Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum) (35 page)

He nodded and licked his lips. “So I hear. I just
wanted to let you know that whatever happened between you two after the softball game—that’s your business and
his. Certainly not mine. I mean, we’ve always been just
friends, right?”

“Right.” My knees went weak with relief at hearing
him say that. If only I could have been with someone
sane like him. But I knew it wouldn’t work. My heart
couldn’t be in it. I still needed time to heal. The softball
nightmare proved that.

“I mean, it’s probably obvious I think you’re attractive and I wouldn’t mind giving it a shot under different cir
cumstances. But the heart wants what it wants. I get
that.”

“Yeah, I wish my heart had as much sense as you do,”
I said. We both laughed too loud, trying to compensate for the things we both avoided mentioning.

“Good. Now I don’t have to avoid your eyes and feel
stupid all the time,” he said.

“Yeah, that is good.” I smiled.

He hugged me and said, “So, good luck with all that’s
going on—well, good luck.”

“
Thanks, Donnovan.” I pulled back from him, plans
already formulating in my mind to set him up with
Astoria. No point in letting a good man go to waste.

Not long after Donnovan and I went back inside, the
party started breaking up. People floated off to start
studying for finals, to get some sleep before diving into
books and note outlines, or to enjoy one last night of
freedom. Inez, Suse, and Melissa left, but I stayed to help
clean up. I made them go ahead despite their reluctance to leave me. I wanted some time to myself, and I was
looking forward to my walk home after helping our
coach collect the decorations and other things she’d
brought in from home.

The coach and I were the last ones of our party to
leave. We said goodbye to each other and turned in oppo
site directions to head home outside of the restaurant. That’s when I bumped against a man in a tan jacket.

“Excuse me,” I said, moving to go around the man.

He didn’t move. “Denise?”

I looked up and saw that it was Ral I’d run into. “Hi,
Ral. How are you?” I hadn’t seen much of him since the
breakup.

“I’m good, Denise. How are you?” The way he asked the question connoted that he actually cared about the
answer.

“Great. We’re almost third years,” I said, my fake
smile still in place.

He saw right through me. “I’m sorry he’s such a jerk. If it makes you feel any better, he’s lying to everyone.
Including himself.”

My smile fell. “It doesn’t.”

“I didn’t think it would. But it was worth a try,” Ral
said, patting my shoulder. “I just feel so bad about every
thing that happened.”

“Don’t, Ral. Because I’m going to be okay. I’m moving
on, life goes on, insert your favorite cliché here . . .” I said.

He laughed. “You really are a great person. And he
might be my friend, but he’s also a real idiot.”

“When you’re right, you’re right.”

“I think it’s so stupid that we can’t hang out anymore
because the two of you broke up. Who made that stupid
rule up, anyway?”

“Who says we can’t?”

“Call me sometime, okay?”

“Sure,” I said, although I had no intention of doing
it. Ral was fun to be around, but too close to the source for that. I’d just see John the whole time.

“Well, I’d better get going. I’m meeting someone for
drinks.”

“Someone?” I gestured with my hands, wanting him
to elaborate.

Ral grinned, shaking his head. “You wouldn’t know
her. She goes to University of Richmond.”

“Okay, Ral, have fun.”

“See you around.”

“See you,” I said. He continued down the street and
I turned and headed in the direction of my apartment
complex.

I dragged my feet down the sidewalk, trying to
block out the phantom thoughts that were always hov ering too close to the surface. Talking to Ral had trig
gered them again. Between Thom’s words and John prac
tically jumping on me at the club, I was having a lot of
trouble thinking straight. I was glad finals were starting
soon. I wouldn’t have much time to think such dangerous
thoughts.

FINALITY AND FINALS

My flight was boarding. Finally. I needed to get the
hell out. I had decided to abandon everything. I called
Dettweiler, the law firm that I was supposed to work for
that summer, and told them I wasn’t coming. I wrote my
mother a letter because I was too weak to face her and tell
her the truth. I wrote Suse and Astoria emails for the same reason. My lease with Tia was up. I was running
away. I didn’t want any of it anymore. Law school seemed
so unimportant. Everything in my life seemed badly con
structed and wrong.

John had mended my heart, shattered it, and then
shattered it even more. Every time I thought about him
was another stab to my heart. The more I tried not to
think about every time he’d made me laugh, held me, touched me, told me he loved me . . . the more those
thoughts filled me up so that I could see, hear, think
nothing else. The more I remembered our brief—very
brief—time together. We started dating a little before
Thanksgiving. It ended a little before Valentines Day. It
didn’t seem right. We’d deserved more time together.
Every memory hurt. And then there were Thom’s words
still scorching my head and heart.

I
fought my way through finals even though my heart
wasn’t in law school anymore. My heart wasn’t in any
thing anymore. My life just felt kind of stale.

I’d given it my best shot, but finally realized there was
no salvaging my old life. It was a complete mystery how
I’d gotten through finals, but I was done. I resigned from
my position as editor-in-chief on the law review board for
the upcoming year. What was the point? I wasn’t going
back. Not that they knew it yet, but I wasn’t. I was done.
I decided that as I turned in my last final. I had thought,
what was I doing there? That I didn’t want to be there.
And there was no reason for me to stay. I didn’t want law
school or anything else in Virginia. I didn’t stop to think about how selfish that might be to my friends and family.

Time to walk away. Nothing had turned out right.
My plan had failed in every way possible. I had to leave
my painful, old life behind.

The night after my last final, while watching a reality
show set in Vegas, I started wondering about how great it
would be if I could just go to Vegas. Start over. Then I
asked myself why not? Why couldn’t I? Couldn’t I at least
get a fresh start? Didn’t I deserve that much?

John, as always, had had perfect timing. And so he
picked that night to show up on my doorstep. I don’t
know what possessed him to come over that night. I just
knew that he had some nerve after everything that had happened. He showed up right as I had been in the midst
of my dreams of starting over. He came in without a
word and went straight to my room. I followed, making
faces at his back the whole way.

“
Come on in,” I said sarcastically as I shut my door.
He didn’t say a word. I crossed the room, glaring at him,
and sat on my bed.

John sat next to me with a sigh. He put his head in
his hands. His shoulders slumped forward. I continued
to stare straight ahead, my arms folded over my chest.

“I don’t know what else to say. I’ve told you I’m sorry,
like, six hundred times,” he said hollowly. Mechanically.
As if he was just saying what he thought he ought to say.

“You’ve said enough. You’ve said way too much,” I
said quietly, my heart beating rapidly. I tried not to let myself think about the possibility that he had come over
to tell me he wanted to be with me. “I don’t even know why you’re here.”

“I’m trying to get you to stop hating me. But that
seems pretty futile,” John said softly.

I finally turned to face him, my mouth hanging open
in disbelief. “You the one been actin’ hateful. How you
gonna say something like that? All you do is come around
here, trying to make me feel guilty for just trying to get through life the best way I can. It’s hard right now, you
know.”

“It’s hard for me, too.”

“Bull.”

“Whatever. I should have known better than to try to
have a real conversation with you. To try and reason with
you.”

“Yeah. Whatever you say. You’re always right. I don’t
know shit.”

“
I didn’t say that,” John said with an impatient sigh.
He ran his hands over his head and clasped them behind
his neck, his head lowering slightly further.

“Why did I let you in? Why did you even come over?
No, why did you ever even kiss me? Why’d you ever even
talk to me? If it was just going to lead to this? I wish you
and her were just married and out of my life already!”

“I don’t think you do,” John said quietly. “I also don’t
think you have ever tried to see it from my side.”

“And what’s your side? Huh? What could possibly be
so wrong in your perfect little life? Especially since you
got rid of me?” I snapped.

“Like you give a damn. All you want is to hear your
self ranting, Denise. That’s all you’ve ever done since this
whole mess started back in January,” he said, still not
looking up. Hands still clasped over his neck. I glared at
the top of his head, but I was still curious. Especially
thinking back to my phone conversation with Thom.

“C’mon. I’m giving you your chance. You’re always giving me that same, tired line about me not letting you
speak. So go on.”

“What’s the point if you never listen to what I have to
say?”

“Well, you’re the one who came over here. I didn’t ask
you to. If you have something to say, say it. I’m listening.”
“Yeah right.”

“I am,” I said in a less harsh tone.

“It’s funny that you just assume I have everything
because my family has money. I mean, you really think
money means a person has no problems? Denise, I wish
y
ou knew what it was like to be a commodity to your
parents instead of a son. And all of those people? I feel more alone around them than when I’m anywhere else.
You think I’m a spoiled frat boy, huh? Well, you’re always
accusing people of stereotyping you, but you were happy
enough to stick that label on
me
without looking deeper.”

I said nothing. I could think of nothing to say. I knew I had to hold onto my anger, though. It was all I had left. It was holding me together.

“Denise, you were one of the few people in my life
that I felt more than nothing with. You made me warm
inside. I don’t know exactly what it was about you, but I
just felt like everything was going to be okay when I was
with you. But our love maybe scared me. I dunno. I’d
never been in love before. I didn’t know what to do. And
I don’t think you knew, either. We were both fumbling in
the dark. We were playing a dangerous game. And we
had no idea what the rules were.”

“I never—you can’t speak for me—I . . .” But the
right words just wouldn’t come to me. He finally looked
up, smiling sadly at me. His liquid green eyes shone with
unshed tears. I hadn’t known it was possible for my heart
to break even more until that moment. He gently put his
hand to my mouth.

“It’s the way it has to be now. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m
sorry we hurt each other. But I’m not sorry I talked to
you. I’m not sorry I kissed you. And even though it didn’t
work out, I will never be sorry I fell in love with you. And
I’m glad, I’m so glad that I love you and I’ll always love
you. Because I haven’t felt such a real, raw emotion in
m
aybe . . . ever. And it makes me feel alive. Even now.
When almost everything else inside of me is dead.”