Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum) (33 page)

“Thom, I can’t talk about this, okay? Stop—just stop.
Okay?”

“I just want you to think about it, okay? For both of
your sakes.”

“You don’t know, Thom. You just don’t know.”
“Neither do you, Denise.”

“Bye, Thom.”

“Please, Denise. Just please—”

“Bye, Thom.”

“Think about it. Bye, Denise,” Thom said.

I switched the phone off and let it fall out of my
hands. I took deep, gasping breaths as I fended off the
body-quaking sobs I felt rising in my chest.

Almost involuntarily, I called Astoria and told her to
get over to my place at two in the morning. She came, no
doubt cussing me the whole way. I told her all about my
conversation with Thom. She sat on my bed, cross-
legged, listening to the whole thing, nodding and not
interrupting. For one, brief moment, I thought she was
going to be a good listener and just commiserate with
me.

Then she opened her mouth. “Well, that just goes to
show you. You should have never gotten involved with
this fool. Now his brother is trying to draw you back in.
I hope you’re not thinking about it,” Astoria said obtusely
as soon as I was done telling the story.

“You know, Astoria, it would be nice if you could just
be on my side sometimes,” I sighed.

“You kiddin’, right? I’m always on your side. That’s why I’m trying to get you to see the light, as always.”
“Sometimes I just need an ear, and not a mouthful.”
“If you ask me, you should just go ahead and ask
Donnovan out. If you had sense, you would do that.”
“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t ask you, then,
huh?”

“Well, well, well . . . I—”

“Well, well, you what? Huh?”

“
You asked
me
over here and you have the nerve—”
“No. You have the nerve. A good friend knows when to shut up and just be there for her friend.”

“No, Denise. I’ll tell you what a good friend does. A
good friend gets her ass up at two in the morning and
comes to her crazy friend’s house because her crazy friend
is doing something crazy again. A good friend tries to
help her crazy friend see what’s best for her. A good friend
doesn’t let her crazy friend make the same old mistakes
over and over!” Astoria shouted back.

“What mistakes? I haven’t gone near him since—”

“Since when, huh? Since Barrister’s? Since when,
exactly? I know you weren’t going to say since you two broke up. You can’t leave that boy alone, Denise!”

“That’s not true. I haven’t even talked about him in
weeks.”

“You almost hooked up with his roommate just to get
back at him.”

“That’s not how it happened at all!”

“Denise, I am not having this fight again,” Astoria
said, jumping up. And she was gone before I could say
another word.

The day after my “heart to heart” with Astoria, I went
to Apryl’s and sprawled out on the couch. The best thing
about my cousin is she always seems to understand me
without words. She just let me lay there, watching her premium cable with glazed-over eyes. Astoria and I only
had basic cable, and we often came to Apryl’s to watch
our favorite shows on HBO, Showtime and the rest of those channels.

B
ut that day I couldn’t concentrate on the television,
and I should have been studying for finals anyway. But
all I wanted to do was lie on Apryl’s couch, being mostly
left alone. I was only interrupted from doing that when
Taye pounced on me occasionally and told me some
inane fact or asked me a slew of questions. Once I acted
enlightened by his fact or answered his stream of ques
tions, he was off again, leaving me wishing I was that
easy to make content.

When Astoria walked in, I barely looked up at her.

She sat on the arm of the couch nearest my feet. “I
thought you’d probably be here. I called Apryl and she
told me you were.”

I shifted to a more comfortable position, but
remained on my side, watching the television.

“Suse is here, too. She’s out in the car, talking to
Charles. She’ll be in here in a minute.”

“I thought she was going to see him this weekend,” I
said, sitting up on the couch.

Astoria slid over next to me. “That’s what they’re
screaming about on the phone right now. I told her about
last night and she said there was no way she was aban
doning you.”

I snorted. “Abandoning me? What did you tell her?
That I was drowning?”

“Would I be wrong to tell her that? Seems pretty true
to me.” She looked down at her hands and then back up
at me. “Denise, why do you let him affect you like this?”

“What do you want me to say? You’ve already heard
me say it all.”

“I can’t believe it after all of this. Crazy Sasha fol
lowing you around. The way he’s treated you. And nice,
good-looking Donnovan always hanging around,
wanting to spend time with you? After all this, you would
still be caught up and over that wh—”

“Don’t you start. I’ll leave right now,” I cut her off.
Astoria and I sat there, glowering at each other.

“I don’t even understand why you put yourself in this
position. Why do you let that idiot affect you like this?”

“You act like you don’t know me. Like you don’t
know I don’t always make the smart decisions.”

“One thing I do know is that you need to start taking
responsibility for the things that happen in your life.”

“Don’t worry about the things that happen in my life.
No one’s asking you to pick up after me. I’m not your
child, your project, or anything else.”

It got quiet again.

“I’m just trying to look out for you,” Astoria finally said. “Friends do that for each other.”

“I know. But you have to stop. We are never going to
see eye-to-eye on this. And I really don’t want us to lose our friendship over this, but I can feel it slipping away if
you keep this up,” I said.

Astoria stared down at her hands.

“Astoria, think about it. Every time we have this con
versation, it ends up exactly like this. You can’t save me
from everything. I appreciate you trying. I know you’re just trying to be a good friend. But all you’re doing is
making me resent you. And I don’t want to resent you. I
love you, Astoria. But I need to get through this on my o
wn. In my own way. I need you to understand and
respect that,” I said.

Astoria continued staring down, not saying a word. “I just—I wanted to save you from some of the pain I went
through.” When she did look up, her eyes were full of
sadness.

I moved closer and put my arm around her.

“I know. But that’s not what I need right now. I need you to step back. I just need to work through this,” I said.

“I’ll back down. Our friendship means more to me
than proving that I’m right. Even though I know I am.”

I laughed. That was the best I was going to get, and I
knew it. “Good.” I hugged her. However, I had the
feeling that she was already formulating a new plan of
attack as we sat there.

SOFTBALL BATTLE

The last day of the law school’s annual softball tourna
ment was a turning point. One of those “that’s it”
moments. Everybody had been drinking beer and playing
all day. We were pretty drunk by the time we ended up at some guy’s house afterward. And of course, John and his
team ended up at the same party Astoria, Suse, and I did.
Of course this meant Tyler and Shawn were there.
Thankfully, Sasha wasn’t in town that weekend. Apparently,
she’d had to go to the Hamptons with her family for some
social engagement. John had refused to miss the tourna
ment. Sasha wasn’t happy about it, but she’d been unable to
get out of the Hamptons thing, and so they had to spend
their first weekend apart since Barrister’s. I overheard some
people talking about it, shocked that she’d torn herself away
from John for a weekend.

Suse and Astoria wanted me to leave as soon as we got
there and realized John was there as well. I refused to
leave. I baby-sat the keg and flirted with Donnovan,
who’d been with us all day. He was on our softball team.

Once they realized I wasn’t going to leave, Suse tried
to make the best of it at first, breaking out into choruses
of the school fight school with Donnovan and I occasion
a
lly. She and I would then burst into giggles. Astoria split her time between “checking on me” (translation: making sure I was nowhere near John) and flirting with this guy
she’d met at the game. He was a grad student from
another program, but he was friends with a lot of the law
school guys at the party.

Suse clapped a hand on my shoulder. “Denise, you
were so funny. I’ve never seen anyone run from the ball
before.”

I laughed. I had struck out, but I’d done it with flair.
“Hey, that’s why I like roller derby. No ball involved.”

“Denise, you are too much,” Donnovan said with a
chuckle, putting his arm around my waist.

I put mine around him and caught his eye, realizing
my flirting had gone too far. He leaned in close and his
lips almost brushed mine. I turned my head at the last
minute and reached down to pour myself another cup of
beer. Things got strange between us after that, and we
drifted off in opposite directions. I didn’t see him for the
rest of the time I was at the party.

Later that evening, a lot of people headed downtown
for the bars. Most of the people left had migrated to the
living room. Astoria and Suse wanted to go. Astoria was
bored. Her crush had moved on with the downtown
crowd, and she wanted to follow him to the Bottom. And
neither of them liked me and John being in the same
room. Astoria hadn’t said anything about John since our
little talk at Apryl’s, but I could constantly see it in her
face that it took effort for her not to mention him. She still wanted to play protector.

“
Why can’t we just go?” Astoria sighed yet again. I felt
as if she was asking that every single minute.

“You can. I’m not ready.” I answered with the same
reply I’d given her countless times, my eyes trained on
John and some of his cronies across the room, a faint sneer on my lips.

“Is it really fun for you to sit in this little corner and
stare at him? Is that just making your night?” Suse
snapped. I was surprised by her sudden change in tone
and attitude, but I kept my eyes focused forward. I said
nothing. She sighed, throwing her hands up in frustra
tion. “You guys can find a ride home if I leave?”

“Yeah. Sure,” Astoria said.

“Bye,” Suse said, grabbing her purse. Astoria said bye
to her. I gave a half wave in her direction, my eyes still
focused forward. I think maybe I was trying to burn a
hole into John with my eyes. Suse walked off with a little
cry of frustration.

“Hey. You never called me.” I finally looked away
from John, startled by the sound of Tyler’s voice.

“Tyler. Hi,” I said, leaning back against the wall. John
finally looked in my direction. I saw him over Tyler’s
shoulder. Was his jaw clenched? Or was it just a combina
tion of alcohol and wishful thinking that made me see that?

“So. I’ve been thinkin’ about ya,” Tyler said as he set
his beer down on a nearby table.