Manslations (21 page)

You need to understand just how little you need to know to manslate this behavior. If it seems like he is trying to slip out the back door, he probably is. This is because he feels trapped in a situation that he doesn't want to stay in. Simple, simple, simple.

Men don't fear commitment for its own sake. And they're not afraid of intimacy, as such. They're afraid of signing an exclusive contract with the wrong woman and wishing that they were still freelancing. That's the fear. And if he doesn't think you are that woman, you can't convince him. Not even if you boil his bunny. In truth, if he thinks you're the wrong woman, he is right. You are the wrong woman. And if he has decided you're the wrong woman for him, then he's clearly the wrong man for you.

Either way, please don't boil his bunny, metaphorically or otherwise. It's just not nice.

Look, say what you will about the Mafia, but these guys get stuff done, okay? They make sure that they are the biggest, baddest, toughest guys around. I'm not saying that most men actually want to whack a guy. But I'm also not going to tell you that when someone messes with us, we don't have a little dream about him waking up with a horse's head in his bed.

In between the whackings, strangulations, and horse decapitations, there's some material we can manslate for the good of all. One moment comes when Michael is with a bunch of the mob guys (the “idiot friends” if you will), and he's on the phone with Kay. She tells him she loves him, and he won't say it back. One of the guys gives him crap about it. “Michael, when you gonna tell that nice girl you love her, huh?
Oh, I love you so much, if I don't see you soon, I'm-a gonna die!
”

Being romantic, being lovey? These things are not “manly,” and our moron pals are simply not going to let us get away with them. Your best bet is not to fight that one. Don't bother “testing” him by asking him to be super sweet to you in front of these guys. It doesn't mean that he thinks that his feelings for you should be a “secret” or anything like that. He's just trying to avoid being made fun of for the rest of his life is all.

Oh boy, do men love these films. See, they have both the Richie and Fonzie thing going. They have Luke, the common dork. He is just a whiny little idiot, but then someone comes along and says, “The universe needs to be saved! There's a hot princess involved. And you're so special that we need you!” As I've said, all men are pretty sure this will one day happen to them. And the guy gets to defeat—
and then save
—his dad? I mean,
come on.

In addition to Luke, we've also got Han Solo in there. The Lone Wolf. The “scoundrel.” The badass gunslinger with the heart of gold. And in love with the princess. Just like in
The Godfather,
we've got a troublesome “I love you” moment that we can easily manslate. You know the one. Han Solo is about to be frozen in carbonite, possibly to be killed in the process.

“I love you,” says the princess, in what might be her last words to him ever.

“I know,” he says.

First off, let me say this. Boy, oh boy, is that guy lucky that he gets frozen right after that. If they had had five more minutes, oh man, would there have been some yelling about that one.

But the manslation here is that we've got yet another example of how the “cool guy” doesn't get all mushy in front of his furry and/or robotic idiot friends. And he doesn't do it when he's got to be strong. Han Solo is facing possible death here, and he's trying to do it without showing Darth Vader any weakness in the process.

In any movie that has a guy running around in a world filled with nuclear-fallout-induced zombies, you might see men in the audience get a little faraway gleam of hope in their eyes. What is this about? We all like to think that even though, sure, we're dorks right now… if that ever happened, we'd be the guy who could handle it.

We'd be the guy who figures out how to fight off the zombies, how to find food, how to survive. In a very real sense, many men believe that the only reason we're not badasses is the fact that the world doesn't need saving. I mean, go to the job, pay the bills, pick up the milk at the store. But if all goes to hell tomorrow, we know we'll be ready. (Even when, wow, will we probably not be ready at all. We'll be badassed outdoorsmen for about ten minutes. Then we'll get something sticky on our hands, and it's all over.)

The manslation here is that this is exactly why he won't ask for directions, even when he's really lost. This is why he won't ask for help when his computer is in pieces on the floor, and he's inventing new curse words. He's not just being a pain in your ass, and it's not just stubbornness. He doesn't want to need help. He wants to be the guy who, when it all goes boom, is the one who figures out how to survive and/or destroy radioactive monsters.

John Cusack. Standing out in front of the house. Holding that radio over his head to get her back.

That son of a bitch. Blew everything for everyone else forever. Basically, he set the bar impossibly high for the rest of us. Guys the world over knew it the second we saw it. From that moment forward, we all knew we were absolutely screwed. We'd love to be that effective a woo-er, and we instantly knew for sure that we were not. Thanks a lot, John. Appreciate it. Jerk.

Men do get competitive about this sort of thing. I have a good friend who came up with an incredibly elaborate way to propose to his girlfriend. Made us all feel like jerks. And that's why he did it. Oh, sure, he loves her like crazy, and he wanted her to marry him and all. Of that I have no doubt. But what he really wanted to do was to be the ultimate romance badass. For that, we have John Cusack and that friggin' radio to thank.

We all like to watch or read stuff that supports whatever weird view we'd like to have of ourselves. Stuff that shows us what life could be, all evidence in reality notwithstanding. You know and I know that men really aren't thinking of themselves as an actual Jack Bauer. But that is one of the images that we see over and over again. And these images, however unrealistic, are part of how we are trying to form an opinion of who we are in the real world.

Most men like to watch or read about stuff being
done
and the people who are doing said stuff. It's not primarily about the emotional journey, although that can be important as well. What's important about a story or character for us is watching someone take his shot and try to make something happen.

And that isn't necessarily how men behave in the movies and TV shows that were designed to get
you
to watch them. If you want a man to behave in ways that they do in the shows
you
like, it's going to be a struggle, because (a) he might not have watched them, so he doesn't know what you want from him, and (b) they're not real in the first place. No more real than Jack Bauer.

The best way to use this information is to know what you're up against here. Just know what the images are that he's been watching since he was a kid. And know that they're not so similar to the stuff that they've been showing you.

__________________

CHAPTER 9

twelve months of holiday
confusion, solved

with special bonus section: gift giving
from the mind of a genius

H
o ho ho, and happy holidays to you all. I have no idea what holiday is the closest where you are. But even if you are not approaching a major holiday, God knows that I am, so here we are. Stressed out.

I would like to run through a quick survey of all of the major holidays and how they relate to our subject matter. More specifically, I would like to show you how manslating can really help put many of the major holidays into perspective. Let's just go through the year, starting with one of the most terrifying of all:

This is the holiday on which a couple celebrates their love for one another, right? Well, ideally, sure. But in actuality, this holiday is all about the exploitation of male fears perpetrated by the makers of red objects.

Red teddy bears, cards, mugs, all kinds of candy, teddy bears holding mugs filled with candy. Roses of all shapes, sizes, and prices. Candy roses. Candy roses in the teeth of teddy bears that fit into giant red mugs that say “Cup o' Luv!”

I used to have a hard time with this holiday. Why? Because this is a holiday in which men are guilt-tripped into opening their wallets to guys in suits who have decided to say, “What do you mean you don't like Valentine's Day? You must not be a very good boyfriend/husband/lover. Shut up and buy something red, will you?”

Sometimes I would like to go to the corporate headquarters of Hallmark or Russell Stover with a shotgun and a list of demands and go out in a
Dog Valentine's Day Afternoon
blaze of glory.

And the diamond commercials. Whew. When I see one of those diamond commercials around Valentine's Day… I can't believe this is true, but it works. I feel like I am failing as a man for not buying some weird S-shaped diamond pendant that they have concocted for my woman to pine after.

And that's such a shame, given that I am failing as a man for so many other, far more practical reasons.

Valentine's Day is also one of those checkpoint moments where we have to attempt to reduce the complex question of the overall status of our relationships to the level of a gift. Are we at the “homemade card and mix CD” level? Are we at roses? How many roses? Is twelve too many? Is one too few? Or is one classy and twelve just tacky?

Basically, we end up spending this one playing thoughtfulness defense.

(See also “Gift Giving from the Mind of a Genius” at the end of this chapter for more on how men operate on such a terrifying day.)

After Valentine's Day, there aren't too many holidays that require any manslation for a few months. I don't see too much gender-related confusion on Easter, for example. Unless… your man really,
really
likes to put on an Easter bonnet and skip around the yard naked, hiding Easter eggs in places that will get him arrested in the South.

But really, that's less in need of a “manslation” than maybe a “shot of thorazine.”

Father's Day is a great example of how little men are impressed by “meaning” vs. actual function. It's interesting, in the sense that it differs so much from Mother's Day. On Mother's Day, there are flowers and brunches—or at least there had better be, lest there be big, big trouble.

On Father's Day, what does he get? Maybe an ugly tie or a “World's Greatest Dad” mug? Who knows? Do people even do anything for Father's Day anymore? Most dads probably don't even know when it is.

What does this tell you? Look at it this way: If your man forgets Mother's Day, there will be much sorrow, gnashing of teeth, rending of garments—it's a total poopstorm. What if you forgot Father's Day? Nothing. He might even be relieved that he's spared the ordeal of pretending that he loves that ridiculous tie. But even if you got him the most meaningful gift in the world, he might be just as happy if everybody just left him alone for a few friggin' minutes.

But honestly, is anyone here because of their massive, crippling Father's Day troubles? No? Let's move on.