, for her, which Lady Ranmere easily commanded from a staff who knew perfectly well that their mistress could, at a pinch, do their work at least as well as they could themselves.

However, the pleasant, friendly air of relaxation which Teresa Preston diffused around her was by no means unwelcome to Anya, and she was touched by the real kindness with which she was welcomed to the house.

“
I
’
m so happy to have you now, dear.
”
Mrs. Preston told her.
“
Just at the happiest time of my life. And it seems quite right that you should be here when Martin returns home.
”

Anya was not quite sure of the logic of this. But the good feeling was unmistakable. So she kissed Mrs. Preston gratefully and asked when Martin was expected.

“
He hasn
’
t fixed a date even yet,
”
Mrs. Preston confessed—
makin
g Anya recall Lady Ranmere
’
s remark only the day before that Martin Deane seemed as selfish and inconsiderate as ever.
“
He
’
s very busy, you know.
”

Anya didn
’
t know, but she looked gravely interested.

“
He
’
s doing some sort of journalistic work at the moment,
”
Mrs. Preston explained.
“
But as soon as it
’
s completed he will fly over here to see me. As he said himself, it could be next month and it could be tomorrow.
”

Anya said something appropriate about the surprise and happiness being just the same whenever he came. And then Celia
came in,
and conversation became rather more formal.

She was quite pleasant in a cool way to Anya, and said nothing at all out of keeping with her unexpected support of her mother
’
s invitation. But Anya had known a good deal of thinly veiled dislike and indifference in her young life, and she was certain it was no love of herself which had prompted Celia to have her there.

Mrs. Preston, on the other hand, seemed very pleased with the improvement in Celia
’
s attitude, and to take it entirely at its face value. Indeed, when she was called away to settle some minor crisis in the garden, she was actually naive enough to say, as she stepped out of the french window,

“
I expect you girls will have quite a lot to talk about.
”
Neither answered this, and for a few moments after Mrs. Preston
’
s departure there was silence. Then Celia said,
“
How often will you be going up to London, Anya?
”

“
Three times a week, if Bertram can make the arrangements he wants. Possibly four times later on.
”

“
For the whole day?
”

“
I imagine so,
”
Anya said, not quite sure where these questions were leading.
“
I shall go by train usually, I think, unless David or Bertram happens to be down here and is going back to town the next morning.
”

“
I think I should get into the habit of going by train, if I were you,
”
Celia remarked, looking out of the window, as though this conversation were not really of very much importance.

Something in her tone arrested Anya
’
s attention and made her feel uneasy.

“
Why do you say that, Celia? And in just that tone?
”

“
Because I think you should go by train.
”
Celia turned her head and looked coldly at the other girl.
“
You want to be independent, don
’
t you?
”

“
But—
”
Anya gave a slight, doubtful little laugh
—
“
not to the extent of refusing a car lift.
”

“
I don
’
t think I would advise you to go too much with either Bertram or David.
”
Celia
’
s voice was still perfectly level and composed, but Anya was aware suddenly that something rather frightening had entered the conversation.

“
I don
’
t think I quite understand.
”

“
Don
’
t you, Anya? Don
’
t you understand why you were pressed to come here? Or why I agreed to it?
”

Anya felt her mouth go uncomfortably dry, as though she were afraid. But she said determinedly,

“
Your mother was kind enough to invite me. That
’
s why I am here.
”

“
Oh—
”
Celia shrugged away her mother
’
s invitation almost indulgently
—
“
that
wasn
’
t the real reason. Lady Ranmere suddenly thought you were going to make trouble with Bertram, and she couldn
’
t get you out of the house fast enough.
”

“
Trouble with Bertram? I don
’
t know what you mean!
”

“
Oh, yes, you do.
”
Again Celia gave that half-scornful little shrug.
“
You
’
re the kind that always makes trouble with men sooner or later.
”

“
How dare you say such a thing!
”
Anya flushed, and then went very pale.

“
Because it
’
s true,
”
Celia said drily.
“
You may not mean to do it. It may even be that quality which makes you a success on the stage. I don
’
t know. But there
’
s something about you which makes men want to know more of you. Maybe you encourage them, or maybe your wide-eyed passivity does it without your raising a finger yourself. I saw it from the beginning.
”

“
You mean that you disliked me from the beginning!
”
A sort of cold fury took hold of Anya—a feeling she had never before experienced.
“
You were jealous of me because David liked me.
”

“
Very well,
”
said Celia, with almost terrifying candour.
“
I was jealous of you because David liked you. And for that reason I was aware of your dangerous quality before the others were.
”

Anya gasped.

“
I don
’
t mind admitting I was appalled by David
’
s interest in you,
”
Celia went on calmly.
“
Why should I be otherwise? We were in love—very nearly engaged—when you came along.
I
was David
’
s principal interest. It was for me that he had come on that holiday. And then, suddenly, he was absorbed in something else—caught up in whatever undertaking your so-called father had wished upon him.
”

“
How dare you speak in that cruel way!
”
Th
e tears stood in Anya
’
s eyes.
“
My father was dying, and he knew what sort of fate he was leaving me to. For the first time in years and years, someone good and kind came and spoke to him and offered to help him. Do you think it was strange that he asked that one person to look after me?
”

“
No. I don
’
t think it was strange at all,
”
Celia said coldly.
“
Only I wish that one person had not been David!
”

“
But it
was
David. That
’
s life—fate—God—whatever you like to call it. David came into my life, whether you like it or not. And—I
’
ll be as frank as you—it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me.
”
She caught her breath on an irrepressible little sob.

“
Very likely.
”
Celia regarded her without sympathy.
“
But you also came into David
’
s life. And that was not wonderful for him at all.
”

“
What do you
mean
?”

“
I mean,
”
Celia said slowly and deliberately,
“
that you can
’
t possibly be any good to David, and you might do him a great deal of harm.
”

“
That
’
s not true! I
’
d never, never do David any harm! How can you say such a thing?
”

“
Oh, not intentionally, I daresay. But just think for a moment what David
’
s position is. You probably don
’
t even know about these things, Anya, or how important they are in our way of life. He
’
s a successful, respected, professional man. Everyone expects him to keep free of undesirable entanglements
—”

“
I
’
m
not
an undesirable entanglement!
”

“
Not in the usual sense. But you
’
re just the sort of interest that deflects a man from his rightful path. David should marry well, in his own class and set, someone who will be acceptable to his friends and associates.
”

“
You, in fact,
”
Anya flung at her angrily.

“
I fill the requirements very satisfactorily,
”
Celia retorted coolly.
“
Why should I not be aware of it? And, in addition, I love David, and he loves me.
”

“
Then what are you afraid of?
”
Anya faced her, white and tense.
“
Why do you warn me off and say these cruel things to me? If David loves you, that
’
s an end of it.
”

“
No,
”
Celia said slowly,
“
it
’
s not—quite. Any man is open to a—regrettable infatuation, particularly if he has sympathies that are easily played upon. You don
’
t like my saying all this, of course. I shouldn
’
t like it if you said it to me. But the real point is—Do you love David for yourself, or do you want his own good
?
”