Lulu's Loves (30 page)

After everything was hooked back up and plugged in, I decided to spend some time catching up. I had pictures to hang and a shelf to build to complete my project, but I needed a distraction. I hadn’t been in contact with anyone but Keelin and Rachael in months. I pulled up Facebook. I hadn’t been on the site in so long I had to recover my password because I couldn’t remember.

There were hundreds of notifications and I noticed that I had several dozen friend requests.
Students
, I thought. As I looked through, I found an old friend from high school whose friend request popped up. Students, as I suspected were a big part of the requests. I looked for a while – there was so much. Finally, I went to the kitchen for a drink.

I got side tracked for a while and when I finally returned, I continued making my way trough the list. I saw the name associated with the next request and sucked in a breath.

Thom Miller.

Why?

I clicked the request there were two options: CONFIRM or DELETE REQUEST. I exited Facebook because I didn’t want to decide, but it didn’t leave my mind the remainder of the day.

I busied myself completing my office project. Pictures hung, my desk set just right so I could gaze out the window. It turned out just as I’d imagine all these months.

Around five, Rachael called and wanted to bring a bottle of wine over for some girl time.

“David’s traveling, you and I haven’t seen each other in a while. Let me come over,” she begged.

“I’ll see you in an hour or so,” I replied.

When she arrived, we pulled the cork out of the bottle of wine she’d brought with her.

“The place is looking great by the way,” she said.

“Thanks, it’s an adjustment. A little at a time. I’m trying,” I replied as she handed me a glass of Pinot Grigio.

Sissy white…
the memory popped in my head.

I looked around. It
was
coming together and it made me happy. It was an eclectic, whimsical, happy place. I
was
trying to move forward.

“Everything is falling in place. I’m happy for you Lulu. You’ve sure had a time.”

I knew she was referring to Micah and moving on. She had some gossip about Jason and a restraining order by his girlfriend for abuse. I listened, but I didn’t care to hear it. I understand that he is in the news quite often–not because of his stellar football career.

We talked for a while and suddenly the words popped out of my mouth. “Thom sent me a friend request on Facebook.”

She just sat there looking at me. Her eyes glazed over. She blink-blink-blinked them eyes as though she was in shock. I knew that feeling.

“Thom Miller?” she asked. “And?”

“Thom Miller, Jr. And, I just don’t know.”

“Are you going to accept the request?” she asked.

I thought a moment. “I think I’d like to know why, after all this time.” I replied honestly.

“How long has it been?”

“A little over nine years.” I took a sip of wine and allowed my mind to wander.

“Did you ever think about him before the Facebook thing?” she asked.

“Sometimes he pops in my thoughts. Not when I was with Micah. No one ever crossed my mind with him.” I felt tears rush to my eyes and leaned my head back hoping I could stop them.

“I have to be honest with myself, Rach. I never really pushed Thom completely aside. I never thought about Jason after we split up. And I don’t want to think about Robbie. Robbie makes me doubt myself, my judgment. And sadly, Micah isn’t coming back. If I’m completely honest, Thom Miller does cross my mind. I wonder what he did after we weren’t a couple anymore. I wonder what he thought, because I never really gave him a chance to tell me. I was too hurt by his reaction to the baby.”

“Then you should send him a private message and ask why.” I’d been thinking the same thing, but I didn’t know if I could bring myself to actually do it.

I turned the conversation to the holiday ahead, and her life with David. Hearing her describe her bliss made me feel sad – but I was happy for her. It seemed that she’d finally found ‘the one.’

After Rachael left, I thought about what she’d said. I think I knew in the back of my mind that I would anyway, but she pushed me a little closer to sending him a note.

Early the next morning, I signed on. It was waiting there, like a beacon. I hesitated for a long time. Finally, I clicked on his name. I didn’t accept or delete it–yet. It gave me the option to send him a message. I sent one word.

Why?

I started looking at something else; ten minutes passed and I got a response.

Because I need to know.

Know what?
I asked

How you are, what you’ve been up to, if you miss what we shared?

Purposefully, I waited a while to reply. First, I wasn’t sure what I would say. Second, I wanted to make him to think and wonder of every possibility.

Why?
I asked once more.

Lulu, I fucked up. There’s no other way to say it. I. Fucked. Up. I wasn’t prepared for what happened. I handled it all so wrong. I’ve been trying to figure out how to reach out to you for a long time. Early on, you didn’t respond in any way, so I quit-but only for a while. I couldn’t find a way to reach out to you, but I kept looking, Twitter, Facebook. I was surprised when I saw you on here, because I’ve been looking for a while. I looked. I swear, I looked, but I couldn’t find you. I thought about calling but I didn’t know what was going on in your life, where you were… I didn’t want to interrupt the life you were living now, but you have to know I never stopped thinking about you.

If you’d called, I wouldn’t have answered,
I replied.

I wouldn’t have stopped looking for a way.

Why now?
I needed to know.

Why’d I find you now? Actually it was you who found me. That request has been pending for a very long time. I look every day. Today? Was it fate? Karma? I just kept hoping one day-today was the day, I guess. Tell me about you and what’s been going on in your life.

I thought long and hard before I decided to reply. I wanted to tell him, but I went back and forth–and back and forth again–questioning why I wanted to. Finally, another response from him popped up.

Lulu? Did you leave me again?

That was all it took…

You told me once that it’s always best to speak from the heart. I am pouring it out here, and don’t you make one comment until I say I’m done! I didn’t leave you. You left me! You let me walk away in the middle of the night in the midst of the most emotional thing I’d ever experienced. I was eight when my mother died – I didn’t know grief at that age, but I learned it at twenty-six when I told you about a life we created and you said nothing. Nothing! Not a word! Not. One. Fucking. Word! You stood there and let me walk away. That five-hour drive home was filled with the worst grief I could even imagine at that time in my life. You didn’t call – nothing. In those first days, I thought I’d die because of the hurt you left me with. But I didn’t know then that the grief wouldn’t really hit until I lost the baby. Days passed before you ‘reached out’, as you call it. It was lonely. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t get out of bed. My dad assured me that “we’d figure it out,” but it shouldn’t have been my dad. IT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN MY DAD, GOD DAMN YOU!

You know, I think I’d have been ok with anything if you’d only responded! Even if you had said you didn’t want a baby, I would have moved on. I would have had a baby on my own, but you said nothing! And then when you did, your profession of love was way too late. You’d already left me for dead. If you had loved me as you said, we’d have worked together to make plans–together or not. But you weren’t man enough to do any of that until it was too late.

I hit “post” and put it out there. I was glad he couldn’t see me. I was bawling so that I could barely see the words I typed. It seemed as though my fingers knew what my heart was saying. I got up and walked away. I washed my face, fixed a cup of coffee and returned. Fifteen minutes passed and there was no reply. I sat there for a few minutes and finally went to throw a load of laundry in. When I returned the reply was there.

I waited half an hour. You didn’t say you were done. You are right; every word you said is true. You’re right–I wasn’t man enough. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’ll ask for it. I’m sorry. I want you to know that there hasn’t been one day since you stepped foot in the sand at Kiawah that you haven’t been in my thoughts. First it was that I wanted to get to know you. As I did, it was because I couldn’t wait to be with you, and then because I couldn’t think about a day without you. After you told me you were pregnant, I thought about what that future meant–I should have done so many things differently, but I didn’t. So, each day that passed you were on my mind because I didn’t know what to do. And then, as you said, it was too late, so you were on my mind because the greatest love–the love of my life didn’t love me any more.

I can’t go back and change those moments, but I can tell you that I grieved in my own hell. I love you Lulu, from the first moment I was man enough to tell you until this very moment. And for every day that follows this one, I will love you more.

I was a wreck. I went to lie down on the sofa and tears came like they’d never flowed before. Thom Miller really was my first love. Jason was a high school boyfriend that I knew from the beginning wouldn’t be my lifetime love. And after Thom, I committed myself to Robbie, but I don’t think I ever fell out of love with Thom. He was on my mind, more times than I want to admit–more than he should have been-but life has a way of putting you in places where you aren’t supposed to think about others so I pushed those thoughts aside.

And then the most incredible man came along and I thought that life had given me a chance to live and be happy with him. I know that Micah Flinn is the greatest love on my life. I know that I can love again, but no one will ever replace
that
love
.

But Micha Flinn is gone…

I didn’t know what I was going to say next. I didn’t know how I would reply.

An hour or so passed. The laundry was done–the kitchen was clean. I felt like I was outside myself watching a slo-mo me move through the motions. I knew I needed to respond in some way, but I didn’t know how, or if I should. So I continued through my day, mindlessly.

At four or so, when I figured he’d be at the pub getting ready for happy hour, I sat down to look. I reread his words, and I cried again.

I’m not quite sure how to respond. I have to pay attention to all my feelings. I have to be accountable for every emotion, because I’ve been broken more than once. I’ve been hurt, and I’ve been gutted. I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me. All I can pray each evening when I go to sleep is that I wake up in the morning–offered a new opportunity to get things right. I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve had great trials. I need to figure out who I am.

The reply was immediate. It was as though he was waiting.

May I call you?

No. No, not now. I have to get things right in my head.

Then Lulu, I will pray each night when I go to sleep that I wake in the morning–offered a new opportunity to get things right.

“Hey, Dad, want to come over for dinner?” I asked when I called him.

“I’d love to. Do you need help with something, do I need to stop by the house and bring my toolbox?”

“Just bring you and your appetite.” I felt a smile spread across my face. My heart warmed at the idea of fixing him dinner. It was the first happy thought I’d had all day. I miss him. But tonight, I needed him.

I opened the door and received one of my daddy’s big, loving hugs. But then, he eased me back to look at me.

“Lulu?” His expression turned to one of concern.

I reached for his hand. “Come to the kitchen with me. Before we eat, I want to show you my latest accomplishment. I found this at a thrift store. He admired the stained glass window that hung in the window opening over my sink. 

“It’s beautiful, Lulu.” He stood there looking and added, “And as hard as I try to imagine you getting it just so, it looks like its level.”

My heart hurt as I thought about Micah teaching me to use the laser level, and then I turned it into a happy memory.

His smile made me laugh. “I figured that using these eye bolts if I had the chains the right length I could just turn them until it was even. I reached in one of the drawers and pulled out a laser level. “This helped me make sure.”

“Well, Susie homeowner, you did good!” he smiled proudly.

“I’ve had good teachers. I made pork chops,” I told him and turned to the stove. “Grab silverware and drinks and I’ll dish it up.”

We sat down to eat and, as though he couldn’t stand it a second longer he grabbed my hand. “What’s on your mind, Lulu? I knew there was something when you called, but your face hides nothing from me.”

“I do have something I want to tell you. I need guidance, or maybe I just need you to listen, I’m not sure, but my heart is a mess.”

“What is it?” he asked.

“Thom.”

He thought a moment. “I didn’t see that coming.”

“Me neither,” I replied, honestly. “It was out of the blue. I hadn’t been on Facebook in a really long time; there was a message from him from quite a while back.”

I explained the conversations. I told him of my worries and hesitations. I shared my feelings, and I cried.

“So you still have feelings for him?”

I didn’t hesitate. “I don’t think the love I felt for him ever went away. It was replaced with tremendous hurt and confusion, but in my heart there was still his space. Robbie didn’t fill it. I should have known he wasn’t the one. There were so many signs, even before we married. Thom would pop into my thoughts and I’d have to push him away, telling myself, ‘that’s the past’. But he still crept in. Maybe that’s why I was always on edge with Robbie, because I wasn’t sure of myself, although his need of other women had nothing to do with that.”

“When Micha came along there wasn’t a place for thoughts of Thom because my heart was happy and full. But now it’s empty and hearing from Thom makes me wonder. I don’t know what to do about that.”

“Lulu, is it because you’re lonely?” he asked.

“No,” I replied, honestly. “I’m not lonely. I miss Micah, but I’m not looking for someone to fill the place that his death left.”

I thought a moment. “It’s curiosity.”

“Does he want to see you?”

“He does, but I’m not so sure it’s a good move. I’m not sure that even though he’s still out there wanting me, that I can forget the hurt that ended us. I can forgive him, but I’m not sure I can forget those feelings.”

“Pray, Lulu. God will guide you. You will figure this out; us Welks have strength and resolve.”

“I love you, Dad. How ‘bout some ice cream?”

I didn’t log back on to my computer after Dad left. I wanted to, but I talked myself into going to bed. It had been a long emotional day. But the night was sleepless–filled with thoughts of Thom Miller. At 3:30, I gave up and went to the computer. As soon as I signed on, there was another message from him. I opened it and read.

I waited to see if you’d come back–kept checking. I prayed you would, but perhaps you decided not to respond. I’m sure you have lots of questions, misgivings, and trust issues with me. I understand that. I hurt you. I killed what we had. When you’re ready, I’ll hope you’ll share these last years with me. Mine are easy to tell you about; they were hard. I worked, I hoped and prayed, I slept, and I’d wake and do it again. Danno is pretty much running the bar. I go in, grab the receipts and bring them home. I run, but it’s not the same missing the view in front of me. My island isn’t the same-it’s where I reside, but I live in my dreams and memories. I’m praying that our conversations can continue. I miss you. I miss you like I can’t even explain, Lulu. Please, let me hear from you again.

Waiting…

I read it twice.

I’m really not sure what to say. I do have trepidation. I have fears. My years were filled with mistakes–waiting to feel as though I could really move on–it was hard, Thom. I loved you, and you hurt me like I couldn’t imagine someone could feel hurt. I didn’t know that someone could hurt someone like that–and yet…

You remained in my thoughts, even as I moved on. I got married and tried to make a good life. He had other ideas. He cheated on me. I was a wife whose husband found pleasure in other women.

I didn’t mean to, but I hit return and it posted. I had more to say.

It was after five and I went to get coffee. The one word message waited when I returned.

Married?

Yes. I had to move on. In all honesty it was probably because he was the one at the time, and he asked. I tried to make the best of it, but in my heart I think I knew he wasn’t going to be the one forever. There were too many signs–I saw too many clues, yet he talked me into pushing them aside. I loved him, but I realize now that I wasn’t in love with him. I’ve learned that there is a difference–a HUGE difference. I won’t give my heart so freely any more.

Finally, I gave in to an incredible man. I fell in love again. I was engaged and recently suffered tremendous grief because I lost him to a horrific accident. And now, over a year has passed and I am trying to learn to live again. I’ve recovered before.

I recently bought a house (my second one) and I keep busy with projects that keep my mind occupied, my hands busy – it helps the time pass.

I don’t know why I felt the idea of sharing my life with him was a good idea, but somehow it felt right. I remembered the time and conversations we’d shared so long ago.

I’m not sure what to say. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m quite sure that if you gave your heart to someone, and loved him, that learning to live without him is difficult. I know how that feels. I’m still processing all of this. Not that I didn’t think you’d move on and share your life, just hearing about it …
he wrote back.

I knew the first one was a mistake as soon as I committed to it. I needed to move past you. I needed to LIVE again, because you killed me, Thom. That’s the only way I can tell you. You killed me.

I had to let him know how bad he’d hurt me.

There was no response for a while. I walked away. There was a project I was working on and it made me happy to think about finishing it. At lunch, I fixed a sandwich and a drink and went back to the computer to peek.

Lulu. I have been gutted only once before in my life. Today makes twice. The first was when you sent me away. I deserved your rejection, but it still left me empty. Today I am gutted once again because your honest, lovely heart keeps telling me how much I hurt you. Lulu, I was shocked. I was confused. I was wrong. I’m not asking you for anything. You call the shots here. I want to see you. I’d love to sit down and talk to you, but I know the hurt in your heart–I feel it through your words. I will leave whatever comes next to you. I will continue to hope, and I will pray, but I will also understand. If you decide to call and no longer have my number, message me here. I won’t reach out to you again. I will wait for you to know what’s right.

I couldn’t think about that now. I shut the computer down and went out to run errands.