Make Me Soar (28 page)

Dorian let the mug warm his hands, keeping his gaze fixed on the scene outside. “I wouldn’t say my thoughts were pleasant, exactly. Let’s just say I saw myself for the first time as others see me, and it wasn’t a pretty sight.” He shook his head slowly. “This week has taught me a lot about myself. I’d like to think I’ve learned from it, that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.” He glanced at Alan shyly. “And I have you to thank for that.”

Alan put down his mug and then took Dorian’s from him, placing it beside his own. He grasped Dorian by the shoulders and turned him to face Alan. “You’re doing all the hard work, not me. It takes guts to take a long, hard look at yourself and be honest about what you see, the way you’ve done these last few days.” His eyes shone. “And I am very, very proud of you.”

Dorian’s throat tightened. “Thank you, Sir.” His voice cracked.

Alan smiled. “Okay, let’s change the subject. How far have you got with the manuscript?” He released Dorian from his grasp and handed him his mug of coffee.

“I’m nearly finished.” Dorian straightened, shoulders back, chin high. “I should be done by the weekend.”

“Excellent!” Alan beamed. “Then I can get you started on beta-reading my next book.” He sipped his coffee. “Are you going to work on the book some more before you go to meet Justin?”

Dorian considered his words. He’d had an idea about that. “I might give the book a rest for a while. There’s something I’d like to do before I see him.”

Alan gazed at him inquiringly.

“I thought I might conduct a little research online. I don’t know much about HIV, and maybe I can support Justin more ably if I know more about it. He’s scared right now, and if I can help to calm his fears a little, then it’ll be time well spent.”

Alan regarded him in silence for several seconds. “Yes, very proud of you, boy,” he said quietly. He gave Dorian a quick but fierce hug and then turned him toward the kitchen door, patting him on the arse. “Go do your research. I’ll finish my damned edits.” He gave Dorian a grin. “Otherwise I’ll have my editor chasing me.”

Dorian took his coffee and left the room, humming to himself under his breath. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this happy.

D
ORIAN
GOT
off the bus and walked along the main road to the café, trudging through the melting snow. The weather had taken a turn for the better, but the thaw had left the roads and pavements covered in a dirty slush. Dorian was glad he’d worn the Wellington boots. There was no sign of Justin outside the café. He peered in through the window and saw his ex immediately. Justin was seated at a table near the window, leaning on his elbows, fingers laced together under his chin. He appeared deep in thought.

Dorian pushed open the door and stepped into the warm interior. There were only two other customers present, an elderly couple sharing a pot of tea and some slices of cake. Behind the counter stood a young girl reading a magazine, and in the background was the radio, songs playing unobtrusively. Justin jerked his head up at the sound of the tinkling bell above the café door. His preoccupied expression cleared when he saw Dorian, and he raised his hand in greeting, smiling hesitantly.

Dorian walked over to him, and when Justin rose to greet him, Dorian ignored his extended hand and gave him a quick hug. To his surprise, Justin returned the embrace, clinging to him. Dorian couldn’t help responding to his ex’s need. He held Justin close, the pair of them silent. When he released him, Justin’s eyes were wide.

“Wow. I was just thinking that, apart from the hair, you hadn’t changed much.” His smile broadened. “Seems like I got
that
wrong.” He retook his seat.

Dorian’s face grew warmer. “Have you ordered something to drink yet?”

Justin shook his head. “I was waiting ’til you got here.” He made as if to rise once again, but Dorian clasped his shoulder.

“I’ll get them. You want a coffee?”

Justin nodded. “White, please.”

Dorian left him at the table and went to order two coffees from the bored-looking girl behind the till, who seemed relieved to have something to do. He brought the two steaming mugs over to their table and sat down. Justin was still staring at him.

“What?” Dorian said after a moment.

Justin rolled his shoulders in a brief shrug. “I like the hair. The color suits you, and without the curls you look more… mature.” He smirked.

Dorian snorted. “Thank you, I think.” He didn’t think he’d changed that much in six years. Justin had changed very little. He still wore his hair in the same style, cropped close to his head. A closer look at his face, however, revealed fine lines around his eyes. Justin looked tired. Dorian glanced away, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. He emptied a little brown packet of sugar into his drink and stirred it in. “I’m glad to see your taste in clothes has changed.” He smirked. “And for the better.”

“Bitch.” Justin grinned good-naturedly.

Dorian chuckled. “Looks like I’ve not changed
that
much, then.” When silence fell, he glanced up to find Justin regarding him with raised eyebrows and a focused stare. “What’s up?”

Justin relaxed into his chair. “Since when did you become a hugger?” There was that hint of a smile. “What happened to the Dorian I knew and loved?” His tone was light.

Dorian couldn’t help himself. “I left him in Berlin,” he blurted out. Justin’s brow furrowed, and Dorian sighed. “It’s a long story.”

Justin wrapped his long, slim hands around his mug, his gaze locked on Dorian. “We have time. And besides,” he added, his voice lowering, “didn’t I say we had some catching up to do?” He swallowed hard. “Just talk to me, Dorian. If I’m listening to you, then I’m not thinking about… stuff.” His eyes pleaded with Dorian. “Tell me what you’ve been doing for the last six years.”

Dorian laughed. “There’s not much to tell.” He told Justin about his studies at university and moving out from his parents’ house. He was relieved to see Justin grow more relaxed, nodding and drinking his coffee.

Justin tilted his head to one side. “And are you still a deviant?”

Dorian almost spluttered coffee all over the red vinyl tablecloth, and Justin laughed.

“Sorry,” he said unconvincingly.

Dorian wiped his lips and chin with a paper napkin. “If you mean do I still go to Collars & Cuffs, then the answer is yes. Well, you know that, don’t you? You’ve been there. But yeah, I’m still a member.”

Justin stared at him. “Wow, really?” He fell silent for a moment, studying his coffee. “I’m pleased for you. I know it wasn’t
my
cup of tea, but obviously if you’re still there, it works for you.”

It was Dorian’s turn to fall silent. He gazed through the window at the busy road with its constant flow of traffic, the noise filtering through into the peaceful café.

“Dor?”

He looked across to where Justin was still staring at him, brow wrinkled, lower lip caught in his teeth. The expression of genuine concern in Justin’s clear green eyes helped him come to a decision.

“That’s just it,” he said at last. “Until recently, it
wasn’t
working for me. I was ready to leave the club. And that’s when I made the worst decision of my life.” Slowly, he recounted the events of the last few weeks, up to the present. Justin said nothing but listened intently, eyes widening in horror when Dorian spoke about that night in Berlin. Dorian left nothing out. He told Justin about Alan and then pulled at his sweater to reveal the metal collar around his neck. He went on to talk about his revelations of the last few days. Talking about it all proved a cathartic experience. His lack of tension and steady, calm heartbeat told Dorian just how far he’d come in such a short time.

Justin’s face glowed with admiration when Dorian finished speaking. “Wow. That was….” He sighed. “I still don’t understand why anyone would choose that lifestyle, but after listening to you and seeing how much you’ve changed, it’s obviously right for you. This Alan seems like a good fit too. He sounds amazing.”

Dorian smiled. “He
is
amazing. He’s such a patient man, so calm and unruffled.”
Not to mention sexy as hell.

“And the way he came out to rescue you like that,” Justin continued. “You must really be important to him.” His expression grew thoughtful. “I don’t think I’ve had anyone in my life who’d have done that for me.” He gave a bitter laugh. “But then again, I’m not a very good judge of character, it seems, based on recent events.” His face grew pinched.

Dorian offered Justin his outstretched hand. Justin stared at it for a second or two and then clasped it gratefully.

“See what I mean? I should have held on to you all those years ago.” His shoulders hunched over. “Maybe things might have been different.”

Dorian laughed softly. “We weren’t right for each other then, and you know it. That much hasn’t changed. But at least now we can be friends, yeah?” He tightened his fingers around Justin’s.

“Yeah, friends.” Justin smiled and nodded slowly. “Calling you was the right thing to do. I know it seems really random after all this time, but you were the first person I thought of when everything went tits up. I didn’t expect
you
to get tested too.”

Dorian released Justin’s hand. “I get tested regularly, every three to six months, but after Berlin, it’s a good idea, don’t you think?”

Justin nodded in agreement.

“When was the last time you got tested, anyway?”

A flush crept across Justin’s cheeks. “When I was twenty-five.”

Dorian stared at him, unwilling to voice his astonishment. Justin grimaced.

“I know, I know. You don’t have to say anything, okay? Me and my stupid ‘it’ll never happen to me’ attitude.” His face fell.

“And it hasn’t happened yet, all right?” Dorian waited until Justin was looking directly at him. “You know the drill. You can collect the results after twenty-four hours. Let’s wait and see, yeah?” He kept his tone calm and even. “And I’ll be there with you.”

Justin inhaled slowly and then expelled his breath in a steady push of air. “Thanks, Dorian. I really mean that.” He glanced at his watch, hands shaking a little. “Shall we get going?”

Dorian nodded and swallowed the remains of his coffee. He followed Justin out of the café and along Nell Lane toward the clinic. Dorian knew Justin was scared, but after spending the morning researching HIV and current treatments, he was feeling more optimistic than before. That didn’t mean he wasn’t hoping and praying for a negative result too. Justin walked slowly, his eyes focused on the road ahead, and Dorian wished there was something more he could do. Justin’s remark about never having had someone in his life who would have acted like Alan had saddened Dorian.

Justin’s words were suddenly echoing in his head.
“You must really be important to him.”

That was the way it felt to Dorian too.

D
ORIAN
LAY
on his side, facing away from Alan. He knew the Dom wasn’t awake yet. Alan’s breathing was slow and even. A quick glance at his watch told Dorian it wouldn’t be long, however, before the alarm would sound. Not that Dorian had need of it that morning. His mind was far too busy to let him sleep.

He’d told Alan all about his afternoon with Justin. The test had been quick, as usual, after the health adviser had asked Justin some questions about his history. Although Justin had no confirmation of his ex’s status, the barebacking and the length of time that had elapsed since his last test were reason enough to warrant getting tested. Dorian was relieved when he didn’t give Justin a lecture on safe sex. Justin was under a big enough strain as it was. Afterward, they’d made plans to meet up the following afternoon to collect their results.

Dorian had done his best to keep Justin calm while they were together, and it had felt good to have his ex so welcoming of Dorian’s support. The gleam in Alan’s eyes as Dorian had relayed the afternoon’s events had given him a lot of satisfaction. And focusing on Justin’s worries had taken his attention away from…

Right on cue, Dorian’s cock jerked, already hard and aching.

Dorian gave an internal groan. He knew Alan had his reasons for not letting him come, but living with it was proving difficult. The temptation to wrap his hand around his shaft and gently tug on it taunted him.

He’s asleep
.
He’ll never know
.

“I have something that requires your attention, boy.”

Shit
. Dorian gave a start and rolled over to face Alan. One look at the tented duvet told Dorian what his Dom had meant. He straightened his face. “Good morning, Sir.”

Alan crooked his eyebrows. Without a word he reached under the bedding to grasp Dorian’s erection, and Dorian bit back the moan that threatened to escape his lips.

Alan’s eyes sparkled. “Looks like I’m not the only one in need of some relief. Unfortunately for you, there isn’t going to be any.” He gave Dorian an evil grin.