Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum) (30 page)

I let him slip my shirt over my head, and then buried
my face right back into his shoulder. I breathed in the
fresh scent of soap and deodorant; nothing had ever
smelled so good to me.

This is wrong, this is wrong, this is
wrong, I thought as we fell onto the bed and I noticed his BlackBerry lying
on the nightstand. I had a feeling it was turned off. But
part of me didn’t care. I wanted to be with him. It felt so good to have his skin on mine again. To feel his tongue against my tongue. To feel his fingers pressing softly in all
the right places. It felt right—like things were the way
they were supposed to be. We fit in every way. Physically.
Mentally. Emotionally. I felt as if a part of me was inside
of him. And whenever I was away from John, I was
missing that part. I was the one who deserved to be with
him anyway. I was entitled. Or so I told myself.

“I love you,” he whispered.

I put my hand on his forehead and pushed him away
from me. Hold on. That was not cool. He didn’t get to
say that.

“What?” I said, sitting up in the bed.

“I never said I didn’t.” John pushed away my hand and tried to pull me to him.

“No, John. You don’t get to say that anymore. You
don’t get to throw a little fit like you just did, you don’t
get to be all up on Sasha all night, you don’t get to ask her
to marry you and then come out the mouth with some
t
hing like that.” I pushed him away again and sprang out
of the bed.

“You’re not going anywhere, Denise.”

“The hell I’m not.” I pulled my shirt back over my
head.

“You came here because you want me.”

“And that doesn’t give you the right to treat me this
way. Thank you, John, for bringing me back to my
senses. I can’t believe I was going to do that.” I snatched
my shoes from the floor. As I started to pull them on, he
stood up. I tried to avoid looking at him. He was very
right. I still wanted him. And I hated myself for it. And
him.

“Denise, don’t do this.”

“No, John. How ’bout
you
not do this? All you have done is mess with my head since I met you. I’m tired of
this. I’m tired of it always has to be John’s way and John’s
always right. You’re the selfish one. You think you can
have everything you want? You don’t get to have it both
ways. You don’t get to make me your whore and walk
around with her in the light of day. You’re getting mar
ried and you want to fuck me? What is wrong with you?
What makes you think you have that right?” I screamed at him. I felt really good. For all of ten seconds.

John’s face changed completely. “Whatever. Get out.
I don’t need this from you. Nobody made you come here,
Denise. You’re crazy,” he said, turning his back to me.
Had I really wanted to do that? I mean, he hadn’t asked
me there with the best intentions, but if there was ever to
be a chance—

No. There are no more chances. He’s
engaged.
He thinks
you’re crazy and he only wants you for sex. Just get out!
I
thought. So I said nothing. I grabbed my purse and
walked toward the door.

“Oh, and Denise? Thanks for proving my point yet
again that we’d never work.” I froze at the sound of John’s
voice.

“You know what? Fuck you, dumb-ass frat boy.” I
slammed the door behind me before he could say another
word or I could burst into tears.

I walked slowly back to my car, as if in a trance. I fell
into the driver’s seat. I don’t even remember closing the
door, but I must have. I fell across the console, my arms in the passenger seat, and just lay there.

I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I filled my lungs
with air. My eyes were stinging. My hands were shaking.
Just when I thought my lungs would burst, I let out a long, trembling, screaming sob. My whole body con
vulsed with the force of my sobs. Tears poured down my
face.

John was gone. No more green eyes. No more
touches. No more kisses. All gone. Lost to Sasha. He had
told me so many times he didn’t love her. And I wasn’t
just imagining things. I had never seen him look at Sasha
the way he looked at me. Even that night, when he’d told
me he loved me, the way he had looked at me . . .

I don’t know exactly when I fell asleep. I just know I
opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the door to my glove compartment sometime later that morning. I
picked myself up, my side aching from being slumped over
s
ideways for hours. My head hurt, and so did my throat. I
turned the engine over, rested my forehead against the steering wheel, and waited for the car to warm up.

* * *

“Erich, you have it all wrong,” I rasped. My voice was
almost gone.

“Save it. I always knew you were still hung up on
him. I just have proof now,” Erich said quietly.

I felt like the horrible, nasty thing I’d become. I had
no romantic interest in Erich, but I still had no desire to hurt him. Erich told me he’d seen my car outside of the
hotel on his way home that morning. And that he’d seen
me texting John at the after-party but hadn’t said any
thing. I didn’t think there was any way he could know
that and he was just trying to save face. I let him. I didn’t
call him on it. After seeing my car, he’d made a U-turn
and come to my apartment to wait for me.

“Nothing happened.” I struggled to find my voice. I
was fully aware of how stupid and cliché that sounded.

Erich raised his hands in front of him, palm side up.
“Denise. What’s the big deal? You never wanted me
anyway. I was stupid to let Astoria fool me into thinking
you did. I kept lettin’ her put me on you, and listening to
John both before when he said nothing was going on and
after y’all broke up when he said it was over. But I knew
better. I did,” Erich said, looking away.

I reached out to touch his arm and he backed up, pulling away from me.

“You don’t understand. Just let me explain.”

“I don’t have to understand. You know why? Because
I’m done, Denise. I am
done
.”

“Nothing—”

“Happened. I know. That’s why you’re wearing the same clothes you wore to the party last night. And why
your car was still there at ten this morning. Really,
Denise. Did you even shower? You smell like him.”

“I fell asleep in my car.”

“Hm. You can’t even lie right. You slept in your car in
a hotel parking lot? I could see right through you last
night. I let you go without saying anything because I
wanted you to set your own trap. Not because I believed
you. Please,” Erich said. I had never seen him so angry.
Actually, I had never seen him angry at all.

I shook my head sadly. “It doesn’t matter. Believe
what you want.” I sank down into my couch.

“I feel sorry for you, Denise. I really do. All wrapped
up in this boy, and everybody in the world can see he
doesn’t want you except for you,” Erich said. The disgust
in his voice stung.

I nodded. I could see it. That didn’t change the fact
that I couldn’t let go.

“You really messed up. I was ready to treat you like a
queen. But it’s good that you did. Because you deserve to
be treated like crap. If that’s all you want for yourself.
Which apparently it is.”

“I thought you were leaving.” I forced the words out
of my swollen throat while staring down at my hands.

“
Oh, I am. Don’t worry. I can’t believe I let Astoria
get me caught up in your crazy. But let me let you know. You don’t have to worry about seeing me ever again.”

“That’s for the best.”

“Believe me. I know.”

“Look, I never pretended anything was there that wasn’t.”

“You know, before last night, I could have agreed
with that. But now, I can’t even say that much is true. I
can’t even say that for you.” Erich grabbed his coat,
stormed out and slammed the door behind him. I just sat
there, blankly staring at the door.

My heart jumped when my phone buzzed. Even
though it was insanely stupid to do so, I hoped I would see John’s number on the caller ID. I took it out, saw
Astoria’s number and let out a hoarse scream of frustra
tion, throwing the phone across the room. Tia was just emerging from her room, surprise written across her face.

“Dang. I think maybe you broke that thing,” she said.

“Good. I hope I did. There’s no one I wanna talk to
anyway,” I snarled, jumping up.

“What’s wrong with you?” She looked puzzled.

I needed someone to take it out on. And I was
quickly running out of people brave or stupid enough to
cross my path. “Nothing. And clean up your mess sometimes. Can’t you see I just cleaned in here? What is wrong
with you?” I threw a pair of her jeans across the room.
She ducked just in time and they sailed over her head.

As I stormed off to my room, I heard her mutter,
“bitch” under her breath; but from that day on, the apart
ment was definitely cleaner.

* * *

That evening, with the day I was having, of course I ran into John’s roommates while picking up a few things
at Wal-Mart. And they actually had the nerve to stop me.
They’d barely said two words to me the whole time John
and I were together. Shawn James and Tyler Ross. Shawn
was blond, and the dark-haired Tyler stood next to him.

“What do you want? Sasha set you two on me, too?” I asked. I didn’t want to see anybody at that moment;
least of all them. Then I heard some of the most shocking
words I had ever heard in my life.

“No. Um, I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” Tyler said.
Shawn rolled his eyes. He kept looking at his watch and
staring impatiently toward the front of the store. He
obviously didn’t want to be there.

“Really?” I was truly confused.

“Yeah. It was so stupid of us to act dumb, like when
you came over. The way we acted while you were with
John was not cool. I just wanted to say it’s gonna be dif
ferent now,” Tyler said.

“Okay,” was all I could think of to say. Tyler looked
around and then he leaned in close.

“So. I was thinking maybe you could come over
tonight. You know, after Sasha leaves. I know you
wouldn’t want to be there while she is. But I could give
you a call later. If you give me your number. I heard you
know how to have fun,” Tyler said quietly.

My mouth dropped open. I was furious. The fact that
I actually considered it for a minute pissed me off even m
ore. After all, he was hot and it would have been great
revenge.

“I don’t know what John’s been telling you, but I’m not like that.” I drew away from him.

“Whatever you say,” Tyler said with an amused grin.

“No. I mean it. Get out of here,” I said, glaring at
him. Shawn was suddenly interested in our conversa
tion again. He snickered. Their maturity level was
astounding.

“Well, I’ve heard about you, no matter what you say.
And I like what I hear. So you take this. Just in case,” Tyler said, writing his number on the back of a receipt
he’d taken out of his wallet while he was talking. He had the nerve to stick it down the front pocket of my jeans.
And he was in no hurry to remove his hand when he was
done. He grinned, winking at me. I angrily pulled his
hand out of my jeans and pushed him away.

“You nasty little fool!” I cried.