Magnificent Joe (9 page)

‘I don't remember you at
all.'

‘Probably a good job; it wasn't what you'd call an uplifting experience.'

‘It usually wasn't. Look, I need to know you're not going to screw it up for me and Geoff. It was a long time ago, and everything's changed
now.'

Jim squinted at her, tried to make sense of her. Her face was the same, but otherwise there was nothing about this woman that reminded him of that girl. She's sorted, he thought. She's been to college, for fuck's sake. It struck him that he quite liked her. He pushed his hands through his hair and forced himself into resolve. ‘Geoff loves you. I won't tell
him.'

‘What about Barry?'

‘Don't do anything – I'll deal with him. It'll be like a fresh start.'

‘Oh, please. I don't need a husband to get a fresh start. I clawed my way out of the shit on my own. This isn't about fresh starts; it's about my life. And Geoff's.'

‘Husband? Christ.'

‘Yeah.'

‘OK.'

‘OK.'

They watched each other for a few moments, until the sound of footsteps on the staircase shook Laura into action and she slipped out of the bathroom without another
word.

Jim stayed where he was. He heard her walk along the landing and say hello to someone as she passed them at the top of the stairs. ‘Bollocks,' he muttered to himself, and decided that since he was in the bathroom anyway he may as well have a
piss.

Back downstairs, Jim sat in the kitchen again. He didn't want to go outside and mingle with people, but he watched them through the doorway. Even though he kept a close eye on Barry, he didn't see the precise moment when Barry realized who Laura was. It must have been a gradual dawning, rather than the sudden floodlight that Jim himself had experienced. Still, when Barry strode up the garden, straight towards the kitchen door, Jim knew why he was coming.

‘Were you just going to sit here all night and not say anything?'

‘What do you mean?'

‘I saw you follow her indoors. I thought,
“
That looks a bit funny,” and it got me thinking. Then I worked out where I'd seen her before.'

Barry stood over Jim and waited for him to respond, but Jim didn't say anything.

‘So what are we going to do about
it?'

Jim gazed up at Barry. He wanted to pretend nothing was happening, that he didn't know what Barry was talking about, but he knew there was no point. He just shrugged and said, ‘I dunno.'

‘Fucking dirty bitch.'

‘She doesn't do it anymore,
Baz.'

‘How do we know that?'

‘Because Geoff said she works for the
NHS.'

‘She's probably lying.'

‘She's not lying. He's been to her fucking office; he picked her up for lunch. He told me all about it last week.'

‘She's still a slag.'

‘They love each other.'

‘Are you defending her?' Barry was full of genuine disbelief.

Jim paused and flicked a stray piece of lettuce across the tabletop. ‘Everyone's done something they regret. And he's happy.'

‘He's not going to be happy when he finds out she's a fucking whore.'

‘He doesn't have to know that.'

‘Bollocks. I'm going to tell
him.'

‘Barry, don't.' Jim stood. ‘Look at her – she's good for
him.'

‘Fuck off! Half of fucking Teesside's been through that cunt.'

‘Aye, including you. So how can you judge her
now?'

‘What? Are you fucking stupid or something? She's been a fucking prossy.'

‘Why should that matter
now?'

‘Of course it fucking matters. Look, you've got to be cruel to be kind.'

‘Barry, they're going to get married.' Jim stepped towards him. ‘Don't fuck it
up.'

‘Married?' Barry stood, stunned. ‘Fucking hell. Well, that settles it: no friend of mine's marrying a hooker.' He turned to leave, but as he reached the doorway, Jim grabbed him by the shoulder.

‘Don't do
it.'

‘Get off me.' Barry tried to shrug Jim off, but Jim gripped him harder and bodily turned him. Barry shoved Jim in the chest. ‘Fuck off. I'm telling
him.'

‘No!'

‘Geoff,' Barry shouted out, ‘come in here!'

‘Stop.'

‘Geoff!' Barry roared it this time, and over Barry's shoulder Jim saw Geoff turn, look suddenly worried, and trot towards
them.

Jim looked Barry in the eye and saw malice and determination. ‘Fuck you,' he whispered, drew back his right fist, and punched Barry in the face. Barry fell backwards over the doorstep and landed outside, face up. His eyes were still open, staring up into the sky, and he was breathing heavily.

Jim stood in the doorway. Everyone was still and silent, until the jug of Pimm's slipped from Carol's hand and shattered around her feet. She looked down at her sodden shoes and blood-flecked ankles, put her hands to her face, and began to
cry.

‘I'm all right.' Barry sat up, but no one moved to help him. He looked at Jim. ‘You fucking bastard.'

‘Just watch your mouth.' Jim looked up. ‘Geoff, take me home.'

‘What the fuck was that about?'

‘Nothing. I'm just drunk, and he's being a twat. Right, Barry?'

No answer. Geoff surveyed the carnage and shook his head. ‘Trust you two to fuck this
up.'

‘Let's
go.'

—

Later that night, the booze had worn off and Jim sat in his armchair with a terrific headache. He tried to watch TV, but he couldn't concentrate on the screen, so he just listened to the sound. It formed a bed of something, at least, in the room and held back the nothingness. He tried to imagine, without much optimism, what it would be like when he went to the Job Centre on Monday morning. He'd never been inside one; there had always been enough work with Barry and Geoff. But now there wouldn't be any more Barry and Geoff; Jim had fucked everything up. Even if Barry did keep his mouth shut, neither he nor Geoff would want to work alongside Jim
now.

The worst part was that Jim hadn't planned, or even wanted, to hit Barry. It burst out of nowhere. Everyone had seen him do it, just like the stupid ex-convict he was, and just when he thought things were getting better. Jim put his hands over his face and sighed. ‘Oh God. You fucking idiot.'

Then the phone
rang.

‘Hello?'

‘I've just done you a big fucking favour.' Barry, in a low voice, as if he was worried he might be overheard. ‘Carol wanted to call the fucking police. I told her not to be so daft.'

‘Right. Thanks.'

‘Nothing's broken, you'll be pleased to hear.'

‘Oh.'

‘
Oh
. Is that
all?'

‘Yeah. That's all.' There was no point giving him an apology
now.

‘You're a miserable cunt.'

‘Well, that makes two of us, then. Goodbye, Barry.'

‘Hold on, hold
on.'

‘What?'

‘I've thought about it. Mebbes you're right. Not about her, like – she's a fucking slag – but y'know, about rocking the boat and that.'

‘I never said anything about rocking the boat. I just told you not to be a twat.'

‘Well, I'm saying about it now. So listen to me, you bastard. I'm not going to tell him – yet – but I've got this one on you, right? So don't fuck me about anymore.'

‘Fuck you about?'

‘What I mean, Jim, is that you need to remember who the fucking boss is around here,
OK?'

‘And that's you, is
it?'

‘Yes, it fucking well is. I'll see you on Monday.' Barry hung
up.

Geoff sat in an armchair in his family's living room and stared into space. The carriage clock on the mantelpiece said it was eight thirty. Geoff was still in his pyjamas, and his tea was going
cold.

Jim was in the kitchen polishing the men's good shoes. Now and again he looked up through the doorway at Geoff, who hadn't moved for a while. Jim just concentrated on getting the shoes nice and shiny; right now, it seemed like the best way he could help. Not that any of them would thank him. They almost hadn't let him in the house, but Geoff insisted.

Eventually, Geoff's brother came down and roughly patted Geoff's shaven scalp. ‘Cheer up, you fat fucker. You've done bloody well for yourself.'

‘Yeah,' Geoff said, and then he didn't say anything
else.

Jim watched them for a few seconds, blinked, and went back to the polishing. Geoff's brother walked into the kitchen and rummaged for something in the cupboard under the sink. He ignored Jim. Then he went back upstairs.

Jim finished the last shoe and called through to Geoff, ‘Come on, mate, let's get a move on,
eh?'

Geoff nodded slowly and stood
up.

They went upstairs to the room Geoff used to share with his brother. Jim hadn't been in this room since they were teenagers. It still had the two single beds in it, although Geoff had moved out six months ago and got a place with Laura. Jim pointed with his foot at Geoff's old bed. ‘Is there still a stash of
Razzle
under there?'

‘Dunno,' muttered Geoff.

Jim decided that there probably wasn't, and started to pull the plastic off the rented suits.

Geoff dressed slowly, fumbled with the buttons. Jim finished long before him and sat on one of the beds to wait. Eventually, Geoff turned and said, ‘Look all right?'

‘Aye, like a real groom.'

‘Good.' Geoff paused. ‘I'm sorry you're not my best man. It's just…'

‘They wouldn't like it. I know. I'm an ex-con.'

Geoff shook his head. ‘Don't say that. It's in the past.' He paused. ‘You're doing well.'

‘There's a ringing endorsement.'

‘You know what I mean.'

‘Don't worry about it, Geoff. Anyway, your best man should be your brother.'

‘Little bastard. I caught him perving at her the other
day.'

‘You can hardly blame him – she's pretty
fit.'

Geoff sighed and sat down on the other
bed.

‘Geoff, what's wrong? You were dead happy before. You couldn't believe your luck.'

‘That's the fucking problem. I don't believe my luck. I know it's fucking stupid, but I just cannat stop worrying, you know?'

‘Geoff, I'm not the best person to ask about relationships. I've never had one.' Geoff just sighed again, so Jim said, ‘What are you worried about?'

‘About everything you've been saying, man. That she's beautiful, and she's nice, and she's just…' Geoff trailed off in a growl of frustration and hammered his fists on his thighs. ‘Too fucking good for me, that's what.'

‘Well, she must think you're all right. She's fucking marrying
you.'

‘I keep telling myself that, but then I keep thinking that she's going to get bored of me in the end. I'm fat and I'm boring.'

‘Jesus Christ, man. It'll be more than just boredom she feels if you carry on like that. You've got to pull yourself together.'

‘I'm serious, though. What's going to happen a few years down the line?'

‘Fucking hell, Geoff. I'm no expert, but I think most people generally consider that
before
their wedding
day.'

‘It's not fucking funny.'

‘Do you see me laughing?'

Geoff stood up and looked out of the window, his back to Jim. Jim glanced at his watch. Barry would be here at any moment, and Jim suddenly felt
sick.

‘Geoff, have you talked to anyone else about this?'

‘No. Just
you.'

‘Good.'

Geoff put his forehead on the glass and sighed. ‘It was all right until we said we were getting married and now I'm just fucking sick to death of hearing people say, “You've done well for yourself.” Like no fucker can believe it. It makes me feel like a fucking maggot.'

Jim realized that Geoff was close to tears and he dug his fingernails into his palms in embarrassment and pity. He didn't know what to say to his friend. The sound in Geoff's voice reminded Jim of a day – years ago, shortly before Geoff left school – when a girl Geoff secretly fancied had called him ‘Spotty McBlobby' to his face. Geoff had burst into tears and thrown a chair across their form
room.

A mad thought flickered like a knackered light bulb in Jim's head: tell him the truth. Jim shook it off. It was far too late for that. All Jim could do now was make sure that Geoff got down the aisle without incident.

‘Well, you're marrying her. You're going to get out there and you're going to show them.' Jim tried hard to make his voice sound casual, as if it was all just a matter of
fact.

‘Everyone'll be laughing behind their hands. Even my own bloody brother.'

‘Bollocks. Anyway, who cares what they think? This is between you and Laura, and no other bugger's opinion matters.'

Geoff sat on the edge of the bed again and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Thing is, mate…I don't know if I can keep up with her. She's so' – Geoff screwed his eyes shut – ‘
experienced
.'

Jim laughed despite himself. ‘You fucking idiot. Is that what this is all about?'

No answer.

Jim sighed. Other than the odd detail dropped into workday banter, Jim had no idea what Laura had told Geoff about her past. Jim would have to be careful about what he said, but all he could think of was, ‘It's a damn sight better than marrying someone who's fucking frigid. You're sex-obsessed yourself,
man!'

‘Aye, but now I'm worried that I'm never going to be exciting enough for
her.'

‘You've been thinking about this too much, mate. You're going to drive yourself bloody crackers this
way.'

‘You're too late – I'm already there.'

‘Come on, man, get a grip. And give her some credit – she's not stupid. She's not marrying you for a laugh, is she? She's serious about
you.'

‘No, she's not stupid, that's for sure.'

‘Fucking right it is.' Jim's mouth was whizzing ahead of his mind now; he felt like he was cycling downhill. ‘And mebbes she's had enough of that sort of excitement, eh? Mebbes she wants someone she can actually rely on, and that's why she's chosen
you.'

‘Yeah?'

‘Yeah. You've got a fit bird who likes you just the way you are. It's the best of both worlds, mate. You're on to a winner.'

Geoff smiled for the first time all morning. ‘You're right.'

‘Of course I'm right.'

‘I knew I could trust you to set me straight.'

Jim had no idea that he'd done any such thing, but he smiled and said, ‘Let's get you married.' He desperately wanted a drink.