Mail Order Devastation (Montana Mail Order Brides, Book 4) (16 page)

Mollie gave a tight smile. 
“Thank you, for the thought.”

“
Mrs. Jamison,” murmured Cletus.  “You do know that the Castle is a…uh…” he bit his lip, at a loss for the right word to use with a lady.

“
A brothel,” she whispered. “Yes, she told me.”

Cletus let out a relieved sigh. 
“Just wanted to make sure you didn’t misunderstand her, or that she didn't mislead you.”

“
I didn’t.  And she was very kind—though I won’t be taking up her offer, of course.” She gave Cletus a grim smile, then followed him through the door.

As they walked past the men
’s cell, Noah shielded Mollie with his body as the drunks and criminals whistled and howled at her.  He shot them a long, icy glare, and put his arm around his wife.

He thanked the officer for his compassion, and before they left, he peeked out into the street to make sure no one he knew was walking by.  Then he led Mollie out into the street. 

They drove back to the watch shop in tense silence.  Mollie waited in the buggy while he went inside to tell his mother the barest of details about what had happened.  Fortunately no customers were in the shop at the time.  She agreed to stay until closing time and lock up, if he didn’t make it back. 

“
If you need to stay, please telephone Clay Porter to ask if he or Herman Kirschner could escort you home, since it will be getting dark.”

“
I will,” she agreed, her face grim.

He returned to the buggy, taking his seat beside Mollie.  Neither of them spoke the entire way home. 

One thing is for sure—I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

Chapter 22

When they reached the house, Noah put the horse and buggy up while Mollie went in to make them both some hot tea.  The humiliation burned inside her.  She could barely look her husband in the eye.  How could she explain it all to him now? 

She rehearsed in her head over and over while she waited, but it never sounded right.  Every way she could think to say it, she came off as sounding like a selfish, deceitful woman of loose virtue.

Which I am,
she thought. 
I should have told him the truth from the start.  Or at the very least, before the wedding took place.  He’s a good man.  He probably would have married me anyway.  Or if not, he’d have had compassion on me, and helped me somehow.
It was disheartening to realize that she didn’t even know how good of a man she had, back then…and now she had probably ruined any chance of a future with him.

I
’ve already lost Nell—the Demings are probably packing for Boston as I sit here.  And now I’ve humiliated Noah.  He’ll never forgive me.  I’ve lost him, too.

Maybe she should have given up on Nell long ago, and just have been grateful for the good husband she
’d been given.  It was the sensible thing to do.  But she knew that if given the choice again, she’d still never have given up on reuniting with Nell.  For as long as she took breath, she would always hope to see her daughter again. 

At the sound of Noah coming in the back door, Mollie looked up from her place at the table. 
“I made you some tea.”

“
Thank you,” he said, giving her a curt nod before he turned to hang up his coat and hat on pegs near the back door.  Then he sat at the table with a sigh.  “Why, Mollie?  Why would you do this?  Does it have anything to do with all the secrecy, the sneaking around, the locking yourself away in the bedroom?  Are you in love with Deming?  Are you locked in there, reading letters from him?” 

“
No!  None of that,” she said.  “Well, some of that is true.”  She watched as his face fell.  “No, not
that
part—I’m not in love with him!  There are no love letters.  But yes, it has to do with the secrecy, and the sneaking off every day.”

He sighed, clenching his hands together on the table. 
“Fine.  Then tell me.”

She took a shaky breath, and began the story that might end her marriage. 
“When I lived in Boston and worked as a kitchen maid, I had a beau.  He was the first boy who ever courted me, and I thought I was in love.  He treated me so well, was very respectful and proper.  He wasn’t Catholic, and wasn’t much of a churchgoer, but he wasn’t rowdy, and had a respectable job, helping his father run their livery business.  It was an excellent match for someone like me.  I liked him, we got along well.  But then, things changed.  He started…pressuring me.”

Noah
’s eyes pinned her in his gaze.  She could see the apprehension, the tension in his expression.  She hated that she was going to hurt him even more…and that she might never again see a look of love in those handsome eyes.

Mollie took a deep breath, and went on. 
“I…I thought he was going to marry me, and…well…after a while, I wasn’t very careful about making sure someone else was around to act as a chaperone when we were together.  I suppose I let myself get carried away, and…one night…”

“
I’ve heard enough,” Noah said, shifting his eyes away and blinking back tears.  “Get on with it.”

“
I…I became with child.”

Noah
’s mouth fell open.  He stared, then snapped his mouth shut.  “But where is…?  You…you didn’t resort to…?”

“
No, no, of course not!  I gave birth to the baby.  The father…as soon as he found out, he left me.  I don’t know if he ever intended to marry me, but after…it happened…I told him I would only see him with a chaperone.  He came around less and less often.  Once he learned I was expecting, he stopped coming ’round altogether.  I felt foolish and betrayed.”

Noah rubbed a hand over his face and looked away.  He wouldn
’t meet her gaze.

After many weeks of feeling better about herself, the horrible feelings that she had lived with for months
—the shame and humiliation and regret that she had felt every time a Boston neighbor scowled at her with disdain—surged up once more.  He would never look at her the same way again. 

If he could look at her at all.

She rushed to finish—she might as well get it over with.  “My mother never let me forget my mistake.  I was berated every day of my pregnancy.  And I worked just as hard every day at my kitchen job, then I came home and did even more work than I had before at home, because my mother said I owed it to her, for costing the family more in food, and for the humiliation they suffered.  Then when my condition became obvious, I was let go from my position.  From then on, I was trapped at home, and given even more work to do, right up until I gave birth.  And I was expected to continue the housework from the day after Nell was born.”

“
Nell?”

“
Yes.”  Mollie couldn’t help but smile at her daughter’s name.  “It was a girl.  I named her Nell.”  She looked down, remembering how it had felt when she’d held her daughter in her arms. 

When she looked up at Noah
’s miserable expression, the happy memory faded, and she continued.  “My mother never let up on me for my mistake, but I found solace in Nell, and in my prayers.  I knew I’d made a grievous error, and I had immediately confessed my sin the same week I had committed it.  God knew my heart, and I was sure of His forgiveness.  But there were some at my church—and around the neighborhood—who couldn’t forgive such a public sin.  I had stopped going to Mass not long after I’d lost my job.”

“
You told me you were a devout Catholic.”

“
And I
am
.  But attending Mass became impossible.  I observed Sunday at home, with my missal and Bible.  Maybe it wasn’t the right choice, but I couldn’t face the stares and the comments.  I think I would have lost my faith, had I kept going.  It felt as if my whole life was a shambles.  But once I had Nell, it was better.  I loved her dearly.  Sometimes I felt like she was all I had.  I loved my family, of course, but it often felt like that love was one-sided.  When I looked in Nell’s eyes, it was the first time in my life that I felt pure, unconditional love.  Looking into her eyes was like Heaven—pure love.  She was everything to me.  I knew raising her on my own would be hard, but I was determined to do it, despite my mother’s urging that I put Nell up for adoption.”

“
Wait…you
didn’t
put her up for adoption?”

“
No.  I couldn’t.  You have to understand…I just couldn’t do that to her.  I couldn’t live with it.”

“
But didn’t you want a better life for her?”  His face was a mask of confusion.  “How did you expect to work and raise her?”

“
I had hoped that my mother would help.  She works from home as a lacemaker, so I thought she could help at least temporarily.  I know everyone thinks I should have given her up, but I just couldn’t.  I couldn’t let her feel the pain of abandonment that I had felt.”

Noah
’s eyebrows shot up.  “You never said you were adopted.”

“
I wasn’t.  But…my father, John Quinn, had abandoned me when I was only five years old.  I didn’t know it then.  He had been gone a week or two, and my mother never really explained why he wasn’t there.  Then my mother told me he had died—hit by a runaway carriage.  It wasn’t until years later that my mother—in a fit of anger with me—told me the full truth.  Yet another way to hurt me.  She told me my father had left her for another woman, just two weeks before he died in that accident.”

“
Why would she keep it a secret for so many years, and then suddenly decide to tell you?”

“
I think she resented me for being a part of him, and being a daily reminder of his betrayal.  She was never a particularly loving mother, but she really changed after my father had left.  She became hard…cold…mean.  Even more so after she married again, two years later, to Felix McCammar, who was a marketman just like my father.  Maybe she was afraid he’d leave her too.  Maybe she was taking her frustrations out on me…I don’t know.  But Felix was faithful, and a decent husband, even though she didn’t always treat him well.  They had Chloe not long after that, when I was eight, and my mother was thrilled, because she had thought she was barren after having me.  They doted on Chloe, spoiled her, and all but ignored me, unless there was work to be done around the house.  Felix isn’t a bad fellow, but he does what my mother tells him, so he let her run roughshod over me, and rarely tried to stop her.”

Noah
’s expression softened.  “That’s terrible.”

Mollie was the one to look away, then. 
“I managed.  You get used to it.”

“
You shouldn’t have to.”

“
No.  No one should.  No little girl should have to live with the burden of knowing her father abandoned her, or her mother wished that she’d never had her.  That’s why I couldn’t leave Nell.  I know there are good homes out there, and most girls who give up their babies are making the sacrifice
for
their babies.  But after spending the last few years feeling so unwanted after learning that my father had abandoned us…I just couldn’t leave Nell.  Even if it was really for the best.  I couldn’t spend the rest of my life wondering if my daughter hated me for abandoning her, or if she hated herself, thinking that there must be something wrong with her if I didn’t want her.”

“
But that’s not the case—you would have been doing it for her sake.”

“
I
know that, but would
she?
  You can come up with all kinds of notions as a child, and unless there’s someone loving and kind in your life to dispel the self-deprecating notions, they can become a part of who you are.”

“
Why didn’t you tell me any of this?  Why hide the truth about your real father?  And if you kept your daughter, where is she?  Is she back in Boston?”

And there it was
…the question she had feared the most. 

Her answer
—and his reaction to it—could change the course of their future.

Chapter 23

Noah watched as Mollie pushed back from the table, standing to pace across the kitchen.  He could sense the anxiety welling up within her
—part of him was pulled to go to her, put an arm around her, and tell her everything was alright.  The other part of him was frozen in fear—waiting for the other shoe, which he knew was coming, to drop.

She related the story of the day she came home to find her child missing.  The idea that Mollie
’s mother would steal her own grandchild away from her daughter, and dump her in an orphan asylum, was completely shocking.  His own mother’s character was entirely opposite that of Mollie’s mother. 

When she recounted her frantic search for her daughter, and her discovery that the adoptive family had left the state, he nearly reached out to her, wanting to hold her close and comfort her, despite all that had happened.

But something stopped him.  He sensed it before she said the words.

“
I didn’t have the money to pursue them,” she said, sniffling as she held back the tears that threatened to fall.  “And it was entirely possible that they’d stay in Montana permanently.  I came up with every scenario possible, to get to my daughter.  But I still couldn’t get a job in any decent household—word had gotten around that I was ‘fallen’ and no respectable household chef would have me.  I eventually would secure a temporary factory job that was experiencing an upswing in business, but in the meantime, I was at a loss for options…”

“
And that’s when you answered my advertisement,” he finished, slowly.  “You needed a train ticket to Montana, and I was the first opportunity you came across.”

She stopped, turning to him, wide-eyed. 
“No, Noah.  No!  It wasn’t like that—”

“
Wasn’t it, though?”  He stood, bracing himself with his fingertips against the table, vibrating with humiliation, his anger barley contained.  “Wasn’t that exactly how it was?  You were a fallen woman, as you said—not the morally upstanding woman you led me to believe—”

“
I never said I was—”

“
Oh, you may not have claimed it directly, but you knew I was looking for a decent woman to be the wife of a prominent shopkeeper.  You knew my reputation was important.  And yet you showed up in Helena…and what?  Planned to find your baby and leave on the next train out of town?”

“
No! Of course not!  Noah, please—”

“
And how did you plan to buy the ticket?  Steal from my home?  Sell something at the pawnbroker?  Leave me not only heartbroken and humiliated, but penniless, to boot?”

“
Noah, I swear, I never planned to do anything of the sort!  My intention was to be the best wife I possibly could.  I wanted to make you happy!”

“
Was that somehow supposed to make up for the fact that you deceived me?  That you hid a secret
child
from me?  An
illegitimate
child?  Tell me, Mollie—what did you plan to do once you found the baby?  Kidnap her?  Bring her home and force me to take in another man’s child, without even so much as
consulting
me first?”

“
No!  I—”

“
And when the police showed up looking for the child, was I to lie to them, and claim she was ours?  Risk my reputation, my business, my freedom, to fulfill your fantasy of a happy little family?”

“
No, not that!  I…I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.  I had hoped I could talk to the Demings, get them to see—”

“
Get them to see what?  That the daughter they’d loved and taken care of for months should be handed over to you at a whim?  Well now, I can’t
imagine
how that could
possibly
have gone wrong, and ended up with the powerful Mr. Deming having you thrown into jail!”  He pounded the table, and turned to pace across the kitchen, rubbing his temples as they throbbed.  “What were you thinking, Mollie?”

“
I guess I wasn’t…not clearly.  I promise, I wasn’t trying to kidnap her.  I was trying to do things the right way.  But they wouldn’t even let me see her—”

“
Of course they wouldn’t!  How were they to know you weren’t some kind of madwoman?”

“
I’m sorry for all this trouble, Noah.  It was never my intention for any of this to happen.  I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“
How about
trust your husband?
How about having a little faith in me, and being honest?  How about giving me the chance to choose to do the honorable thing, instead of having it thrust upon me?”

“
You’re right.  I know you’re right.  I was foolish.  I was desperate.  She’s my
daughter
, Noah.  I’d do anything for her.  Anything.”

“
Including destroying my life?”

“
I told you, I never wanted that.”

“
But that’s what you’ve done.  You’ve been publicly arrested, Mollie!  There’s
no
chance that word won’t get around about that.  I’ll be the laughingstock of Helena!  And on top of that, you’ve angered a very powerful man.  Who knows what kind of repercussions that could have on my business?  The family business that my
father
built!  You know how much that means to me.”

She nodded, tears trickling down one cheek. 
“I do.  But he promised me that if I went with the authorities quietly, he wouldn’t seek retribution against you.”

“
He considers you a threat to his child.  If
you’ll
do anything for your daughter—a poor, powerless woman from Boston—what do you think a man like
him
will do, to protect her?”

“
You’re right,” she whispered, her eyes downcast.  “I know you’re right.  He could.  But I truly believe that he won’t do anything, as long as I stay away.”

“
Oh, you’d better stay away, Mollie.  You’d better, or so help me—” he grunted in frustration, slamming his fist down on the table again as the fury swelled within him.  Then he strode to the window overlooking the backyard, his chest heaving as he struggled for composure. 

It wasn
’t only the potential loss of his business and reputation that he was angry about.  It was the loss of the happy future that he felt had been ripped out from under him.  Dreams of children and grandchildren and a long, happy life together—it all had vanished like a puff of smoke.  This woman he had grown to love so much in so little time wasn’t the woman he had thought her to be.  His trust was broken, his heart was broken, and more than that, he felt like an absolute fool. 

But he would never utter a word of that to her.  Not one word.

He turned and pointed a finger at her as he tried to steady his voice.  “So help me…if you go near that man or his family again, I will turn you in to the authorities myself!”

“
I won’t, Noah.  I can see now that there isn’t any hope of recovering Nell.  I…” her voice broke.

Even now,
Noah thought,
she can make me go all soft inside.  It’s no wonder she played me for a fool so easily!
  He clenched his jaw and looked away, steeling his resolve.

She sniffled again as she continued
.  “…I won’t try anymore.  I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to hurt Nell.  Mr. Deming is determined to keep me from her, and I know that any more attempts on my part can only end in chaos and embarrassment to us all.  I don’t want that for her.  She…she deserves better.”

“
Good,” he snapped.  He would not allow himself to be moved by her tears.  “Good, because you’ve made yourself quite a bed, and now we
all
must lie in it.”  He fisted his hands on his hips, and bit his lip in an effort to hold back the hot tears that wanted to come.  “You’ve forced a lot on me, Mollie, with no thought whatsoever to my feelings.  I’m not a hard-hearted man.  Even if you’d have told me as soon as you arrived, I’d probably have done the compassionate thing.  I’d have been upset that you hid it from me, but you’ve been a good wife, in all other respects—you’ve kept up the house and meals better than half the wives I know, even though you were sneaking off on your little mission.  We could have made things work.  And I would never resent a child—I’m
not
your mother.  I would have wanted what was best for you both.”

“
I know that, now.  I just wasn’t sure, at first…”

He shook his head at her selfishness. 
“We could have found a way to fix things.  If we managed to get Nell back, we could have told people you were widow.  I think even a priest might say a white lie like that, to protect a woman and child, would be alright—I don’t know.  But instead, you manipulated me and you used me.”

“
I know it seems that way…and maybe it was at first.  But I promised myself I would do whatever it took to make you happy.”  She slowly crossed the room to him.  “And in the end, I fell in love with you.  I can’t imagine my life without you…any more than I can imagine it without Nell.  Please, I know you’re angry, but if you believe nothing else, believe
that
.”  She laid a hand tenderly on his arm. 
“I love you.”

He shook his head, pulling away from her grasp. 
“I don’t know if I can believe anything you say.  I can’t even
look
at you.”

“
Noah…”

“
No!” he snapped.  “I’ve had about as much as a man can take for one day.  I need to go help Mother close up the shop.  I need to be away from
you!
”  He snatched his hat and coat and walked out the back door, slamming it shut behind him. 

***

I’ve ruined everything.
 

She had worked for so many weeks, juggling her household duties and her trips to the Deming home, trying to find a way to make everything work, and have both Noah and Nell in her life. 

Now, I may have lost them both.

She stood alone in the kitchen, unsure what to do.  Should she finish making supper?  Would Noah even come home, or would he spend the night at his mother
’s house?  Would he tell her to pack her bags and leave?  Would she be homeless, on the streets, in a matter of hours?

She
’d lost everything.  There seemed to be nothing left to lose. 
Is that it, then?  If I’ve lost it all, then what’s to stop me from simply snatching Nell and fleeing with her? 

The idea worked at her, seeping into her brain like a poison. 

Snatch your daughter.

Run.

Run!

Mollie dashed from the kitchen, crossing the parlor and entering the bedroom, to pull her valise from the closet.  She threw it on the bed and began pulling clothing from the drawers, stuffing things haphazardly into the bag. 
I’ll wait until nightfall—they probably think I’m still under arrest.  They won’t be expecting me.  I’ll just wait until they’re all asleep—

Then she pulled the soft pink sweater from its hiding place among her crinolines.

And she froze.

“
Oh, Nell,” she sighed, her voice cracking.  She held the sweater close to her heart.
I can’t do it.  I can’t take Nell on the run.  What kind of life is that for a child?
And what about poor Noah? 

Alexander Deming would bring him to certain ruin, in vengeance for Mollie
’s actions.  Just because she’d ruined her one chance with him didn’t mean she should just abandon him to face the consequences of her actions!

This is exactly what Noah was talking about.  I
’m being selfish, thinking only of myself.  I’m not thinking about what’s best for Nell, or for Noah, or for Lettie.  They’ll all pay the price if I don’t start putting their needs before mine.  And so will the Demings.  I may not like them, but they probably already love Nell by now…at least, in their own way.  How can I make them suffer the same way my mother made me suffer?
 

At last, she faced the truth.  She wasn
’t any better than her mother!  More than once, she’d entertained the notion of ripping Nell away from the only family she probably remembered, and depriving the Demings of the child they believed to be theirs.  Being hurt by her mother didn’t give her the right to make Nell or the Demings suffer, did it?  No!  No more than Ida McCammar had the right to hurt Mollie all her life, just because Mollie’s father had hurt her.

Mollie
’s heart ached, knowing how close she had come to bringing more pain her beloved Nell, when all she’d wanted to do was to protect her! 
I have to let her go.
  Mollie slid down to her knees beside the bed, weeping and holding the sweater close. 

Please God, help me to let her go.