Man and Superman and Three Other Plays (42 page)

RICHARD It is not the money, General. But to be swindled by a pig-headed lunatic like King George—

SWINDON
[scandalised]
Chut, sir—silence!

SERGEANT
[in stentorian tones, greatly shocked]
Silence!

BURGOYNE
[unruffled]
Ah, that is another point of view. My position does not allow of my going into that, except in private. But
[shrugging his shoulders]
of course, Mr. Anderson, if you are determined to be hanged [
JUDITH flinches
] there's nothing more to be said. An unusual taste! however
[with a final shrug
]—!

SWINDON
[to BURGOYNE]
Shall we call witnesses?

RICHARD What need is there of witnesses? If the townspeople here had listened to me, you would have found the streets barricaded, the houses loopholed, and the people in arms to hold the town against you to the last man. But you arrived, unfortunately, before we had got out of the talking stage; and then it was too late.

SWINDON
[severely]
Well, sir, we shall teach you and your townspeople a lesson they will not forget. Have you anything more to say?

RICHARD I think you might have the decency to treat me as a prisoner of war, and shoot me like a man instead of hanging me like a dog.

BURGOYNE
[sympothetically]
Now there, Mr. Anderson, you talk like a civilian, if you will excuse my saying so. Have you any idea of the average marksmanship of the army of His Majesty King George the Third? If we make you up a firing party, what will happen? Half of them will miss you: the rest will make a mess of the business and leave you to the provo-marshal's pistol. Whereas we can hang you in a perfectly workmanlike and agreeable way.
[Kindly]
Let me persuade you to be hanged, Mr. Anderson?

JUDITH
[sick with horror]
My God!

RICHARD
[to JUDITH]
Your promise!
[to BURGOYNE]
Thank you, General: that view of the case did not occur to me before. To oblige you, I withdraw my objection to the rope. Hang me, by all means.

BURGOYNE
[smoothly]
Will i 2 o‘clock suit you, Mr. Anderson?

RICHARD I shall be at your disposal then, General.

BURGOYNE
[rising]
Nothing more to be said, gentlemen.
[They all rise].

JUDITH
[rushing to the table]
Oh, you are not going to murder a man like that, without a proper trial—without thinking of what you are doing—without—
[she cannot find words].

RICHARD Is this how you keep your promise?

JUDITH If I am not to speak, you must. Defend yourself: save yourself: tell them the truth.

RICHARD
[worriedly]
I have told them truth enough to hang me ten times over. If you say another word you will risk other lives; but you will not save mine.

BURGOYNE My good lady, our only desire is to save unpleasantness. What satisfaction would it give you to have a solemn fuss made, with my friend Swindon in a black cap and so forth? I am sure we are greatly indebted to the admirable tact and gentlemanly feeling shewn by your husband.

JUDITH
[throwing the words in his face
] Oh, you are mad. Is it nothing to you what wicked thing you do if only you do it like a gentleman ? Is it nothing to you whether you are a murderer or not, if only you murder in a red coat? [
Desperately
] You shall not hang him: that man is not my husband.

RICHARD I appeal to you, gentlemen, to put an end to this. She will not believe that she cannot save me. Break up the court.

BURGOYNE
[in a voice so quiet and firm that it restores silence at once]
One moment, Mr. Anderson. One moment, gentlemen.
[He resumes his seat. SWINDON and
the
officers follow his example].
Let me understand you clearly, madam. Do you mean that this gentleman is not your husband, or merely—I wish to put this with all delicacy—that you are not his wife?

JUDITH I dont know what you mean. I say that he is not my husband—that my husband has escaped. This man took his place to save him. Ask anyone in the town—send out into the street for the first person you find there, and bring him in as a witness. He will tell you that the prisoner is not Anthony Anderson.

BURGOYNE
[quietly, as before]
Sergeant.

SERGEANT Yes sir.

BURGOYNE Go out into the street and bring in the first townsman you see there.

SERGEANT
[making for the door]
Yes sir.

BURGOYNE
[as the SERGEANT passes]
The first clean, sober townsman you see.

SERGEANT Yes, sir.
[He goes out].

BURGOYNE Sit down, Mr. Anderson—if I may call you so for the present.
[RICHARD sits down].
Sit down, madam, whilst we wait. Give the lady a newspaper.

RICHARD
[indignantly]
Shame!

BURGOYNE
[keenly, with a half smile]
If you are not her husband, sir, the case is not a serious one—for her.
[RICHARD bites his lip, silenced] .

JUDITH
[to RICHARD, as she returns to her seat]
I couldnt help it.
[He shakes his head. She sits down].

BURGOYNE You will understand of course, Mr. Anderson, that you must not build on this little incident. We are bound to make an example of somebody.

RICHARD I quite understand. I suppose there's no use in my explaining.

BURGOYNE I think we should prefer independent testimony, if you dont mind.

SERGEANT
[giving BURGOYNE the packet]
Dispatches, sir. Delivered by a corporal of the 53rd. Dead beat with hard riding, sir.
BURGOYNE opens the dispatches, and presently becomes absorbed in them. They are so serious as to take his attention completely from the court martial.

THE SERGEANT
[to CHRISTY
] Now then. Attention; and take your hat off.
[He posts himself in charge of CHRISTY, who stands on BURGOYNE's side of the court].

RICHARD
[in his usual bullying tone to CHRISTYJ
Dont be frightened, you fool: youre only wanted as a witness. Theyre not going to hang you.

SWINDON What's your name?

CHRISTY Christy.

RICHARD
[impatiently]
Christopher Dudgeon, you blatant idiot. Give your full name.

SWINDON Be silent, prisoner. You must not prompt the witness.

RICHARD Very well. But I warn you youll get nothing out of him unless you shake it out of him. He has been too well brought up by a pious mother to have any sense or manhood left in him.

BURGOYNE
[springing up and speaking to the SERGEANT in a startling voice]
Where is the man who brought these?

SERGEANT In the guard-room, sir.

SWINDON
[to CHRISTY]
Do you know Anthony Anderson, the Presbyterian minister?

CHRISTY Of course I do
[implying
that
SWINDON must be an ass not to know it].

SWINDON Is he here?

CHRISTY
[staring round]
I dont know.

SWINDON Do you see him?

CHRISTY No.

SWINDON You seem to know the prisoner?

CHRISTY Do you mean Dick?

SWINDON Which is Dick?

CHRISTY
[pointing to RICHARD]
Him.

SWINDON What is his name?

CHRISTY Dick.

RICHARD Answer properly, you jumping jackass. What do they know about Dick?

CHRISTY Well, you are Dick, aint you? What am I to say?

SWINDON Address me, sir; and do you, prisoner, be silent. Tell us who the prisoner is.

CHRISTY He's my brother Dick—Richard—Richard Dudgeon. SWINDON Your brother!

CHRISTY Yes.

SWINDON You are sure he is not Anderson.

CHRISTY Who?

RICHARD [
exasperatedly
] Me, me, me, you—

SWINDON Silence, sir.

SERGEANT
[shouting]
Silence.

RICHARD
[impatiently]
Yah!
[To
CHRISTY] He wants to know am I Minister Anderson. Tell him, and stop grinning like a zany.

CHRISTY
[grinning more than ever]
You Pastor Anderson!
(To
SWINDON] Why, Mr. Anderson's a minister—a very good man; and Dick's a bad character: the respectable people wont speak to him. He's the bad brother: I'm the good one.
[The officers laugh outright. The soldiers grin].

SWINDON Who arrested this man?

SERGEANT I did, sir. I found him in the minister's house, sitting at tea with the lady with his coat off, quite at home. If he isnt married to her, he ought to be.

SWINDON Did he answer to the minister's name?

SERGEANT Yes sir, but not to a minister's nature. You ask the chaplain, sir.

SWINDON
[to RICHARD, threateningly]
So, sir you have attempted to cheat us. And your name is Richard Dudgeon?

RICHARD Youve found it out at last, have you?

SWINDON Dudgeon is a name well known to us, eh?

RICHARD Yes: Peter Dudgeon, whom you murdered, was my uncle.

SWINDON Hm!
[He compresses his lips, and looks at RICHARD with vindictive gravity].

CHRISTY Are they going to hang you, Dick?

RICHARD Yes. Get out: theyve done with you.

CHRISTY And I may keep the china peacocks?

RICHARD
[jumping up]
Get out. Get out, you blithering baboon, you.
(CHRISTY flies, panicstricken].

SWINDON [
rising
—
all rise]
Since you have taken the minister's place, Richard Dudgeon, you shall go through with it. The execution will take place at 12 o‘clock as arranged; and unless Anderson surrenders before then you shall take his place on the gallows. Sergeant: take your man out.

JUDITH [
distracted
] No, no—

SWINDON
[fiercely, dreading a renewal of her entreaties]
Take that woman away.

RICHARD
[springing across the table with a tiger-like bound, and seizing SWINDON by the throat)
You infernal scoundrel—

BURGOYNE
[advancing to the table, elaborately cool]
What is this? Whats happening? Mr. Anderson: I'm astonished at you.

RICHARD I am sorry I disturbed you, General. I merely wanted to strangle your understrapper there.
[Breaking out violently at SWINDON]
Why do you raise the devil in me by bullying the woman like that? You oatmeal faced dog, I'd twist your cursed head off with the greatest satisfaction.
[He puts out his hands to the
SERGEANT] Here: handcuff me, will you; or I'll not undertake to keep my fingers off him.

BURGOYNE Have you addressed profane language to the lady, Major Swindon?

SWINDON
[very angry]
No, sir, certainly not. That question should not have been put to me. I ordered the woman to be removed, as she was disorderly; and the fellow sprang at me. Put away those handcuffs. I am perfectly able to take care of myself.

RICHARD Now you talk like a man, I have no quarrel with you.

BURGOYNE Mr. Anderson—

SWINDON His name is Dudgeon, sir, Richard Dudgeon. He is an impostor.

BURGOYNE [
brusquely
] Nonsense, sir; you hanged Dudgeon at Springtown.

RICHARD It was my uncle, General.

BURGOYNE Oh, your uncle.
[To SWINDON, handsomely]
I beg your pardon, Major Swindon. [SWINDON
acknowledges the apology stiffly. BURGOYNE turns to RICHARD].
We are somewhat unfortunate in our relations with your family. Well, Mr. Dudgeon, what I wanted to ask you is this: Who is
[reading the name from the letter
] William Maindeck Parshotter?

RICHARD He is the Mayor of Springtown.

BURGOYNE Is William—Maindeck and so on—a man of his word?

RICHARD Is he selling you anything?

BURGOYNE No.

RICHARD Then you may depend on him.

BURGOYNE Thank you, Mr—'m Dudgeon. By the way, since you are not Mr. Anderson, do we still—eh, Major Swindon? [
meaning “do we still hang him?”
]

RICHARD The arrangements are unaltered, General.

BURGOYNE Ah, indeed. I am sorry. Good morning, Mr. Dudgeon. Good morning, madam.

RICHARD
[interrupting JUDITH almost fiercely as she is about to make some wild appeal, and taking her arm resolutely]
Not one word more. Come.

BURGOYNE Gentlemen: we need not detain you. Major Swindon: a word with you.
[The officers go out. BURGOYNE waits with unruffled serenity until the last of them disappears. Then he becomes very grave, and addresses SWINDON for the first time without his title].
Swindon: do you know what this is
[shewing him the letter]?