Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (26 page)

Think about your life. How much of your effectiveness as a parent, employee, leader, spouse, friend, volunteer—whatever role you are playing—occurs as a result of the power or status of your position?

Honestly answer the following questions. Be sure to consider both your professional and work situations as you do.

1. Why do others respond positively to me when I request something from them?

In my personal life:

_______________________________________________________

In my work life:

_______________________________________________________

2. If I had no authority to give direction, how likely is it that others would choose to respond positively to my direction?

In my personal life:

_______________________________________________________

In my work life:

_______________________________________________________

If your responses to these two questions indicate that you rely heavily upon the power, status, or position of the role you are in, you might want to think about that. If you are dependent upon “because I said so” to accomplish results in any part of your life, just think about it and how that might be impacting your personal credibility. Although position or status might help you gain short-term results or superficial respect from others, it rarely sustains for long periods of time. People who establish and maintain strong personal credibility have come to understand that their personal credibility factor is based on what they do—not the position or role that they have.

Chapter Two. Secret #2: I Can See Right Through You

You might be a pet owner
or know one. Most of us who have been around pets in urban or suburban areas are familiar with invisible fences. The little dog comes outside, runs around the perimeter of the yard, and might bark like crazy when someone passes by. The invisible fence, combined with the collar the dog is wearing, keeps the dog safely inside the yard. The dog stays safe from passing vehicles; the neighbors stay safe from a possible dog bite. All is well!

The Human Invisible Fence

People can have invisible fences, too. Just as with an invisible pet fence, we cannot see the invisible fence someone might place around himself, but the presence of the fence can greatly impact what happens when we interact with the person who has the fence activated. Most of us even have a built-in alarm that sounds when we sense the other person has the invisible fence activated!

Authenticity: We Know It When It’s Not There

Think about someone you have known who has had a tendency to brag or enlarge the truth on a regular basis. This person, over time, loses credibility with you. Usually, this person is someone you would not describe as authentic or real. Over time, you are likely to lose trust in anything this person says. Indeed, this person will definitely lose personal credibility as a result of this behavior. What is going on with this person? Well, it’s likely this person has erected a very strong invisible fence. She wants others to see her in a way that is different than what she really believes about herself. Typically, her self-image is usually negative for some reason. Eventually, your reaction will be, “If you can’t be sincere and honest in what you say or how you share information, I can’t trust you. You brag and enlarge the truth. You aren’t for real. And If I can’t trust you, I don’t want a close relationship with you.” Ultimately, this person has lost personal credibility because she has lost your trust.

Or consider others you have known who are very stiff or stilted in their communication with you. It’s difficult to get a sense of who this person really is. This individual is likely to open up very little to anyone and reveals little about himself. He keeps everyone at arm’s length—almost as if there is a wall surrounding him. He keeps most everyone
outside
his invisible fence. The result is that others find it
difficult to trust someone who is so unwilling to demonstrate openness and authenticity. The invisible fence this person has activated creates a distance with others, decreases trust, and, ultimately, decreases the opportunity for this person to build trusting relationships with him. Others will simply say, “If you don’t trust me enough to be sincere and open, I really can’t trust you either.” Without trust from others, this individual loses personal credibility.

Personal credibility is dependent upon the ability to inspire trust and respect in others.

When someone behaves in a way that makes sense to us and inspires us to trust him or her as being authentic and real, that person increases personal credibility. And the opposite is true as well. When we interact with someone who is unwilling or unable to be sincere and authentic, we lose trust. In our eyes, that person loses personal credibility. It’s a trust thing!

When something is transparent, we can see through it. Nothing is hidden, no barriers exist, and nothing is covered up. When
someone
is transparent, we know that we are seeing the “true” person. But, transparency is more than being truthful—it is being truthful in a way that others can easily detect. When someone is transparent, and clearly demonstrates behaviors that others value and trust, personal credibility is much more easily achieved. This person is believable—is secure enough in his/her own skin to put up no “fronts” or masks. However, when those barriers are in place, it is as if the person has an invisible fence around him. Although we can’t visually see the fence, most of us sense it immediately. The opportunity to be transparent and authentic is there for every human on Earth. It does require that we examine our own invisible fences—and then decide if we can or should deactivate them.

The Silent Alarm System

Most of us have a certain degree of intuition about other people. Think of it as your HIFA (Human Invisible Fence Antennae)—your ability to interact with someone briefly and determine this person’s sincerity, authenticity, and comfort with simply being themselves. (There is a more commonly used term that might be more familiar: your bullsh__ detector!) When you interact, your subconscious is busy determining if this person is being real—or if there is some type of barrier that causes you to question the individual’s believability. When your “HIFA” alarm sounds, you might not know why, you just know it is there. You might have sensed this alarm when someone is “putting up a front,” which we usually sense as someone being phony or when we sense that someone is closing themselves off or hiding something. Either way, most of us sense that invisible fence pretty quickly.

What is this invisible fence and where does it come from? All of us have one—we just engage it differently based on our circumstances!

When someone has activated his or her protective invisible fence, it is much more difficult to accurately read this person. You can somehow sense that he or she is protecting or distancing their true self for some reason. That person might just have the fence activated temporarily or it might be more of a permanent fixture.

It All Begins with Accepting Our Own Human Warts

Individuals who possess strong personal credibility have an authenticity about them that is detectable. The invisible fence doesn’t seem to exist. No alarm sounds when we interact with this person. They give an “I am who I am” impression to others. Typically, the more transparent people are, the less inclined they are at
trying
to impress others. Now, this doesn’t mean they don’t care about others or the
impact they have on them—quite the opposite. It means simply that the focus is not on, “What are you thinking of
me
?” but instead on, “How can I better know and understand
you
?”

Individuals who are transparent in a positive and genuine way are typically self-accepting. They understand that they are imperfect beings. They know they mess up, make mistakes, and don’t have all the answers. They are strong enough to accept this, and then go about the process of living their life by internally acknowledging imperfections and challenges—and learning from them. They expect others to make mistakes, too. As a result, there is no real need to activate the invisible fence, but rather a need to identify the mistake, learn the lesson, and then move on. We demonstrate our own self-acceptance through our willingness to develop and practice respectful yet open, honest, and straightforward communication processes. We’ll explore all sorts of ways later in the book to achieve that type of communication and, as a result, increase the opportunity for increased personal credibility.

This might be one of the more difficult to understand—as well as difficult to change—areas of personal credibility. Those invisible fences have often been in place for a long time, sometimes a lifetime, and they feel so much a part of us that we honestly don’t even realize they are there. And, there could be a million reasons—often very legitimate ones—that someone has chosen to activate the fence to protect something about himself.

Typically, we build our fences
when we lack confidence
for some reason.

When we activate our invisible fence, we begin to
act in a way that we believe is either more acceptable to others or one that we perceive to be safe
—versus being our true and imperfect selves. We learn to trade in our
authenticity
for
acting
because we convince ourselves that our act is more acceptable.

Invisible Fences Don’t All Look Alike

The invisible fence can activate in a variety of ways. A very successful business entrepreneur, “Pete,” is extremely engaging when interacting with others. He is sociable, humorous, and has very persuasive communication skills. When first meeting Pete, most people react quickly with, “What a great guy!” He is gifted at remembering a few facts about everyone and is impressive with his ability to recall names and facts about people for years! Over time, though, people who know him do not describe Pete as being authentic or transparent. Instead, he tends to send a signal of, “Watch out—I have some ulterior motive for my behavior.” After learning more about Pete, many realize that he is inclined to make cruel comments about others behind their backs while simultaneously building their egos to their faces. Those around Pete eventually lose trust in him because he is acting as if he is genuinely interested in others, but his behavior suggests the opposite. Ultimately, others realize that Pete does not demonstrate authenticity—and he loses trust from others.

“Donna” also activates her invisible fence—but in a different way. While her parents and siblings are very close-knit, she just doesn’t feel like she is accepted within her family. So, she stays very distant, only seeing her family at major holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas. She is invited to attend all family functions, but she doesn’t enjoy being there, and she usually declines invitations. Donna’s family members can sense her invisible fence when she enters a room—it is almost as if it sends off tiny shock waves. In truth, the family is simply reacting to Donna’s actions when she’s around them. She is very detached, and her body language communicates her discomfort. She barely speaks unless making sarcastic remarks, gives stiff, almost perfunctory hello and goodbye hugs, and leaves these gatherings as quickly as she possibly can. Donna doesn’t share her thoughts and feelings with her family. She’s keeping a lot closed in
behind that invisible fence—and her family sees only someone who is always critical, stiff, and distant—never truly open or authentic! Donna’s personal credibility has been impaired with her family for several other reasons that we’ll discuss later. For now, just understand that she is extremely guarded with her family and shares virtually nothing about herself. Her invisible fence seems nearly impenetrable.

What do Pete and Donna have in common? Certainly at least one thing: Both are behaving in a way that causes others to have distrust because there is a lack of genuine
authenticity.
Pete behaves in a way that he thinks will cause others to accept him. He compliments others, builds them up to their face, and
acts
like he believes others are important. But he then destroys the respect he is trying to gain when he frequently behaves in the opposite manner by demeaning others in comments and actions behind their backs. Pete believes he is gaining others’ respect, but the opposite is true.

Donna, who we will explore further in future chapters, has made many, many mistakes in her interactions with her family. But, rather than accepting and acknowledging her mistakes, even to herself, she keeps her family distanced from her physically and emotionally. She shares nothing about her life, she connects only when she feels she must, she is distant and cold, and, therefore, family members have no basis for trusting her. Their reaction is, “If all you give is criticism and a cold shoulder to us, how can we know who you really are and what you really think? How can we trust you?”

“Nellie” has seven siblings—three “natural” siblings and four “step” siblings. The family “blending” occurred when the eight children were between the ages of 16 and 22. Now, the brothers and sisters are in their fifties. Nellie is the youngest. Today, all eight enjoy each other and manage to get together as a family periodically, even though their parents are deceased. Like most families, this one is spread across the country and it’s difficult to remain close. Nellie,
however, has somehow maintained her close relationship with all her siblings—both natural and step. When you ask the family to describe Nellie, the first thing you hear is, “She is the most genuine and authentic person I know.” If Nellie has an invisible fence, no one has ever sensed it. Her authenticity and confidence is what shines through. She is filled with joy and laughter, but she also has the same challenges with sadness, frustration, and anger as anyone else. She’s just someone who is always the genuine, real, human being—no matter what! Regardless of the relationship between others in her family, each sibling easily reaches out to Nellie and has a close, meaningful relationship with her.