Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum) (28 page)

He should have just left me alone. He knew we could
never work. Why hadn’t he just left me alone?

But was it fair to say that? Had I been selfish by—

No. I wasn’t going to allow myself to think that way.
It would destroy me.

“Denise, don’t do this to yourself.”

I jumped, startled by the sound of Astoria’s voice.
“That’s enough out of you,” I said.

“I just want you to listen—”

“No. I don’t want to hear it. Stop pretending like you
care how I feel. You’re glad this happened. Because I’m
that friend everybody wants around. The one you can
always look to for reassurance that you’re not a loser. The
hopelessly, perpetually single friend. The one you can
‘aw’ over and feel bad for. But secretly be glad your life
isn’t that pathetic. And you know what? I am sick and
tired of being that friend. So you’re just going to have to get over yourself, as hard as that may be, and let me be.”

“That’s not it at all, Denise. You’re not listening.”

“I’ve listened to you too much. And I’m right where
you wanted me because of that. Be happy. Gloat.
Whatever. But leave me alone.”

“You need to—”

“I don’t have to do anything. I know you always think
you know what’s best for me. But spare me today. I just
need to be alone right now. What I don’t need is for you
to perpetually try to run my life. And for you to try to set
me up with people you know I won’t work with so you
can always be in charge. Go run somebody else’s life or
whatever. But excuse me while I wallow in despair and
disappointment,” I said, pushing past her and leaving her
staring stupidly after me.

I
lay on the floor in Suse’s room, wrapped around a
box of her mom’s oatmeal cookies. I was safe with her.
Suse listened to me. She let me be sad. And most impor
tant of all, she let me believe I was right—even when I
was dead wrong.

“So, she just sat there, rubbing it in. All smug. I know
she hates John, but was that necessary?” I stuffed another
cookie into my mouth.

“I’m sorry, Denise,” she said. She was beginning to sound like a broken record.

“I don’t understand,” I wailed. My stomach was all
knots. I pushed the cookies away. I’d made the mistake of
driving the long way to Suse’s so that I had just happened
to go by John’s house. And of course that thing’s Range
Rover had been parked out front. I didn’t know why I loved to torture myself. It almost seemed I thought that if I hurt
myself badly enough, it would make me stop loving him.

“I know it sucks. I know it hurts. But you have to
know everything happens for a reason.”

“How he gonna say he loved me? What kind of mess
is that when he just went back to her? He made a fool of
me and I let him,” I said, ignoring Suse’s words.

“Maybe he did.”

“Huh?” Suse was finally saying something I was inter
ested in. I turned my head to face her.

“Well, maybe it really was too hard for him.”
“Hmph.”

“Have you tried to talk to him since the breakup?”
“What would be the point? He made his choice,” I
said. I wasn’t entirely sure that was true, though. In fact,
I knew it was false. I wanted to hear his voice even if he
was an ass. I wanted to know he still knew I was alive.
And for him to care about me. I at least wanted to know
he missed me. That he was in at least half the pain I was in. I knew it was stupid, but it was also all I wanted. I
refused to call him, though. I had at least that much
going for me. For all he knew, I could be over him and
doing just fine.

“Well, all you’re doing is making yourself sick over
this. I hate to see you so sad,” Suse said. “Maybe this is for
the best, you know? The two of you tried. But it’s hard to
make a relationship work even when both people are—”

“Are what, Suse?” I glared at her.

“You can get angry with me if you want to, Denise.
But you know it’s true. Different races? Different classes?
Completely different backgrounds? It’s a lot,” Suse said.

I said nothing. I just turned away from her.

“Well, I’m going to Barrister’s with regular, plain,
black Erich. You and Astoria should be the happiest
people on earth.”

“I just want you to be happy, Denise. And if I
thought John could provide you with that, I’d be all for
the two of you. But it seems you’ve never been unhappier.
Starting almost as soon as you two started dating. How
am I supposed to want my best friend to be in a relation
ship that’s destroying her?”

“Make up your mind. Stop saying two different
things. Anyway, I wasn’t always unhappy. Most of the
time, I was happier than I’ve ever been. And it’s
destroying me more not to be with him.”

“
Are you sure about that? Ask yourself honestly. Don’t
answer for me or Astoria or anyone else. Just answer
yourself that,” Suse said.

I said nothing back. I just kept staring straight ahead.
That was the very question I’d been trying to avoid
asking myself since before John and I had broken up.
Maybe it really was too hard. I knew one thing for sure. It was too hard to love him. But it was even harder to stop.

* * *

Astoria, Suse, and I all got ready for Barrister’s
together. Astoria was getting on my last nerve. She was
convinced Erich and I were getting together because I’d
agreed to go to Barrister’s with him. She was planning
out all this stuff we were all supposed to do together. And
talking about how Erich’s parents had a timeshare up
north that he’d talked about wanting to take me to and a lot of other stuff I had no desire to hear.

My mind was on Sasha and John. I knew Sasha was
in Richmond at that moment. Were they at dinner? Were
they screwing? How much had they screwed since she’d
gotten into town? I bet they laughed about me and John.
That it was some giant joke between them. I knew her
smug ass was eating it up that John and I hadn’t lasted. I knew she was full of I-told-you-so’s and I-always-knew’s.
And I couldn’t stand it.

“C’mon, Denise. It’s already six-thirty. Dinner’s at
eight,” Astoria said.

I
shrugged. I was still in jeans and a sweatshirt, staring
forlornly at my dress. I’d had to exchange the dress I’d
really wanted for that one because the first dress matched
John’s tux and I refused to wear a dress that matched his
tux. I’d gotten a simple full-length black halter dress
instead. It was fitting. I was in mourning. I didn’t even
really want to go anymore. But I knew Astoria would kill
me if I didn’t. And it also wouldn’t have been fair to poor,
innocent, caught-in-the-crossfire Erich.

“Yeah, Denise. Your hair isn’t even finished. You have
no makeup on. You haven’t done a thing,” Suse said with
a sigh.

“Well, I thought Astoria was going to dress me. She
does everything else for me. I’m so helpless. Apparently, I
can’t do anything for myself,” I muttered angrily.

“I’m gonna let that go because I know this is hard for
you,” Astoria said lightly. Sure, she was happy. She finally
had me on a date with Erich. I couldn’t even look at her.

“I brought that necklace you wanted to borrow,” Suse
said, holding out a silver necklace with a black opal pen
dant along with matching earrings.

I didn’t move to take them from her.

She put the necklace set on the desk in front of me
and placed her hand on my back. “Are you sure you still
want to go tonight?”

“Of course she does. What are you talking about?”
Astoria quickly jumped in. No doubt to save her master
plan.

I looked up sourly at them both. “I’m not going to
back out now. Plus, the only thing worse than staring at
them together all night is thinking about them together
all night. I spend too many nights doing that already.” I
turned away from them and put my head in my hands.

“Don’t let him have so much power over you,”
Astoria said.

I said nothing. All I could see, hear, feel, taste or smell
was John. John kissing me. John laughing. John joking
with my dad and uncle. Pulling me into his arms. Raising
his eyebrows in that very John way when I said some
thing that didn’t make sense to him. Asleep next to me on
the sofa during some movie I made him watch that he
had no interest in. John taking up for me at his parents’.
The John I had finally gotten
.
The John who apparently
no longer existed, although I was not quite ready to
believe that. I couldn’t get him out of my head. And all
they
could do was to just keep insisting I do the impos
sible. Easy for them to say.

“Denise—”

“No, Suse, that’s enough.”

“Denise. Honey. I know what it’s like to be com
pletely in love with someone and have your heart broken.
I thought Keith and I would last forever. I had started
picking out my engagement ring and cutting out pictures of wedding dresses I liked and even bookmarking wed
ding web sites. But I had to cut him loose. He had too
many problems that I couldn’t help him fix. And now
he’s married to that woman. And it’s nobody’s fault.”
Astoria’s voice was quieter than I’d ever heard it.
“Sometimes . . . it’s just nobody’s fault no matter how
badly you want to have someone to blame.”

I
looked up, stunned. I knew how hard it was for her
to talk about Keith. She really did want to help. I walked
over and put my arms around her. She hugged me back
fiercely.

“Okay, I guess it’s time to grab that shower,” I said
with a tried, tired smile. I pulled back from Astoria and
grabbed my robe from the back of the desk chair. I was
dying inside, but I had to try. I had to attempt to come
out of this thing. If not for myself, for Astoria and Suse. They were trying so hard to bring me back to life. I could
at least pretend they had succeeded for their sakes.

* * *

Barrister’s was held at a hotel downtown. We arrived
about an hour after the dance started. That was at least
one less hour I had to pretend with Erich and secretly torture myself with stolen glances at John. I walked into
the room, pretending that I didn’t even see John looking
as good as he wanted to look. But of course I had
searched him out as soon as we came into the room. And
of course that skank was hanging off of him.

Erich was a good guy. And he looked good in his tux.
But I had no desire to be there with him, and I only paid
attention to him when I knew John was looking at me.
For instance, as soon as I saw John noticing me after I
walked into the room, I turned to Erich immediately.
From the corner of my eye, I saw John tap Ral on the
shoulder and start talking to him.

I
could tell as the night wore on that John was pretty
drunk. And I had seen him and some of the other guys
surreptitiously pull out flasks more than once that night.
Ral seemed to be getting pretty fed up with it all. He and
his date moved to the outer edge of the group. Sasha
spent most of the night huddled around with those hor
rible cookie-cutter Tau Gamma Chi girls. They seemed
really excited about something. I had no doubt it had
something to do with John. Sasha was certainly the
center of their attention.

As the night wore on, I wanted to be there less and
less. Especially once when John looked dead at me. My
heart pounded as his eyes burned into mine. For a
moment I was crazy enough to think he was coming over.
Then he chose a seat at his table that put his back com
pletely to me.