Love Online (Truly Yours Digital Editions) (12 page)

“Almost done,” she called from the kitchen.

“Sure, no problem.” Planted in front of the mantel, he refused to move. He had lingered in the doorway of the kitchen for awhile, watching Jess pack food for him, until a wild urge to hold her, to kiss her, forced him to make an abrupt about-face. He had no intentions of venturing back to the scene of the crime.

“So where are you going with Linda tomorrow?” Her cheery voice drifted into the living room.

Tom’s mouth twisted into a cynical grin. Her casual tone indicated she was over the jealousy phase—the catalyst that had prompted her to invite him to dinner in the first place. “Oh, I don’t know. Linda likes Italian food. Maybe that place downtown.”

Who was he kidding? He wouldn’t take her to La Luna. Too many memories of times spent there with Jess. One thing for sure, he needed to make a clean break, a fresh start. “Or maybe the new place on Seventh Avenue.”

He eyed the photo on the mantel of a smiling Dean, locked in a hug with Jess. Tom swallowed around the lump forming in his throat.
My job here is finished. Finished. And I promise I did my best.
“That food about ready?”

“Right here.”

Startled, Tom turned, crashing into Jess and catching her by the arms. “Sorry. I didn’t know you were behind me.” They stood within a breath of a kiss. He pried open his fingers, releasing his grasp on her.

“It—it’s all right.” Jess didn’t move.

Desire was back, gnawing at him. Tom inched away and took the plastic bag from her outstretched hand. “What have you got in here? The kitchen sink?”

Jess fluffed her hair and cleared her throat. Her slender hands twisted together. She looked as eager for him to leave as he was desperate for their time together to end. “There’s enough food in there to keep you—” She backed up. Not far enough. Never far enough to obliterate his attraction to her. “To keep you fed for a week.”

Tom held up the plastic sack. “Well, thanks a lot for this—for everything, Jess.” He was crazy to have come here. He strode to the front door and turned. “I guess I’d better—”

“I meant to say before—I’m not going to be exclusive either.” Her lips curved in a small smile that didn’t quite reach her striking eyes.

“Well, good.” Tom put his hand on the doorknob. He was sure Dean was still watching him—only this time from a photo. “Just be careful, Jess.”

“I will.” Hands clasped behind her back, chin raised, her smile slipped.

A stab of guilt hit him—a gut reluctance to leave her alone. Tom cleared his throat. “Could I have a glass of water?”

“Oh, sure.” Jess turned and headed for the kitchen. “Must be all that salty food.”

Tom released his white-knuckled grip on the knob. Jess shouldn’t be alone. She shouldn’t have to look for a husband on the Internet. He had to shoulder at least half the blame for her situation. If he hadn’t been a fixture at her side, she would’ve had more offers.

He wouldn’t e-mail her again on Love Online. He didn’t need to drag Jess, or himself, back into a relationship heading nowhere. Still, he itched to burst into his apartment, flick on the laptop, and read the E-mail Jess had sent him in error.

“Here you go.” Jess held out the glass, ice cubes
clinking
, assessing him with her cool, blue eyes.

Tom took the tall glass from her. “Thanks a lot.” The last thing he needed was to meander, catch another whiff of her orange-vanilla scent. In two long swallows, he drained the glass and handed it back to her.

“See you, Tom.” Jess raised her hand in a farewell gesture.

“Yeah.” He jerked open the door. “See you, and thanks again.”

“You’re welcome.”

He heard the door close behind him and the finality of the snapping locks as he made his way toward the elevator.

Dragging his fingers through his hair, he looked up and sucked in a breath.
Did You put me in this situation tonight, Lord, or did my weak will bring me to Jess’s door?

As the elevator sank to the lobby, Tom caught a glimpse of his distorted reflection in the metal doors. He looked as if he’d been through a war—a battle all too familiar—flesh against spirit.

In the lobby he slowed his pace and looked around, vowing not to return. His armor had sustained more dents and scratches tonight than he cared to admit. E-mailing Jess, even under a secret identity, would be too dangerous.

He returned the doorman’s nod and walked up the street. A light drizzle cooled the air. Tom shuddered and picked up his pace as if he might outrun the sense of desolation closing in on him.

Eleven

Jess scanned the coffee table littered with cups and dishes. An hour must have passed since Tom had left her apartment, though she hadn’t moved off the sofa or kept track of time. She pulled in a breath and began stacking the aftermath of dessert.

Reliving Tom’s rejection would do her no good. If she didn’t snap out of it, she’d fall into a useless state—crawl inside herself as she had when her father died. As much as she loved the familiar, loved Tom, the time had come to venture out, let go of the past.

Jess stood and carried the tray into the kitchen. What if Tom hadn’t been by her side through the worst tragedy of her life? Her gaze drifted to the calendar on the refrigerator. In a few days she’d have to face the one-year anniversary of her father’s death—alone.

Standing at the sink, Jess turned the hot water handle and squirted dish liquid into the pan. She grabbed the copper brush, scrubbed the crusted pot, and shook her head. A tear tumbled down her cheek, splashing into the soapy dishwater.

“What an ordeal.” Even Jim Hunt had shown her more warmth than Tom had tonight. Anyone watching from the outside might have thought her a temptress who’d lured Tom into her apartment. Well, maybe she had. Trickles of guilt washed down her back. Hadn’t that been her true motive? To get Tom to act the way he used to? To tell her in his special way how beautiful and delightful she was? She swallowed hard. Those days were over now.

Jess pitched the brush into the pan, turned off the faucet, and dried her hands. She pressed the dishcloth to her damp face, tossed it on the counter, and returned to the living room. She would have to learn to carry on without Tom. He’d go on and get married, and they wouldn’t be friends then anyway. This was for the best. Better to have it over now, before she had to watch him fall in love with another woman.

“It’s time to eat, Kiwi.” Jess shook the box of seed beside his cage. Edging along his perch in anticipation, the parakeet studied her with black beady eyes. “Tom was awful tonight, Kiwi. But I suppose I deserved it.” She filled his dish and hooked it inside the cage. “We probably won’t be seeing him again.”

Swallowing past the knot in her throat, she meandered to the window and pressed her head against the cool pane. “I admit it, Lord. I feel lonely and alone.” She knew the Scriptures—the Lord’s precious promises. He’d never leave her nor forsake her. And, before looking outwardly for peace and joy, she’d have to grasp, deep down, that she was complete in God.

But when Tom walked out tonight, she felt a piece of herself die. Maybe their friendship had been founded on an unhealthy dependence upon one another. Never the way God intended for a man and a woman. Without the benefit of marriage, where had they been heading anyway? She didn’t know. But the path they’d been traveling together suddenly diverged, leaving her alone to venture into un-known territory.

Turning from the window, Jess sighed and scanned the quiet room. She would practice godliness with contentment, look upward, not outward, for joy the world couldn’t give and had no power to take from her.

Her gaze lingered on the laptop on her desk. The machine seemed to beckon to her. Jess approached the desk slowly and circled the chair once before yielding to the temptation to sign on to the Internet. How pathetic was she? Actually looking forward to an E-mail from a complete stranger? But that stranger was the only hope she felt at the moment. The only glimmer that maybe she wouldn’t spend her life alone. Oh, he wouldn’t be the one, most likely, but if he could find interest in her, someone else would as well. Just not Tom.

While waiting for the connection, she sent up a silent prayer. If TCTwo had sent a reply, she might make a new Christian friend. Not that anybody could replace Tom. But oddly TCTwo’s first E-mail had brought her a measure of peace.

Jess scrolled through her messages quickly, stopping when she saw his E-mail, stuck between the other Love Online responses.

Dear Loves God,

Thank you for responding to my E-mail right away. Sounds as though you’ve been through some tough times.

Jess looked at the upper left hand corner of the screen. He’d posted the response at 1:20
A.M.
She glanced at her watch. He’d sent it only ten minutes ago. Maybe the Lord had led her to check her mail.

Would it be easier for you if we got to know each other through E-mail for awhile, before proceeding with a faceto-face meeting? I’ve run the gamut myself. Maybe we both could use some downtime.

Yes, that’s precisely what she needed. Downtime. Time to clear the cobwebs out of her head. Time to learn to live on her own. Be her own person. Fly solo. Her breaths came faster.

Do you want to tell me more about this “friend” who let you down? Personal experience tells me men and women can’t be friends for long, without the romance thing getting in the way.

“The romance thing.” Jess nodded. She would’ve denied it up and down a few short weeks ago. She’d scoffed at that kind of cynicism—
men and women can’t be friends
. She and Tom were living proof those people were all wrong. But, of course, that was past tense.

Would you like to talk in Instant Message sometime?

Jess bit her lip. She wouldn’t decide tonight. She left it a maybe in her mind and continued reading.

This is probably of little or no interest to you, but there’s a chance I’ll be moving to the West Coast in the near future, unless the Lord directs otherwise. The transfer would be a good career move, but, more importantly, I’m hoping to put distance between myself and a certain disappointing relationship.

Jess covered her mouth with her hand. “Poor guy.” She could certainly relate.

I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Best regards,

TCTwo (Just call me TC)

❧

Tom sat at the kitchen table, staring at the laptop screen, shaking his head. Against his better judgment, he’d replied to Jess’s E-mail last night.

He’d felt sorry for her, and before he could think straight, he found himself typing—commiserating with Jess as if she bore no responsibility for the gaping hole in his heart.

Pulling in a breath, Tom opened her E-mail message, with the certain knowledge that this charade could spell suicide for their friendship. Whatever was left of it anyway. He wanted to get Jess over the emotional hurdles, without causing her to hate him for the rest of his life when she discovered the truth.

Still, he had prayed long and hard after leaving Jess’s apartment, and he’d gotten off his knees with one strong conviction—if she saw his heart, without attaching his friendly face to it, the truth might finally register.

Dear TC,

I like your idea. I’m fine with meeting strictly in E-mail for now. I’m sorry you’ve ‘run the gamut.’ And though you seem reluctant to discuss your problematic relationship in depth, I’m afraid the anonymity of this process may bring out the worst in me; meaning, I’m apt to spill too many details if we communicate for a time.

The long and short of it is that my “friend”—I THOUGHT he was a friend—up and dumped me for no good reason. We spent almost all our free time together for the past sixteen years. (Best friends since high school.) And POOF—now he’s gone—practically. Perhaps you’re right to want to bury your past, move to California, move on. I don’t know what good will come of rehashing it all anyway.

By the way, it’s fine that you’re dating other Love Online members while we communicate. I’ll be doing the same. My first date didn’t work out well, but I promised myself four more tries before throwing in the towel. After that, I don’t know what. But I’m striving for “godliness with contentment.”

I hope you write back soon. I feel better already having shared my woes with a nameless, faceless friend. Say a prayer for me, will you?

Sincerely,

Loves God—but you can call me “Jess”

“Wow, Jess.” Tom snapped down the
REPLY
button. “A friend who up and dumped you, huh?” He shook his head and commenced typing.

Dear Jess,

It was good hearing from you again. But I’m sorry to hear about the “friend” who up and dumped you after sixteen years of friendship.

Since you weren’t romantically involved, how does a friend “dump” a friend? Is that the same as dumping a girlfriend? Do you have any idea why he’s keeping his distance from you?

Godliness with contentment is something we should ALL strive for. But as long as we put the Lord first in our lives, He wants to give us the desires of our heart. That includes marriage and children, if that’s what you want. So keep the faith!