Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (16 page)

I was just about te move when I heard Jackser comin up the stairs. ‘Sally! It's me,' he was sayin. ‘Open the door te throw out a bit of light. I'm breakin me fuckin neck here.'

Me heart was leapin wit fright! I turned aroun an crept back onta the landin an went onta the next landin at the top of the house. An I sat down, keepin very quiet, not makin a sound. I could look over the banisters an see down when they opened the door. Then I'd know wha te do. But right now I'm not goin te let Jackser get his hands on me.

He was bangin an hammerin on the door, impatient te be let in. ‘Who're you?' I heard him roar. The man muttered somethin, an I heard Jackser say, ‘Oh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Are ye all right, Sally? Poor Sally. Ah, ye'll be grand, Sally! These gentlemen will look after ye.' Then I heard me ma give an almighty scream, an me heart stopped. I wanted te run down, but they'd kill me. I started te cry again. Not knowin wha's goin on. She must be dyin! I stopped cryin te think. If me ma dies, I'll wait till Jackser goes out, then I'll take me brother an I'll go over te the Liberties. I'll find someone te take us in. Now tha me mind was made up, I was at peace. I wasn't afraid any more of Jackser.

I must have dozed off on the landin, cos I heard Jackser callin me. I was afraid, but then I remembered, I'm not stayin wit him. So I came down, an Jackser said te me, ‘Yer mammy's gone te hospital. I'm goin te leave now an walk up there. I have te go te James's Street, St Kevin's Hospital, tha's where they've taken her. You get in an mind the other fella, an don't move outa this room until I get back.' An he pushed me in the door an slammed it shut behind me. I went inta the other room, an Charlie was fast asleep in bed. I stepped outa me shoes, threw off me coat an fell inta the bed beside me brother. I was out like a light, sleepin the sleep of the dead.

Charlie was cryin an slappin at me te wake up. I shot up in the bed. I looked at him an then all round me. Quiet! I could hear only the quiet. I whispered out, ‘Mammy?' an listened. No! It wasn't a dream after all. Me mammy is really gone. Charlie started cryin again. He wanted somethin te eat. I went inta the sittin room an looked aroun the sink. No! The bread is all gone. We've nothin te eat. There's a small sup of milk in the end of the bottle, but Jackser might want tha fer his tea. Better not touch it.

‘There's no bread, Charlie. I'll get ye somethin te eat in a minute, when me ma gets back.' I tried te lift him then te give him a kiss, but he slapped me away an then started te tear his hands through his hair an cry louder. ‘Oh, look! There's a bird in the sky!' An he stopped cryin te look up towards the winda. But when he saw no bird, he was really ragin an started te cry even louder. The winda was too high fer me te get a look out, an we'd no chairs, so there was nothin te stand on.

‘Come on, Charlie! I'll put yer trousers on,' an he followed me inta the bedroom, still whingin. ‘Ah! They're all wet, an there's nothin else! I'll spread them on the floor till they dry. Come on! We'll go te the sittin room.' He followed me in, still cryin. I couldn't think of anythin else te do. So I sat him up on the bed an sat down beside him. He was cryin an scratchin his head, an lookin aroun him fer me mammy. There was nothin I could do. I looked over at the gas cooker. I wouldn't be able te work tha. Ye need matches when the fire's not lightin. An anyway, we'd be blown up. It wasn't worth it fer the sake of a cup a tea. Then I thought of Jackser's milk. Maybe he won't know there was any in the bottle! I jumped up, givin Charlie a fright. ‘It's all right! Ye're all right. Look what I have fer ye!' An I put the drop of milk inta a jam jar an gave it te him. The cups were all smashed. Jackser does tha when he's drunk. He smashes up everythin. I took the jam jar from Charlie, an he screamed. He wanted me te get him more. ‘All gone!' I said, holdin me arms out wide. I put the jar in the sink an climbed back on the bed. Charlie was quiet now, an I took his head an put him on me lap an stroked his hair. I was afraid te think of anythin. The worst could happen now if me ma is gone! So me mind just went blank.

I woke up an it was pitch black. The room was freezin cold, an there was only a strip of blue light comin in through the winda. Me heart was hammerin in me chest. Somethin woke me up. I tried te hold me breathin te listen. There it is! Jackser's footsteps on the landin. An he's tryin te get the key in the door. Holy Mother, grant tha he doesn't kill us. I promise, if ye do this fer us, I'll never be bold again. Me whole body was shakin. He fell in the door. ‘I've got a son! I'm a father!' he roared. ‘Yer mammy has a lovely new babby. He's jet black an as brown as a nigger. He's fuckin lovely.' He fell aroun the room, an I was up on me knees in the bed, ready te spring. I didn't care about him an his babby. I wanted te know if me mammy was all right. I couldn't understand wha was goin on. But I had a feelin him an his babby were behind me ma nearly dyin. I knew now she wasn't dead, or he would have said. But I still didn't know if she was goin te get better an come home te us.

‘Here!' Jackser says. ‘I brought back bread. You get down te the shop an get me a bit of black an white puddin. An hurry! Don't be there till ye're back!' he roared.

‘OK, Jackser. I'll get me coat,' an tha's when I grabbed Charlie an put him on his feet, still half asleep, an rushed him inta the bedroom. It was freezin, but he'd be safer in here, outa harm's way. I put him inta the bed an covered him up te his neck. ‘Now, you stay there an go back te sleep, an don't make a sound until I come inta ye. Then ye'll be grand.' I put me coat on an looked fer me shoes.

‘Get a fuckin move on! Wha's keepin ye?'

I rushed out, closin the door behind me.

‘Right! Here's the money. I'm warnin ye! Don't be long!'

‘No, Jackser! I'll run all the way.'

I was back in a flash! Jackser took one look at the puddin an screamed, ‘Tha's the fuckin dear stuff. It's wrapped! Where's me change?'

‘There's none, Jackser.'

He picked up the heavy fryin pan an whacked me. I ducked me head, an he brought it down on me back. The pain sent me crashin down te the floor, an before I could get me breath he yanked me back on me feet by me hair. I was doubled up.

‘Get back te the shop an get the ordinary stuff.'

I was winded an couldn't straighten up. ‘Yes, Jackser!' I tried te straighten an control the big sobs in me. Jackser hates ye te show pain or cry when he hurts ye. It makes him worse.

I could hardly walk, me stomach was heavin from the pain. Jesus! Jesus, help me! The aul one in the shop looked very annoyed, but she didn't fight me. She gave me the puddin an change. Jackser was satisfied an gave me a ha'penny an told me te go back te the shop an buy sweets. ‘An make sure ye bring back sweets fer tha child in there!'

‘OK, Jackser,' I said. I got three jelly babies an brought them back te share wit me brother. There'll be two fer me an one fer him, I was thinkin as I came up the dark stairs. Then I dropped two. Jaysus! Where are they? I couldn't see. I spread me hand along the stairs but I couldn't find them. I searched an searched. But they were gone in the dark. Ah, well, tha's me bad luck. Lucky I still have one fer Charlie or Jackser would go mad.

When I got back in Jackser said, ‘Where's the sweets?'

‘Here, Jackser! I kept one fer me brother.'

‘Where's the rest of them, eh?'

‘I dropped the other two on the stairs! They're lost.'

‘Ye fuckin lyin bastard.' An he lifted me off me feet wit a kick, sendin me sprawlin. I was doubled up in agony an screamed wit pain. He came chargin at me, an I rolled inta a ball te protect me head. He lifted me off the ground, tearin me coat, then he grabbed me from the front, tearin the frock off me. I was naked. He whirled aroun an went over te the press an pulled out a rag. It was a coat at one time, but now it had no sleeves, just two big holes in the armpits, an the linin was gone, an it had been cut off at the end. He threw it at me an said, ‘Here, put this rag on. No bastards are stayin under my roof. I want no other man's leavins! Get back on the street where I found ye.'

I put the coat on me, an it went down te me shoes. Then he lifted me by the neck, opened the door, an roared, ‘Get back on the streets. An if I see ye aroun, ye're fuckin dead!'

I went down the stairs an out onta the street. I pulled the coat aroun me, but the armpits was too big an left me all exposed te the cold night air on me bare skin. The coat was trippin me up, an I looked down at meself. An I was so ashamed. I was walkin up an down outside the house not knowin wha te do. People will laugh at me if they see me like this. What am I goin te do? I looked up at the winda, an I could see the flickerin from the candle. But he was not goin te call me back. Me head was full of lumps an painin me. An me hair was all gone in a big bald patch. It came out in me hand when I touched me head. Holy God! Are ye listenin te me? Make Jackser stop hittin me, an don't let him hurt me brother. Help me te find a way te put him in good form. An make me mammy better, an let her come back te me. An maybe Jackser will fall off his bike under a lorry an get mashed, so he can't come back. An I promise, Holy God, I'll be good fer the rest of me life.

Ah, Jaysus! I'll have te sit down on them steps. The pain is killin me. It's cuttin right through me, an me breath is hurtin me in me chest. I don't want anyone te see me. They'll think I'm a tramp an be afraid of me. They'll be thinkin, look at her, she's a dirty little nobody, move away quick before ye catch a disease. An they'll be afraid te come near me. I need te hide. I know what I'll do. I'll creep up te the top of the house an hide on the landin up there. Then I'll be outa the cold, an I can see wha happens. Oh, me head. I'm goin te get sick! But there's nothin comin up. I drag meself up the stairs. Me head is swimmin from all the pain. If I could lie down in a warm bed, tha'd be heaven. But I'll settle fer tha landin. Oh, tha's better! I can lie down now at last.

I'm curled inta a ball te ease the pain, an it's nice an quiet. An I'm outa the freezin wind. All I need is somethin te wrap aroun me. Holy God! Are ye there? Listen! I have somethin te say te ye! I'm very annoyed wit me ma! While she's off gettin herself sick an collectin babbies fer Jackser, she's not bothered about me an me brother any more. I think she's sidin wit Jackser now, an she's finished wit us. I heard tha Jackser fella say they'd lose the money if they get rid of me an Charlie. So this is what I'm askin ye, Holy God. If ye don't want te mash Jackser inta nothin, then will ye make me grow faster so I can take Charlie an meself an get away from Jackser. I want te be able te manage on me own, in peace an quiet. I've been watchin people, an I know how they do it. Ye see, I'm only seven, an people wouldn't take me seriously. I wouldn't be able te wear nylons an high heels an work. An have money an be very busy lookin after everythin. An be terribly respectable. An I'd look well an have a fat purse wit loads a green pound notes. An people would say te me, ‘Yes, Mam! Certainly, Mam!' I'd be different, God, from me mammy. Me ma doesn't seem te know anythin! So will ye let me get a move on? Even if I was nine or ten, tha'd do. Is tha OK, God? An I promise not te curse any more.

I woke up, an it was light. Jackser was slammin the door shut on his way out. I jumped up without thinkin an came down the stairs. ‘What're ye doin there?' Jackser roared. ‘Where were you?'

‘I was here, Jackser!'

He stared at me an said nothin. ‘Right!' he said, openin the door. ‘Get in there an mind tha young fella. An remember! You're on borrowed time in this place. Look crooked at me an ye're out tha door. You fuckin bastards will be out soon enough. Ye're not wanted here.'

‘OK, Jackser!' I said, not lookin at him.

Charlie was sittin on the floor in the sittin room. When he saw me, he lifted his arms an started te whinge. I was happy te see him an wrapped meself aroun him on the floor. He went quiet an was content te leave his head in me lap. But I was stiff an cold, an needed te get a bit of heat an somethin te drink an eat. I got up an pulled Charlie te his feet. ‘Let's see wha there's left te eat.'

There was a chunk of loaf, an I got the knife an sawed it in half, an gave the other half te Charlie. There was no margarine te put on it. There was nearly a quarter pint of milk left in the bottle, so I poured a little fer Charlie in the jar an gave it te him. An then carefully took mouthfuls from the bottle. Jackser would know how much he left, so I put water in the milk te make it look more. ‘Come on an we'll go te bed!' I said te Charlie, an he slapped me away. No! He didn't want tha. ‘OK!' I said. ‘Day! Day! I'm goin!' An he ran after me, roarin. I laughed an whooshed him inta the bed, an then he laughed, an I put the hairy blanket an coats over us, an I was out like a light.

We were in the sittin room, sittin up on the bed, when Jackser came in. ‘Right!' he said. ‘Get him dressed an put yer coats on.' I was flyin te get ready, but it was only me heart hammerin in me chest tha was goin fast. Charlie was puttin his two legs in the one leg of his trousers, an I was shakin so much I couldn't get him ready. ‘Gerra a move on, Mrs!' Jackser roared at me. ‘I haven't got all fuckin day!'

‘OK, Jackser! I'm just ready,' I squeaked.

Charlie was happy, an he was tryin te help me. He knew we must be goin somewhere. But he got all tangled up again. I couldn't turn aroun, but I was expectin a punch in me head or a kick any minute. So I pushed Charlie down on the bed an whipped the trousers off him. Charlie saw the look on me face an lay still. I was very silent, but he could tell we'd better be quiet, this was no time te mess. I put his shoes an coat on him, an looked at me own coat. It was ripped, but so was me frock. I wish I had a pin. I'd better put it on anyway. I can't go out in me skin. He'll go mad now when he sees this, an we won't go out. I held the coat together an clamped me right arm down tight over it an put Charlie standin in close beside me, so he mightn't notice.