Matt (The Cowboys) (15 page)

Tess and Noah have reached out, but you’ve held back.

She hadn’t wanted the children to become part of Matt’s family because it would hurt them more when they left. But it came as something of a shock when she realized she’d been happier since she married Matt. She didn’t have to worry about her job. She had help in caring for the kids, in finding a solution that would protect them from Wilbur and Mabel. She’d come to depend on Matt and, unbeknownst to herself, to like doing it.

Which is why she didn’t like feeling left out. It made her feel vulnerable again.

She hung her dress in the wardrobe, untied the knots on her chemise and let it pool around her feet. It had been a busy day. She felt pleasantly tired, but not drained as she usually felt after working in the saloon. She owed that to Matt. She owed Tess’s calm to Matt. She owed Noah’s not being in trouble to Matt. If she were perfectly honest with herself, she didn’t want things to change. She liked him well enough. Given a little time she might even …

She reined in her wandering thoughts and put her clothes away. She wasn’t being sensible. Matt didn’t love her, and he wasn’t looking for a real wife. What’s more, she wasn’t looking for a husband, even one like Matt. Instead of protecting her, all the men in her life had tried to take advantage of her. She wanted to be free of men, free to mold her life to fit what she wanted, her safety.

She unfolded her nightgown and pulled it over her head. She would feel safe once she was settled in San Antonio and had her business. Her hats would be successful. She would have her own house, hire someone like Mrs. Ogden to take care of the children, hire someone to help in the shop. She would have everything exactly as
she
wanted.

Ellen blew out the lamp and climbed into bed.

But the moment her head hit the pillow and she closed her eyes, they flew open again. Was Matt Haskins trying to win the children’s affections, make them so dependent on him that they wouldn’t want to leave the ranch?

She told herself not to be foolish. Matt had enough to worry about with Toby and Orin. He wouldn’t want two small children. He’d probably be relieved when she left. But she couldn’t ignore the small, disturbing kernel of doubt. Noah already turned to Matt for everything. Even Tess preferred Matt to her. What would she do if the children refused to leave the ranch with her?

Stay.

That single word kept her awake far into the night.

Matt couldn’t sleep. He knew Tess’s choosing him to stay with her had upset Ellen. He supposed he would have felt the same way if things had been reversed, but he was actually a little bit relieved. He didn’t think Ellen should take the children to San Antonio when she opened her hat shop. She’d soon become so caught up in her business that she wouldn’t have time for anything else. It wouldn’t be that she didn’t want to spend time with the children, simply that the business would have to come first. It couldn’t be any other way. She couldn’t support herself and the children if it didn’t do well, and running any business took a lot of time, especially when you had to make the product you sold.

He didn’t know how he would manage to take care of two small children, but he knew if Noah went to San Antonio, he’d soon be in more trouble than he’d been in Bandera. He needed space to run and something constructive to occupy his mind and absorb his energy. A horse was a good start. Matt might even consider letting him have a dog.

He wasn’t sure about Tess, but the quickness with which she’d begun to look to him when she felt threatened made him think she’d want to stay, especially if Noah stayed. That would create a difficult situation that could best be avoided by Ellen staying as well.

Matt wasn’t as sure how he felt about that. Setting aside his own interests for the moment—and that wasn’t easy to do—he had mixed feelings. Ellen said she wasn’t interested in getting married, having a large family, or living on a ranch. She also kept saying she didn’t intend to take over running the house, but that’s exactly what she’d done in the last two days. It was too soon to tell for sure, but Matt had a feeling Ellen was beginning to like where she found herself.

But where did that leave him?

More attracted to her than ever. He loved the thick, glossy hair that fell in dusky curls to her shoulders. He loved the almond color of her skin, the dark rouge that tinged her cheeks when she was angry … or embarrassed. He loved her dark eyes and thick brows. He had never cared much for his own fairness. It seemed weak and colorless to him. Ellen seemed vivid and vibrant. She had made certain her body was well covered since she’d been at the ranch, but no dress could conceal the mound of her breasts or the tempting swell of her hips.

Matt turned over in the bed. His body had begun to swell. If he didn’t think of something else, he’d soon be miserable. Besides, he had no business letting himself think of Ellen or the possibility that she might want to stay at the ranch. All he had to offer her was lust—lust he wasn’t even sure he could act upon. Regardless, though, lust wasn’t the basis for the kind of marriage he wanted. He was certain she felt the same way.

But it wasn’t that simple. Having allowed the idea to become planted in his mind, he couldn’t get rid of it. Despite the problems he would face, he liked the idea of being married to Ellen. Maybe things wouldn’t be so difficult if he—

He kept forgetting what he’d done so long ago. There was no way around that.

“I don’t understand why we have to go to church,” Toby complained to Matt. “We never did before.”

“It’s never too late to start,” Matt said.

“We wouldn’t have to go if it wasn’t for
them!”

Matt didn’t have to look to know who Toby meant. All week long he’d blamed everything he didn’t like on Ellen and the kids. “I’m sure it would have been a condition for my adopting Orin.”

“You’re not going to adopt me,” Toby said. “Why do I have to go?”

“Because everybody has to believe we’re a family before they’ll let us adopt Orin and the kids,” Matt said. “You know that. There’s no point in going over it again.”

“I don’t want to go, either,” Orin said.

Matt knew Orin’s objection had nothing to do with church. He was certain Reverend Sears would somehow find a way to snatch him away from Matt.

“Going to church once in a while won’t hurt you,” Will said. “Though I can’t say I’m anxious to hear that Sears fella. Jake says he’s got the town by the tail. That isn’t really what he said, ma’am,” Will said, directing his last remark to Ellen, “but I thought what Jake really said might be a little strong for the children.”

“Then why did you bring it up?” Matt asked.

“Just making conversation,” Will said. “Besides, she ought to be prepared.”

“I’m quite prepared for anything the Reverend Wilbur Sears can say,” Ellen said. “I doubt he’ll have time to get around to you, Orin. He’ll be too busy concentrating on me.”

Will, Orin, and Toby had ridden into town. Matt, Ellen, and the kids had taken the buggy over the loud objections of Noah, who, even though he didn’t yet have a horse, had insisted he could ride anything with hair on it.

Ellen and Tess had said hardly a word, Tess because she couldn’t get a word in edgewise, Ellen because … well, he wasn’t sure why. She’d hurried through preparing food, eating, and cleaning up after breakfast, but she hadn’t said a word. Matt had the uneasy feeling she felt uncomfortable about appearing in town as his wife. As long as they stayed on the ranch, she could pretend their marriage wasn’t real.

“I don’t like Mr. Sears,” Noah said.

“Nobody likes Sears,” Will said.

“Then why are we going to hear him?” Toby asked.

“Because this is one of the ways Ellen and I can convince everybody we’ll bring you up properly,” Matt said.

“There’s nothing wrong with the way I’ve been brought up,” Toby argued.

“There’s not a mother in Bandera with an unmarried daughter who’ll agree with that,” Will said.

Toby grinned broadly. Will couldn’t have said anything that would have pleased him more.

They reached the outskirts of Bandera without attracting attention, but Matt knew that would change. Isabelle said people had been talking about them since their surprise marriage. Matt feared very few people would be wishing them well.

“Remember to tie your horses under the trees behind the church,” Matt said. “We’ll be here for a long time.”

“What are we going to do after church?” Toby asked.

“Have dinner at the hotel,” Matt said.

“Can I go to the mercantile?” Toby asked. “If we’re going to be going to church all the time, I’ll need some new clothes.”

“We can all go shopping,” Matt said. “Together.” He had no intention of letting Toby loose just yet.

“You don’t have to take everybody to the hotel because of me,” Ellen said. “The kids and I want to go see Mrs. Ogden.”

“You can spend as much time as you want with her,” Matt said, “but we need to eat together.”

Matt didn’t know whether Ellen wanted to get away from him or away from the stares of the people they passed.

“It looks like Wilbur has been busy,” Ellen said.

“I expected he would be,” Matt said. “Keep smiling, and I’ll keep driving. I don’t want anybody to suspect we’re aware there’s anything wrong.”

“How can we not be?” Ellen demanded. “That was Mrs. Armstrong. She glared at me like I’d committed a crime by marrying you.”

“People think what they want to think. There’s not much we can do except go about our business.”

“How can you just sit there like nothing’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong with us. It’s them.”

He couldn’t tell Ellen that he’d thought so little of himself all his life that nothing anybody else thought had the power to bother him.

“I think they’re jealous,” Will said. “You’re a damned fine-looking woman, Ellen. Even though he is my brother, I have to admit Matt’s a corker. They’re just jealous they aren’t as young and good-looking.”

“Or that you have such a handsome cowhand,” Toby added.

“I think all four of you children are mighty handsome,” Matt said.

“I’m no child,” Toby insisted.

“Okay,” Matt said, “all three of the children are mighty handsome.”

“And …” Toby said.

“And what?”

“What about how handsome I am?” he demanded, exasperated.

“I guess you’re handsome,” Will said, “but we’re not little girls. We can’t tell for sure.”

Matt was glad to see Ellen smile. She was letting the tension get to her. They had to look happy and relaxed or no one would believe they were a real family.

“I want to go home,” Orin said.

“Nothing’s going to happen,” Matt said. They’d reached the church, passing by more people who showed their disapproval. They had a few moments of peace while they tethered the horses under the trees and tied on their nose bags, but it only took a few minutes to climb down from the buggy, smooth out wrinkles, and be ready to go into the church. “Remember to smile at everyone you see,” Matt said. “No matter what they do or say”—Matt directed his gaze to Toby—“you’re not to respond.”

“I can’t just let anybody insult me,” Toby said. “I gotta—”

“Do nothing,” Matt said. “We’re counting on you to act like the mature young man you say you are.”

Toby didn’t find that easy to swallow, but Matt knew his only chance to keep Toby in line was to appeal to his pride. The boy had a volatile temper, but he would do just about anything if he thought it would make him look grown-up.

“Young girls aren’t swayed by insults or slurs,” Ellen said. “But they are influenced by how a man acts, especially under pressure. It lets them know whether he’s a man or just pretending.”

“I ain’t pretending,” Toby protested. “I’m more of a man than any of these fake cowboys around here.”

Matt hadn’t expected Ellen to support him. He smiled at her. “Are we ready?”

Tess held tightly to Ellen’s hand. Noah sidled a little closer to Will, and Orin got as close to Matt as he could. Squaring his shoulders, Toby looked like the proud young peacock he was. Matt held out his hand to Ellen. “Let’s go.”

Ellen dreaded what lay ahead. She didn’t imagine that her having married Matt would change the way the women felt about her. They might be glad she had married and moved out of town, but they wouldn’t be pleased to find her in their midst pretending to be a respectable married woman like them. It would take years to convince most of them that she had put her saloon days behind her. Some of them would never let her forget her origins.

“Don’t drag your feet, Tess. Your shoes will be covered with dust.”

She wanted Tess to look perfect. Any fault, no matter how small, would be sought out, magnified, and remembered when it came time to adopt the kids.

“There’s Isabelle,” Will said. “She’s bringing some of the family to give you moral support.”

But before Isabelle could reach them, the woman who’d been Orin’s foster mother came marching up, her face stormy. Her expression changed to sugary sweetness when she directed her gaze to Orin.

“My husband and I have been so worried about you,” she said. “Our children have asked about you every day. They can’t wait until you come back to us.”