Love Is Overdue (19 page)

“
Well, that’s
cool, I’m her daughter though,” I said as if that would explain
everything. “Just tell her Gabriela is here.”

She looked uncomfortable for
a moment and then just shook her head again. “She specifically said
she doesn’t want to see you.”

My mouth fell
open.

“
Honey, it’s not
you,” she apologized quickly, as if it would comfort me. “She’s
just fallen into a pretty deep depression, her doctors are working
on figuring out the best dose of anti-depressants to get her
started on and we’ll just have to give it a few days to see how she
responds -”

I didn’t wait for her to
finish. I just turned and walked away, and I didn’t stop walking
until I got all the way home.

Ben’s number popped up on my
phone at a few minutes to eight. I was in my living-room
chain-smoking.

“
Hey you...am
leaving now...where you at?”

“
I’m home,” I
said quietly.

“
You home?” He
seemed surprised. “Why? What happened at the hospital?”

“
She refused to
see me. I guess she’s just completely washed her hands of me
now.”

“
Don’t say
that.”

I sighed deeply. “Ben,
I’m...”

“
You’re
what?”

I glanced around the dark,
smoke-filled messy living room full of all our dingy old
second-hand furniture and my mother’s ugly-ass walker just parked
in the middle of the room like a rotten coffin.

“
Can you please
come pick me up?”

Ω

I quickly ran
and brushed my teeth and washed my face, pulling my messy mop of
hair into a pony-tail. I knew I looked like shit. This was not the
dolled-up version of me that I was used to showing Ben. I was
wearing a pair of black tights, an over-sized hoodie and a pair of
flip-flops. I couldn’t believe I’d already let him see me like this
at the coffee shop.

His
text popped up on my screen.

I had no time to do anything
about it except apply some lips gloss and a splash of body spray. I
was really fucking losing it, I thought as I dashed out the front
door to Ben’s idling Escalade. I couldn’t have gotten out of there
fast enough...

Ω

“
Sorry, this
place is a mess,” Ben apologized, kicking Barbie’s pink Corvette
lightly across the hardwood floor as we stepped into the
foyer.

I had to smile
to myself as the evidence of his daughter finally reared its cute
little head. “That’s cute...does she have the matching Dream House
with the attaching garage?” I teased. I leaned over and picked up
black Ken from under the table where Ben had dropped his keys and
he smiled as I held him up. “I wish I had a black Ken when I was
little...he’s so handsome.”

“
You like that,
huh?” he teased me. “His name ain’t Ken, though...it’s
Darren.”

I laughed. “So I take it she
was just here?” I asked, following him downstairs and into the
kitchen, noticing some dirty dishes in the sink, some papers spread
out across the kitchen island, along with a colouring book and some
crayons strewn around...a few on the ground. His place finally
looked lived-in. I liked it much better this way.

“
All day Sunday,”
he said, opening his fridge and studying the contents. “You
hungry...thirsty..?”

I shook my head slowly. “No.
I’m okay...but you...”

He looked up at
me.

“
You don’t have
any weed, do you?”

That made him laugh. “You
startin’ to read my mind now, aren’t you...”

Ω

We sat together
in the living room while Ben rolled us a fat joint out of a stash
he kept in the back of his refrigerator. I watched him in silence
as he rolled it so expertly, leaning over the coffee table, the
t-shirt he was wearing showing off his sexy arms. He flipped on
some soft reggae music – an artist I didn’t recognize – before
bringing the joint to his lips and licking the seal. The sight of
his tongue sent a rush through my body as I remembered what he had
done to me three nights earlier.

I reached out and gently
pulled at the knot he had at the back of his head and watched at
his locks fell down over his shoulders, as he turned to look over
at me. He raked his fingers through his dreads and shook them out
briefly. He was so fucking sexy. It made me smile again.

“
Here you go,
baby.” He handed me the beautifully rolled blunt to
light.

I took it from him and lit
up slowly, taking a deep pull, the air around me filling up with
the sweet aroma, the music humming in the background so gently. He
was watching me.

“
So who are we
listening to?” I nodded toward the stereo.

Ben smiled. “Desmond Dekker.
Original ska music, baby…” He took the joint from me and took a
deep pull. “I used to cover a lotta his stuff back when I was in
the band…The Slickers, The Maytals, Skatalites, Jimmy Cliff…stuff
like that…”

“
I like it.
Sounds like reggae…”

“
Well…yeah…reggae
evolved out of ska music…along with alla da spiritual aspect an
Rastafarianism…but back in the day of ska they still knew how to
dress and everything – clean-cut dudes in their three-piece suits
and ting…original rude bwai, y’know…” He chuckled softly. “That’s
how I used to roll,” he teased me, nudging me lightly with his
shoulder, passing the joint back over.

I laughed. “Oh
really?”

“
Nah, not
really,” he admitted. “Back home when I was a kid it was all Bounty
Killa, Buju and Beenie Man blowin’ up in the dancehall and
everything but when I moved to Canada all the white boys I had to
start hangin’ out with, like Adam and his whole crew – they was all
into the ska scene of the late 90’s, like The Mighty Mighty
Bosstones…Sublime…sure that’s what you think of when you think ska,
right?…So yeah. The token black guy gotta assimilate the best way
he can.”

I laughed at his
explanation. “So you were the token black guy, Ben?” For some
reason it made a little sense. “Guess that’s how you lost your
accent,” I teased him.

He sucked his teeth at that.
“Cha…wah yuh ah talkin’ bout, gyal?” He lay it on thick for me.
“But it was easy for me, y’know, because…for a buncha white boys
tryin’ to start up a ska band, when a Jamaican kid shows up outta
nowhere fresh off da boat, so to speak, and he can sing too, that’s
kinda like hittin’ the jackpot…” He laughed to himself for a
moment. “So, yeah, it was cool for a while, y’know…but eventually I
just evolved too…just like my hair.”

“
So...” I exhaled
slowly, blowing the smoke back at him teasingly. “Are you a
Rastafarian?”

That made him smile as he
reached out and took the joint from me. “What do you think?” he
tested me. “What do you know about Rastafari?”

I shook my head slowly. “I
don’t know if you are...I’ve seen you cook pork on
youtube.”

He sucked his teeth at me, a
little amused look on his face.

“
Plus you’re cool
with gay folks,” I added.

He let out a little laugh.
“Wow...” He leaned back and looked at me for a few moments.
“Well...I don’t know what to say about that, Gabby...” He was still
chuckling softly. “I have a lot of respect for rasta people,
though...back home it do a lot of good for a lotta people...you
know, da real dreads dem dat live up in da bush and live off da
land and alla that...” That sexy accent picking up again… “But
lotta them bald-head rastas turning to crime and violence and alla
that – they call themselves one thing but live the life of another
– I hate that fuckin’ shit. So for me, this here -” he tugged on
his locks, “- this is just me being natural and just being me.
Nothin’ more, nothin’ less.”

I smiled at that, reaching
out and touching his locks. “It’s beautiful...”

He met my eyes. “Am glad you
think so.”

“
So how did you
get to be so wise?” My voice was betraying me again.

My question seemed to puzzle
him. “Am I wise? I don’t know about that...maybe one day...when I’m
old and grey.”

I smiled. “Well...someone
did something right with you.”

Ben smiled and then reached
out and stroked the side of my face. “I love the shit you say
sometimes...” He took another pull of the joint we were sharing.
“You know why I really like you, Gabriela?”

“
Why?” I was
curious as hell.

“
You’re so real,”
he said simply. “There’s nothin’ pretentious about you
either.”

I laughed. “Just like your
food.”

“
Exactly,” he
agreed. “I mean, you can play the game and everything, if you want
to – you can be that girl that turns heads when you pass by on da
street and ting but...the real you ain’t about all that. Truth is,
since I been single, you the first beautiful girl I meet that I
ever wanted to do more to than just fuck...” He was still watching
me so closely. “So when you said that shit to me about feelin’ you
are out of my league or whatever – you right, it pissed me off –
but the more I think about it and everything, I start sayin’ to
myself, in a way...you kinda right. ‘Cause you the type of girl I
would have been with five or ten years ago – before I ever get alla
this shit I have now – back when I was just me, not the me that has
money. ‘Cause back then I knew women that wanted me for me – the
real me – and I miss that. So you...you remind me of
that.”

I let my breath out, not
really believing what I was hearing.

“
You don’t hide
yaself from me, y’know?” He went on. “And even when you try
to...you can’t...just like today. I’m just tired of girls that try
to be somethin’ they’re not, or someone that they think I want,
instead of just bein’ real wit me.”

I exhaled deeply. “I’m
afraid, you know...”

“
Why are you
afraid?”

“
Today...at home...I was afraid to be alone,” I said,
remembering. “I was starting to get physically ill...I don’t know
how to be...to just
be
...Tony tells me sometimes
that I never really got the chance to grow up...that I’m still this
lost little teenage girl that can’t even stand on my own two
feet...and it scares me. Because I think it’s the
truth.”

He shook his
head at that though. “Nah...” He stubbed the roach out in the
ashtray in front of us and then glanced back over at me. “You just
been standing on all fours...” He ran his hand down my arm
tenderly. “You gonna find it’s a lot easier to stand on
two...believe me.”

Ω

We lay down
together on his bed. He kissed my forehead so tenderly. We were
both still fully clothed, and the rain was pouring down hard
against his bedroom window.

“
You should stay
here with me tonight.” His voice was so soothing and
deep.

I nodded slowly. “I think
you’re right.”

His hand ran up under my
t-shirt, stroking my belly and moving up higher, caressing my
breasts.

I looked over at him as all
my senses started to heat up under his touch. “Maybe this is a
terrible time to ask you this...”

He raised his eyebrows.
“Shit. That’s never a good sign.”

“
I know...but
it’s just something I can’t stop thinking about.”

He bent his elbow and
propped his head up on his hand. “Okay. Then ask me.”

I took a deep breath. “Why
did you cheat on her?” I paused. “Your ex.”

I could tell it was the last
thing he expected me to ask him. It was written all over his face.
And I immediately regretted it.

“
Damn, baby...”
He let his breath out.

I couldn’t help smiling. He
was just too adorable sometimes. “I’m sorry.” I leaned over and
kissed his chin. “Forget it. You don’t have to tell me.”

He stretched his arm out and
pulled me close then, pressing my head down against his chest.
“Okay, thank you.” He kissed the top of my head tenderly, the
relief in his voice far too obvious.

I laughed at that. I ran my
palm across his flat belly. “Come on...seriously though...I wanna
know.”

“
Seriously,” he
repeated, letting out a deep sigh. “Well, I think I was tryin’ to
sabotage myself, that’s why.”

I waited. I was still lost.
“How?” I wanted to know. “And why?”

He thought for a moment. “I
never really knew it at the time but I think now that maybe my
subconscious was tryin’ to tell me I needed out.”

I lifted my head to look at
him. “I thought you said you were so happy.”

He met my eyes. “No,” he
said softly. “I told you I was in love.”

“
Oh.” I thought
about that for a minute.

Ben pushed a strand of my
hair behind my ear. “Have you ever been in love?”

“
I don’t know,” I
admitted. “I think I thought I was once but...I don’t think so. Not
now.”

Ben didn’t say anything
right away, and then just sighed. “Love is fucked up, Gabriela.
‘Cause it don’t always make you happy, and happiness don’t always
make you fall in love,” he told me. “That’s why choosing between
the two is almost impossible sometimes...so I guess instead of
making that choice I decided to hurt her so bad that she would have
to make the choice. And instead I just end up payin’ for it in the
worst way.”