Lulu's Loves (29 page)

“I have to know.” My dad squeezed my hand as Keelin tried to continue. I could barely breathe, my chest hurt; no, no, no, it was my heart. It was so tight and heavy.

“They were working on scaffolding, but Micah walked out on an open beam.” He hesitated and I saw tears. “He fell three stories. His bones shattered. Fiona says they will not open the casket.”

I started to cry again. My future. My life would now be without Micah Flinn.

My phone rang and Keelin looked at it. “I think it’s Fiona.”

“Hello?” I heard sobbing on the other end.

She was trying to tell me something, but she was crying so hard. Finally, Manny was on the phone. “She’s trying to tell you that we are going to the funeral home later. She wants you to come with us.”

I just held the phone. I couldn’t speak. I was trying to process Micah’s death, but I couldn’t see the Flinn clan as part of that right now. I knew I needed to go.

“When?” I asked.

“At seven. The girls want to get this over with,” he tried to explain, and I understood.

What about me? What about what I want? I was about to marry this man.

“I’ll be there,” I said, and hung up.

“Lulu, I’ll go with you,” my dad said and I nodded.

“They’ll want things their way,” I cried. “I don’t know why they want me there.”

At the funeral home, Fiona wailed. The others tried to comfort her and finally, Eileen came to me. Wrapping her arms around me.

“He would have wanted this…” I heard Fiona say, but I tuned her out. She was obviously the one in charge. I just nodded as she told everyone how it would be. She never asked my thoughts, so I kept them to myself.

As we drove home, my dad was quiet. He reached over and squeezed my hand, and I thought of every time Micah had done the same. I felt lost. I felt myself clawing to climb from that hole again.

The three days leading up to the funeral were a blur. I stayed with my dad. Keelin got whatever I needed from the house. I couldn’t go there.

I know it’s silly, but everything about that house reminds me of my life with him. It was short, but we shared so much in that short time. I don’t know if I can ever sleep there again.

The night before the funeral was the wake. Everyone gathered at Fiona’s home. There were tears and stories, but I felt left out. Everyone was comforting the Flinn family, but it seemed they forgot about me. My dad and Keelin were with me, but even the family seemed to come together to console each other.

Hello…I’m here. Remember me? I’m the one who Micah was going to spend the rest of his life with. I’m hurting, too.

I would go to a group and try to squeeze in, but the Flinns were so big and loud in their grief and loss that I was shuffled away from the center of them. I don’t know that it was intentional, but there we were, my dad, Keelin, and me.

The funeral was worse. I just wanted it to be over. Fiona had me sit with the family, but I wasn’t part of it. I bypassed the gathering afterward.

Several days passed, I couldn’t go to work. I made the motions that were expected of me, in order to make my way through the hours from dawn until the end of each day.

At last, Fiona called, but I didn’t care. She was no one to me now. I decided that I had something to say, so I answered.

“I called you to say I’m sorry,” she said, once I said hello.

“It’s too late, Fiona. Really. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it’s too late. You made me grieve alone. You seemed to forget that the man I loved was gone. We were planning our life together and you forgot about me.” I heard myself getting loud. I felt tears sting the corners of my eyes. I felt my heart finally letting go of the pain I’d been quietly holding inside.

She was silent, so I continued.

The tears came faster, and I got louder. Through every sob that I tried to contain, my anger bubbled to the surface. “I’m trying to get through every waking moment, every day, and figure out just how to do that. You were all so wrapped up in each other that you left me out. Shame on you!” I shouted through a flood of tears. “Shame on you and your family for pushing me aside!”

It was quiet a moment. Finally, Fiona spoke. “Louisa, you are right. “We were in shock.”

“And you think I wasn’t?” I yelled.

“We were selfish,” she admitted. “I’m sorry.”

“You
were
selfish and your apology can’t go back and change those days. I grieved alone.” I was a blubbering mess. I began to cry so hard that Dad came around the corner.

“Do you need me?” he asked and sat down to comfort me.

I handed him the phone. “Hello?”

“It’s Fiona. I fear we’ve messed up far too much for Louisa’s forgiveness.” I could hear her.

“She’s hurting,” Dad replied.

“Micah left something with Eileen. It’s for Louisa. We’d like to meet with her.” Fiona started to cry, but I didn’t care.

“You can come to the house, but not a group of you. Lulu is overwhelmed by this,” he told her.

“Eileen and Fiona will come by this evening,” Dad told me after he hung up.

As the evening went on, I paced. I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t want to hear anything they had to say. I didn’t want to hear their apologies. But I did wonder what Micah had left for me.

At seven there was a knock on the front door. Dad looked to me.

“I’ll get it. I’m a big girl.” I smiled at him and went to answer it. “Come in.”

Eileen made a move to hug me, but I shook my head no.

“I understand,” she said. “We really do apologize. It was so horrific. We just couldn’t believe it. It was awful. I can’t imagine what it was like for you. You have every reason in the world not to forgive us, but I hope that you will, someday. I hope you will understand.”

Eileen handed me an envelope. “I found this in the safe as I was getting things in order. I have no idea what it is, but it’s got your name on it. We’ll be going now.”

Eileen reached for my hand. “We loved him so much.”

Fiona never said a word. She barely raised her head. She was ashamed and it showed all over her: the blank look, the lack of eye contact, the slumped shoulders, I couldn’t let that affect me.

After they left, I held the envelope in my lap. I didn’t want to open it. I didn’t want to wonder what or why he’d left it. I couldn’t. The part of my heart that grieved the most; the loneliness in my soul begged to know.

I went in my room and opened the envelope.

Dearest Louisa,

     I always like to have my things in order; one never knows what tomorrow holds. If you are reading this, it means something has happened. I wanted you to know some things in case I’m not able to tell you.

I looked at the date before I read any further. It was from before we went to Walden Pond. I felt the tears in my eyes as I continued to read.

I love you–madly. I never knew this place in my soul existed until your smile opened the door. I knew from the moment you shared the first, real, genuine smile with me that my life would be forever changed. I fell in love with you in that moment. I’ve never been in love before–a girl here and there, but no one that I dreamed of sharing forever with. You…I can’t stop dreaming of every day to come with you.

I have a beautiful ring in a box as we get ready to head to Walden Pond, and I hope to surprise you. I pray that you say yes and allow me to surprise you every day for our eternity.

But if this letter is in your hands, something has gone wrong. I want to make sure that you know my intentions, even if I’m not here to share them with you. I bought this piece of property for us to build a house on. It’s on the river, a single plot untouched by progress. It’s for our future. I can’t wait to build our future on a clean pallet for your dreams and mine. It’s paid for and the deed is in your name.

I let the paper fall to the floor and fell into my bed crying.

Another Chance

January 2012

I turned thirty-five in October. After Micah, I went through a time of reflection. I took a leave of absence from my job at the university. They told me I could have all the time I needed, but I didn’t know what that would mean. There is so much pain.

I put my house up for sale and moved back with my dad. I couldn’t go back there. Keelin and Dad moved everything to storage until I knew what the future held…

I couldn’t keep the property that Micah left for me. It was intended for our future and every time I thought about it, I’d have a breakdown. Keelin had a friend who was an attorney. He helped me figure out what to do with it. I prayed and prayed about it and finally, Charles Wayman helped me sell it. I donated the money to the Walden Pond Project. After our trip, I think Micah would have liked the idea of that.

March 2012

My house sold quickly, and Dad insisted that I needed to find something else to buy. “You’ve been here too long. It’s not that I want you to leave. I want you to live. You can’t hide here with you dad forever, Lulu.”

I knew he was right. I’ve spent so many years with him–just the two of us–that it’s always comforting to be there.

It didn’t take long. I found a house about two blocks away from Dad and started to rebuild a life that I had no idea what would hold. It had been a year since Micah died. It was time for me to go back to work–return to the living. The Lord knows Keelin nagged me enough that I needed to go back. My biggest fear was that people would walk on eggshells around me. That would make it easier to fall into that black hole again. I’d missed an entire year of teaching, but when I walked in, it was like I hadn’t missed a day. I returned after spring break. Many students came to welcome me back, telling me they’d missed me. It was a good return, and I realized that I was ready.

I worked. I read. I did projects around the house and I tried to live again.

December 2012

Classes ended on Friday December seventeenth and I was ready. Two weeks off, and I was ready for the downtime to relax. I was looking forward to the time away from work to complete some projects around the house. I was still setting up the room that was supposed to be a formal sitting room as an office. I bought a desk that was scheduled for delivery Saturday morning. I’d been working off a folding table for a while and I was ready for it to look like an office.