Lovely (33 page)

Cara takes my hand in hers. “Ash, listen, I know you’re worried and rightfully so, but I want you to try and have some faith … okay?”

“I’ll try,” I tell her, even though I feel completely defeated.

We don’t say much on the drive home. I don’t feel like talking and Cara immediately picks up on that, which I appreciate. She places her hand on mine, stroking her fingers gently over my skin, while I try like hell to calm my nerves about tomorrow.

When we arrive at Cara’s house, I cut the engine and turn to face her, taking her precious face in my hands. “Stay with me tonight, please?” I plead. “I need to feel life, and … you make me feel alive.”

Cara combs through my hair with her fingers. “Of course. Let me just run in and get a couple of things. Is your mom going to be okay with it?”

“Yes, she’ll be fine.”

She gives me a quick kiss. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

By the time we get back home, it’s dinnertime. The house is void of the pleasing smells from Mom’s cooking and the place looks deserted. We get to the kitchen and see her sitting at the table eating a slice of pizza.

“Hey, Mom.”

She puts her pizza down and gets up from the chair. “Hi, sweetie. Hi, Cara. Nice to see you.”

“Hi, Mrs. Taylor.” Cara walks over and throws her arms around Mom. “I’m so sorry about Colt,” she whispers.

Mom pulls back with a lackluster smile. “Thank you, honey.”

“So where are Colt and Delilah?” I ask.

She yawns, her eyes begging for some much needed sleep. “Colt went up to bed when he got home. We have to be at the hospital pretty early tomorrow morning. Delilah’s been in her room since she got home, too. I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I ordered a pizza. Please have some.”

“Mom, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Or course, sweetie.”

I kiss Cara on the cheek. “I’ll be right back.”

I speak quietly when we reach the living room. “Mom, I asked Cara to stay here tonight. She’s going to come to the hospital tomorrow. I hope that’s okay.”

“Of course that’s fine, Ash,” she says, covering her mouth as she yawns again. “We have to be there early, though—7:00 am.” She winks at me. “You might want to set the alarm. I’m going to head upstairs to take a shower and get into bed.” She peeks into the kitchen. “Goodnight, Cara.”

“Goodnight, Mrs. Taylor,” she mumbles through a mouthful of pizza.

I head back to the kitchen and bundle Cara in my arms. “So you feel like having some more gooey pizza?”

A smile reaches her lips. “When you put it that way, I can’t refuse.”

She sits on my lap, taking a few more bites of her pizza while I pick at mine. “You’re not hungry?” she asks.

I stretch the cheese with my fingers. “Nah. I don’t want to eat. My stomach’s bothering me anyway.”

She moves closer to me and rests her head on my shoulder, threading her fingers through mine. We sit in quiet for a few minutes until she gets up and takes my hand. “Come on, let’s go upstairs.”

She leads the way, turning to lock the door once we get inside. I struggle to sit up on the bed, exhaustion finally getting the best of me. Cara kneels on the floor in front of me, removes my shoes and socks and pulls the t-shirt over my head. “Lay back,” she orders as she proceeds to unbutton and pull off my jeans and boxer shorts. She grabs my hand, pulls back the covers and tucks me in. She reaches for the hem of her sundress and slides it off, rids herself of her bra and steps out of her panties. Every time she bares herself to me it’s like I’m seeing her for the first time. She’s simply beautiful.

Cara climbs in next to me, hooks her leg over mine, and lays her head on my chest. I gently sift through her hair with my fingers. I need her so much. I haven’t felt this out of control since Dad died. My hands begin to tremble, beads of sweat breaking out across my forehead.

She reaches out and puts her hand over mine to stop the shaking.

“I’ve always been able to protect him,” I say in a whisper, “but I can’t protect him from this.”

She lifts her head to look into my eyes. “No, but you can be there for him, Ash. He still needs you. He’s in for the biggest fight of his life now, and you’re his champion. That hasn’t changed.”

I have no idea what I ever did to deserve this girl. “God, I fucking love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I wake in the middle of the night, my body entwined around Cara’s. I quietly untangle myself so as not to wake her, slip on my boxers, and tiptoe downstairs for a glass of water. I scrub my hand over my face and try to focus so I can make it down without falling on my ass. Just as I hit the last step I squint and see Colt sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

I sink down on the couch beside him. “Couldn’t sleep either, huh?”

He rubs the back of his head. “Nah. I’ve got another headache.”

I wince when he says it. Of course he does. He’s having brain surgery tomorrow. “Anything I can do for you, bro?”

He leans his head back against the couch. “Just sit with me.” His mouth opens but it takes a second before he speaks. “You know I’m shit with words, but,” he says, his lip quivering, “if by some chance I don’t come out of this I need you to know that you’re the best brother anyone could ever hope to have, and I love you.”

Tears burn my cheeks. I throw my arm over the back of the sofa and move in closer. “Jesus, Colt … I-I feel so many things right now and there’s so much I want to say … I just … You mean everything to me, you know? You’re my baby brother and I love you with everything I have … You have to know that.”

He picks his head up and his eyes are moist with tears. “I know, Ash … I know. God … I-I’m so scared … I’m afraid that I won’t wake up … I’m afraid I’ll wake up a different person … I’m afraid to die …” More tears start falling. “I don’t want to die, Ash.”

I hook my arm over his shoulder and pull him to me. I want to tell him he won’t die, but the devastating truth is, I don’t know what’s going to happen, and that scares the shit out of
me
. So I hold onto my baby brother, soothing him and letting him cry until we finally fall asleep.

Morning comes way too soon. The sun filters in through the faded cream drapes, making me realize it’s almost time. Colt and I dozed off on the couch. I hear footsteps and Mom comes into view. She’s already dressed and her face looks ashen, her eyes weary.

“Hey,” she says, her voice strained from lack of sleep.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Did you both sleep here last night?” she asks with a yawn, straightening up one of the pictures on the wall.

I whisper so I don’t wake Colt. “I couldn’t sleep, and when I came down, he was already here.”

“I’m going to put some coffee on. Do you want something?”

I stand up, stretch my arms and legs, and try to work out the kink in my neck. “No thanks, Mom. I’m going to take a quick shower and wake Cara up. We have to be there at seven, right?”

Mom lets out a sigh. “Yes.”

I stoop down and give her a hug, kissing her cheek before backing away. “It’s gonna be okay, Mom … somehow … it’s gonna be okay.”

She begins to sob, but shakes it off, pulling herself together. “I can’t do this. I … I have to be strong for Colt.” She strides into the kitchen and starts the coffee maker as if this was a regular morning.

I head upstairs and when I enter my room, I stop, somehow amazed to see Cara on my bed. Her curls are fanned out on my pillow, her long, thick lashes covering her cheeks, her lips curled up in a smile. I like having her here.

I tiptoe over to the bed and slide in beside her. Leaning in, I drop a sweet, lingering kiss on her lips. She stirs, but only a little bit, so I place one more there.

Her eyelids flutter open, squinting from the bursts of sunlight entering the room. “Morning,” she says with a smile.

“Morning, baby.”

She rolls her body over in my direction. “Did you manage to get any sleep?”

“Hmph,” I reply. “Not really. A couple hours maybe. I went downstairs at some point during the night and talked with Colt. He was up, too.”

She sits up, taking my face in her hands, studying my eyes with concern. “How is he?”

I let out a shaky breath. “Scared.”

Scooting over to me, she slides her hand behind my neck and rests her forehead against mine. “I know … and I know you’re scared, too.”

“I’m terrified, Cara.” As scared as I am, I feel so blessed to have Cara. She’s the one person who I can be honest with, who I can share my thoughts with, who I can be me with … and everything else just melts away.

She surrounds me with not only her arms, but her strength and her love. That’s the only thing that’s holding me together right now and I don’t want her to ever let go.

The silence on the way to the hospital is deafening. Colt’s in front with Mom. Delilah’s in back with Cara and me. We’re huddled close together. I’m holding onto Delilah and Cara’s holding onto me.

We’re stopped at a traffic light when Colt breaks the silence. “Someone tell a fucking joke; I can’t take it anymore.”

Mom glares at Colt, horrified. “Colt Jonathan Taylor!”

“Mom, if I’m going out, I might as well go out with a bang,” Colt pipes back.

The sound of laughter fills the car. Something we desperately needed.

Once at the hospital, Mom finds a spot in the visitor parking lot and we head to Admitting. Cara puts her arm around my waist and it’s a good thing, because as soon as the sliding glass doors open and that stale smell overwhelms my senses, my knees practically give out on me. I feel Cara’s arm tighten and I try to force down the wave of nausea that threatens to swallow me whole.

We find seats in the waiting room, where Colt begins the massive pile of paperwork he has to fill out prior to his procedure.

The hospital’s fairly quiet this early in the morning. Mom, Colt, and Delilah sit down in one row of chairs and Cara and I sit across from them. I look up and see Colt pause with the pen in his hand and grab his head. He’s falling down a dark hole, reaching for someone to pull him out and all I can do is watch. His life will soon be in the hands of what I hope … no, I pray, are skilled surgeons.

Delilah’s face grows pale and Mom’s anxious hand takes the pen from Colt and fills out the rest of the paperwork. When she’s done, we make our way up to the Oncology floor. Thankfully, we’re greeted by a friendly face behind the nurse’s desk—Nadine.

Cara gives her sister a smile and introduces us. “Nadine, this is Delilah, Colt’s sister, his mom, Mrs. Taylor, and of course you already know Colt and Ash.”

Both of them give Nadine a weak smile.

Nadine says hello to everyone and turns to address Colt. “Colt, why don’t you come with me? We’re going to get you settled in a room and then the doctors will come in and speak with you prior to prepping for surgery. Mrs. Taylor, you can come on down with him if you like.”

Colt waves, expressionless, and walks off with Mom and Nadine down the hall. My muscles tense and panic rises up in my throat at the thought of not seeing him again, until one of the nurses glances over at us. “As soon as you’re allowed in the room, Nadine will come out and get you.”

I breathe a rather loud sigh of relief.