Loving Jack (7 page)

Jack wept and cursed the universe for taking his father too soon. He clutched her to his chest and prayed aloud. He told his father all of the things he wished he would have said when he was here to listen. It was in this diatribe that Grace learned more about the tension between Jack and his father. She knew from their conversation that night in the diner that Jack’s father didn’t approve of Jack’s chosen profession. His father was a military man and he’d hoped his sons would follow in his footsteps. Jack’s older brother had but Jack knew the life of an officer and a gentleman wasn’t for him. As Jack verbalized the sadness in his heart Grace realized that Jack’s sexual orientation was also an issue for his dad. Jack was expressing regret for having been such a disappointment to his father.
 

“Jack, honey, don’t do that to yourself. Your father may not have understood your choices but that doesn’t make them wrong. We all fear what we don’t understand. From all you’ve told me I know your dad loved you very much. He was doing what dads do. He was trying to keep you from making what might have been a mistake in his eyes. That doesn’t mean he didn’t love you anymore. It shows just how deep his love for you ran. He didn’t turn his back on you, did he?” she asked. Jack shook his head. “You see? We don’t give up on what means the most to us, do we? No, we fight harder. His attempts to protect you may have been misguided but they were from a place of love, if not acceptance. I can’t believe he would want you to feel shame for being happy just because it didn’t make him happy,” she told him quietly.

Jack lifted his head to look into her eyes warily. “You gave up on me.”

Grace was a bit stunned by this shift in gears but she would face his accusation. If what he needed now was reassurance, she would give it to him, even if it bared more of her feelings than she was prepared to share.
 

“Jack, I didn’t give up on you. Staying away from you had nothing to do with you being bi-sexual. This is my issue, not yours. I’m protecting myself. I fell for you hard and fast.” Jack’s mouth dropped open. Grace felt her cheeks go up in flames. She moved off of the bed. He wordlessly watched her pace the floor.

“I will admit that being with a man who is attracted to both men and woman is a bit daunting. When I saw you with the blond woman on the dance floor I was hurt and jealous.” She sat on Jessie’s bed and leaned her elbows on her knees, staring at the linoleum floor. This was hard to say aloud, especially to Jack. “But when I saw you with Victor I was crushed. I can’t compete with him. I can’t give you all that you need. Victor can. That hurts. I can’t really say what would have happened if you’d let him know I was there in the shadows. I was trying to convince myself that maybe I could get used to sharing you, that’s how badly I wanted a chance to try. Then I saw you together, kissing.” She swallowed hard.

“Did that make you sick?” Jack asked in flat tune. She looked at him then, needing him to see the truth in her words.

“No, it didn’t. It broke my heart. Trying to convincing myself that maybe I could deal with you dating other people was a joke after I saw the two of you together, Jack. I no longer had to imagine what you’d be doing with other people when we were apart; I had a very clear memory of it. I wasn’t sickened, I was devastated. I knew I couldn’t hold onto you. I just don’t have everything you need. And I can’t stand by while you get it.”

Jack sat up on her bed and they just sat there watching each other. She had to turn this conversation before she started crying again.

“Have funeral arrangements been made yet?” she asked. That brought Jack quickly back to the here and now. He nodded.

“My mom and brother went to the . . .” Jack choked on the words, his voice cracking as he continued, “funeral home this morning.” He took a moment to gather himself. Grace was going over her class schedule for the rest of the week in her mind. Once she turned in the paper she was working on she’d be clear to take a few days off. She would make up the work. Being there for Jack was worth the effort. Grace’s inner turmoil over Jack faded away. He’d come to her for comfort in his time of need and she would be the friend he needed her to be.

“It’s a three day ordeal that begins with viewings tomorrow afternoon. I’m flying home tonight.” He looked at his watch. “Actually, I need to go. I was on my way to the airport. Somehow my car just kind of ended up here instead.”

Grace crossed the distance between them and knelt before Jack. She hugged him hard and kissed his cheek. Jack accepted the affection gratefully and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“I’ll always be here if you need me.” Grace was a little surprised at how true the words felt in her heart and mind. She really would be there if Jack ever needed her.

“I’m going to make arrangements and follow you the day after tomorrow,” she told him. Jack stiffened in her arms. She pulled back to look into his solemn face. He looked uncomfortable. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. It’s just that I don’t want you to go to any trouble. I mean, this is going to suck. You don’t need to miss school and fly across the country just to watch me weep,” he explained without looking at her. Was he embarrassed by his sorrow? She understood not wanting to disrupt another person’s life if they were just friends. But there was far more than just friendship between them. Her heart had longed for him since the night they met. Being there for him wasn’t just an option; it was a requirement of that aching organ in her chest.

“I don’t mind. I want to be with you even if you're weeping, tough guy.” She kissed the corner of his mouth. Jack looked into her eyes then. He looked torn. “You just lost your dad. I think crying is required.”

“I’ve had a lot of issues at home related to my sexuality.” He gritted his teeth. “This is going to be a very tense time. I honestly don’t want any witnesses if things get fired up again. I think it would be best if I went alone. I’ll have my mom to take care of and my brother will be with me. Really, Grace, I’ll be fine.” Jack’s cheeks had flushed as he explained his reasons for going it alone. He was really concerned about exposing her to any negativity. Grace didn’t agree with him. She just nodded her head. She understood Jack’s anxiety, but she would be there on the day of his father’s funeral. She wasn’t afraid of a little family drama. If anything he would need her even more if his fears came to fruition.

****

Grace had made a huge mistake. When Jack told her he didn’t need her support she should have listened, but of course she thought she knew better. Even Luke had tried to gently convince her that there might be another reason for Jack asking her not to go, but he’d grudgingly driven her to the airport when she asked. Luke didn’t like Jack one bit after the way he abandoned her at the ski lodge.
 

If Jack had given her the real reason for his insistence that she not attend his father’s funeral Grace would have accepted it. It would have hurt her, but she would have obeyed Jack’s wishes. In some ways Grace thought maybe it was better that she see the truth with her own eyes. It was far more hurtful than simply hearing the words would have been.
 

Jack had lied to her. He’d looked her in the eye and lied about his reasons for wanting her to stay at school. It had nothing to do with worry about her missing classes or the possibility of a confrontation. Jack hadn’t wanted Grace to come because he already had all the support he needed in the form of his boyfriend Victor.
 

She’d flown across the country from Maryland to Washington State to be there for her man, even though he wasn’t her man at all. He was Victor’s man. And Victor had an arm wrapped firmly around Jack’s shoulders with no fear of reprisal from any of Jack’s relatives.
 

Grace was standing in a sea of black umbrellas. It looked like the entire county had come to witness the laying to rest of Everett Landry, Sr., a man who was widely known and beloved in this seaside community. Grace kept her head down and prayed Jack wouldn’t see her. She would slip away as soon as the service concluded, check out of the inn she’d just checked into and get her ass back to Sea-Tac and on the first flight back to BWI.
 

Tears burned the back of her eyes and Grace let them flow. Heartbreak was a completely acceptable emotion at a time like this. Especially as the American flag was folded and respectfully presented to Jack’s older brother, Everett Jr. Jack’s mother sobbed openly. Jack left Victor’s embrace to comfort his mother. Victor rubbed circles over the back of Jack’s black suit jacket. Jack and the people who mattered most to him were all in the front under the shelter that had been erected at the grave site. Grace was off to the side and several rows removed from that group of mourners, just as it should be. Grace was an interloper here among Jack’s true friends and family.

When the service ended the preacher invited the congregation to gather in the banquet room at The Inn on Main Street for a wake to celebrate the life of the dearly departed. Grace felt what little color she might have retained slip from her face. Unless there were multiple inns with that name in town, and given her luck she seriously doubted it, Grace was staying at that same hotel.
 

People began to drift back to take their place in the long line of cars that had made up the funeral procession. Her car was all the way in the back. She hadn’t followed the procession from the funeral home. When her flight landed she’d only had time to check-in at the inn and get changed into her demure black dress before she drove to the cemetery. Grace moved with the crowd making an effort to not turn around and look for Jack. As embarrassed as she was by her idiotic refusal to see the writing on the wall, she was still deeply concerned for Jack right now. She knew now that he didn’t need her there, but the overwhelming urge to love and shelter Jack was still alive and well inside of her. She wanted to look back to reassure herself that he was still holding up, but she wouldn’t do it. She couldn’t. If she looked back Grace knew she would see Jack and Victor together. The fragile shell of her composure was already cracked and barely holding itself together. One more hit would be one too many.

Grace unlocked her rental car and quickly slid behind the wheel. Her feet were soaked from the trudge across the rain soaked grass. Her umbrella was draining onto the floorboard and cold rain continued to fall on the windshield. The wipers made that familiar swishing sound and she tried to focus on that instead of the tearful people retreating from the grave site. She shivered as she waited patiently for the cars boxing her in to move down the winding road through the cemetery toward the exit. By the time she was passing the limo, Jack and his family was just climbing inside. She kept her face averted and tried to stay strong. She would not look directly at him.
 

Grace parked at a meter just a bit down the road and across the street from The Inn on Main Street. She idled there with the heat warming her hands and feet while people streamed into the banquet hall for Mr. Landry’s wake. She waited until the limo arrived and Jack’s family disappeared into the building before she shut off the engine and anxiously crossed the street. She didn’t want to be caught by Jack in the lobby if they entered at the same time.
 

Once inside, Grace made a beeline for the elevator. It was on the opposite side of the lobby from the banquet hall entrance. She hit the button for the third floor and listened to the sound of soft instrumental music and murmured voices that filtered out from the wake as she waited with a knot in her stomach. The elevator was taking forever so she went to look for the stairs. The longer she stood in the lobby the better the chance Jack would find her there. As far as Grace was concerned, she’d never been there and she would never tell Jack about her whirlwind trip across the country to his hometown and back in the same day. Grace was already mentally and physically exhausted but she could sleep during the five and half hour flight that would take her home, if her mind would stop spinning, that is.

Grace saw the sign for the stairs and relief loosened the coil in her gut. The door adjacent to the stairwell opened and she nearly turned and ran the other way. Grace found herself face to face with Victor of the soulful eyes and warm skin. She wasn’t sure if Victor was Hispanic or possibly American Indian. What she did know was that he was an incredibly handsome, perfectly formed man.
 

Victor was leaving the restroom when he saw her. Grace’s steps stuttered but she kept moving past the handsome man with long lashes and dark eyes that seemed to see too much. Victor didn’t know her and she was happy to keep it that way. Pretending to be just another guest at the inn, Grace turned her gaze back to her goal and kept moving.

She was glad she hadn’t had time to unpack anything but her funeral dress. It only took about fifteen minutes for Grace to gather up her things, stuff them back into her carry on and get back down to the lobby. After quickly checking out at the front desk Grace strode out as swiftly as possible without drawing any attention. The rain had stopped so there were a few smokers lingering on the sidewalk outside, but thankfully there was no sign of Jack.
 

Grace thought she was in the clear until her nemesis stepped into her path. Grace halted just before slamming into the man. That was unfair, she chided herself. Victor hadn’t wronged her. She was envious of him. That didn’t make him a bad guy.

“Hello, Ms. Yates,” Victor said politely. Obviously Grace had been incorrect in her assumption that Victor didn’t know her. Her chances of Jack never knowing she’d been there were quickly dwindling. There was no sense in pretending she didn’t know exactly who he was now. Grace nodded and returned the greeting.