Love's Miracles (22 page)

Underlying
Zane’s behavior were pools of emotions. Some of them related to his problems,
but some were connected to her. They pulled on her in ways that weren’t
entirely professional. They were feelings that were strong enough to crumble
her own walls of reserve. She found herself as exposed and vulnerable as Zane.

Fred
spoke again, interrupting her thoughts. “Has he had more outbursts like that
day with Vinnie? Maybe I should come up with you from now on.”

“Yes.
Do come.” She could tell by the widening of Fred’s eyes that she responded too
quickly. “He needs your expertise.”

Fred
didn’t buy that and it was too late to retract the statement.

“Just
how bad off is this guy?”

“Not
bad at all,” she assured him. “In fact, from all outward appearances I’d say he
was normal. Maybe some delayed stress, but nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Then
why the continued treatment?”

“Instinct.
I sense there’re buried problems. Deep-seated denial.”

Fred
stared until she became uncomfortable with the scrutiny. Finally he reached
across the charged space between them and laid his hand on her shoulder. “You
aren’t getting emotionally involved, are you?”

Margo
glanced away, hating to admit to herself, let alone to Fred, that she’d crossed
those boundaries.

Fred’s
grip tightened. “Do you realize what’s at risk? Your career? Your professional
reputation?”

She
met his stare and saw the anger and hurt. It added to her own confusion. “I
need you up there, Fred.”

Fed’s
curse became lost in the heavily misted air as he dropped his hold and swung
away. “Do you know what you’re asking me to do? I care about you, Margo.” He
raked his fingers through his hair. “I’m not going to take him for a patient. I
might want to strangle his throat.”

“Fred,”
she whispered, unable to offer him the words he wanted or needed. “I can’t
continue…”

Fred
faced her, anger glittering in his eyes. “Then get someone else. If he has any
interest in you, I wouldn’t want to be hearing about it.”

That
hurt Margo. She had always kept her reputation scrupulously clean. Sure, she’d
operated out of orthodox bounds, but she’s always kept her patients’ interests
aboveboard. Zane was presenting more problems than just the tug on emotions.

“I’ve
already written the letter, Fred. He’s no longer my patient.”

“At
least you’re managing to show some sense.”

“Give
me a break. I don’t need any harassment from you. You’re supposed to be my
friend.”

Remorse
flickered across his face. “Why do you think I’m so upset?”

True
concern sounded in his voice. Margo felt a twinge of guilt because she knew he
wanted more than friendship, but she couldn’t offer false hope. It was time to
change the subject, so she brightened her expression and smiled. “Enough
discussion of work. I thought you brought me here to relax. Let’s go explore
and dream up our plans for the retreat.”

Fred
shook his head, but he took the hand she offered and followed her up the path.

“This
is an ideal location,” he conceded. “There’s a freeway from the Bay Area to
Santa Cruz and then it’s only a short drive up to here.”

“We
can use those cottages to house our married patients who come with their
families. And we’ll use that barn to build an auditorium. Can’t you just
picture it? Concerts. Stage plays. It’ll be a healthy release for our
patients.”

“You
never allow any doubts to creep in, do you?”

“You
do enough of that for both of us,” she teased. “Besides, after seeing how Zane
has used the peace and serenity of the forest to soothe his rough edges, I know
this is going to be right.”

The
mention of Zane brought another silence. She studied the drawn look on his face
and saw the touch of jealousy. Margo sighed. There were no assurances she could
give Fred, but she could put thoughts of Zane aside and focus on their dream
for a country retreat. The old resort was perfect. Plans should be filling her head,
not haunting memories of a lonely man’s embrace.

***

In
spite of her resolve to extricate herself from the case, Saturday morning found
her driving across the track to Zane’s place. The rented Jeep didn’t have all
the options Vinnie’s had and was more difficult to maneuver.

Margo
approached the clearing with mixed feelings. Officially she’d terminated
business with the Zanellis, but she felt it was her responsibility to tell Zane
in person. After all, she’d promised to return. In her bag was a list of reliable
colleagues and their addresses. She’d make one last attempt to convince Zane
that he needed therapy.

The
trip had nothing to do with her personal interest in Zane. She was not coming
to see him as a friend – at least that’s what she repeated over and over in her
mind.

Zane
stood on the porch and watched her approach. Even at this distance she could
feel his questioning stare as she got out of the Jeep.

“Something
happen to the Bronco?” he asked.

Margo
paused at the foot of the stairs, surprised at how difficult this was going to
be. She shook her head. “The Bronco’s fine. I rented the Jeep because I wrote
your brother a letter last week. Officially I’m not working for him – or you.”

For
long seconds he didn’t speak but stared. Margo waited, using the time to
formulate all the reasons for her decision.

To
her surprise he didn’t question it but asked, “Does that mean you’re going to
turn around and leave?”

She
knew she should say “yes” but instead she said, “I’m here. I can answer
questions in case you want to plan where to go from here.”

Zane’s
welcoming smile blew her own doubts away. “Come on up then. I made plans for
today.”

Instinct
told her to refuse. Logic insisted she turn around and get into the Jeep, but
today her heart ruled. She could talk to the man and give one last shot at
convincing him he needed therapy.

Proudly
she showed off her brand-new hiking boots she’d bought before she’d decided to
drop the case. “I feel like Smokey the Bear.” They were lightweight but still
awkward as she clumped up the steps to the deck and stood before him. Olive-dun
pants hung loose on her hips. A blood red shirt with olive slashes in it looked
like it was ten sizes too big. “These will give me protection and be cool at
the same time.”

A
grin twitched on Zane’s mouth. She noticed he’d shaved again. The fact he’d
gone to the trouble pleased her. It shouldn’t have, but it did.

“You
don’t look like any bear I’ve ever seen,” he told her.

“I’m
prepared. Isn’t that what Smokey’s always telling us?”

The
way his glance raked over her figure left her breathless. So much for her
attempt to appear non-feminine. His rich chuckle sounded around them. It sent a
warm feeling into her heart.

“Looks
like we’ll have to break in those boots and take another hike.”

“I’m
game. But no more cliffs if you don’t mind.”

Regret
showed in his expression. “I wouldn’t knowingly take you anywhere that would
cause you harm.”

“I
know,” she murmured, touched by his concern. “You had no idea how I’d react.
I’m sorry, by the way. I don’t usually let sights like that bother me.”

He
reached across the space that separated them and traced her cheek with a
work-roughened finger. “Don’t say you’re sorry. If you apologize then I might
have to.” His smile reached his eyes. “And I have no regrets about what
I
did.”

Margo’s
breath caught in her throat, trapped by the heat rising within her. So much for
her professional composure, her cool façade. She stepped around him and headed
for the open glass door.

“No
juice today? It’s already more than eighty degrees.”

“It’s
here.” He hefted his day pack. “Ready and waiting for your arrival.”

Margo
quirked her brow. “Looks like my intuition was correct. You do have another
hike planned.” Or had he figured to stay active and thereby safe from too much
personal interaction? Sitting on the deck like they had been was too intimate.

“I’ve
a surprise to show you.” He gestured toward the forest. “It’s not far. An easy
walk. Follow me.”

“Lead
onward,” she commented as she climbed down the steps and took up her position
several paces behind him. The new boots were bulky, but she had to admit her
feet felt comfortable.

Zane
led her in the opposite direction from where they’d gone before. They crossed
the meadow and were soon swallowed up by the cool shadows. Tall trees, thousands
of years old, stood like silent sentries. Shafts of sunlight filtered through
the canopy of needles to light the fern-filled path. The thick carpet of
needles smelled musty.

“It’s
so quiet in here,” Margo whispered. “It reminds me of a cathedral.”

“It
gives you the same sense of peace.”

They
came to a grove, similar to the one they’d been in before. He helped her to
settle in the clover-like oxalis.

“Sit
very still and watch what happens.”

Zane
spread pieces of bread and scraps of meat on a low platform. “Vinnie and I
built this years ago,” he told her as he sat down next to her. They didn’t have
long to wait for the show. In minutes, animals began to appear.

“See
the squirrels? They know the routine. They want to get their share before the
bigger animals arrive.”

Chipmunks
scurried onto the platform and bright blue Steller’s jays flew in from nearby
limbs. They chattered and squawked when the raccoons showed up and chased them
away. They were two black balls of salt and pepper fur, scrambling and snarling
for their share of the food.

Margo
scooted onto her knees to get a better view. “They’re darling.”

“They
look cute, but they’re mean.”

She
turned and caught him staring not at the animals but at her. She didn’t move,
but her voice grew husky. “Do they always do this?”

“When
there’s food.” His own voice rasped a bit. “Or a female.”

She
looked away to focus her gaze back on the animals. Awareness sent a slight
flush annoyingly up her neck, but she tilted her chin so he wouldn’t see it.

Just
then the raccoons stopped scuffling and turned to watch Zane. They stood up on
their hind legs, a look of expectation on their masked faces. “The food’s gone,
but they’re hoping there’ll be more. That’s why I bring it here in the grove.
If I fed them near the house they’d become a real pain in the…” He paused and
grinned. “Real pests,” he amended.

Delighted,
Margo rocked back on her heels and laughed. “This is like
Bambi
.”

“Hasn’t
anyone taken you to the woods before to see the wild animals? There are parks
in the city. Big Basin and Mt. Tamalpais.”

Her
smile turned wistful. “
Maman
used to take me to Tilden Park and we’d
feed the ducks.”

“I
bet you were a beautiful child,” he murmured.

“She
thought so. But then you know how mothers are. They think everything you do is
great.” Uncomfortable with the personal trend, Margo decided to turn the tables
on him. “What about your mother, Zane? Why don’t you ever see her now?”

Margo
watched his expression flicker. “She wouldn’t want to see me,” he said with
conviction.

“What
makes you say that?” Margo knew it wasn’t true. “I can’t believe a mother
wouldn’t want to see her oldest son, especially someone like you.”

“Someone
like me.” He cocked his brow. “What would you really know about someone like
me?”

She
glanced at the serenity of their surroundings and at the platform now bare of
food and wildlife. “You’re a gentle and tender man. Any mother would love a son
like that.”

He
scoffed. “You make me sound like a pansy.”

“It
takes a strong man to be sensitive.”

“Strong
men can be cruel.”

“Like
in the war?”

His
fists clenched and she could see his inner struggle, but she persisted. “You
can’t count war, Zane. People do what they have to, to survive.”

“Don’t
tell me about war and survival. Sometimes you’re better off when you don’t
survive.”

“When
did you feel that way?”

“I
flew in a transport helicopter. It crashed in enemy territory and…”

“Were
you injured?” Margo held her breath.

“No.”
He shook his head and raised his chin defiantly. He braced his shoulders,
daring her to question further.

“What
happened?”

He
hesitated for endless moments and then suddenly he looked into her eyes. “I hid
in the jungle until a reconnaissance patrol found me and got me out.”

Intuition
told her he was leaving something out, that he was holding back on her. She
persisted. “Is that where you wanted to die?”