Love Songs (18 page)

Alanna responded to Alex with the fullness of her womanhood. She drew on her intuitive resources to drive him to higher and higher peaks of ecstasy. And he had no intention of leaving her behind. She went with him avidly, her damp body clutched tightly to his. When at last the moment of ultimate delight exploded within and between them it cast its love-glow to enhance the climactic beauty they shared.

Their paired breathlessness slowly receded before Alex attempted to speak. His husky whisper was offered against her brow as he rolled onto his side and drew her against him. “You didn’t lose after all, did you, love?”

There was no need for an answer. Her satisfied smile said it all.

7

No, she certainly hadn’t lost. But what had she won? She had won long moments of shimmering ecstasy, then utter fulfillment. She had won the joy of having satisfied Alex as well, of feeling his body, warm and content, against hers. And she had won another night of deep and uninterrupted sleep. Wrapped in Alex’s arms she felt replete and protected. A sweet serenity filled her through those hours, a sense of peace which held her even when he woke her with a kiss the next morning.

“Rise and shine, love. Time to get up.” His voice tickled her ear with its early morning huskiness. Lazily, she burrowed closer.

“What time is it?”

“Six-fifteen.”

“Six-fifteen?” Her brown eyes widened. “Why so early?”

Alex seemed amused. “We’re going swimming. Remember?”

“Oh, no! That’s right! Alex, what are we going to do about the IAT study? We didn’t settle
anything
last night!”

His drawl was suggestive. “I wouldn’t say that. I seem to recall that you lost a certain bet.…”

“You’re darned right I lost! It just shows you how taken I am with your body!” She grinned, knowing that she was skirting the issue but shooting for the diversion nonetheless. Alex saw right through her.

“Don’t give me that, Alanna. You love me. Say it.”

“What’s in a word?” She shrugged with feigned nonchalance.

“A lot. Now say it. You love me.”

Alanna nestled lower against him, helplessly admiring the soft skin just under his arm. When she touched it with a slim fingertip he squirmed. “You’re ticklish!” she exclaimed, pleased to have found another diversion. But again Alex was determined to have his way.

He shifted lithely to capture her hands in one of his and immobilize her against his body with the other. “I’m very ticklish and even more in love.” His eyes, gray and keen, repeated the demand he’d already made twice this morning. She knew what he wanted to hear, but couldn’t quite say it. It would mean the commitment she had always feared.

“What
is
love?”

His answer was ready. “Love is when you want to do for and give to and put another’s welfare ahead of your own. Love is when your life’s meaning comes to revolve around that other person.”

“And yours has?” She eyed him skeptically.

His grasp loosened, but without granting total release. “I know that you refuse to believe this, but it has. On the surface I have everything most people want—a successful business, an apartment in the city, a home in the country, enough money to satisfy me. In a nutshell, I have every material thing I could want.” She sensed what was coming. “But it’s not enough. There’s that awful emptiness that I’ve lived with for years. Frankly, I’m tired of it.”

“So I’m a stopgap measure?”

“You know you’re not, Alanna.” He raised himself solemnly on one elbow. “And this is no time for joking. I’ve already told you some of the things about you that I love. Well, here’s another. You’ve awakened in me a kind of protectiveness, a need to devote myself totally to one woman. I’ve never felt this way before.”

As his eyes blazed their intensity toward her Alanna felt at war with herself. One side of her wanted to still his confession, to capture the thoughts and emotions he had roused and put them into a more easily controllable dimension. But the other side wanted to hear every word and more; this side hungrily savored his evident devotion. The battle raged within as Alex mused on.

“I’m thirty-nine years old, Alanna. I suppose I’ve been ready for a wife and family for a long time, but it’s never appealed to me until now. I want
you
as my wife. I want
you
as the mother of my children. But mostly I want you with me every day, to share the business, this apartment, that house in the country.”

The gentleness of his hand as it outlined her features was in contrast to the fire in his eyes. “Do you know what I want to do?” She couldn’t tear her gaze away; mutely she shook her head. “I want to bring you breakfast in bed on the weekends and sit here beside you reading the paper. I want to drop you at work in the morning and pick you up at night and spend every possible minute in between making you happy.”

“You’re crazy,” she whispered, but her smile held undeniable affection.

Alex lay down flat once more and pulled her head to his shoulder to continue the dream. “I may be, but it
is
how I feel. I want to buy you things—little extravagances that you’d never buy for yourself—and take you places. I’d like to travel with you to all the exotic spots you’ve never taken the time to visit.”

“I’m not exactly deprived,” she argued feebly.

“I know that! No doubt you could easily afford to take those trips yourself. Why haven’t you? For one thing, you won’t leave that job of yours for long enough because you’re afraid that some ambitious man will steal it from you. For another, though you may not be willing to admit it, it’s no fun to travel alone.”

Alanna couldn’t lie. She’d thought often of travel and had vetoed it for just those reasons. “I admit it,” she conceded softly.

“Then,” he continued more gently, “why won’t you admit that, together, we could have a lovely life.”

“Because I’m just not sure of that yet.”

“Even after last night?”

“Yes. Lovemaking is still a physical act. Love entails more. Don’t you see, Alex?” She raised herself on an elbow to look down at him beseechingly. “I’ve lived my life alone for so long. I’ve been totally independent. I rely on no one. Love has never been a high priority with me.”

His voice was even. “Then you don’t love me?”

“I don’t know.”

In the silence that followed, Alanna acknowledged, for the first time, that she could easily come to love Alex—if she didn’t already do so. As she recognized the vulnerability in his face now her only impulse was to soothe it. Yes, in many respects, if Alex’s definition was apt, she was in love. She did want to give to him, to share with him, to do for him. Yet there was still that other life.…

He sighed deeply, studying her confused expression for a moment longer. Then he smiled, that broad, white-toothed smile that set her heart to beating double-time. “Now we’re getting somewhere. An ‘I don’t know’ is far better than an outright ‘No’!” He threw back the covers and got out of bed, turning to face her with no thought at all to his nudity. “I’ll get to you yet, Alanna. You may think you have it all now, but you’ll be thinking differently soon.
I’ll
show you.”

Alanna half believed him. To her perplexity, she half
wanted
to believe him. He was, in so many ways, not the least of which was the image of bold masculinity he presented to her now, a divine creature. Her gaze luxuriated in his body for a final moment as she lay in bed. Then, without warning, his hands whipped off her covering and curved under her, lifting her from the bed and setting her upright just outside the bathroom. His release was slow; her body slithered sensuously down his in poignant remembrance of the passion they’d shared the previous night. He kissed her deeply, his lips inviting her waiting response.

“We’ll never get
anywhere
at this rate,” he finally growled against her moist lips. “You go in there; I’ll use the other one. We’ll meet in the living room in ten minutes. Can you do it?”

“Anything you can do I can—”

“All right, all right! Just
be
there!”

Such playfulness was a rarity in either of their early-morning experiences. Alanna pondered it with pleasure as she dressed quickly, then joined him for the drive to the pool. An hour later, as they sat down to breakfast, they talked of the IAT study. It was Alex who voiced their shared opinion.

“I think that we ought to let Ellen fill our places with two other people. We seem to have temporarily solved our problem.” His eyes twinkled with a silver light. “That’s two nights in a row … the first time in years for me.”

“Same here.” She couldn’t disagree. “But why? Is it,” she blushed, continuing against her better judgment, “simply a matter of physical exhaustion?”

Alex reached across the table to take her hand in his. Her skin seemed pale against his tan, her fingers that much more fragile. “You know better than that. Even the swimming isn’t so much for the sake of exhaustion as for letting out pent-up frustration. And our lovemaking takes it one step further.”

“To where?” She cornered him, relying on his apparent talent for expression to help her sort out her own jumbled thoughts.

“To the point of satisfying a need. On my part,” he looked closely at her, “it’s a need to love and have the person I love with me. Do you remember I told you about those feelings I used to wake up to?” When she nodded he went on. “They’ve been gone completely these last two nights. When I wake up in the morning I feel filled, not empty.”

Alanna looked away. His self-analysis came too close to describing the feelings she had experienced herself. It bothered her that he felt so much freer about expressing them, yet she couldn’t help herself. As though understanding her dilemma and willing to grant her more time to resolve it, Alex didn’t push for a similar confession. Rather, his talk returned to the immediate matter of Ellen Henderson and her study.

“I’ll call her this morning and explain things. You do agree that we should drop out, don’t you?”

“Yes. For now, at least. She was right; there have been so many new factors introduced since we agreed to participate that it would skew the results anyway. And if we can continue to sleep through the night…”

“Which brings up that other issue.” He paused to offer her a warm sweet roll from the basket that the waiter had just brought. She accepted and began to butter it as he mirrored her actions. Both knew what this other issue entailed; both were somewhat unsure, each in his own way. Again it was Alex who took the lead.

“You know that I want to marry you, Alanna.” He waited for her nod before continuing. “If you agreed we could be married this weekend and then there would be no question about living apart. But you won’t agree … not yet. Which leaves us with three possibilities.”

She put down her roll, suddenly not as hungry as she had been.

“Eat!” Alex’s order startled her.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You need something to carry you through the day, Alanna. Don’t be difficult.”

“I’ve ordered an omelet. It should be here any minute.”

His voice lowered. “I know that, but the rolls are good.”

Alanna sighed in frustration. “Alex, what’s the problem? Why don’t you just get on with what you have to say?”

That was it; she saw it the instant she said it. He was, in his way, as apprehensive as she was about making plans, yet they had to do it. Perhaps she could help him.

Her voice was soft, but loud enough to allow him to catch every word. “You’re right. We have three possibilities. We either live together—without benefit of marriage, see each other on occasion or go our separate ways.”

“Right.” The one word was spoken tensely, all his vulnerability evident.

Alanna thought aloud. “I’d like to rule out the last.”

Alex was quick to challenge her. “Do you admit that you can’t live without me?”

“That’s not the point.” She kept her voice down and lowered her eyes. He might have been right, but she couldn’t even admit it to herself, much less to him. “But if we don’t see each other we’ll never be able to work
any
thing out. And if we don’t see each other we’ll probably both start waking up at night again and therefore ought to stay in the study.…”

“All right,” he conceded quickly, reluctant to let things get more complicated than they already were. “Strike going our separate ways.” His deep breath could as easily have been a sleepy yawn as an expression of relief. “What next?”

Alanna was far from helpless. Systematically she attacked the next possibility. “As far as living together, I doubt that you would stand for that.” Her gaze held faint accusation.

“You’re very perceptive. And do you know why I wouldn’t stand for it?” Without awaiting her guess he went on, lowering his voice only when her eyes flew to the tables surrounding theirs. “Because I think that that would be the easy way out for you and I won’t let you take it. When it gets to the point that you want to spend every free minute of your life with me, that you want to sleep with me
every
night and wake up with me
every
morning, you can damn well confess your love and marry me!”