Love-shy (13 page)

But was Hamish right? Was I jeopardising my career by not dating in high school?

It sounded crazy.

Hamish was nearly in tears. He really wanted this.

‘So what do you think is stopping you from getting a girlfriend?' I asked.

He shrugged in a very emo way. ‘Everything,' he said. ‘My looks. The fact that I'm shy. Not
love-shy
,' he added hurriedly. ‘Just ordinary-shy. I don't have many friends. I'm not popular. I don't get invited to parties. I never get to meet any new people, and the girls I have spoken to just don't like me.'

‘
I
like you,' I said, trying to sound as if I meant it.

‘No, you don't.'

He was probably right. I didn't really know Hamish, but I disliked his defensive angriness, and the way he made me feel as if I might be more like him than I wanted to be. But did that mean that I disliked
him
? I decided to change the subject.

‘I think I can help you,' I said.

‘How?'

I didn't want to tell him I could get him a date with Rin, because I didn't know if it was true. What if Rin wasn't interested in Hamish? He wasn't exactly the catch of the day.

‘I need you to help me first,' I said.

Hamish shook his head. ‘You have to put something on the table,' he said. ‘Otherwise I'm going home to watch porn on the internet.'

I definitely couldn't subject Rin to Hamish. Not yet, anyway. Not until I'd fixed him up a bit.

I thought about it for a second. ‘You can go on a date with me,' I said. ‘Like a rehearsal-date.'

Hamish seemed offended. ‘I don't want to go out with you.'

‘Why not?' I asked. ‘What's wrong with me?'

Hamish shrugged. ‘You're bossy,' he said. ‘And you're not pretty. Even though you have an awesome rack.'

And he wondered why he didn't get anywhere with girls.

‘You don't seem very shy
now
,' I observed.

‘It's because I'm not attracted to you.'

I'd almost had enough of this. ‘Fine,' I said. ‘What if I take you to Sarah Parsons' birthday party next week? You can meet new people, hang with the cool crowd.'

Hamish looked like a dog who'd been offered a terrifying yet enticing bone. ‘What do you want in return?'

‘I want you to help me talk to Nick.'

‘How? He doesn't even know who I am. I don't post on the love-shy forum.'

‘But you must know how he
thinks
. You'll know how I can get to him.'

‘Why do you think I'd know that?' said Hamish, leaning back and folding his arms. ‘How many times do I have to tell you I'm not love-shy?'

‘I know you're not,' I said. ‘But you've been visiting the site for longer than I have. You know more about them. Plus you're a boy. I don't understand boy-brain at all. You can be my translator.'

Hamish gazed at me for a moment. ‘Fine,' he said. ‘I'll help you.'

‘Great,' I said. ‘So what do I do?'

‘Buy me a doughnut.'

I gave him a flat look, but went to order a doughnut, plus another coffee for myself. I sat back down, staring at Hamish expectantly.

‘Well?'

The waitress brought over his doughnut, and he took a bite. ‘Well,' he said, his mouth full. ‘First you need to be less intimidating.'

‘How?'

‘Make your boobs look smaller.'

‘
What?
'

‘You have epic cans, Penny. They're enough to smother a tiny love-shy boy to death.'

I folded my arms across my chest.

‘Seriously,' he said. ‘You're a very intimidating person.'

‘Because I'm smart?'

Hamish shook his head. ‘Because you're intimidating. You're loud and bossy, and you talk a lot but don't seem to do much listening. You think you're the best at everything, which is probably true. But that doesn't make you any less intimidating.'

My cheeks grew hot. ‘I'm not bossy!' I said. ‘I just like things to be done properly. It's not my fault that nobody else pays enough attention.'

‘Whatever.' Hamish shrugged.

‘And I
do
listen! I'm a journalist – part of my whole
reason
for existing
is to listen to people's stories and then share them with the world!'

Hamish nodded in what I felt was a patronising way. I
wasn't
bossy and intimidating. Was I?

‘Just tell me what I can do to get Nick to talk to me,' I said, glaring at him.

‘Fine,' said Hamish, and leaned forward. ‘You have to get into his friend zone.'

‘His friend zone? Please explain.'

Hamish's face clouded over, as if I was forcing him to talk about something that distressed him. ‘It's when someone stops viewing you as a potential partner, and sees you as just a friend. It's the curse of the shy guy.'

‘A curse? Why? What's wrong with being someone's friend?'

‘Once you're in the friend zone, you never get out.'

I laughed. ‘Are you serious? Heaps of people who are friends end up together. It happens all the time.'

‘Nope. Once you're in, you'll never get out.'

‘Come on,' I said. ‘It's not
The Twilight Zone
. Don't be ridiculous. How are you supposed to get to know someone if you can't become friends first? How are you supposed to judge if they've got a nice personality?'

‘That's bullshit,' Hamish said. ‘Girls always
say
they want a guy with a nice personality, but they don't. They either want someone who's hot, or someone who's rich.'

I wanted to smack him. ‘Do you think maybe you don't have a girlfriend because you run around saying that all girls are shallow?'

‘It's a real problem, Penny,' said Hamish. ‘Particularly for shy guys. All we want to do is make a girl happy. So we're nice, we're accommodating. We tell her how beautiful she is, and we buy her flowers and send her love letters. But that's not what girls want. They don't want
nice
guys. They want mean, aggressive alpha guys. You act like a caring human being, and she'll end up going shopping with you and taking you to the hairdresser before she runs off on a hot date with some tattooed meathead on a motorbike, leaving you to water her plants and let the cat out.'

I took a deep breath. ‘Okay,' I said. ‘What you're saying now? It's really offensive.'

‘Because
you
know so much about dating.'

‘I know more than whatever misogynistic men's magazine you picked up that charming little series of impressions from.'

‘Believe me, don't believe me,' said Hamish, finishing his doughnut and licking his fingers. ‘I don't care.'

I sighed. ‘So what does this have to do with Nick?'

‘If you're in his friend zone, he won't be scared of you anymore. He'll know you're not trying to hit on him, so he'll relax.'

‘Okay,' I said. ‘So how do I get into Nick's friend zone?'

‘I don't know,' admitted Hamish. ‘I guess you have to find a way to talk to him that completely removes all aspects of romance. A situation where romance and sex are totally, utterly, not options.'

‘Right,' I said. ‘That shouldn't be hard, given that I have no interest in pursuing either romance or sex with him.'

Hamish nodded. ‘You just have to figure out how to let
him
know that.'

I thought about my plans for Hamish and Rin all the way home, and as I got out of the lift on our floor, I was convinced that it would work. It was a win-win situation. Everyone would benefit!

I walked straight past my apartment, and knocked on Rin's door. I heard a burst of Japanese inside, and the sound of bare feet padding towards the door.

‘Penny!' Rin seemed disproportionately happy to see me.

‘Hey,' I said. ‘I just came by to see what you're doing over the weekend.'

Rin shot a look back into her apartment. ‘Hang on,' she hissed. ‘We can't talk here.'

She pushed me back into the corridor and followed me out, closing the door behind her. ‘My parents,' she said. ‘Very strict.'

‘Right,' I said. ‘Well, Sarah Parsons is having her birthday party on the weekend, and I thought you might like to come along.'

Rin's eyes lit up. ‘Really? Sarah said I was invited?'

‘She did indeed,' I lied.

Rin looked as though she might burst. ‘That's so exciting!' she said. ‘I'll have to tell my parents something. I'll figure it out, don't worry. Oh my God, what am I going to wear? Will there be lots of boys there? Who else is going? Should I wear heels or flats? Will there be dancing? Oh, and you
have
to stay for dinner.'

I blinked. That was a lot to take in all at once. Rin opened the door to her apartment and dragged me in after her.

‘Take off your shoes,' she said, and pointed to a rack of shoes by the door.

I slipped off my sneakers and put them carefully on the rack.

‘
Okaasan!
' she called, and pulled me into the living room.

Rin's apartment was the same as ours, except with different furniture. Their sofa looked much squishier and more comfy than ours, and instead of a proper dining table and chairs, there was a very low square table with cushions around it. A big fat buddha sat on a little red mat on the sideboard near the window, grinning at me.

Rin's mum was in the kitchen doing something involving rice and vegetables. It smelled amazing. I didn't think I'd ever smelled cooking in our apartment. Just the slightly damp smell of freshly arrived takeaway food.

‘
Okaasan, kochira wa Penny desu
,' said Rin to her mum
.
‘
Tonari ni sunde iru gakkou no tomodachi desu.
'

Mrs Tamaki smiled. ‘It's very nice to meet you, Penny,' she said in accented English, and made a little bow. She seemed very young to be Rin's mum, her black hair pulled up into a neat bun. She wore a pale blue cardigan, a fabric apron over loose cotton pants, and white linen slippers.

‘It's nice to meet you too, Mrs Tamaki,' I said, returning the bow.

‘Can Penny stay for dinner?' Rin asked her mum.

‘It's okay,' I said. ‘I don't want to intrude. I'll be fine at home.'

‘I'd like to meet this new friend Rin tells me about,' said Mrs Tamaki. ‘Please stay.'

Rin took me into her bedroom. It was covered with posters of anime and manga characters, and soft toys and figurines. She pointed out each one to me, happily explaining what they were from and what their special abilities were.

‘I should lend you some manga,' she said. ‘I think you'll really like it.'

I laughed. ‘I might have to learn Japanese first.'

‘Don't worry,' said Rin. ‘I've got some in English too.'

Those big eyes and teeny mouths kind of creeped me out. But I let her press a few comics into my hand, and listened carefully as she explained how to read them, back to front starting from the last page.

Mrs Tamaki called us back into the living room, and I was introduced to Mr Tamaki, who had just arrived home from work. He was tall, with a kind face and silver hair around his temples. He wore a very nice suit that I thought my dad would approve of.

We sat cross-legged at the table, and Rin poured me a glass of Coke. Mr Tamaki had a beer.

‘
Itadakimasu
,' said Rin and her parents, bowing their heads.

‘We're saying thank you for the food,' Rin explained.

‘Like saying grace?'

‘Sort of. Except we're thanking the chicken for giving us its life, and the farmer for growing the rice and vegetables.'

‘And Fumiko for cooking it,' added Mr Tamaki with a wink.

I liked the sound of that. ‘How do you say it again? Eat a dirty mouse?'

Rin let out a yelp of laughter. ‘
Itadakimasu
.'

‘Eeta-dacky-muss,' I said slowly. Rin and her parents looked pleased.

‘Can you use
hashi
?' asked Mr Tamaki, indicating his chopsticks.

I picked up mine and clicked the ends together to prove it. Mr and Mrs Tamaki seemed impressed.

Dinner was amazing. There was miso soup to start with, then a green bean and spinach dish called
goma-ai
, and something else called
oyako donburi
, which was chicken with egg and mushrooms on rice.

Rin's parents asked me about school, and nodded admiringly when I told them I was a good student, and that I was involved with the SRC and the
Gazette
and Debating and Orchestra. Rin beamed the whole time, clearly delighted to have a friend who her parents approved of.

I asked about Rin's brothers, and Mr and Mrs Tamaki nearly fell over themselves telling me how well their uni studies were going, and which areas of medicine they were planning to specialise in. I wondered if either of the boys had a girlfriend, and remembered what Hamish had told me about people who dated in high school ending up more successful than people who hadn't.