Making Marriage Work (15 page)

True love simply says, “I love you!” No exceptions!

The apostle Paul pointed out in Philippians 3:11-14 that to attain the spiritual and moral resurrection that lifts us out from among the dead [even while we are here in body], we must continue to forget the past and press on for the goal to win the prize to which Jesus is calling us.

We are to forget what lies behind and press on to what lies ahead. Women seem more prone to carrying grudges and remembering offenses for days, and some even remain bitter for years. Jesus called us to a higher prize that requires us to both receive forgiveness and give it to others. The Lord’s prayer calls us to pray for forgiveness as we forgive others:
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors
(Matthew 6:12
KJV
).

Each morning when we rise up, we must press toward the goal of loving others more than we did the day before. Concentrating on the reward that love brings into our lives, we need to determine our goal and say to ourselves:

Forgiveness is the core ingredient to every successful relationship.

I forget what lies behind me, and I press on to all the blessings that God has for my spouse and me today. I will love my spouse more today than I did yesterday. God has already forgiven me for yesterday, and I forgive my partner for any offense I may have felt before today. I will not let what happened yesterday destroy the affection and loving attention I can give to my partner today.

Be in a relationship to see how much you can give to someone, not to see how much you can get out of it. You will then be operating on godly principles of investment that will bring an abundant return because the Bible says,
Give, and it shall be given unto you …
(Luke 6:38
KJV
).

The Bible never says, “See how much you can get, and then you’ll be happy.”

You need to be a blessing to your family. The family unit is the main focal point of Christianity. God’s main focal point is toward your own family. He cares how you treat each other. Dave and I were talking one day about the stresses caused in families where two people living in a house are always wanting to do something different from each other at the same time.

For example, reflecting on my own determinations, I thought of the times when I finally find a few minutes to sit down and relax in front of the television. I flip through the channels to see if something decent is on to entertain my tired head, and invariably Dave will come in and somehow manage to take the remote control out of my hand. The next thing I know there’s a ball game on the screen! Even though with our schedule he doesn’t get to watch as many ball games as he used to watch, the first thing that Satan says to my mind is, “That is all he ever does!”

Be warned — the devil is an extremist! He wants to break up relationships, and he likes to use terms like “always,” “ever” and “never” to do it. He whispers, “Your spouse never pays any attention to you. He never takes you out. He always watches football (or basketball or baseball). Even though it’s not true anymore with Dave, I hear that terminology in my thoughts.

As Dave and I continued our discussion on families, I asked, “How do people get to that point where they want to live that life of sacrifice for the other person?”

Dave said, “I really believe that a person just has to start out doing it in obedience to the Word.”

The point is, you are not going to feel like sacrificing for someone. If you felt like doing something, it wouldn’t be a sacrifice at all. I know this isn’t an easy answer, but as a person obeys the Word, the feelings of pleasure from that obedience will happen over a period of time.

I don’t know anybody who just delights in letting the other person have their way. Our flesh screams at us, “But I want to do this! I don’t want to do this!” We don’t start out delighting in letting that other person have their way — we just practice obeying God.

As you obey God, just doing what the Word says to do, and begin to sacrifice for another person out of obedience to the Word, over a period of time you will come into such unity with the person that you will reach a place of the heart where you honestly want the same things. That’s something that happens supernaturally in the Spirit.

And I know that’s true because I know how like-minded Dave and I are now as compared to years ago. We thought differently on everything then. And it seems as though now we are becoming more and more and more alike. People say that when two people live together for a long time, they even start to look like each other. They start to act like the other person because they are becoming intertwined and molded into the agreement of “one person.” I know that’s true because of my relationship with the Lord. I started out a long time ago obeying the Word and doing what God told me to do just because it was the Word. I loved God and wanted to obey His Word.

Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.

Psalm 37:3-5

God wants us to trust His instructions on how to treat other people.

God wants us to trust His instructions on how to treat each other. To delight in Him is to joyfully obey Him. If we do, He will give us the desires of our heart. It is not the responsibility of our spouse to give us our heart’s desires; it is God Who promises to give us the secret petitions of our inner-most desires, if we love and obey Him by loving others.

There’s nothing in my flesh that inspires me to give away my money or makes me want to apologize to Dave when the Lord quickens me to do so. There’s nothing in my flesh that wants to forgive Dave when I think he is wrong. But God wants me to respond with love and say “no” to my flesh and “yes” to Him, even though I don’t feel like it. Once I began doing what God said to do, I honestly came to the point where I wanted what God wanted. I don’t even know how or when that happened.

A supernatural change takes place in us as we obey God out of respect for His Word. God does a sovereign, supernatural work in our lives as we trust Him enough to do what He says. Soon, spouses start becoming like-minded, in one accord, of one mind, having one purpose, one harmonious mind and intention, going in the same direction.

IT’S A PROMISE

Unity, to become one with each other, is God’s promise to us as we obey Him. Obedience to God’s directions for love is the way two people become one. The blessing that God bestows on those who are in harmony with each other through the filling of the Holy Spirit is illustrated in Acts 4:32,33.

Now the company of believers was of one heart and soul, and not one of them claimed that anything which he possessed was [exclusively] his own, but everything they had was in common and for the use of all.

And with great strength and ability and power the apostles delivered their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace (loving-kindness and favor and goodwill) rested richly upon them all.

Wouldn’t we all like to have loving-kindness, favor, and goodwill rest upon us? It comes from the infilling of the Holy Spirit in our lives and sharing with others what God has given us. The result is great strength, ability, and power to testify of the goodness of Jesus Christ.

It is important to understand that obedience brings the unity. …
a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh
(Genesis 2:24).

They become one by obediently cleaving to each other. Men are to give themselves up for their wives, love their wives and sacrifice for them. Wives are to respect, admire, notice, and obey their husbands.

It takes practice — mistakes will happen as you first begin to obey God — but resist selfishness and rebellion that are against God’s plan for you. Refuse to give in to the devil, notice how as you persist, the two of you become one. You will soon be like two little peas in a pod!

I can see it happening between Dave and me more and more. One of us will suggest something and the other will say, “I was just thinking the same thing!” I would be thinking about something as we rushed about, too busy to mention what I needed, and five or ten minutes later, Dave would say just the thing I was thinking about. Two people become one through obeying God’s Word. Systematically, over a period of time, they begin to be like-minded.

THE SACRIFICE OF LOVE

To obey God, you have to be willing to first sacrifice your personal desires, and when you do, God will give back to you more than you desired in the first place.

Two people become one through obeying God’s Word. Systematically, over a period of time, they begin to be like-minded.

When Dave and I first began to travel extensively in ministry, Dave had to sacrifice a lot of golf in order to go. He enjoyed playing on a weekly league and could no longer do that, plus we usually are doing meetings on Saturdays and often were on Sundays. I know it was something he missed, but God has given him a harvest for the seeds of obedience he has sown. Not only does he have the joy of knowing he is helping people all over the world, but God arranges for him to play golf on some of the best courses in the world and often free of charge. Anything we give to God he gives back to us many times over.

Secondly, you must be willing to sacrifice your pride. In exchange, God will honor you before others. Every time I say, “I was wrong,” I have to sacrifice my pride, as well as every time I apologize. I have to sacrifice my pride every time Dave tells me “no” about something, and I choose to accept his decision without making a fuss about it.

Pride is the detrimental enemy against love. Everyone is infected with pride at some point and has to learn how to take it to the altar of sacrifice. Pride separates two people who have different opinions, and who both demand to be right. But the “Love Chapter” in 1 Corinthians 13 says that love does not demand its rights. Strife only comes by pride.

Love is not self-seeking. In other words, love is willing to be wrong, even if it knows it’s right. Most arguments are over insignificant things that don’t make two cents worth of difference. Love gives up the right to be right. Besides, sometimes you may be wrong, even though you are adamantly sure of yourself.

Proverbs 3:7 says,
Be not wise in your own eyes
. … There have been times when I insisted that I knew the way to someone’s house, then found out I didn’t! One night when Dave and I were going out to dinner with friends, we were driving to pick them up. Dave said he didn’t know how to get there, and I assured him that I knew the way.

Dave followed my instructions, but made the occasional comment, “Honey, I don’t think this is the right way.”

Finally, fed up with his lack of confidence in me, I said in my unmistakable “don’t-mess-with-me” tone, “I know where we are going!” Then with added frustration I spurted, “You never, never think I’m right!” Once I had released those extreme words, more tumbled right out of my mouth, “You never listen to me! I know where they live! I remember! You go up this street, and you go up a hill to a cul-de-sac, and their house will be right there. Don’t tell me I’m not right.”

Silence filled the car and I felt warm with satisfaction knowing I had him this time. He turned the car in the direction I had insisted was right, went up the hill where we found neither a cul-de-sac nor even a house! When you are sitting in an empty field with “egg on your face” for having boasted of knowledge that you didn’t have, you begin to become more open-minded to other people’s ideas.

God had to let me go through several situations to help me realize that it’s not worth arguing over who’s right. Many times you think you are right, when in reality, you are not. Humility often comes only through being humiliated. These types of things were very humiliating to me, but they helped break the strong spirit of pride in my soul.

I have learned to say, “Well, honey, I think this is the way to go. But I have been wrong lots of times before. You go whichever way you feel is the wisest to go.” I just pitch it back on Dave and give him a chance to show me how smart he is.

When we humble ourselves before our husbands, one of two things happens. Our opposition will soften enough to listen to us, which they will not do if we are arguing with them, so that a door can open for God to give us both true wisdom. Or if the other person is in an attitude of haughtiness that he shouldn’t be in, our own humility will afford him the opportunity to make enough mistakes that he will feel free to listen when we have a suggestion.

Strife is caused by pointless arguments and ill-informed controversies. According to 2 Timothy 2:23 Paul says,

But refuse (shut your mind against, have nothing to do with) trifling (ill-informed, unedifying, stupid) controversies over ignorant questionings, for you know that they foster strife and breed quarrels.

You can tell when a conversation is beginning to stir strife and spare yourself of many arguments. It is not difficult to discern if a conversation is agitating the other person. Or if you are starting to get mad, starting to shout or can feel all the blood rushing to your head, you should stop talking about the subject and try again later. If your husband’s face is all contorted and you think, My, he looks strange, you are probably making him mad and should back off. That’s a signal that you have said too much and that it’s time to be quiet! I know that is downright, practical advice and would seem to be pretty obvious, but it is amazing how many of us just plough on through closed doors with our improper timing and wonder why the other person is irritated at us.

Sometimes when Dave and I are going somewhere, I think Dave is choosing the longer route. What sense does it make to insist that we go my way, if both ways will get us there? For example, there are two ways to reach our hardware store. When Dave drives there, I am sure he’s taking the longer route and the challenge begins.