Love, Nina (10 page)

Pippa: Are you going to have a manicure?

Me: I don't think so.

Pippa: Me neither—it's all just a substitute for sex.

I was going to have an oatmeal facial until she said that.

Mel, the trainee beauty therapist, has one black tooth (2nd incisor) and kept having fag breaks.

Which reminds me. A nut broke my tooth (a walnut, not a person). Had to go to Mr. Jivanjee of Parkway for a filling. Thank-you letters and cards stuck on the walls of the surgery. One read:

Dear Mr. Jivanjee. Just wanted to thank you for your kindness regarding my phobia during my recent root-canal treatment. Many thanks. Mrs. P Smith.

PS If you found a Hush Puppy, brown, size 7 in the surgery, it belongs to me.

Love, Nina

*  *  *

Dear Vic,

Got a box of chocolates from Nunney for Xmas. Bright blue box with gold writing. I was really pleased with them. I liked the box and thought I could put something in it after the chocolates are gone, something important and to be saved. Will liked it too, being a big fan of boxes of chocolates. Sam thought a video would have been preferable.

Later on, at 57, I noticed the same type of box of chocolates sitting on their round table and it came out that Nunney had got the same (but smaller) for the Tomalins' lodger, Susan (pretty, clever, booky, from Budmouth?). Turns out they're quite pally.

This completely ruined my box of chocolates and I felt dejected. One small consolation being that hers was a lot smaller than mine. Told MK the whole thing and how I was feeling (which I wouldn't normally do in quite so much detail).

MK: “Dejected”—what does that mean?

Me: Annoyed.

MK: Why?

Me: Well, he's bought the same for her at 57, but smaller.

MK: (
shocked
) For
Claire
?

Me: No, for Susan the lodger.

MK: Oh well, your box was bigger—he likes you more.

Then a thought occurred: maybe Nunney's going to ask Susan the lodger to read
Seamus Heaney—Selected Poems
with me (she's the type). Thing is, I quite liked Susan before Nunney bought her the same chocolates. But now I don't so much and even feel a bit angry (with
her
). Mostly, I'm annoyed to have been maneuvered into this pathetic position.

I might have to go mardy about it in order to avoid the offer of literary help from someone I now dislike.

Said to Will he could have my box of chocolates, but he said not to drag him into it and just took the truffles.

Everyone's raving about AB's
Englishman Abroad
about the spy. To be honest, I didn't think much to it. On the other hand, Nunney has given S&W a video of
Fawlty Towers
—which is fantastic.

I asked AB to write a get well soon for GM. He did. He wrote: “Nina tells me you're a bit poorly at the moment. I hope you'll soon be feeling better. Alan Bennett.” Plus a little caricature of himself. Look out for it on her mantelpiece.

It turns out that Mary Hope (sausage fingers) is allergic to the metal in her knitting needles. They did a series of tests on her (pricking with common allergens). It's amazing what you
could
be allergic to. GM says she's allergic to her hoover handle and has to put a plastic bag over it.

You could have allergies you don't even know about (yet).

Love, Nina

*  *  *

Jan 1984

Dear Vic,

Happy New Year. Re Switzerland:

Granny Wilmers' helper in Switzerland is a relative of Alec Douglas-Home (not Cardinal Hume, as said in postcard). But we weren't supposed to go on about it. I wouldn't have gone on about it anyway because I'd never heard of him (even now I have, I wouldn't).

Granny W's helper was quite nice, except when I had to trim Sam's hair (getting in his eyes) she stood right by us and criticized my method. Not that she's a hairdresser; she's just an ordinary posh person who's been taught to share her opinions with all and sundry.

Helper: You should snip at the fringe in an upwards motion (
finger snips to demonstrate
).

Me: I always snip in a sideways motion and it comes out fine.

H: You'll get a curtain-effect if you do that.

Me: We like that effect.

H: Does Sam have any say in it?

Me: (
to Sam
) Are you happy with the usual, or would you like
a whole new style?

Sam: (
alarmed
) Trevor Brooking.

Then at supper MK asked what had happened to Sam's hair—meaning it didn't look very good. The helper didn't hear, thank God. She was in conversation with Beverley about how to make the perfect crouton (very hot fat, stale bread, even-sized cubes).

Me: (
quietly to MK
) Don't slag off Sam's hair in front of the helper.

MK: Why?

Me: She criticized my technique.

MK: Well (
gesturing with her hand to Sam—who looked like one of the Midwich Cuckoos
)…

Me: I know, but don't say anything else. I'll deal with it when we get home.

MK: Why not just let her sort it out now?

Me: NO!

Granny W couldn't stand it that I wore a T-shirt (and no sweater). She kept thinking I must be cold and said that it made her feel cold seeing me looking so cold (with bare arms and feet). So she gave me a sweater. Nice color, but not really me (ruff neck). I decided to wear it to be polite and grateful, knowing I'd never ever wear it again. I was very hot in it but kept it on and boiled.

MK and Will went skiing every day (all day), then spoke about it at supper. MK's skis were called Hot Head with a flame emblem. I had a go. It was MUCH harder than I expected. I slid into a car park (fast). You need to focus. Apart from the skiing and the hot sweater, had a great time (winter wonderland etc., famous people, cows).

Thanks for lovely things. Hope you liked yours.

Love, Nina

PS New Year's resolutions. Mine: to interrupt people speaking less. Sam's: to learn to do shoelaces. Will's: to write a novel. MK's: to interrupt more.

*  *  *

Dear Vic,

MK Wilmers. She's kept her maiden name. S&W Frears.

Sam does NOT like being called Sammy. Some people do call him Sammy but it pisses him off. “Sammy” offenders include:

His friends' mothers

Anna Sher (she started it when he was smaller and didn't mind)

Woman in dry cleaner (as above)

Mrs. Boyce (just assumes anyone small called Sam likes to be called Sammy)

Claire Tomalin (sometimes, but happy to be corrected)

Susannah Clapp (being nice, putting a Y on)

Frances the physio (same as Mrs. Boyce)

I'm going to call mine Jack and/or Eve. I like Sam, but obviously couldn't have that now and quite like Frenchy-sounding names only they can seem sexual/pretentious.

Will's middle name is Emanuel (QED). Sam's middle name is Newton, from Isaac Newton.

Me: Why Newton?

MK: Isaac Newton.

Me: Why not Isaac, then?

MK: You use surnames when naming after someone.

Me: I was named after a midwife's first name.

MK: You were named after an acquaintance.

Sam: Was Isaac Newton an acquaintance?

MK: Not of mine.

Me: I was going to be called Belinda till the midwife
turned up.

MK:
Belinda
—crikey!

Finally finished
Return of the Native
by Thomas Hardy.

Hope all well at the Pines. Tell me about Sister S and Conan the Barbarian.

Love, Nina

*  *  *

Dear Vic,

Will told us that his English teacher asked the class if they knew any English idioms. Will's friend C put his hand up.

Teacher: Yes?

C: My brother.

Teacher: Carry on, “My brother…”

C: My brother…is an English idiot?

That got us talking about idioms and phrases and so on.

Sam: Every cloud has a silver outline.

Will: Lining.

Sam: Oh yes, beg your pardon.

Will: Anyway, I don't believe every cloud has a silver lining.

MK: Why?

Will: They don't.

MK: But philosophically?

Will: No, some things are 100 percent total shit.

I kept quiet during all this because I've never got the hang of idioms, proverbs, phrases, adverbs, etc.

Then we were saying how some people are friendly and some grumpy and horrible. S&W and me saying some people just are grumpy by nature, MK saying most people are OK.

MK: People are only horrible if they're hungry or unhappy.

Will: That could be anyone.

MK: Yes.

Will: Everyone.

MK: Yes.

Will: At any time.

MK: Yes.

Sam: They just need a banana.

MK: Exactly.

Love, Nina

*  *  *

Dear Vic,

Syllabus news: Me and Nunney have moved on to
A Winter's Tale
, a comedy by W. Shakespeare. It's ridiculous and more annoying than
The Return of the Native
by Thomas Hardy. A bloke imagines his wife has been unfaithful with his friend so he banishes her and she apparently dies. He soon realizes he made a mistake and is miserable for sixteen years—till the wife comes back to life.

Saw Nunney on a bench near the top of Primrose Hill all wrapped up in a big coat reading a book. I was pleased to see him until I saw he wasn't reading
A Winter's Tale
by William Shakespeare—as per the syllabus—but a book called
One Hundred Years of Solitude.

Me: (
shocked
) That's not on the syllabus.

Nunney: No, I know. Susan recommended it—it's very good.

Me: So are you not going to bother with
A Winter's Tale,
then?

N: Of course I'm going to bother, but I'm reading other things too.

Me: Fine.

Leaving the park (mardy) I saw Pippa. She's looking after a dog called Charles. Pippa told me about an incontrovertible law that states this type of dog (King Charles Spaniel) is allowed the freedom of the land and can go wherever they want, even if no (other) dogs are allowed. I remarked that Amanda's family have the same type of dog only a bit older and she has never mentioned this special spaniel law. Pippa said it's up to the individual owner/handler to assert their rights (or not).

Pippa: So no one can ask me to remove Charles from this park.

Me: But dogs
are
allowed on Primrose Hill.

Pippa: Yes, but even if they weren't, Charles
would
be.

Me: But they
are.

Pippa: I know.

Me: Sounds like you want to take him where no dogs are allowed.

Pippa: Yeah, but where?

Told Mary-Kay about Pippa being keen to assert Charles the spaniel's right to go wherever he wants. MK said it was understandable. MK's very understanding of unreasonable behavior but quick to judge other types. MK told us about a bloke she knew who would leave his wallet around in cafés hoping someone would try to nick it so he could defend it. She was understanding about that too, saying sometimes people just want something to happen and that's not always easy these days.

Carol from C— College has written a supportive letter: “Dear A Level Student (Eng Lit).” The letter suggests that remote A level students read some poems by Thomas Hardy (to help us “understand the man behind the pen” with a view to understanding the novel on the syllabus). And says that much reading beyond the set texts (syllabus) is supportive of a student's learning of the texts.

I was a bit annoyed to read this. I thought it was just the syllabus, now it turns out we've got to read lots of other stuff connected with the five different authors as well. Fuck. I'm not going to get anything else done in life.

Got some of Hardy's poems out of Holborn library as per the letter. Most of them are rubbish and do not help me understand him. They make me think of him as wallowing and moaning and wishing for the olden days and that he hadn't been such a cunt to his wife.

Which I already knew from the introduction to
The Return of the Native
.

I did like one bit from a poem about miserable weather (his favorite topic after the olden days): “the sky frowns whitely in eye-trying flaps.”

Hardy means the sky was white and hurt your eyes even though it wasn't very bright. The idea is loaded with symbolism. We are so used to gloom, even a white sky tries our eyes.

Also while I was there (library), borrowed a recording of a bloke reading Chaucer in the Old English. Nearly wet myself listening.

Ring me to make a plan.

Love, Nina

PS Beginning to hate Hardy's pea-shaped head.

*  *  *

Dear Vic,

Still little clusters of stuff around from Xmas. You wouldn't believe what people gave them—you'd think they didn't even know them.

One lot:

Sam: xylophone (multicolored)

Will: xylophone (silver)

MK: mini candelabra (red candles, small)

Another lot:

Sam: lunchbox with Yummy written on

Will: lunchbox with Grub written on

MK: Amaryllis bulb, pot, bag of soil (instructions)

Another lot:

Sam: book on cricket by a famous cricketer

Will: My first book of gardening

MK: decorative bell & jar of olive paste