Loving Your Lies (37 page)

She swallowed hard, gazing at the distance.
“When John came into our life, I thought things would change for
the better. I loved him. And I thought he loved me back. But soon I
had to learn a hard lesson. John was a drug-addict, and all he
needed me for was to earn the money for his next fix. He was a
violent person.” Her gaze shifted back at my face. “But I’m sure
you remember that.”

I gave a quick nod with my lips
compressed.

When her pause stretched on, I wondered if
she envisioned the many times John had hurt me in his rage. Or the
countless nights when she tried to soothe me with her soft humming
after he’d beat the shit out of me. All of it must have reflected
in my eyes at that moment.

Her hand closed tighter around mine. “One
morning, you wouldn’t stop crying after his beating. I beseeched
him to let me take you to an emergency room. He refused. Feared the
staff would find out about the abuse going on. But I didn’t give up
until he agreed.”

I remembered that day. My left arm was on
fire. John must have broken something when his hard slap at my face
had knocked me off my feet and into the wall. Perched in the
backseat, I’d watched his murderous face in the rear-view mirror
all the way to the hospital. In those few minutes, both of them had
drilled into me what I should say to the doctor.

I fell off the swing on the playground. I
fell off the swing…

“And then the nurse in the hospital
reappeared alone after examining you.” My mum’s voice cut through
my memories. “My heart felt like it was being crushed inside my
chest. I knew I had lost you. I couldn’t get you back. But then I
was also relieved, because I realized that John couldn’t get near
you ever again.”

Now that I had opened my heart to my mother
after all the years of anger, I felt the pain she must have gone
through. She had been torn apart inside between relief that I was
safe and the grief of her loss.

“What happened to you and John?”

Her gaze dropped. She turned her head away
from me. Her hand came up to her mouth, and she squeezed her eyes
shut, probably willing the tears to go away. “John went to prison
for child abuse. I was sentenced to six years for not doing
anything about it. I wasn’t allowed to see you, not even to tell
you goodbye.”

“I missed you so much. No one would tell me
why I had to stay in that place.” I half expected this to come out
as a mere whisper, but found that my voice was steady after
all.

“I missed you, too, baby.” Her misty eyes
rested on my face again, and she reached out to touch my cheek. “I
was determined to endure that time and then get you back home. Back
to me, where you belonged. I couldn’t send you to Marie and risk
that you’d never want to return to me after you lived for years in
a good place like this. That’s why I denied having any family
members willing to take you on. I was stupid and selfish.”

As much as this information hurt, I was glad
to find out that she hadn’t intended to abandon me completely. “So
when you got out, you came to see me in the orphanage. I was ready
to go home with you. What kept you from coming as you
promised?”

She fingered her tissue for a moment. “I
sorted out my life and made preparations for the two of us to be
together again. But the day I decided to bring you home, John
returned. He was released about the same time as I, and he so
easily sneaked back into my life. He promised he’d changed in jail.
That he was clean now and wanted to start all over again. But that
evening he nearly killed me in his drunkenness. By no means could I
allow you to get close to that man again.”

She wiped her nose. “I tried to run from
him, but he kept finding me wherever I moved. Then, one day he
didn’t show up, and I read in a discarded newspaper the police had
found the body of John Malton. He was killed in a drug deal gone
bad. Two months before I found out about my illness.”

Finally, I had my answers. Neither of us had
had an easy life. When she had tucked the tissue back into the
pocket of her house coat, she hung her head and exhaled a long
sigh.

Silently, I rose from the bench and skirted
the table to sit next to her. With my head resting on her shoulder,
I wrapped my arms lightly around her breakable body.

Immediately and with a suppressed cry, she
hugged me hard, her tears seeping into my hair. “I thank God for
this moment.”

I didn’t.

God didn’t know what it meant for me to hold
my mother like this and at the same time realize it might be the
last time ever. The burden pressed down on me and cut off the
steady stream of air into my lungs.

Even if she’d come to terms with the way
things played out, I couldn’t accept this end. I wouldn’t allow God
to take my mother away from me again, and with her the only other
person I loved just as much. There had to be a way, and I would
find it.

A warm feeling surrounded me, took away a
lot of the pain that had centered in my chest. My mother seemed to
feel it, too, because she suddenly tilted her head upward with a
faint smile and a relieved sigh.

The angel was near.

I let go of my mum and shifted to look over
my shoulder. Julian leaned against the wall with his hands tucked
into his pockets. His peaceful expression failed to cover the
sadness in his eyes.

“Can I get
a
moment
with you?”
I asked.

“Anytime.” With a soft twitch of his lips,
he came forward. “But let’s take your mother back to bed first. She
looks worn out.”

Mum gladly accepted his bent elbow, and I
followed as he led her into her room. I promised to look after her
in a bit, but right now I had to find a way to keep her.

With my mother drifting off to oblivion,
Julian silently closed the door. “Where do you want to go?”

I shrugged, not really caring, as long as I
was with him. But then I reached for his hand and led him upstairs,
through my room, toward the balcony.

He stopped me in front of the balcony door.
“You sure you want to go out there? We can stay inside.”

Fear already gripped me around the neck, but
it seemed important to get past that fright and proceed outside.
“Just don’t let go of me, and I’ll be okay.”

Julian nodded. He followed me with his hand
securely wrapped around mine. Next to each other, we lowered to the
floorboards, and with the wall behind us, I leaned my head on his
shoulder. The clouds, that sailed across the sky on a steady
breeze, slowed. Then they stood still.

Julian pulled my hand into his lap and began
to play with my fingers. “This is your moment. What’s up,
Jona?”

I heaved a deep breath. “What does it take
to trade? My life for my mother’s.”

His skimming of my palm ceased, and his head
snapped up to meet my gaze. “That’s impossible. And you shouldn’t
even think about it.” The severity in his tone made me cringe.
“Life is the greatest gift in the world. You should not be trifling
with it.”

“It is my life, and I can do with it what I
want.” I hardly found the strength to hold his glare. “I don’t have
a reason to live with both of you gone. What kind of justice is
this? I find my mother after half a lifetime without her, and in
the next moment I have to let go of her again.” I paused. “And of
you.”

“Accept what she did for you. From this
point on, you can sort your life anew. Marie and Albert will be
more than happy to give you a good home.” He let go of my hand to
tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “As for me, I should have
listened to your mother when she warned me. She told me I’d cause
you too much pain. But I was too selfish to see it. I thought what
you needed was someone to show you what love can do. I refused to
think of the consequences, didn’t see the pain I was going to put
the both of us through.”

The pain he spoke about was tangible. The
fear of loss, the longing, it all reflected in his face. It was
impossible to even think of surviving one day without him. Or my
mother.

“Can you not call on one of those healers
you mentioned? Someone must be able to help her. Give us more time.
Just a little. And if she stays, you can, too, right?”

He shook his head. “No healer can help her
any more. She knows it. And you need to accept it.”

Sitting cross-legged, I braced my elbows on
my knees and supported my aching head. “You know I heard you
talking to her last night. You said there was a way.” A few minutes
ago I had believed taking my mother’s place was the only way to be
with him. Now a new flicker of hope kindled in me. I angled my
head. “Tell me about it.”

Julian didn’t confirm, nor did he deny there
was a possibility. He just said, “I cannot.”

“Then what does it take to find out?” I
demanded loud enough to make him wince. “Do I have to guess at
random? Is there a trial of courage required? You said something
about sky-diving.” I jumped to my feet, standing firmly in the
middle of the balcony, and pressed my hands to my hips. “If that’s
it, come on. Fetch your wings, and I’ll prove I’m ready to sky-dive
with you.”

He came to a stand, reached around my waist
through my bent arms, and pulled me closer. “You’re a brave one,
aren’t you?” His lips brushed my hair as he spoke, then he pressed
them tenderly against my temple. “This is one of the many reasons
why I love you.”

This was the third time he’d said it, and I
longed to surrender to the words. But an immediate rush of
white-hot anger flooded me, propelled me out of his arms. “How can
you speak of love, when you won’t move a finger to stop things from
happening? If you really meant it, you wouldn’t sit and watch as my
mother decays.”

Not giving him a chance to hold me again, I
whirled past him and dashed through my room then downstairs to see
my mother. The bolt clicked inside the lock as I turned the key,
even though I wasn’t sure if that would keep an angel outside.

My mother didn’t wake at my noisy entrance,
so I perched next to her on the mattress and caressed her burning
skin. I watched over her steady breathing for what seemed hours.
And in that time, I made a plan.

If God decided to take both of them, he
would have to deal with one more.

*

Mum woke up at the same time my aunt and
uncle returned from the field. Delighted to see me in her room, she
pulled me into her embrace immediately. It felt so very unfamiliar
to be held by Charlene, but at the same time unspeakably pleasant.
I breathed in the cherry blossom scent of her body lotion, the one
she hadn’t stopped wearing since the time she’d tucked me in as a
child. The memory of loving her flooded me in a warm rush of
comfort.

We didn’t talk much, but I helped her get
into the kitchen. Julian sat at the table with his chin cupped in
his hand. I cast him a long glance, letting him know that I was no
longer mad at him.

Marie and Albert greeted my mum and me with
downright ridiculous expressions on their faces. Their eyes so wide
they threatened to pop out, they both gaped at us with open
mouths.

I waved at both of them then caught a
glimpse of the box with the still dirty bottles. “Sorry, I didn’t
finish cleaning them.” I grimaced. “And on that note, I’m also
sorry for the broken bottles.”

“Oh, do not worry about it,
chérie
,”
my aunt said. “I am so very happy you and your mother finally made
peace. It was about time.”

I cut a glance at Julian, who seemed just as
unhappy about it as I was. And for the same simple reason. We were
going to lose each other soon.

“Oh, what is this? You took off the
bandage?” My aunt interrupted my staring. “Is your hand fine
again?”

In all the turmoil going on, I completely
forgot to cover Julian’s miraculous healing demonstration. My hands
disappeared into my pockets. “Yeah. Well, it tingles a little, but
the pain is actually gone.”

“That is good news. But still, you will not
be going to work in the vinery this week. I want your hand to be
healed completely before you handle dirty roots and
fertilizer.”

I nodded, trying not to think of tomorrow. I
had a plan to carry out.

That night, Julian and I stayed long in my
mother’s room. I intended to savor every moment I had with them
both, while Julian’s supportive embrace kept me calm enough to face
the inevitable.

Shortly before midnight, he led me away from
my sleeping mother. “It’s late. You should go upstairs and get some
rest.”

Heavy lids pushed over my eyes. I forced
them open and shook my head. I didn’t speak, so I could suppress
the yawn with a clenched jaw.

His fingers brushed my too long bangs from
my forehead. “She’s going to wake again tomorrow. I promise.”

My lips trembled as I pressed a goodnight
kiss to my mum’s cheek. Shoulders hunched, I followed Julian
upstairs.

In the hallway at the top of the staircase,
I pivoted to glance at his face one last time. The way he tilted
his head had me wondering if he sensed I was brooding over
something. But I didn’t give him time to question the matter.
Instead, I cupped his face and, standing on my tiptoes, I pressed
my lips against his.

His mouth opened, welcoming the kiss, while
his arms encircled me. The aching in my chest almost broke me when
I let go of Julian and hurried into my room.

The door clicked shut behind me, sounding
like the signal of my intention. Slouching on my bed in the dark, I
waited a quarter of an hour, reveling in the taste of Julian on my
mouth. Then I rose and sneaked out into the empty hallway.

To carry out my plan, I needed a weapon. And
I knew exactly where to find one.

28

ANGEL TEARS

ALBERT’S OFFICE WAS dark and silent. I
didn’t dare switch on the light, but I pulled back the curtains
Marie closed every night, and soft moonlight streamed through the
window.