Mars (8 page)

21

Half a heart

No new messages.

I check my phone over and over, feeling anxiety spreading in my body. Logan and his mom were supposed to go see the doctor today and determine whether the chemo was working or not.

Logan’s chemo is bi-weekly and on the following days, I go to see him and do homework and all that.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I am startled. Sneaking a look at the history teacher, I see that Mr. Yethia looks preoccupied with correcting his other class’s exams.

The handsome kid: 
We need 2 talk.

This isn’t the response I am expecting.

I knock on Logan’s room three times, before the door opens. He ushers for me to go in, his head pointed down. He leaves the door open and sits on the edge of his bed. I sit on the chair in front of his desk.

“So?”

He rubs his hand on his forehead and sighs.

“The chemo isn’t working.”

I gasp. “But why isn’t it working? It should work! It should!”

“How am I supposed to know? Do I look like a fuckin’ doctor to you?” He says, looking up at me.

Staying silent, I avert my eyes to my hands instead.

“Sorry. I’m sorry, Amaryllis. I really am.”

“Can’t chemo be tried again with different substances?”

I did my research.

“I—I don’t know. I think so, but I don’t know.”

I keep looking at him, feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness come over me. I feel like he isn’t just talking about the chemo.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

He takes a deep breath and says, “I don’t know if I want to continue chemo.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m a lost cause,” he says. “And if I die, or, when I die, I don’t want to have wasted my last months at the hospital.”

“Don’t say that. You’re not going to die.”

He ran his tongue over his bottom lip. “Don’t you understand? I want to spend my last months with you and Dad and Mom and Ella and everyone. Not bald and surrounded by nurses.”

He took his beanie off. I had to restrain myself from gasping because his hair. It was nearly completely gone.

“Look at me, Amaryllis! I want my hair back! I want to see you without being self-conscious all the time. I want you to make jokes about me caring too much about my hair and how it looks. I want to go to prom with you and smile, because I know that I’ve lived long enough to do that and because I’ll die knowing that I danced with you and I saw you looking like a princess.”

“But I don’t want you to die!” I exclaim loudly, standing up. “I prefer seeing you bald than dead.”

“You think I want to die? You think I chose this?”

“No! But you have to try to live! For your mom, your dad and your sister!  For me, Logan!”

He shakes his head at me. “The doctor said I have a 30% chance or less for the chemo to work! I am dying, Amaryllis!” He puts the beanie back on.

“God, Logan! Take the fucking chance!” I am shouting now, but I don’t care.

“Haven’t you been listening to me? I want to live without needles in me! I want to live the most of my life! I don’t want to step foot in any hospital ever again!” He is yelling too, though we are close to each other.

I am breathing hard and shaking, tears falling now. “I don’t want to lose someone I love again!”

I feel like a bomb of silence has exploded in the room. I look away from Logan and try to concentrate on something. He grabs my arms and forces me to look at him.

“You love me?”

“Obviously. And now you’re just going to ruin everything and every chance of you loving me back because you want to kill yourself by not doing chemo and I just—” I get cut off by a pair of lips softly touching mine.

Kissing him back, I close my eyes and let myself get absorbed into the kiss. He is holding my face in his hands.

I pull away first. “I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to die.”

“Neither do I,” he says, smiling in a way a person would after losing someone and hearing a joke. “But I don’t want to die in a hospital bed. I want to enjoy every second of my life. Especially with the girl who loves me.”

“Do you, uh, love me too or?" I shuffle my feet. "Because, you know, I could just go now. Things will be awkward.”

“I don’t love you, because I love my sister and my parents. What I feel for you is different. It’s something so profound that my heart feels it’ll fall out of its chest if you ever get hurt,” he smiles at me. “I’m completely, totally in love with you, Amaryllis.”

22

Cliché much?

I hand Logan a bowl of popcorn and plop myself on the couch beside him. Jenna and Ryan are snuggling on the other end of Logan’s dark red couch.

“Everyone ready?” I say, finger on the button with the little 
play 
sign on it.

Jenna and Ryan mumble a “Yes.”

“HELL YEAH!” shouts Logan, pumping a fist in the air.

“Boy, pipe down,” I say, as the beginning music starts.

He flashes me a small smile and averts his attention to the TV. We are all watching 
The Notebook 
together. Coincidentally, none of us has ever watched it and we figured a movie night would do no harm.

At the scene where Noah is flirting with Allie and she promises him a date, Logan stretches his arm wide and fakes the biggest yawn I’ve ever heard. His arm settles around my shoulder and even though I’m not looking at him, I can see him grinning.

“Did you just use a very cliché move on me to put your arm around me?”

He nods.

“Well, at least let me get comfortable!” I say softly, getting closer to him and putting my head on his chest.

He is the softest person in the world.

“Amaryllis, you don’t know how happy I am that you’re cracking your little shell open and flirting with me lately.”

“I’m not flirting. I’m just plain old throwing myself at you.”

“Really? Wasn’t that my role before?”

“Oh yeah, but that was before I got addicted to your lips.”

Holy cow, I just said that.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay, Amaryllis, your addiction to my lips is nothing. Fine.”

After a moment of silence, he says, “Amaryllis?”

“Shh, I’m trying to watch.”

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird,” he whispers in my ear.

“Good, I wouldn’t be a bird without you. We shall be birds together.”

We continue to watch the movie in silence, Jenna or me making a comment about how we feel about a certain scene from time to time. We arrive at the scene of the dance and when older Allie pushes Noah away, I can’t help myself from starting to cry. Jenna is sniffling too.

“Are you crying?” says Logan, looking at me.

“Jenna! You’re such a girl!” exclaims Ryan, looking down on his girlfriend.

Jenna hits his chest. “Oh, because usually, I have a ding along down there. Shut up, Ryan.”

Logan starts to laugh loudly and points at Ryan. I laugh as well, because the flush on Ryan’s cheeks is hilarious.

“You guys made us laugh at a sad part! You ruined the moment!” I huffed, through snickers.

“Too bad, you look better when you laugh,” says Logan.

I look at him and laugh in a pitchy high voice that made it sound as if a cat was dying.

“Even now?” I say.

“Not that much, but you still look beautiful even when you sound like a walrus.”

“Get a room!” says Jenna, nudging my foot with hers.

“We should, right?” answers Logan.

Oh?

“Let’s finish the movie,” I say.

Both girls in the room are bawling their eyes out at the ending. Logan sniffles and I look up at him in shock.

“You’re crying?”

“No, I am not,” he says, with tear streaks on his rosy cheeks.

“It’s sad, admit you were crying!”

He bent his head lower and mumbled in my hair, “Would it undermine my masculinity?”

“No,” I gulp. “In fact, boys are cute when they cry.”

“Then I’m adorable,” he announces, putting his chin on the top of my head.

The credits are rolling now and we are sitting in silence.

“Do you have a bucket list?” says Jenna out of the blue.

Logan replies, “Yep.”

“Can I see it?” I ask. “We should accomplish everything you want before— I mean as soon as possible.”

Before you die.

“Sure, let me go and get it,” says Logan, standing up.

As soon as he leaves, Ryan calls my name.

“How long does he have?” he asks.

“Nine months,” I say, almost inaudibly.

Blinking the tears away, I straighten myself up when Logan arrives again, a paper in his hand. He gives it to me.

“I want you to be the one to read it,” he says.

“Okay.”

I, Logan Thomas Masterson, want to do all of these
15 wishes
before I die.

1
.
Fall in Love

2
.
Go to Paris

3
. 
Kiss a girl on top of the Eiffel tower

4
.
Go paintballing

5
.
Go swimming with dolphins

6
.
Save a life

7
. 
Go on a road trip around the USA

8. Go to a concert!

9
. 
Find the girl of my dreams

10. Graduate from high school

11
. 
Do a color run

12. Fly in a hot air balloon

13. Go on a romantic picnic on top of a Waterfall

14. Learn another language

15. Kiss someone at New Yea
r’
s Eve when the clock strikes