Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (22 page)

In practice

If you win an argument be quick to encourage and build up the other person. Avoid any boasting about your victory. Invite the other person to join you on a project.

Chapter 20. To recap

So now you’re well equipped to succeed in arguing. Let’s finish with a recap of our
Ten Golden Rules
.

1. Be prepared
. Make sure you know the essential points you want to make. Research the facts you need to convince your opponent.

2. When to argue, when to walk away
. Think carefully before you start to argue: is this the time; is this the place?

3. What you say and how you say it
. Spend time thinking about how to present your argument. Body language, choice of words and manner of speaking all affect how your argument will come across.

4. Listen and listen again
. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Watch their body language, listen for the meaning behind their words.

5. Excel at responding to arguments
. Think carefully about what arguments the other person will listen to. What are their preconceptions? Which kinds of arguments do they find convincing?

6. Watch out for crafty tricks
. Arguments are not always as good as they first appear. Be wary of your opponent’s use of statistics. Keep alert for distraction techniques such as personal attacks and red herrings. Look out for concealed questions and false choices.

7. Develop the skills for arguing in public.
Keep it simple and clear. Be brief and don’t rush.

8. Be able to argue in writing
. Always choose clarity over pomposity. Be short, sharp and to the point, using language that is easily understood.

9. Be great at resolving deadlock
. Be creative in finding ways out of an argument that’s going nowhere. Is it time to look at the issue from another angle? Are there ways of putting pressure on so that the other person has to agree with you? Is a compromise possible?

10. Maintain relationships
. This is absolutely key. What do you want from this argument? Humiliating, embarrassing or aggravating your opponent might make you feel good at the time, but you might have many lonely days to rue your mistake. Find a result that works for both of you. You need to move forward. Then you will be able to argue again another time!

Index

ad hominem
argument
67

addressing other person’s arguments
44
–
5

agreeing to disagree
187

alliance with listener, forming
62

alternatives, considering
108

analagous situations
74
–
5

analogies
38

anger

children
140
–
3

physical warning signs
36

triggers
36

apologies
114
–
15
,
127
,
180
–
2

arbitration
109

assumptions
47
–
8

attacking the person
67
–
8

avoiding arguments
20
–
2
,
186

at work
147
–
8

complaining
156

pros and cons
201

bankers
see
experts

Barry, Dave
114

“begging the question”
81
–
2

bias
9

bifurcation
71

Billings, Josh
87

blogs
98
,
101

body language
37
–
8

Borg, James,
Body Language
37

brainstorming
150

brevity
28

bribes, children
135
–
6

burden of proof
30
,
159

Bush, George W.
71

causation
68
–
9

causes of arguments, between partners
192

children
133
–
44

angry
140
–
3

corporal punishment
138

general principles
138
–
40

guilt
137
–
8

logic
136
–
7

power
137

praising
139

rewards/bribes
135
–
6

teenagers
143
–
4

threats, use of
134
–
5

choice, false
71
–
3

circular argument
78

clarity
27
–
8

closing argument
105
–
7
,
179

common ground
49
,
62

compensation
158
–
60

complaining
155
–
64

about experts
173
–
4

avoiding argument
156

compensation
158
–
60

legal rights
161

politeness
157
–
8

preparation
157

reasonableness
158

who to complain to
160
–
1

compliments
50

compromise agreements
107
–
8

concealed questions
78
–
9

conclusions, challenging
59
–
60

confidence
18

confidentiality
18

contingent solution
51

continual arguments
185
–
93

agreeing to disagree
187

humor
187
–
8

is it worth it?
189
–
90

leaving
190
–
1

resolution
186

convincing other person
46
–
7

corporal punishment
138

counter-argument
32

dead horse
188

deadlock
109
–
10

doctors
see
experts

doormats
197
–
203

learn to say no
198
–
200

protecting yourself
201

email
98
–
100

loss of nuance
99
–
100

embarrassment
106
–
7

emotional associations, use of
33
–
4

emotional preparation
19
–
20

empowerment
39
–
40

ending argument
105
–
7
,
179

entering arguments

points to consider
17
–
20

emotional preparation
19
–
20

information required
19

is productive outcome possible
17
–
18

private or public
18
–
19

readiness of other person
20

enthusiasm
29

experts
58
,
167
–
74

asking questions
170
–
2

checking advice
172

complaining
173
–
4

difficult
173

preparation
168

respecting
167
–
8

facts
7
–
12

challenging
57
–
9

lack of agreement on
50
–
1

see also
information

false choice
71
–
3

fanatics
18

flattery
107

formality
19

framing argument
6
–
7

generalizations
73
–
4

avoiding
12

goods, faulty
161

getting help
162
–
3

legal rights
161

group support
19

guilt, children
137
–
8

handouts
92
–
3

Hendricks, Gay
124

honesty
178

at work
150
–
1

hostile association
80
–
1

humor
32
–
3
,
187
–
8

“illicit” process
70

inability to agree
50
–
1

inertia
105
–
7

information

reliability
9
–
11

required
19

sources
8

insoluble issue
21
–
2

intensifiers
38

Internet, as information source
8

interruptions
44

intimidation
19

keeping “cool”
35
–
7

Krutch, Joseph
6

language

analogies
38

intensifiers
38

pronouns
50

terminology
38

use of colorful
38
–
9

use of “we”
50

lawyers
see
experts

like cases
74
–
5

listening
43
–
52
,
125

percentage of time spent
43

literalism
79
–
80

logic
6

children
136
–
7

conclusion
6

premise
6

losing
116
–
17

meetings, presentation
93

negatives, dangers of
69
–
70

no, learning to say
198
–
200

outcome required
5
,
17
–
18
,
127
–
8

partners
123
–
8
,
189
,
190
–
1

apologies
127

common causes of arguments
192

counseling
190

listening
125

positive outcome
127
–
8

reconciliation
127
–
8

time and place
124

useful phrases
128
–
9

Pascal, Blaise, wager
72

petitio principii
81

phrases

to use when you do not know what to say
87

useful, partners
128
–
9

Pirie, Madsen
57

place

arguments at work
148

partners
124

politeness, complaining
157
–
8

Popper, Karl vi

positive outcome
127
–
8

power, children
137

PowerPoint
93

praise, children
139

prejudices
47
–
8

preparation
5
–
13

complaining
157

emotional
19
–
20

experts
168

presentation
12
–
13
,
27
–
37

abusive analogy
34
–
5

brevity
28

burden of proof
30

clarity
27
–
8

counter-argument
32

enthusiasm
29

getting start right
29

keeping “cool”
35
–
7

in meeting
93

use of emotional associations
33
–
4

use of humor
32
–
3

private or public argument
18
–
19

professionals
see
experts