Lover's Roulette (12 page)

She was snoring loudly like she did every night. Rounds of coughs would make me up in the middle of the night. I was always hoping she would choke to death and die. Sadly, that never happened. I opened the door and crept inside. I stood there for a moment and waited for her to move but she never did.

I crept across the bedroom until I reached her private bathroom. I slipped inside then shut the door behind me. Too scared to turn on the light, I opened the drawers and rummaged through the contents. I knew she kept bottles of tablets in her bathroom and her nightstand, always there when she had a hangover.

After I felt through the top drawer with my hand, I felt the bottle and
heard the sound of the pills roll around inside. Careful not to make them shake and collide against the plastic walls, I picked it up and tried to open the child safety cap. I turned the top until I felt the two arrows meet each other, allowing me to pop the lid. When I pressed my thumb underneath it, it wouldn’t open. I increased the pressure until I felt my nail bend. Suddenly, the top shot off and landed on the floor. Startled by the noise, I dropped the whole bottle on the floor.

The pills fell everywhere, making a loud crash liking falling rain. The plastic bottle echoed as it bounced on the tile, rolling across the floor until it hit the wall. I felt my heart accelerate in my chest, knowing there wasn’t an
y possibility that she didn’t hear that. It was so loud I was sure Ryan heard it.

“Who
’s there?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and mentally prepared
myself for the ordeal about to ensue. She was awake and heading this way. I stepped out of sight of the door and waited because there was nowhere for me to hide. I could lock the door and hide in here, but she would just break it down with a bat. I would rather her come after me without a weapon.

The door
opened and she stumbled inside. She wore the leopard print pajamas that were covered in cigarette stains. Her eyes were still drooping, still in the haze from sleep.

Her eyes widened when she recognized me. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I—I had a headache and needed some aspirin.” My voice was shaky and frightened. I couldn’t hide my fear. I was cornered in the bathroom, with tons of sharp edges and solid furniture around me.

“So you come into my bathroom? Don’t lie to me, bitch.”

“I’m not.”

She slapped me hard across the face. “What were you really doing? Stealing money, weren’t you?”

My eyes welled with tears, but not from pain. I wished that my father hadn’t died. Everything was so difficult without him. I didn’t deserve to be treated this way but there was nothing I could do. “No.”

She hit me again. “You took money from my purse and now you’re doing it again.”

“No, I didn’t.” She used the money on cigarettes but she was so drunk that she didn’t remember. She assumed I took it no matter how many times I told her the truth. She never accused Ryan, just me. I wasn’t sure why she liked him more than me, even if it was only slightly.

“Stop lying!”

“I’m not.”

“Where did you put it?”

“I don’t have anything.” I pulled out my pockets to prove I didn’t steal anything. “And there’s no money in here. That doesn’t even make any sense.”

“Are you calling me stupid?”

“No.”

“It sounded like it.”

“No, of course not.”

She walked over to the ashtray on the si
nk, there was one in every room, and grabbed a fresh cigarette and lit it. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Scarlet. You have some serious issues.”

I thought the comment was ironic. She was so delusional, so stupid, she couldn’t observe herself objectively. Anytime I tried to tell her
, it just exploded in my face. She was so unreasonable and ignorant. When I realized it was hopeless so many years ago, I just gave up, humoring her so I wouldn’t get a broken jaw.

She stared at me as she blew the smoke from her lips. It was still dark in the bathroom, but the light from her cigarette gave a slight glow. The smoke was overwhelming in the sma
ll space, but I stopped myself from coughing, knowing I would be slapped for it.

“I’m sorry,” I said, unsure what to do. “I just had a headache and wanted something for it.
”

“Or you were going to sell it on the street,” she said matter-of-factly.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

That was the dumbest thing I ever heard. She said so much stupid shit I couldn’t keep track anymore. “No,” I said nicely. “I’m sorry. I’ll just go to bed.” I turned toward the door.

“Did I say you could leave?”

I stopped, afraid of what was coming next.

“I said I was sorry.”

“And that makes it okay? You try to steal from me in my own home and that behavior is okay? You keep up this behavior and you won’t get your college tuition.”

I hated when she held that over my head. It was the only thing I was living for at this point. I needed that money to start a better life so I could away from
this place. It was the only thing I had. “I’m sorry, Mom.” I would tell her anything she wanted to hear if she just let me go.

She stepped closer to me, taking a drag of her cigarette.

I stepped back involuntarily, my back pushed against the wall.

She was directly in front of me, staring me down.
“You’re a worthless daughter, you know that?”

“Yes,” I said automatically.

“I never understood your father’s fascination with you. You’re just a stupid bitch, as far as I can see.”

I said nothing, not knowing what to say. As much as I hated to admit it, the verbal abuse still bothered me. It made my eyes teary. It wasn’t because her opinion and words mattered, but because I didn’t deserve to be talked to that way. I loved being at school because the teachers were so nice to me, telling me I was smart and gifted. Here, I was treated like I was lower than dirt.

She grabbed my shirt and yanked it down, making me bend over.

I had no idea what she was doing. I felt my shirt fall down my shoulder, stretching the neck. When I felt the burn of the cigarette, I started screaming.

“I need to teach you a lesson,” she said as she held me in place.

The burn drilled into my skin, sending blood down my arm. I screamed as the ash pressed deep into my muscle. It was the most pain I had ever endured. It was like getti
ng a third degree burn inside my body. I screamed, tears running down my face.

My mother continued to hold it against my skin. “This is for your own good.”

“Stop,” I begged. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Shut up, bitch.”

When the cigarette finally died out, she grabbed another one and lit it.

I ran to the door to make my escape, but she pushed me back, making me hit the wall. She grabbed my neck then drilled the cigarette into the exact same spot, making me scream with insanity. When I looked into her face, I didn’t see any remorse, love, care, or anything that resembled a compassionate human. She enjoyed hurting me. I could see it in her eyes.

The door burst open and Ryan came in. He saw what our mom was doing and pushed her back, ending the connection of ash to my flesh. I gripped my shoulder and bent over, holding myself. I wanted ice, I needed ice.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing!” my mom said.

Ryan grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet.

My mom started slapping him as hard as she could, hitting him in the face, the shoulders, and the chest.  “How dare you!”

Ryan ignored the hits and pushed me through the door, blocking me with his body. He yanked me fast then threw me into the bathroom, shutting the door behind both of us. He locked it then stood in front of it.

I leaned against the wall and grabbed the toilet paper from the stand, pushing it into the scorching wound. Tears fell down my eyes as I held myself.

My mom came to the door then tried the knob. She slammed her fists into the door, cursing at us, but Ryan pressed his large body against it, making sure the wood wouldn’t break. After a few minutes, she abandoned her attempt and went back into her room.

Ryan stared at me for a long time before he grabbed the rubbing alcohol and attended to me just like the way I attended to him. I cried while he dabbed the alcohol into the open wound. The blood still seeped out. After the bandage was applied, he wrapped his arm around me and held me close, letting me let out my soul-wrecked sobs. They echoed in the bathroom and amplified in my ears. Without Ryan I would have killed myself a long time ago. He was the only light in my life.

“Ryan, why don’t you just move out? You are out of school and you have a job. You don’t need to stay here anymore.”

“I won’t leave you.”

“Why don’t we both leave?” I wiped my tears away.

“Because you’re still a minor. It would be impossible to get you emancipated with mom’s money and connections. Besides, it would take so long that you would be out of high school
by then anyway.”

“Well, you should still go.”

“I’m not leaving you,” he repeated. “The day you leave for college is the last day I’ll ever see her.”

I felt more tears fall. He had no idea how much that meant to be. I couldn’t survive if I was alone in this. It was too painful, too scary to endure on my own. “I love you so much,” I whispered.

“I love you too, Scar.”

“Thank you for taking care of me. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You’ll never have to worry about that. Now get some sleep. I’ll watch the door.”

I hugged him tightly, treasuring him. “You’re the best brother anyone could ever ask for.”

“I thought I was an annoying asshole?” he said with a smile.

“No, you’re the most amazing man in the world.”

His smile dropped. “We’ll get through this, Scar. One day, this will just be a distant memory. And one day, you’ll forget what it’s like to even feel this way. And then one day, you’ll forget about it entirely.”

“You think?”

“I know.”

The passage ended and I realized tears were dripping from my eyes. They streamed down my face and fell on the keyboard. This was just one instance in time, and I could tell there were many more. This wasn’t even the worst of it. I placed the laptop to my side and took a moment to control my emotions. Scarlet was turned the other way, unable to see my face. I didn’t want her to know how much this hurt me. It broke me.

I wanted her mother to die. I really did. I don’t know what I would do if I ever had the dishonor to meet her. I’m glad I took her money and returned it to the rightful owner. I wiped the tears away and took a deep breath.

I turned to Scarlet then lowered the blankets until I could see her right shoulder. There was a faint scar in the skin. It was circular, small enough to be the tip of a cigarette. It was paler than the rest of her skin, the sign of scar tissue. The sight hurt me more than the story did. I pressed my lips against the scar and kissed it, trying to nullify the trauma she had there. I was surprised I never noticed it until now, but then again, I never stared at her shoulder. My eyes were usually glued to other parts of her body.

Now I felt like an even bigger asshole for the way I treated her in the past. Scarlet never had the stability or love she needed. Ryan was the only substitute she had for that, but that wasn’t enough. She needed more.

I pressed my lips to her ear. “Babe, I love you.”

She sniffed. “I love you too.”

The sound of her tears made my return. I gently turned her over to face me.

She was resistant at first, but then she met my gaze. I could tell the sight of my pain was hurtful to her. Her eyes softened and her thin lips pressed together. We were suffering through the same pain together. That’s how it should be. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever say that,” I said quickly. I kissed her tears away then climbed on top of her, pinning her down. I held her closer to me and pressed my forehead against hers. I knew she liked it when I was on top of her like this.

“Do you still—love me?”

“I love you more, Scarlet.”

“Really?”

I kissed her again. “Forever.”

“I’m sorry that I hurt you.” She turned her head and looked away.

I grabbed her chin and redirected her gaze onto mine. “Scar, I want you to know that you never have to feel scared again. I’ll never let anything like that happen to you. You’re safe with me. I’m an unbreakable concrete wall. That bitch will never bother you again.”

“Okay,” she whispered.

“I’m your family now. I’m your mother, your father, your everything. You don’t need anything else.”

“I know.”

“Now it’s time for you to let it go. I know it’s hard, but you need to forget about it and move on. This is a new chapter in your life, I’m the new chapter. Our life will be beautiful, happy, and amazing. The past is the past. Leave it there.”