Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (18 page)

Sam:       “Well, I’d better go then.”

There are ways to get an argument with an expert right. Here are some key principles:

Respect the expert

Most experts deserve their status. But not all. Still, there’s nothing to be gained by not showing due respect. Many professionals have power and considerable experience. They will be used to dealing with “difficult customers.” Annoying them, wasting their time, or not acknowledging their expertise will not get you anywhere. No one likes being contradicted, but experts in particular are likely to be offended.

Unless they have invited you to do otherwise, call them “Ms. X,” “Mr. Y” or “Dr. Z.” Never suggest you know more than they do. Make sure you arrive on time for all appointments. All of these little things will mean they’re more likely to listen to you.

Prepare

Remember Golden Rule 1. Some people find seeing a doctor, lawyer or other professional intimidating and daunting. It’s especially important, therefore, to think in advance about what you want to say. It may even help to write it out beforehand. It’s quite common for people to visit a doctor and leave finding that somehow they have never gotten around to talking about the thing they were really worried about. It may even be helpful (if you’re feeling very intimidated) to hand over to the professional a short note of the main points you want to raise. Indeed, they may find that the most effective use of their time.

In the case of a doctor’s visit, if you have heard of other treatments for your condition, be ready to cite the source (e.g. website) of your information. When dealing with any professional, being able to substantiate what you’re saying by referring to either a newspaper article or expert source gives weight to your argument.

Similarly, if you are approaching a bank for a loan, be prepared. Make sure you know your key financial details. Show that you have thought through the issue carefully as a prudent customer of the bank should!

Be concise and precise

Often the professional will want to know only the salient points of your story, not the full story. They’re going to be interested primarily in the key facts, so think beforehand about what they need to know. If you’re telling a doctor about a fall they don’t need to know the long story of how you got to the place where you fell! Tell them what you think are the main facts. They are likely to ask you questions about the things they really need to know about.

One minute telling them the key facts and nine minutes answering their questions is likely to be a better use of time for each of you rather than ten minutes of you talking, probably with lots of irrelevant information. Try to present your information logically. If you’re instructing an architect, by spending ten minutes describing your ideas and fifty minutes answering their questions you will have a more productive time than fifty minutes of you talking and ten minutes of questions.

Remember you are both experts

Just because someone is an expert in a topic does
not
mean they are an expert in everything. You are the expert in what is happening in your life. It is amazing how some people seem to think that because they’re knowledgeable in one topic they can pontificate on anything. So, just because a doctor or a lawyer knows a lot about medicine or law does not mean they know everything about
you.
Indeed, remember:

You are the expert on you!

When you’re talking to a doctor, the doctor knows about medicine but cannot explain how you’re feeling. Your doctor might be an expert on psoriasis, but you are the expert on how psoriasis affects you.

Fortunately many doctors realize this. The old days, when the doctor told you what was wrong with you and what to do, are largely gone. Usually these days, doctors will give you information on available treatments and discuss with you what is best. Sometimes people find that disconcerting, but it normally works for the best. But hopefully you will not find a doctor like this example (a true conversation):

Getting it wrong

Doctor (reading case notes): “Ah, I see you’ve a boy and a girl.”

Patient:  “No, two girls.”

Doctor:  “Really, are you sure? Thought it said . . . (checks in case notes) oh no, you’re quite right, two girls.”

Likewise, when you are dealing with your child’s head teacher, remember you are the expert on your child. They are an expert on education, but you know your child inside and out and can be their advocate in that situation.

Most experts deal with norms

Most experts will have standard ways of dealing with cases of a particular kind. There are general principles of guidance that they will follow in certain kinds of cases. These generally are well-proven treatments or forms of action. Normally they work well. But if you feel that the advice given is not appropriate for you, then you’re going to have to explain why you are not a “norm.” Acknowledge that for most people the advice given will be excellent, but explain why you think your case is different.

Remember, you are the expert on you. The cardiac consultant or lawyer will have met you and will be dealing with you on the facts presented to them as a “31-year-old female” (or whatever). They do not know you personally. They cannot know you might not be a typical case unless you tell them. You need to explain what makes you you!

Don’t be afraid to ask questions

If you’re unhappy with the answers you’re getting don’t be afraid to ask questions, politely!

Useful examples

“Are there any other alternatives you could suggest?”

“I must admit none of the options you propose is attractive, is there nothing else?”

“Could you explain a bit more why you think that particular option is better than ...?”

Medically speaking, don’t forget you have a right to refuse treatment. It’s your body and you always have the right to say “no.” If you don’t feel happy about the advice given you can always tell the doctor you need time to think about it. A good doctor will respect that.

Many cases where a doctor makes a wrong medical diagnosis or a lawyer gives faulty advice flow from the patient or client not disclosing all the relevant facts. If you have concerns or issues you think are important, speak up! And try not to be embarrassed. Most doctors and lawyers have heard all sorts of bizarre things. It’s better to be embarrassed and get the best advice, than unembarrassed but with bad advice.

It’s very important with a doctor or lawyer that you are clear on what advice or information you have been given. There have been some terrible stories of patients incorrectly understanding how they were meant to take their medication. If you’re not sure what you have been told, ask that the professional explain it again. Or maybe better, ask them to write to you with the information.

If after you get home you remember things you forgot to say that you think might be important, get back in touch with the professional. Most doctors and lawyers can be contacted by phone and so there’s normally no need to make a full appointment. At worst you will be wasting their time, but by contacting them you might be avoiding a terrible decision being made.

I’ve focused primarily on doctors and lawyers in explaining this point, but it goes without saying that the principle applies to all professionals you deal with. Ask questions. Don’t worry about looking stupid. Even if you think it might be an obvious question, if it’s one that is bothering you, ask it! In many of these relationships, you are the paying customer and therefore have the right to take as much time as you wish in getting things sorted to your satisfaction.

Check the expert

Even after you have asked questions, there’s nothing wrong in asking for further information if you still feel unhappy. Any good professional will realize that bad news can be hard to accept and that hearing the same message from several sources may help.

Useful examples

“Thank you so much for explaining all of this. There’s a lot to think about. Is there anything I can read about this to explain it further? Is there a good website?”

“What you’ve said is very disappointing news. I think it would help me to discuss this with someone else. Is there anyone you can recommend?”

Do feel free to check what the expert has said with what you can find on the Internet, or by asking friends or other professionals. If your mortgage adviser has given surprising advice, get another opinion. Check mortgage and bank websites for facts.

On the other hand, don’t assume that your doctor must be wrong if an Internet article or what your friend’s doctor recommended is different from what your doctor said to you. There may be a very good reason why your friend’s situation is different from your own. But don’t be afraid to go back to your doctor and respectfully ask why there is a difference if it’s worrying you.

Difficult experts

So far I have assumed that your doctor, lawyer or other professional is a reasonable person. But that’s not always so. There are some professionals who come across as arrogant and conceited. We’re meant to feel very lucky to be honored with their presence. Especially if you’re feeling under the weather already, dealing with such a person can be difficult.

Remember that most experts at the top of their profession do not act in this way. Indeed, the fact that the person is trying to appear superior may well indicate a lack of self-confidence. It may be best in such a case to find an alternative professional. If that’s not possible, here’s some advice.

First, don’t make the assumption that because the person has no social skills they’re not good at their job. Secondly, don’t take any rudeness personally. It’s very unlikely your doctor or lawyer has taken a personal dislike to you. They probably treat everyone like that. That’s no excuse, but it may help to accept that the person you’re dealing with is a difficult person. Thirdly, don’t become aggressive or arrogant yourself. Ask in a simple, calm way for the situation to be explained further. Finally, don’t forget you can always ask to see another professional. There’s no reason why you should put up with rudeness if it means you’re not getting the service you need.

If you are stuck with a professional, you need to use your best tactics in how you go about the argument. Remember Golden Rule 3: it’s not only what you say but how you say it. Reasoning with a nurse at a nursing home who looks after your elderly relative needs careful handling. Stay calm, be reasonable, use flattery if necessary, and otherwise “handle” the professional to get what you want.

Complaining further

Nearly all professionals belong to a professional organization. If you really are unhappy you can complain to them. At least that way you should receive some kind of explanation. However, most
professional bodies will only take action against professionals where they have clearly fallen well below the expected standard.

Getting it right

Doctor:     “I’m not sure why you’re here again. I told you last week that you’re fine and there’s nothing wrong with you.”

Sam:         “Thank you very much for seeing me again. Since last week I have had sharp pains here and here.”

Doctor:     “Well, I examined you thoroughly last week and there was nothing wrong.”

Sam:         “I understand that, but these pains are new and they’re really worrying me. It would be very reassuring if you could examine me again.”

Doctor:     “All right, let’s have a look.”

Summary

With professionals, remain polite and respectful. Remember that although they have expertise only you really know all there is to know about you. If you feel that the advice being given is inappropriate you need to explain why you’re not a typical case. Ask questions. Check what the professional has advised against other sources. Remember, at the end of the day you must make the decision whether to follow the advice. The choice is yours.

In practice

Become adroit at using the Internet to check up on information about the problems you’re facing. Learn to ask questions of your professional. Make sure you understand their advice and that you have answered their questions carefully.

Chapter 16. Arguing when you know you’re in the wrong

Oh dear! Our argument that seemed so convincing earlier in the day is collapsing around us. The facts we were so certain about now appear mistaken. The logic of the argument that seemed so clear is now tarnished. It’s obvious that the argument is lost. It has happened to us all. What to do?

Getting it wrong

Mary:       “So, I’m afraid that Alfred’s argument is based on figures that seem dubious and he has overlooked the alternative possibility that I have advocated.”

Alfred:     “Mary has completely misrepresented my argument and my points. We shouldn’t listen to her.”

Mary:       “Alfred, I can go over the figures again if you like.”

Alfred:     “I think we’re bored enough already.”

Mary:       “Shall we adopt my proposal? I can back up my proposal and yours has holes that would sink a ship.”