Manslations (24 page)

Seriously, though, here's what I can tell you about fidelity in men. It is possible for a man to make a mistake. One mistake. As in, singular. And women can make such mistakes as well. It happens all the time. Now, that doesn't mean that you have to forgive him or trust him again or anything of the kind. A betrayal is a betrayal, and if that's the end for you, that's totally reasonable. But if you truly believe that this man made a mistake that he would never repeat and you truly want to forgive him,
it is possible
for a guy to cheat once and then not again.

That said, if a guy is a cheat-ER, as in, for his lifestyle? Yeah, that's not going to stop anytime soon. I'm talking about a guy who chooses to do this over and over again. Why would we think he's going to stop? Could he stop cheating just like the guy who made the mistake? Theoretically, sure he could. But he's not going to. This guy is making a choice. It might even be a choice he doesn't like. He might hate the person he becomes when he's cheating. But for whatever reason, he's doing it.

The only thing that you can do to “get a man to stop cheating” is the same thing that you can do to “get someone to stop drinking.” Tell him how you feel; tell him what is acceptable/unacceptable to you; and leave it up to him to decide whether or not he'll agree to your terms. It's 100 percent up to him, and it's not your job to jump through hoops to get him to do you the big honking favor of not boinking other women. In fact, I'd avoid jumping through hoops for any reason. Unless you're a poodle. Or a circus tiger. (If you're either of those, congratulations on learning to read!)

I've been seeing this guy for about two months, and he won't introduce me to his friends. What's this about?

Well, obviously he either doesn't want
you
to meet
them,
or he doesn't want
them
to meet
you.
In my personal case, my girlfriend and I spent almost no time with our friends at first because we were having too much fun to want to give up any of our together time. She and I were busy being incredibly happy, we had limited time together, and I didn't want to spend that time with my idiot friends. And again, I say that with love. But dude, priorities.

Now, if your dude is spending a lot of time with his friends, and he meets with you in secret, well, go back to our two questions. Does he think it's going to get him laid? Yep, because, hey, it is getting him laid. Does he think it's going to further integrate you into his life? Nope.

And before you ask the next question, don't bother. No, you can't convince him to want to integrate you further into his life. All you can do is reward behavior you like and refuse to accept behavior you don't like, and see what happens. Just like with a dog… if a dog could leave whenever he felt like it.

Remember, whatever your situation is now, it's potentially going to be like this forever. Ask yourself, would it be okay if you met in secret forever? If it's okay, then great! You're good. If not, tell him. See what he does. Remember, you are not going to blow it with this guy. If he doesn't want you in his life and you want to be in his life, it's already blown. This relationship is already never going to happen. There's never any convincing.

So I'm afraid you're going to have to resort to direct honesty. I know, I know. It's another radical concept. But it actually always, always works in the sense that, whatever happens, you at least know you're then working from the truth. And if you want to work from the truth, well, this is exactly how you will do it.

I want my boyfriend/husband to come shopping with me so he can tell me if I look good in stuff, and that way, I can buy things he likes. Why is that such a problem?

Well, first of all, you assume that he pays attention to your clothes, which he mostly doesn't. You could wear the same pair of earrings, for example, for the rest of your relationship. Literally. If you don't tell him, he might very well not know. Yes, I know that your ex-boyfriend noticed all the time, but he likes boys now, doesn't he? Right.

But why can't he just tell me what he likes and what he doesn't like?

Why can't you tell him which flat-screen TV looks better?

Because that's just a TV.

Right. That's what we're talking about. Different things interest us.

Also, when you ask a man for his opinion on clothes, he has no idea what you're really asking him.

But all I want is his opinion.

Well, no, not really. Not if his opinion is, “You look really overweight in that.”

Well, no, but I want to know what he likes.

Uh-huh. Just not what he doesn't like. See, we're screwed when we get this kind of question, and we know it. We never know if you really want to know the real answer, if you just want us to tell you it looks great, if you're feeling insecure that day and need us to say you look great, if you
really
want this item but you promised yourself you shouldn't spend any money this month but, oh man, you really want those shoes…

How are we supposed to know what's going on there? By default, we usually just assume you want us to tell you that you look great. But then you try on eleven things, and after a little while, it becomes clear that we're telling you it all looks great. And then you get mad because we're not being helpful.

This is a close cousin to the times when you ask us whether or not you look fat. We know that the answer is never, “Wow. Yes. Yes, you really do. I am so glad you said something first because I did
not
know what to do about it anymore. Thank you. Thank you for being a big enough person (ha ha) to allow me to be honest about it.”

I actually make it a policy early in relationships that I will never respond to that question. And it's not nice to ask us to respond. If you want us to tell you that you look nice, grow a pair of balls and tell us, “Hey, you there, tell me I look nice. Tell me I'm beautiful.”

I don't know what you think would happen if you did that, but I will tell you right now that if my girlfriend said things like that (and she does), I'd break my neck complying (and I do). Finally, one I can win!

My friend's boyfriend compliments her on what she's wearing all the time.

I'm sure he does. And that means that he knows how to play the game better than your boyfriend. I'll admit that. But what I won't admit is that your friend's boyfriend gives a crap about her clothes. It's just not one of our things, ladies. We don't get it. And we
know
that you get it. So we know that our opinion is so “amateur hour” that we have virtually zero chance of saying anything that makes any sense.

Don't hope that we will ever be able to tell the difference between two pairs of shoes that are both black. We can tell that you're not barefoot, but that's about it. We just can't see those little differences that you see. Or… we just can't imagine that they are what we are supposed to care about.

Just teach him the game. Say, “Look, when I tell you I got these shoes for only this much, just tell me how great I am and how beautiful the shoes are and how they make me look hot and that I'm a shoe genius, okay?” And in return, notice the difference when he hooks up the new High-Def TV, even if you can't see the point. It doesn't have to make any sense for it to work.

The reciprocal blanket appreciation for stuff neither of you fully understands will work great.

What happens if I really do just want to know if I look fat?

Come on. You never do. You only want to know that he still thinks you do not look fat. If that's what you want, tell him, “Hey. Tell me I'm not fat, okay? Thanks.” You just have no idea how quickly he'll respond to that. And if you want an honest opinion about an outfit choice, do everyone a favor and ask one of your girlfriends.

I want my man to be more thoughtful (flowers, cards, little reminders that he loves me). What can I do?

Well, as you of course know by now, men don't understand such gifts from birth; we must learn. We don't want to receive them, and as a result, many men don't think to give them.

You have to educate him about the fact that giving you these types of “meaningful” gifts, while it wouldn't do a thing for him, makes you very happy. And he's going to have to get used to it.

Your job is to make him understand that you and he are different in this arena. More different than he thinks.

And how are you going to do it? By hinting, right? Wrong! By telling. Come on. You're a big girl. If you want someone to know something, you tell him. If you want someone to know something without telling him, move to outer space. I hear space aliens communicate via telepathy. I saw that on the Discovery Channel.

The good news, again, is that if you tell him what you want him to know,
he will then know it.
If he doesn't know what you want from him, he almost certainly won't give it to you. I know he's supposed to listen and pray and wonder and hear your dreams and touch a tuning fork to your knee to divine what you're thinking. I know. The problem is that he stinks at that. Throw him a bone here, and you'll get your cards, your flowers, your sweet nothings.

In my life, I have had to create a sort of “meaningfulness hourglass” concept. What I mean is, I keep track of when I do something meaningful for my girlfriend. Buy her flowers, take her out for a special dinner, get her a card or something. Stuff that I wouldn't want to receive as a gift myself (because it doesn't do anything) but that I know that she will (because it means something). When enough time has gone by, I do something else nice for her, and I flip the imaginary hourglass and start the timer again.

I do this because I want her to be happy. But I also know that I will never, never actually think of these things without consciously reminding myself to do them.

Now, if this makes me the world's most wonderful man, hey, so be it. It is my cross to bear.

So how are you going to drop hints so that your man knows you want this stuff? Hmm. Not easy. I only learned it in response to some serious crying. My girlfriend had just had a horrible week, and, man that I am, I didn't think to get her flowers or anything. And she kind of flipped out a little. Can't recommend that route—it wasn't fun for me, and it sure didn't look very fun for her either.

You know what you can do here? It's sort of trickery, but it will work. You have to find an example to show him. Could be on TV, could be an ex of yours or a friend's boyfriend. You need to find an example of this “moron who didn't know how to treat a woman.” You know, this total fool didn't even know that women like to get little notes, cards, flowers from time to time for no reason! I mean, how does a guy not know
that
?

Very likely, he'll say, “Pff! Yeah! What a jerk!” but he'll be thinking, “Holy crap. I gotta not be that moron.” It's not even all that underhanded—you're just telling him a little parable about what happens to jackasses who don't know how to be thoughtful. Who doesn't love a good parable, I ask you?

This guy dumped me a year ago, but he keeps contacting me every couple of months “just to see what's up.” It's not like we're still friends, so what is this??!

The Resurfacing Dude is a guy who gets a little lonely and feels like talking to any woman who might still like him. He's
not
interested in you. He's not interested in a relationship. Probably not even in sex (though I'm sure he'd consider it, if offered). All this guy likely wants is to believe that someone out there still thinks he's a cool guy. He's afraid he doesn't exist at the moment, and he's checking in with you to find out for sure.

If you want to stop receiving such calls, blow him off mercilessly. Don't give him what he's after, i.e., affirmation. Don't let yourself get angry with him though. He might interpret that as you not being over him, and that will still give him what he's after. Don't take his call; forget to call him back; and if you actually do talk to him, sound vaguely uninterested and maybe a little confused as to why he's calling.

He's harmless, so there's no real need to smack him down too hard. But if it's annoying to you, that should do the trick. I know it's a little passive-aggressive, but it's also effective and relatively kind.

He's totally committed to me—we live together—but he says he's “anti-marriage.” And I want to get married.

I've gotten this one a few times on the website. And also it sounds… cough… vaguely familiar to me, personally… for some reason. Ahem.

Okay, we've already talked about how a wedding ceremony might not mean the same thing to him as it does for you. It's just how it is. Now, that doesn't mean men don't want to
be
married. We just don't really care about the
getting
married part. Not as much as, say
, getting
a sixty-inch LCD television. Now that's awesomeness, okay?