Make Me Stay (28 page)

He stood there, a foot or two from me, staring at me, fighting a battle in his own head, a battle I could see clearly through his eyes. If this was it, if this was the end, I wanted to burn his image into my mind, catalog his smell, and remember how he tasted. If this was the end, I knew that I’d never make it without him, but maybe having these memories could keep me alive.

So I studied his face, his strong jaw, the stubble that grew on it, the sparkle in his cool blue eyes, and the warmth of his shaggy brown hair. The way the muscles in his arms flexed as he moved them. I took in everything, before I wasn’t able to anymore.

I never thought about the force a man could have when he had been deprived of what he really wanted for so long. I knew now that it was rough and sensual all twisted together into something that couldn't be put into words.

Everything happened so fast, my back slammed against the concert wall. I braced my hands against it as his body pressed into mine. He cupped my face in his hands and I watched as he let himself go. Lips, plush and wet, crashed down over mine. The moment his mouth touched mine, I found myself falling down a kaleidoscope of colors and shapes.

Those strong hands drifted down my neck as he kissed me. He wrapped them around the back of my neck. My head slid down the wall as he tugged at my hair. My lips were forced away from his. I tried my best to get them back where I wanted them, but he was reacquainting himself with my neck and didn't care what I wanted. The moans, groans, and growls coming from the two of us bounced off the walls, giving a soundtrack to a long awaited kiss, a kiss where neither of us held back. A kiss where we let go of the past and simply focused on what was right in front of us. I ripped my hands from the wall and held onto him for dear life. My hands wrapped around the shirt at his waist. I wasn’t about to let go. I wasn’t ever letting go.

CHAPTER 44

Kane

I was on my way to the signing, our last one, since it was the last show on the tour. Our next stop was LA, to work on recording an album. The contracts were signed at the beginning of the tour and our home away from home in LA was waiting for us. As soon as that was finished, we were right back on the road to promote the album.

I was feeling good about everything that was happening in my life, that is, until last weekend’s slip up with Caroline. I thought that I had her under control. I thought that I was doing well. That is, until I nearly beat a man for looking at her. I had to refocus. I had to get back on track.

So when I saw her standing on the other side of the gate when I walked off the bus, I thought to myself,
self, this is your opportunity to put her in her place
. I informed the guard not to let her in, no matter what she was saying. When she started begging, it made it so much sweeter. The cherry on top, was when she asked if I was just going to walk away and leave her there.
Bam, bitch! Yes, I am!

And I walked away from her, just like she walked away from me.

When Reece arrived in the signing room and informed me that John, the manager for 4 Alliance was looking for me, I didn’t waste any time. I left the room and headed down the hall and around the corner to where Reece said he was waiting for me in our dressing room.

“Hi, Kane,” Caroline said, jumping out a dark hallway and scaring me half to death.

“Jesus Christ, how did you get back here?” I demanded.

“Wow, Kane, it’s great to see you too,” she said, taking a step closer to me.

Crossing my arms I asked, “What do you want, Caroline?”

“I just want to talk to you,” she said, dropping her little attitude. I tried to interrupt her but couldn’t. “Can’t you see that I--Kane, I’ve said it before and I’m going to sound like a fucking broken record but, I made a mistake leaving.”

Can’t argue with that
. I also couldn’t help but feel my heart warm up to her, like it always did. I moved to the wall and tried to put my thoughts in some sort of order. “You want me to, what? Forgive you?”

I was desperate for her to just leave me alone and move on.
This shit is hurting too much now, seeing her is hurting too much.

“Yes,” she said on a shaky breath.

Wouldn’t that just be easy?
Forgive her and forget, but how do you forget the worst fucking year of your life? How do you forget the way it felt when the only person you’ve ever loved left you with no explanation, no warning?

“I want to forgive you,” I said, breaking the silence that had grown between us.

I pushed myself off the wall. I got in her face, her beautiful face that always seemed to be right behind my eyelids whenever I closed them. I couldn’t help myself. My hand came to her cheek but didn’t touch it. I was afraid that, if I touched her, I’d be done. That soft delicate skin of hers was going to crack me, and I needed to stay strong, sane.

Her eyes closed as she waited for me to just do it, just touch her, and she begged, “Then forgive me.”

Shit
, she opened them, the liquid blue in them was pulling me in, and I couldn’t look away from her. I was stuck in a trance. I didn’t want to be affected by her, but I sure as hell didn’t want to stop looking at her either.

“Caroline, I--Damn, you’re beautiful,” I said, clearly not thinking sanely anymore.

When her face lit up with a smile, it was like a punch to the gut. My heart hit against my chest, demanding for me to get it over with and finally touch that soft delicate skin on her cheek.

I moved my hand away from her cheek before I gave in and touched her. “You’re not going to stop, are you?” Thankfully, my brain had kicked in and put a stop to my fucking heart. “Well, I’ll make it easy on you. You can stop. Stop running after me. I’m letting you off the hook. I forgive you, so you can go back to your life in New York, go back to your dream job and whatever else you have to go back to.”

There, fuck, I hope that’s the end of this because I can’t hold out any longer.
That was my last hope at getting her to move on. I simply didn’t know what else to do.

“All right Kane, enough with the bullshit!” she seethed.

Fuck me, she was pissed. That’s good, right?

“I’ve been here every weekend, waiting for you to get your head out of your ass. Can’t you see that I’m crazy about you? Open your eyes, Kane. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere!”

She was up in my face, and, as her words hit home, I lost it. “Fine!” I yelled, “You’re here right now, but tomorrow you’ll be gone. You’ll leave to go back to your other life in New York.”

“You’re right. I could go back tomorrow to my job. They offered me a position that I’d be stupid to turn down,” she snapped at me.

Is she fucking serious? That’s not the way to win the guy you left stranded for a job back.
I was beyond frustrated and quite frankly disgusted. “And there it is. Right back to the beginning--you leaving!”

At least she had the balls to tell me this time. I took a step away from her, needing some space. Tossing my hands in the air, I let them land and run through my hair.

“Then make me stay, Kane! Make me believe you want me. Make me believe you could love me again. Make me believe you give a shit, and I’ll stay!” Her voice echoed off the walls all around us. I watched as she took a breath, gathered her thoughts, and spoke softly. “Make me stay, so I’ll never leave you again.”

I stood there, a foot or two from her, staring at her, fighting the fucked up battle between my head and my heart. Honestly, I didn’t know what to fucking say. I wanted to turn around and leave her. I wanted to hold her in my arms and never let go. But all I could do was stare at her.

Caroline had the perfect skin color, tan but not overly dark. Her body was made for my hands. I knew she fit perfectly between them. That wild mane of blonde curls atop her head reminded me of how feisty and stubborn she could be. Her eyes had a way of drawing me in, even if I tried to resist them. Her lips, fuck, her lips--

I was done. I was done fighting.
I won’t deny myself anymore
. I rushed to her, grabbed her face between my hands and slammed her against the wall. There was nothing soft or kind about that kiss. I had been fucking dreaming of kissing her like that for over a year. I lost it. I lost myself in it, not caring about the consequences and only caring about how it made me feel to have her again. I took what I wanted, what I needed in that kiss. I was selfish. I didn’t give a fuck about anything else as I kissed her. When I finally came up for air, I held her hostage against the wall, my face buried in her neck as I caught the breath that the kiss had taken away from me.

“God, you ruin me, woman,” I breathed into her neck. “I miss you too fucking much to be mad anymore.”

Having her close to me, my lips on her flesh, it was as if I could breathe again, like the whole year I was only getting little gasps of air, but at last I had taken a deep, fulfilling breath.

“Take me home?” she asked, her fingers still clutched in my shirt.

Those words hit me and I was back to a year ago. I was back to the lake, holding her in my arms while she was shaking and begging me to get her away from the nightmare we had just been a part of.

I hadn’t planned on giving in, I hadn’t planned on taking her back, and I sure as hell didn’t plan on kissing her. When she kissed me before it wasn’t like this. This hit me hard. It hit me right in the fucking chest, and I was done.

I stared into those liquid blue eyes, stunned that after all that had happened--after a whole year apart--we still managed to come back together. “Take me home,” she had asked me. But where the hell was that? New York? The bus? The bar?

Right then, my home was a bus full of rowdy musicians, looking for their big break. Her home was in New York in some luxury apartment.

I started to think back, recalling all that she had once said. All the times that she pushed me away, held me at arm’s length.
How was this going to work
?
There was no way I was giving up my dream, and she made it perfectly clear before that she wasn’t giving up hers. Fuck! Maybe she was right all along.

She must have sensed the change in me, seen the drop of my smile as I realized what she had been trying to tell me all along.

“Kane, what’s the matter?” she asked, taking my hands in hers.

I stood there shell-shocked. “You’re right. You’ve always been right.”

Even though I had finally admitted that I still loved her, and that she still had a fucking hold over me, nothing had changed.
We’ll never make it together.

“What are you talking about? Kane, look at me!” she demanded, squeezing my hands tightly.

“No matter what we do, no matter how much I love you or you love me, it won’t work. I won’t take your dream job away, and I won’t let you take mine from me like I tried to take yours. Kitty--”

It was the first time I had called her that since she left. I avoided calling her Kitty for fear it would make me weak, but
now,
now I didn’t care. What had started out as a way to get on her nerves backfired, big time. She was my Kitty and saying it out loud made me as vulnerable as I had let myself be since the day she left me.

“I told you I’d leave it. I’d leave it all behind, as long as I’m with you. It’s not worth it, nothing is. Nothing is worth leaving you again,” she pleaded.

“Kitty--aw, fuck.”

I couldn’t think straight when she said shit like that and looked as hot as she did. I grabbed her neck and pulled her up so her lips met mine again. Seemed we had come full circle, making out in a hallway, pushing each other away.
What the fuck is wrong with us?

“I’m going to be late for the meet n greet,” I said softly against her lips, palming her cheeks. “Can we finish this after?”

“Yeah, I’ll meet you back at the busses. I guess I need to put my two weeks’ notice in,” she said, giddy and smiling.

She reached up and left a gentle kiss on my lips then turned to head back to where the busses were parked. The image of her leaving on the plane flashed across my eyes and I fucking panicked. That feeling of dread returned. The thought of never seeing her again, that she was going to bolt on me, pulled a heavy cloud of darkness over me, and fuck if I was going to let that happen. I grabbed her arm, spinning her back to crash into my chest.

“Kane, don’t you have to go?” she asked, tilting her head back in delight as I left kisses along her neck.

“Fuck, yeah, I have to go and so do you.” She looked up at me, her brows scrunched in confusion. I grinned down at her. “You’re not leaving my sight, ever. You can put your two weeks’ notice in later.”

Taking her hand in mine, I interlocked my fingers through hers. Pulling them up, I kissed the back of her hand, then headed back to where the meet n greet was with Kitty by my side.

Just as we were going to walk through the door, she held me back, pulling at my arm. I moved to the side of the door and she held my hand tighter. Her eyes, fixed on mine. I waited for it. I knew it was coming, this was Kitty, after all. The same old I-can’t-do-this-it’s-a-mistake Kitty.

“Kane, I need you to know that I’m in this. Before we go in that room where your--our--friends are, your colleagues, your boss, I need you to realize that I’m not leaving you again, no matter what. Because right now, I can feel you tensing up. I can feel you wanting to shut me out again. I know I’ve told you in the past that I couldn’t do this for one reason or another.”

I nodded down at her, agreeing with everything she said.

“But that’s over. The positives outweigh the negatives. They always have. I just tried to ignore it. Kane, this is your last chance, because once we walk in there, I’m claiming you as mine, and I don’t ever plan on changing that,” she said, staring into my eyes, into my soul.

I grinned back. “Ditto.”

She gave a relieved sigh. “Good. I didn’t want to have to beat you up on our first day back together.”

“All right, so I guess you’re my number-one groupie now. I think you should start and head up my official fan club--Ouch! What the hell? What happened to not beating me up on our first day back together?” I said, rubbing my sore arm.