Maniacs in The Fourth Dimension (3 page)

What would an
ancient Greek think if he would find himself at this
Convention-Con? I think that he would believe that he's in
Tartarus, surrounded by dead souls and demons.

The trials of
Saint Anthony.

What would he
think of me? Would he see a friend, or one of 'them'? Judging by my
current appearance, not the first thing. There are scratch marks on
my neck. My T-shirt is stained with blood.

Sometimes,
when I'm pissed, I start fights. And I felt pretty uncomfortable
here. I looked for a grotesquerie of my own size, to pick a fight
with. I was looking for that elf. And then I saw it.

A cat woman.
On high heels. No tits. A tranny. I crossed his path, tripped him
down, and then I lashed out at him, as if it was his fault. I
allowed him to throw the first hit. I always allow the first hit. I
wear my bruises proudly. But, bitch scratched me. I broke his nose
in return.

They had to
take him to a hospital, and I got lost. I washed the blood of my
neck in the toilet. I sat down on the bench next to some kid. He
had box full of comics in front of him. I asked him did he buy all
of them. He said his dad bought them for him. He brought them from
his home, for the author to sign them. I asked him what's the comic
about. About Romans, Celts, and dinosaurs, kid said. I said that
sounds interesting.

Kid said his
name is Lee. I told him my name. I'm Maynard. I asked the kid why
is he sad. He said how his dad had to leave him here, and left for
work, and that he'll come pick him up when he's finished. His dad
told him that he's adult enough to find his way around. Kid
couldn't find the hall where the author of the comic is suppose to
be signing.

I took his
box of comics from the floor, and asked him what's the number of
the hall. Nineteen, said the kid.

Chapter six

Oh, boy. I
can't believe I'm going to meet Mistew Abwaxas. I came all the way
fwom Boston to meet him. I took me two days to get hewe by bus. I'm
so tiwed. But it's gonna be so wowth it. I'm sitting hewe at hall
nineteen, all alone, no one appeawed yet. I bet they gonna be
swawming anytime soon. Oh, boy, I can't wait.

Mistew
Abwaxas did this awesome comic book called '365 heavens'. My
favowite pawt is when the head chawactew, Uawwaig, the dwuid, gets
to the thiwd heaven and discovews dinosauws. But, he doesn't know
what dinosauws awe. He calls them 'aewouants'. 'Aewouant' is Celtic
word for dragon. And Uawwaig finds one injuwed twicewatops, and
helps him, and tames him, and twicewatops becomes his howse, and
Uawwaig wides him to escape fwom the Womans. Awesome, isn't
it?

I even wwote
and dwew my own spin-off comic to '365 heavens'. It's about a twuck
dwiwew named Jewwy, who dwiwes a giant monstew twuck, and passes
with his twuck on the next heaven. I can't wait to show it to
Mistew Abwaxas. Maybe Mistew Abwaxas will accept it as canon, and
maybe Jewwy will got to appeaw in '365 heavens'. That would be
awesome.

I always
wanted to be a twuck dwiwew. But, I'm afwaid that's not gonna
happen. They took my dwiwing licence last yeaw. I wan ovew
somebody's dog. And almost the pewson that was walking the dog. Oh,
well.

What's that?
Somebody's coming in. A blonde giwl. She went to the stands high
behind me and sat down.

''Hey, how
you doin'?''

She smiled.
''I'm okay.''

''You hewe to
meet Mistew Abwaxas?''

She just
smiled.

''Yeah, his
comic is weally somethin', huh?''

I went up the
staiws and sat next to hew. ''I did my own spin-off to his comic,
you wanna see it?''

I showed hew
the fwont page. ''It's a twuck wunning over a dinosauw. I dwew it
myself. Nice, ha?''

''It's nice.
It looks really nice.''

''I'm
Mawky.''

She said
somethin', but I didn't heaw hew, she speaks weally
quietly.

''What's
that? I didn't heaw you.''

She said:
''My name is Emily.''

''Dinosauws
awe my favowite pawt of the comic. What's youw favowite
pawt?''

''Um… I… I
don't know.''

''How don't
you know? You wead the comic, wight? That's why you'we hewe, wight?
What's youw favowite pawt?!''

''I…'', hew
lip stawted shaking, and she buwsted into teaws. She wan out
cwying.

''What's
wwong?!''

Weiwd.
Stwange giwl.

Just as she
wan out, a paiw came in. They sat down in the fwont row, whewe I
sat, befowe I went up. A stwange couple. Theiw eaws awe pointed. I
went down.

''Hey guys.
You hewe to meet Mistew Abwaxas?''

''Yeah,
that's why we're here. We enjoy his comic very much.''

''Some
outfits you have. Awe you suppose to be some faiwies?''

I said
somethin' wwong. They got insulted.

''We're not
fairies, we're elves.''

''Ain't that
the same thing?''

''No! Fairies
and elves got nothing to do with each other! Fairies are those
little things with wings that are flying around, elves are
enlightened beings…''

''Elves help
Santa!''

Elf guy got
up, but elf giwl stopped him fwom getting me.

''Are you
trying to provoke me, or are you just fuckin'
retarded!?''

I took my
comic and went to sit in behind.

''Mumbling
freak.''

Jeez. Some
people.

Chapter seven

I stared at
my reflection in the mirror. There's nothing particularly ugly
about me. I'm just another average guy. Average guys get laid. And
not only average guys. Practically, everyone gets laid. What's
wrong with me then?

I have so
much difficulty in finding a sex partner. In high school, I tried
around a bunch of girls, with no real effect. I still try, and
still no effect. My friends tell me I try to hard. They tried much
less than me, and they all have girlfriends now. It's just my
luck.

Despite
everything I told you, I am in a relationship. Short of. I never
had sex with her. There's nothing physically wrong with her. Thing
is… She's from Kansas. She's a member of Baptist Church of
Westboro. Yeah, I know. Alice is the only one that didn't told me
in the end how we're not right for each other, or 'it's not you,
it's me', or some shit like that.

Alice simply
told me that I'm going to burn in hell for my transgressions from
the path of the Lord. She also told me that she doesn't want to be
my girlfriend, but that I can hang around her if I want, because to
sent me away wouldn't be Christian. Good enough.

So, I hung
around her alot. I hung around her in front of her parents. If
Alice didn't saw me as a boyfriend, than at least her parents did.
They told me that Alice and I can't have sex before marriage. And
that if we want to get married, first we have to get engaged. But,
for us to get engaged, I would have to be accepted as a member of
their Church. Then, I would have to be baptized. Their community
had to accept me also.

Her parents
probably realized that chances for their daughter to find a husband
inside their community are practically non-existent. They are all
relatives there. They didn't have a clue that I was seeing Alice
only as a stepping stone towards something better.

Thanks to
her, in the eyes of my friends and others, I had a girlfriend. But,
as soon as I would get some other girl interested in me, I would
bail out on Alice.

I tried once
kissing Alice. She flipped. I never laid my hand on her after that.
I think that she despises me, and all men in general. She might be
a lesbian coming to terms with her sexuality.

Her parents
once took me to Kansas with them so I would meet their family. I
spent a week with the Baptist Church of Westboro. It wasn't so bad.
Alice's cousins are okay. They just really don't like fags. If I
understood her parents properly, Alice is the grand niece of Fred
Phelps.

Yes, I
picketed with them. I told them that I don't have anything against
homosexuals, but then, one of Alice's cousins said to me something
I remember very well. Something that made sense. He said that this
country is out of every control, and everyone can do whatever they
want, if it gains following. And if they pay taxes. Nothing is off
the limits anymore. He said that's exactly what their Church is
doing. They're crossing the line. They're crossing the line in
order to show that homosexuals, the military, entertainment,
Westboro Baptist Church, or anyone else, simply cannot do whatever
they want. There has to be some limit of control.

During that
week I spent there I even managed to get drunk on cider, and I
tried to make pass at one of Alice's cousins, to the disgust of
their community. Despite that, I think all passed pretty
well.

Since
everyone except Alice considered me Alice's boyfriend, I tried to
act that way, take her out, and stuff. But with Alice, that wasn't
so easy. She never wanted to eat at restaurants, diners, anyplace,
except her home, and only food that her parents made. I took her to
movies couple of times, but she deemed movies work of Satan, that
tap into peoples secret desires, and lead their souls astray. Okay.
So, my options are limited.

I took her to
Convention-con. I thought it will be fun. Costumes, masks, famous
actors and actresses. But, no.

''Why did you
bring me here? This is lair of sin. This is Sodom.''

I couldn't
listen to her anymore.

''Well, this
ain't Kansas, Dorothy!''

I left her in
the crowd and went away. I didn't look back for her. I passed next
to some three wackos that were laughing maniacally to something one
of them had on his phone. I went through the doors of the hall, to
sit inside and rest from walking, and from her. There were some
people inside. One blond girl was sitting alone. I sat next to
her.

''Hello.''

Chapter eight

He just went
away. Went away and left me with these people. These… Hedonists.
These idolaters. They don't look like they're seduced by Satan.
They look like they're happy to bid his will.

They are all
hedonists. Pleasure is the only postulate of their lives. If it
feels good, just do it. They don't think that it will all have
consequences. Every sin, every indulgence, has its own consequence.
A punishment. Gluttony has obesity.

All sins have
their various punishments. They taught me that Lord punishes
people, and brings temptations in their lives, for them to change
their sinful ways. But, I don't know anymore. It's hard for me to
believe that.

I read in the
Bible about horrible illnesses that are to befall sinners. I read
one part that says that flash and skin will be rotting on living
people. That part used to chill my blood. And then I remembered
Michael Jackson. Didn't he pay millions to ruin his body with such
a disease? Don't people do all sort of horrible things to
themselves, for fad's sake?

I don't think
that there can exist any kind of punishment that these people
wouldn't eventually come to enjoy.

What do I do
now? I don't want to be here. Should I leave this place, or go look
for Alden? Alden hates me. I know that he would leave me this
instant moment, if he would find another girl. He doesn't
understand why he has so little success with girls. His friends
don't want to tell him. They probably find it uncomfortable to do
so.

Alden's
breath is awful. Every time when he opens his mouth, it's like he
opened a dumpster. God, I can't even look at him when he talks, I
have to turn my head the other way.

I don't want
to be alone. I better go look for him.

There's so
much people, I will never find him.

I peeked
inside one hall, that had the doors opened. There he is. He's
talking to some girl. She got up, and left. His breath chased her
away.

I better go
apologize.

Chapter nine