Love & The Goddess (36 page)

“Kate, you look amazing.” Trevor got up from his chair to put an arm around my shoulder.

My body stiffened as he kissed my cheek. “You look well too,” I muttered and then went over to give my father a hug. “How’s Dad keeping?”

“Sick of going for bloody therapy and the cost of it. I was asking Trevor’s opinion of all this twice-weekly malarkey going to shrinks.”

Oh no, I thought, Trevor would have undoubtedly said my father was fine with just Prozac. I’d kill him.

“I told Jim that therapy is exactly what he needs. As time goes by, he won’t need it so often. Jim, you’ve got the best psychiatrist in the country. Forget about silly taboos
regarding depression and see this as physiotherapy for the mind.”

Who was this enlightened person who resembled my ex-husband? Could an alien have abducted him, and was maybe now inhabiting his body? This from the man who thought all manner of shrinks were
charlatans and would never be caught dead going for counselling? Were his concerns for his daughter making him see things differently?

“Physiotherapy for the mind! Well that’s a good analogy. I like that …” My father smiled, as he got up to leave the room. “I’ll leave you two to catch up,
then.”

My mother arrived with a tray bearing two mugs of tea and a plate of assorted biscuits, which she laid on the coffee table. “Thanks, Mam.” I sat down, conscious of Trevor taking in
my every movement. At least the mug gave me something to play with as I sneaked a look at him, while pretending to decide which biscuit to choose. He was tanned from his holiday and as usual neat
as a new pin with his pepper-and-salt hair coiffed like an Italian’s, pomade ensuring no wave or curl strayed out of place. He was handsome, no doubt, but he looked older and drawn.

He said, “I was sorry to hear about Jim. I wanted to come as soon as I’d heard but I didn’t think it was my place.”

“I appreciate you considering my feelings and keeping healthy boundaries. Mind you, I couldn’t get over what you just said to him about therapy. You, who never agreed with
counselling.”

“People can change, Kate. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently and it’s made me think about things differently.” He threw his hands out, palms turned upwards,
shrugging his shoulders, then paused before linking his fingers and leaning forward in his chair to look closely at me. “So how have you been?”

“Does it really matter to you, how I’ve been? You couldn’t wait to get rid of me.”

“I made a big mistake, Kate. I realise that now. And after having Julie on holidays with me I realised how important family is. The three of us together were great. Julie has suffered
through this.”

“Well, you’ve realised that too late, Trevor.”

“Is it too late, Kate? I’m willing to give it another try if you are.”

You could have knocked the socks off me. I hadn’t seen that one coming. What had happened to him? “What about Martha?”

“She’s gone, Kate. I told her to pack her bags and get out.”

I couldn’t help laughing. “You’re making quite a habit of throwing women out, Trevor!”

“Kate, I’m serious. I love you and I want you back. Can you forgive me and give me a second chance?”

“I don’t know, Trevor. It would be hard to trust again. But tell me … Were you really concerned for Julie or was this all a ruse to get me here and ask me back?”

“God no, Kate, I’m genuinely concerned for her. I feel the best thing for her is for us to be a family together again. Hell, I’ll even go to counselling with you. Give up golf
and help you write your book. I’d just love you to give us another chance.”

There were tears in his eyes as he leaned over to hug me. He clung to me in the way a small child would cling to its mother. Having been without me, he must have finally realised how much I had
filled his life. I’d arrange everything perfectly for him, from laundry to beautiful meals. I’d always facilitated him, no matter where he wanted to go and I’d been affectionate
to him in a way I couldn’t imagine Martha capable of. I felt sorry for him and I knew he really needed me – but he didn’t deserve me. Yet he was right about Julie needing her
family.

Then I thought of Geoff, with whom I’d just shared the best day of my life. If there was such a thing as soul mates, then I was pretty damn sure I’d found mine. Not long ago my life
had seemed lacking in options and now all sorts of choices had to be made. I was well and truly torn.

I
now had two issues which needed addressing: to choose between Trevor and Geoff and to decide between my present job and Billy’s
offer.

Not for the first time I realised what a difference one day can make.

Though I’d become better at meditating and catching my thoughts, I still felt my life was being ripped apart by chaotic outside events. Memories of good times with Trevor came rolling into
my mind as though I were watching one movie reel after another with all but the best of times edited out. A simple naive girl when we’d first met, I’d grown up with him and in lots of
ways we’d been great together.

Trevor and my job in the college represented the tried and tested parts of my life whereas Geoff along with Billy’s job offer represented a walk into the unknown. Geoff was four years
younger than me and I’d only met him three times so I knew it would be silly to throw everything away for him. I knew too that I’d grown to love Galway and I didn’t want to leave
my friends. As well as that, Trevor was asking me to come back to the home I had spent the last twenty-two years putting together – a home that was also Julie’s home.

My most immediate concern, however, was my daughter’s welfare. Trevor left and I persuaded Julie to stay overnight in her grandparents’ home with me. It gave me an opportunity to
observe her eating habits and at the same time inspect the toilet after both lunch and dinner, since she ate as heartily as she’d always eaten.

When I looked, I couldn’t see any signs of regurgitated broccoli or spaghetti bolognese or any other meal she’d eaten, so I came to the conclusion Trevor had exaggerated. The term
“drama queen” is always attributed to women. In my experience men are just, if not more, as capable of creating unnecessary drama, since they are often driven by unconscious fears and
urges. Trevor had regularly been prone to wild exaggerations especially when he had concerns about Julie. If he’d had his way he’d have hired a nanny to accompany her to university. No
wonder I’d been full of angst living with him. He had a knack of exacerbating my already inflated fears to such an extent that my anxiety would run off the Richter scale.

Since Julie was anxious to return to her new flat early Sunday morning, I delivered her there en route back to Galway. Geoff had sent me several texts the day before telling me his thoughts were
with me. I’d promised to call him on Saturday night. But in many ways I didn’t want to talk to him right now – I felt I wouldn’t want to talk to him for quite some time, I
was so confused.

Since meeting Trevor, I’d started to get Catholic flashbacks. And when I examined the feelings coming from the knot in my gut and tight shoulders, I realised I really felt as though I was
cheating on the man I had spent most of my life with. It takes four years to get a divorce in Ireland and at least a year to get a legal separation. I was still well and truly married. And that
awful word “adultery” was sitting before me, floating in a speech bubble from somewhere near my right temple. I’d felt a tinge of it with Ray but I’d reassured myself Trevor
and I were definitely over, and that had assuaged my guilt.

I really thought I’d transcended all this, especially in light of my trip to Brazil and Peru. But whenever I was exhausted, archaic beliefs ingrained in me from childhood by a vicious nun
wielding a sally rod returned to haunt me with images of a cloven-hoofed demon. As James had suggested in Peru, it was not so easy to “unlearn” the old stuff.

Nonetheless, I needed to phone Geoff and early morning was as good a time as ever. I pulled in off the motorway and rang his number. He sounded groggy as though the phone ringing had just woken
him up. The fact that I hadn’t rung the night before contributed to a sense of awkwardness between us, as we exchanged initial pleasantries. Then Geoff asked me about Julie.

“She’s lost weight but I think she’s probably like me and has a fast metabolism,” I said. “She’s been under stress from us splitting up but she’ll be
fine.”

“That’s such a relief.”

“Yes, her father is prone to over-worry where she’s concerned. You know the way with an only child.”

“Will I see you at the weekend then?”

“No, I don’t think so. I have to get ready for going back to school.” I sighed then blurted out, “Geoff, I really like you and I had the best day of my life with you but
I’ve just realised I need more time and space. Right now, I’m confused.”

“It’s because you met your ex, isn’t it, Kate?”

“No … Yes … I don’t know.” I sounded distant even to my own ears.

“Really, Kate, I do understand. The timing’s not right is it?”

“Apparently not.” I choked back the tears, sniffing, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry. I’d better let you go. Goodbye, Kate.”

I arrived back in Galway at noon, in time to meet James for lunch an hour later in a café in Salthill. We’d just finished eating when a text came in from Ella. She was back in
Ireland, but we hadn’t yet found a suitable time to meet up.
“Are you around? Call over. I’d love to see you. Ella x.”

I texted back: “
With James in Salthill & about to order coffee.”

“
Better coffee in my place. Bring James with you. Ella x”

I said to James, “That was Ella. Fancy calling round with me?”

He laughed. “You know me. I never refuse an opportunity to hear the latest girly gossip.”

In the car on the way over, I asked James how he was getting on with Alex. Their relationship had been on and off over the past two years. Sometimes they were close and sometimes, like this
summer, they had taken breaks from each other before re-uniting once more. “You won’t believe it, Kate. Just when everything seemed dandy after me missing him so much in South America,
Alex tells me he wants us to get married and have a child by surrogacy.”

“Are you serious?” I glanced at him briefly as I drove. “That was the last thing I’d expect from him.”

“Deadly serious and you’re right, I didn’t expect it either. I don’t think he has it well thought out but he’s carried away on some fantasy notion of playing with a
kid and teaching him or her drums and guitar. I’ve tried explaining to him that there’s a lot more to rearing kids than dressing them cute, and teaching them stuff. He’s eight
years younger than me though, and he’s not mature even for his age.”

“Maybe it’s just a notion that’ll pass. After all he spends most weekends doing gigs with that band. Does he realise he’d have to give that up? I can’t imagine you
stuck in all weekend playing wifey.” I was laughing but James was not amused.

“It’s not funny, Kate. I love kids but I’m happy to be a doting uncle rather than have my own. I’m annoyed because we discussed it two years ago when we first became a
couple and he told me he’d no interest in kids.”

We had arrived outside Ella’s house, and she greeted us at the door in her customary cheerful manner. “Hi, you two – you’re both looking great after your odyssey. Come
in.” She ushered us both inside. “You have to try my coffee.” She held up a bag with the ‘BlendElla’ brand name. “It’s fabulous if I may say so and you get
to try it before it hits the supermarket shelves!”

“Congratulations, Ella!” James and I chimed simultaneously. It was at times like this that I most envied Ella’s unbridled energy and enthusiasm.

“It’s only the beginning. I’ve lots more ideas from my trip spinning around in here,” she said, tapping her head. Lifting the coffee pot, she poured us a mug each.
“I’m getting gorgeous mugs designed to go with it for initial promotions. Brazil was a good experience for me, I’m telling you.” She wriggled her hips and gave a
self-satisfied wink. I smiled as I considered how incorrigible she could be. When Ella set out to achieve something, she never let anything hold her back. In comparison to her I was positively a
shrinking violet.

James was breathing in the aroma from his mug. “It’s heavenly, Ella. Best of luck with it, darling.”

“It’s fabulous and I’m not even an avid coffee drinker,” I agreed.

“What about you, Kate – tell me all the news? You were too busy to meet us last week and you said you’d tell us everything when we met up?” This was the moment I’d
been dreading but maybe they could provide an outsider’s perspective on my situation. I pulled at my ring finger to twiddle my ring, missing it once again.

Placing my two palms over my eyes, I groaned, “Oh God, I’m totally befuddled. Where do I begin to tell you everything that has happened?” I described my meetings with Geoff,
Billy’s offer and Trevor’s invitation that we get back together.

“I don’t know what your problem is, lovey. The answer’s very simple from where I’m looking at it. You’ve just met Mr Wonderful and you’ve been offered the
dream job. Take them both with open arms and forget about Trevor.” Ella shook her head in disbelief at my indecision. “Wicklow isn’t Timbuktu. We’d always visit
you.”