Love Lies Dying (18 page)

“Hit me.”

“I won’t let him.”

“Beat me.”

“It won’t get that far!”

“Rape me again.”

John sat back in the passenger’s seat, looking over at her. He could see her forehead crease as she tried to hold back the tears.

“I’m telling you, Zoe,” he whispered to her. “It
won’t get that far
.”

She looked over at him and tried to smile, “I wish I could believe that, Johnny.”

“It’s true.”

“You have no idea what could happen,” she said.

“I’m willing to risk it.”

“For
me?
”

“For you.”

Zoe’s chin quivered and she ran her left hand over her hair to make sure the bun was still in place.

“You’re a great man, Johnny Murdock,” she said.

“I’m just doing what I have to do to get us all out of this mess.”

“And you’ll do whatever it takes?” she asked him.

“Yes.”

She smiled.

“I think I love you,” she replied.

“Now, Zoe, I’ve already said –”

“I know, I know,” she turned to give him a quick glance and a smile. “You love Helen. I know. But I love you for what you’re doing for me. For what you’re about to do for me. That’s what I meant.”

“Oh,” John replied. “Okay, well that’s fine.”

They both sat and stared as the road unfolded in front of them.

After a while, Zoe turned to look at him once more. She smiled.

He smiled back.

“It must have been hard on you,” she said. “The problems Helen had, you know.”

Glad for the change of conversation, John nodded.

“Yeah, it was. The doctors said everything would be back to normal within six weeks. That was three years ago. We never got close to ‘normal’ again.”

“You can’t blame her,” Zoe replied. “It’s not her fault.”

“I don’t. I don’t blame her. There’s no one to blame, and that’s what makes it hard. If it was me or her or the doctors or the hospital, then we could at least blame them and say it’s all their fault. But it’s none of them, none of us. It’s
no one’s
fault and that’s what makes it so hard.”

“It must have been tough on Helen.”

“It was.”

“And really tough on you too,” Zoe reached over and placed a hand on his thigh.

“I know. It was.”

He sat in silence, suddenly not wanting to talk. He concentrated on her hand resting on his thigh. He felt the pressure and her warmth and suddenly he was seeing her back on the sofa last night, naked and exposed just for him.

Just for him.

She’s willing and able. She
wants
to do it with you. She
wants
to
fuck
you
,
he thought.

“We haven’t had sex in a long, long time,” he said.

He heard himself say it, but he couldn’t believe he had. He wanted to get his mind off the image of Zoe naked on his sofa, so he had tried to start another conversation. What he had said was not what he expected he was going to say.

“I already had that much figured out,” Zoe nodded. “It’s fairly obvious.”

“Sorry,” he said. “I don’t usually talk about things like this.”

“That’s obvious too.”

“I don’t know why I said it.”

“It’s okay, Johnny,” she squeezed his thigh but kept her eyes on the road. “Don’t worry about it. It’s good to get things like this off your chest. You’ll feel better if you talk about it. Believe me, I know. I’m a good listener and I know I can help you.”

“I’ve never told
anyone
that before.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she repeated. “You haven’t told me anything I didn’t already know.”

“How could you know? Did Helen tell you?”

Zoe shook her head. “She never talked to me about anything like that. You know what she can be like.”

“Yeah…”

“But I can figure these things out.”

“I don’t see how.”

“Come on, Johnny. Do you really expect me to believe that you’ve been all lovey-dovey with your wife? Do you? A girl can tell these things, you know.”

John shook his head. “There’s no way you can.”

Zoe giggled, “Johnny, you
think
you’re covering your tracks so well, but you’re not.”

John’s forehead creased and he turned to look at her once more, “What do you mean?”

“Come on, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work it all out.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You haven’t had sex with your wife for ages, in fact, you haven’t even
slept
with her for months.”

John’s jaw dropped.

“
How?
How do you know?” he asked.

“It’s easy,” Zoe said as she glanced his way. “You haven’t slept in that main bed for a long long time. There’s no sign that you have. Helen’s cosmetics and clothes are all over the room. But there’s no sign of anything of yours, except for a skimpy half wardrobe of clothes and a half-empty underwear drawer. Even your smell isn’t on any of the bed covers.”

“Please, you’re kidding, right?” he replied.

“Yet, in the spare bedroom,” she continued. “the bed covers smell of you and I found a drawer full of your stuff – you know, old rings, chains and watches. Add to that the fact that you made no complaints about me taking the main bedroom last night. You went straight to the other bedroom where you’d
already
been sleeping for months! It doesn’t take much to work it all out. Plus there’s hardly any food in the house. So, it looks like you both eat out a lot – and I’m guessing not with each other.”

John sat in a stunned silence.

“Mark one up to Zoe the intrepid broken relationship spotter!”

John shook his head in disbelief.

How did she know?
he thought.
Is it all
that
obvious?

“I’m good at getting to the bottom of things,” she continued. “You can’t hide anything from me, Johnny. At least, not for long. I can eventually work things out.”

She couldn’t possibly have just figured it out,
he told himself.
Am I that obvious?

“Don’t worry yourself silly about it, Johnny,” she continued. “Relationships cool down. It happens all the time. No need to hide it.”

“We’re trying to fix it,” he muttered.

“And that’s good. That’s healthy. But you don’t have to bury it deep down. Talk about it, you might feel better.”

“You worked all that out just from those signs?” he asked.

“Yep.”

“And Helen didn’t say
anything?
”

“Nothing.”

John shook his head.

“Zoe, once again,” he sighed. “You amaze me.”

“Hey,” she smiled. “I’m a pretty amazing chick.”

“You can say that again!”

“I’m a pretty amazing chick,” she giggled.

“Very funny,” he replied.

They took another turn in the road, slower this time, and sat in silence for quite a few miles.

“Even though it’s no one’s fault,” she said after a while. “You deserve better.”

“There’s nothing we can do about it,” John replied.

“But don’t you see, Johnny?” Zoe continued. “One thing I’ve learnt about life in the last few days is that you
can
change things. It may hurt to begin with and you may be scared to follow through, but in the end it’s better for
everyone
.”

“I don’t see how it can be.”

“I didn’t want to fight with Ricky or drive through the night to escape him, it scared me half to death, but I did it and I feel better for it. Even if we now have to face him and I’m forced to go back with him, at least I know that I
tried
to stand up to him and maybe, just maybe, in the future I can escape from him for good.”

“You won’t be going back with him,” John repeated. “I’ve
told
you that already.”

Zoe nodded and took her eyes from the road long enough to smile at him.

“That’s not my point, Johnny. What I’m saying is if you’re unhappy, no matter what the reason, you should take steps to fix it.”

“I’m not unhappy.”

“Come on, you can’t fool me. Sleeping in separate beds?
No sex?
And you’re
happy?
”

“I told you, we’re working on it.”

“You also told me it’s been three years. How much longer are you going to work on it?”

John sat in silence. He stared through the windshield at the road ahead.

“I’m sorry, Johnny,” Zoe continued. “But I think you know I’m right. I’m only telling you what you’ve been telling me about my relationship with Ricky. If it’s not working and it’s hurting you, it’s time to get out.”

“You just don’t understand,” John replied.

Zoe giggled.

“I understand,” she replied. “Seeing you in the shower this morning proved it. You’re more hot and horny than you’ve ever felt in your life, right?”

He didn’t answer.

“I know you think about me,” she said.

He turned to stare out the passenger’s side window.

“I know you want me.”

She shifted her hand from his thigh and rested it on his groin. John knew there was no way he could hide his quickly pulsing cock. It began to grow once more.

Shit
, he thought.

“I know you want to
fuck
me.”

John reached down and placed his hand over hers.

“Okay,” he said. “You’re right. You make it pretty difficult for a guy to say no, that’s for sure. I’ll tell you one thing, you’re persistent, no doubt about it.”

She smiled, “I always get what I want.”

He picked up her hand, removed it from his groin and placed it on her lap.

“And there’s no doubt that I’ve thought about you and got all…ah…‘hot and horny’ as you said, but that doesn’t change anything.”

“You have an active fantasy life then?” she asked.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Well, you said yourself you were thinking about me. Do you fantasise often about women you can’t sleep with?”

“I don’t think that’s unnatural. All men do it.”

Zoe giggled. “That’s about right.”

“And it’s hard
not
to fantasise about you. I mean, you flaunt what you’ve got – all of it – and leave very little to the imagination.”

She turned her head and smiled at him. “I’m only trying to show you what you’re missing if you turn me down.”

John let out a short laugh. “I already
know
what I’m missing.”

Boy, do I!

There was another silence between them, filled only with the constant white noise of the air rushing against the Jeep.

John continued to peer through his side window. Any sign of civilisation had disappeared long ago now. The arc of light from the headlights barely reached to the side of the road. All he could make out were trees and bushes; there were no other lights or signs of life.

He wondered if they really were doing the right thing.

“Do you think I’m beautiful?” Zoe asked.

“Huh?” John was surprised by the question. “Well, Zoe, I think you know the answer to that.”

She smirked. “I’m making you uncomfortable again, aren’t I? I’m sorry.”

“No, no, I’m not uncomfortable. I just think you know the answer, that’s all.”

“But I don’t, that’s why I’m asking you.”

“You can figure out what I think of you after catching me in the shower today.”

Zoe shook her head. “No, that just means you’d fuck me…or want to anyway. I asked you if I’m beautiful, not sexy.”

John sat in silence for a moment, thinking about the question.

“Yes, I think you’re beautiful.”

What else can I say?
he thought.

But he realised he truly meant it. She
was
beautiful.

“Really?”

“Really.”

Zoe jumped in her seat as she shouted for joy. The Jeep swerved on the road.