Married to the Marquess (38 page)

He longed to begin their marriage again, to pretend the past had not existed. There were so many wrongs to make right, so many mistakes to atone for. If they could begin anew, he could be better than he had been. He could become the man Kate deserved to be married to. Neither of them had had a choice in this marriage, but they could choose how to live it now.

If she would let him make amends, he would spend the rest of his life proving his worth.

Yet here he sat still, elbows on his knees, hands folded before him, head bowed as the morning rays crept closer to him. Unable to move, unable to do anything but mourn. Never had he been so helpless. Or hopeless.

“Derek?”

His head jerked up at the soft, feminine voice and blearily he met the eyes of his concerned and startlingly close sister. Where had she come from? How long had she been there?

“You look terrible,” she remarked rather bluntly as she took in the state of him.

“Diana?” His voice was slow and rough, unaccustomed to being used after so many hours of neglect.

“What are you doing?” she asked softly, pulling her shawl more tightly around her.

He shrugged, and said, “Couldn’t sleep.”

She made a small noise of understanding, though her expression never changed. “It’s early,” she commented.

“Not really.”

Now she frowned, and Derek knew he was in for it. “How long have you been out here, Derek?”

“I don’t know,” he said with real honesty, his voice cracking rather shamefully.

Diana took his arm and, with surprising strength, pulled him off of the bench. “Come on, you are coming home with me. Have you eaten?”

He shook his head. “I’m not hungry, Diana.”

She sighed in frustration. “Now I know this is serious. Well, I am hungry, and I hate eating alone, and since Edward is gone, I am forcing you to eat with me.”

Derek managed a wan smile and allowed her to loop her arm through his. “You aren’t walking alone, are you? If Edward is gone…”

“No, no,” she interrupted, waving him off, “I know better than that. Charles is about twenty paces back. He is not very happy with me for going out so early, but I don’t sleep well when Edward is gone, and a morning walk does wonders for my… condition.” She made a face of disgust. “Mornings are always so unpleasant. But the fresh air helps a great deal.”

“Are you well?”

She shrugged lightly. “Well enough, all things considered. I daresay the unpleasantness will pass soon enough.” She looked up at him knowingly. “What about you?”

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. What was there to say? No, he was not well. He was so very far from well.

“I see,” she murmured, rubbing at his arm soothingly. “All right, then, Derek Chambers, the moment after I have eaten, and you have as well, we are going to have a discussion. A very long, very detailed, very intense discussion about what is plaguing you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said roughly, stiffening in her hold.

“That is just too bad,” she snapped, her green eyes flashing up at him. “You know perfectly well that you never keep secrets from me, nor I from you. You are not about to start now when you need somebody to talk to, no matter how you bristle about it.”

“Tyrant,” he muttered, though he felt the tension leaving him. What would it hurt to tell Diana? She was right, he always told her everything. She knew him well, as well as any sister had ever known a brother. She had grown wise and he valued her opinions and advice. And she liked and respected Kate. Yes, he could tell Diana. He might get beaten over the head with the nearest blunt object, but at least he would know it was well deserved.

“All right, Derek, tell me everything.”

Derek quirked a brow at his sister, who was now sitting on the sofa in her morning room, and staring rather expectantly at him. True to her word, she had forced him to eat breakfast with her, and grudgingly he had done so, his nonexistent hunger flaring up once he had begun, which had made Diana smirk in satisfaction. Now that he sat in the chair next to her, he found himself even more reluctant than before to share what had happened.

As if she could sense his turmoil, Diana reached over and took his hand. “Derek,” she said softly. “Tell me. Please.”

He sighed heavily and settled himself more completely in his chair. This was going to take a while. Then, slowly, he began to tell her what had been happening, how he had struggled to find a way to show Kate what she meant to him, how he had promised to stay, how close they were becoming. All the while Diana smiled, still holding his hand tightly.

When he reached the part about the fight with the duke, about forcing Kate to do her duty, Diana’s face became a mask of horror and revulsion and her hold on his hand became clenching. But, much to her credit, she said nothing, which Derek appreciated.

He tried to rush through the part about his fight with Kate, but Diana forced him to recount everything in detail, slowly, reliving the terrible moments over again. Again her face had transformed, this time into a vacant expression, without any single emotion to be identified. Some small corner of his mind warned him about the danger in that, but it was too late to retreat now.

His tale finally told, he sat back fully and slid his hand from Diana’s grasp and met her eyes fully.

“So, what do you think?”

Diana swallowed, seemed to gather her thoughts, then said, “First, I think our father showed a deplorable lack of intelligence, tact, and good behavior with respect to your wife, and in his treatment of you. His words were barbaric and callous, not to mention very poorly thought out. There is no excuse for that. It’s no wonder you were so agitated, I would have been spitting fire. Poor Kate, what a burden to have to bear!”

Derek gave her a faint smile of acknowledgement, but said nothing.

“Second, I think both you and her are behaving like a couple of spoiled children.”

“I beg your pardon?” he coughed, sitting up.

Diana gave him a hard look. “Honestly, Derek, I cannot believe you. Threatening to go through with annulment all because she said the word duty? What nonsense! We all have duties, you know that. No, no,” she said, throwing up a hand at his stammering protests, “I have already said that Father was a bullheaded monstrosity with no sense. We are agreed that he was in bad form. But you! And she! Fighting with each other over something so trite when you ought to be standing together as a united front! Don’t you
want
to have children, Derek?”

“Yes, but…”

“And you
do
want Kate to be the mother, don’t you?”

“Of course, I do, but…”

“Then how
dare
you insinuate otherwise! She asked you a plain and simple question, one which you should have been more than delighted to respond to, and instead, you made it seem as though you never wanted children merely because our father thinks you should! Really, Derek, where was your head?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands. “I never meant to say I didn’t want children, I just didn’t want to start our family in response to the duke’s demands.”

“Then you should have said
that
,” Diana said, her voice growing kinder. “I know you were worked up and in a rage, but consider; Kate was willing to do whatever it was you wanted. If you wanted to start a family, she was willing. It was
her
suggestion to prepare for a child. In spite of Father’s cruel words, in spite of her apparent doubt in your affections, she offered to bear you a child. What does that tell you, Derek?”

He shuddered and gripped at his hair, groaning softly. “I didn’t mean to fight with her, Diana. I don’t know who I became in there, but it couldn’t have been me. What if I have ruined everything?”

Diana took his hands and forced him to look at her. “Derek, you are one of the very best men that I know. You may have behaved badly, but when the heart is in the middle of things, everybody thinks a little more stupidly.”

Derek shook his head, unwilling to brush off his behavior so lightly. “I should have thought better, I should have seen… No wonder she fought back, I was hardly reasonable.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but…” Diana said nonchalantly, giving him a half smile.

He allowed himself a brief roll of his eyes, then sighed. “I just became afraid when she didn’t say anything after my outburst. I wanted her to be shocked, scared, even defiant. I never expected her to be resigned to my decision. I wanted to take it all back and tell her I didn’t mean a word, but I couldn’t. What if she really wants to be rid of me?”

“Can you really believe that?” Diana asked sadly. “After all that you have been through, after all she has become, all
you
have become, you really think she doesn’t care about you? You still doubt her?”

“I don’t want to,” he rasped, shaking his head, a lump forming in his throat. “I don’t want to, but I can’t help it.”

“Derek?”

Both Derek and Diana turned at the new voice, and it would have been impossible to say who was more shocked at the sight of the Duchess of Ashcombe standing in the doorway to the drawing room, looking worried. “Mother?” Diana gasped, her cheeks paling a bit. “What are you…? Is Father…?”

“Oh, no, I am here on my own,” she reassured them hastily, her eyes nervously flicking over to Derek, who had gone still, his jaw tensing. “I… I came to speak with you, Diana, and then I heard Derek, and I…”

“You heard,” Diana sighed in realization, closing her eyes. “Of course.”

Derek stood and turned. “Thank you for listening, Diana,” he said curtly, not addressing his mother at all.

She smiled up at him faintly, her eyes apologetic, and nodded.

“If you do not mind, Derek, I have a few things to say to you,” their mother said softly.

“Say them, then,” he snapped, barely glancing in her direction. He knew his mother, and though she was kind, she was also loyal to his father. Every decision of his she had stood by without comment. Derek was in no humor to be reminded of his apparent failure, even by his mother.

“I… I told your father he had gone too far,” Lydia said softly, wringing her hands in an uncharacteristically nervous fashion.

“Oh, thank you so much, Mother,” Derek drawled sarcastically. “That helps the situation a good deal.”

Her brows drew together and her mouth became a thin line. “
Derek, I have never taken that tone from you and I will not do so now. I am telling you that I disagree with your father emphatically, when have you ever known me to do that?”

She had a point; his mother had only ever gone along with his father’s words, orders, and wishes, and never in his life had he heard her say anything against him. He sighed and turned to face her. “You’re right, Mother. I apologize.” He shrugged, and said, “As you can see, I have been a bit on edge lately.”

She smiled sadly and nodded. “I do see that. You have had a difficult couple of days.” Her smile faded, and she began working at her hands again. “But I fear I may have to share some of the blame.” She gestured for him to sit back down and she took the seat next to Diana on the sofa. “As you may remember, I took Katherine…”

“Kate,” both Derek and Diana interrupted, which was simply not done in their family.

Lydia looked at them both in bewilderment.

“It’s important,” Diana murmured, looking over at Derek’s tormented expression.

“Very well, then,” Lydia said slowly, her mouth twisting as if her tongue were testing out the abbreviation, and she was not certain if she liked it. “I took Kate out to the back garden to avoid overhearing you and your father.”

“I recall,” Derek replied, waving for her to go on. “Thank you for that.” It would have been horrifying to have Kate hear everything that had been said. He had not told her everything that had been said and he never would.

She nodded briefly. “Before we went out there, I said… well, I may have said something that affected her response to you.”

Derek felt his insides freeze. “What did you say, Mother?”

“Well, if I can recollect clearly,” she said hesitantly, looking away.

“You can,” her children insisted firmly, both fully aware that she had always had perfect recollection of everything she had said.

“I believe I said, ‘If you do anything to jeopardize him, his reputation, or this family, I will see you ruined’.”