Maya And The Tough Guy (27 page)

She frowned, not understanding the question. He turned to face her, his eyes red-rimmed, his smile mirthless. “You don’t even know what I’m talking about, do you?” he asked. He laughed, shoved his hand through his hair, and leaned back against the wall.
 

Then suddenly, she did. Their date. Back in high school. Eight years ago. She lifted her eyes to his. “All this time?” she asked.

He wasn’t looking at her, still bitterly amused. “You were just being nice, weren’t you? You said you’d call me because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings, didn’t you?”

No, that hadn’t been it at all, but she was in too much shock to say anything.

He came toward her, swung a chair around, and sat in front of her. “I slept with my phone next to my pillow every night for a week. I almost called you so many times, but I didn’t want to get you in trouble with your old man. And then I had to go to school and hear—from locker-room gossip no less—that the same night you couldn’t bring yourself to have sex with me, you went straight to Damon Bradley’s house and hopped into bed with him.”

She shook her head, tears blurring her vision. It hadn’t happened like that.

“Do you have any idea how that felt, Maya? I’d have done anything for you. I had a bed you could sleep in. A body you could use. And I loved you. Do you know what a miracle that was for me? To love someone?”

She choked back tears. “I’m so sorry,” she gasped. “I didn’t know.”

“Why? Why didn’t you know? I followed you around like a faithful dog who was too fucking dumb to know any better. I asked you out every chance I got. I showed you every way I knew how.”

“But I wasn’t looking, Jayce! You know how my life was, how was I supposed to see you when I was so worried about keeping my head down and avoiding trouble? You should have told me.” She closed her eyes tight, feeling awful for being mad at him. Here he was in pain and she was angry with him, blaming him. “If you’d said something—”

“I did! I told you in every way I knew how, Maya. My God, and then you got pregnant…I was devastated. I barely even remember the week I drank away after finding that out. Same as when you married him. But I thought, if that’s what makes Maya happy, then who am I to question it. I held onto that thought until the first time Damon walked into my bar with a woman on his arm, looking not at all worried that he was cheating on his wife in public. And it happened again and again. And then when I found out what he’d been doing to you—”

Jayce’s expression twisted in pain. He shook his head. “I would have taken care of you,” he said. “We’d have a house, by now. Kids. Pets. Family vacations. Anything you wanted.”

Short sobs kept escaping Maya’s chest. “I didn’t know,” she repeated.

Jayce buried his face in his hands, digging his palms into his eyes.

“I can tell you this,” she said, once she’d gotten her sobs under control. “I didn’t have those kinds of feelings for you back then. Even on that date…that’s why I didn’t go all the way with you. I thought it was cool going to prom with a senior, Jayce. I wasn’t even looking at you.”

His shoulders were shaking and a moment later, she heard his laughter. He sat back and dropped his hands. “That’s nice, Maya. I feel a lot better knowing the reason you rejected me was because I was completely invisible to you.”

“You didn’t express enough,” she said. “You didn’t tell me how you felt in a way that I could understand.”

He threw up his hands. “Fine. So it’s my fault. Whatever, it’s in the past. But we’re here, now.” He leaned forward and took her hands in his. “I know you don’t love me. I know you don’t know me. But I’m begging you to let me be a part of your life. I’m so happy when I’m with you. I’m dying to take care of you. Even just to be used by you would be enough. The sex is good, right? Your kids like me now, right? Let’s be friends. Lovers, even. Anything. Fall in love with someone else. Marry someone else. Just give me something of yourself, Maya. Just a little.”

She shook and cried. “I want you to know about that night.”

“It doesn’t matter. I get that you loved him—“

“I didn’t then, though. After you dropped me off, my dad and I fought and he kicked me out. I was barefoot in my pajamas walking toward main street and the only thing I had was the scrap of paper with your phone number on it. I was going to find a phone to call you and ask for help, but he drove by. And Jayce, I was a stupid, teenage girl. I believed the lies that he told me and I traded one monster for another. He promised I’d be safe with him and then in the middle of the night, he came into bed with me. I was terrified and I wanted him to stop, but he didn’t listen and I didn’t argue. I burned your number the next morning. What could I possibly offer you? You were so much better than me, so much better than I ever thought I could have. I figured if you remembered me at all, you’d be over me the next day.”

He kissed her. On the lips, the cheeks, the eyes…everywhere. His hands in her hair, his forehead pressed to hers, he begged, “Love me now. We’re here now. Love me, Maya.”

She closed her eyes and waited for the last of her tears to pour out. Then she took a breath, clasped his face between her hands, and looked him in the eye. “I don’t have anything for you, Jayce. Love? I wouldn’t even know how at this point. I’ve got so much going on, I need to focus on survival and my kids.”

He nodded. “I understand. I get it, really. But I could help. We could, you know, hook up whenever you’re feeling lonely, or—“

“I’m not doing that with you anymore. You think you can handle it, but you can’t.”

He laughed bitterly. “Of course I can handle it.”

“You hold me so tightly I can’t breathe and you kiss me with just way too much…tenderness.”

His mirthless smile vanished.

“Jayce, making love with you is way too intense. You’re just…all-in, heart and soul and it breaks my heart—“

He licked his lips and looked away. “You don’t want me,” he said quietly.

“I care about you—”

“Everything I want to give you, everything I want to do for you…it’s no strings attached, Maya. I’m not asking anything in return. Just let me love you the way I need to.”

“Can you honestly tell me that that’s satisfying?”

“Yes!”

“Then you’re lying to yourself! I absolutely can’t take any more from you. It’s hurting you and I can’t be party to that—”

He leaped to his feet. “It doesn’t hurt worse than not getting to love you at all! Jesus, you’d think I was asking you to sacrifice your firstborn for me. I’m asking you to live your life the way you want it and just let me give you my friendship, my body, my support, maybe even my money when you need it. Honestly, Maya, I don’t even see what the issue here is.”

“The issue is I do consider you a friend. I care about you and I won’t take from you when I can’t give you anything in return. I just won’t. I’m sorry.”

He paced away toward the far wall, turned, and leaned back against it, his arms hanging lifeless at his sides.
 

Maya stood and dried the last of her tears on the sleeve of her sweater. “I want us to be friends—”

“I want that too.” Jayce’s voice was quiet, but firm.

Maya nodded. “Good. And I’ll start looking for another job.”

“I like working with you. Don’t leave on account of me.”

Didn’t he see that she had no choice? How could she keep working for him knowing what she knew about his feelings. She didn’t want to argue anymore, though, so she just nodded. “Thank you.”

“Sure.”

There didn’t seem to be any more to say. He was just standing there looking like he didn’t care whether he lived or died. “Bye, Jayce.”

He closed his eyes and dropped his head back. “Bye, Maya.”

She left before she could start crying again.

#

Jayce didn’t have anymore fight left in him. She walked out of the office and he stood there suddenly…tired.
 

But then he remembered he had her father in his apartment and still hadn’t told her. He mustered up some energy and ran after her. He caught her on the sidewalk as she was about to get into her car.

Her look was full of sympathy, which he hated. “Uh, with all the love confession shit, I kinda forgot to tell you something.”

Her lips quirked up. “Like what?”

“Like your old man’s in town. Showed up at the bar last night.”

She put her hand on the car, maybe to steady herself. Her face went pale. Jayce wanted to reach out to her, but he was in self-preservation mode. He didn’t have any strength to lend her and if he touched her, he might not come back from it again. “He’s in my apartment,” he said, “sleeping off a fifth of Jack.”

“You let him in your apartment?”

“What was I gonna do with him? He was drunk and homeless. I’ll find him a halfway house or something, but I thought you might want to see him.”

“Well you thought wrong, Jayce. Do what you want with him, but he’s not my responsibility.”

“I never said he was, I just thought—“

“You are not a part of my life, okay? I’m sorry to hurt your feelings, but I don’t want you getting involved like this.”

He bit back the pain and anger. She was upset and taking it out on him. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ll send him on his way.”

“Good.” She turned and climbed in her car. If she wasn’t shaking, he’d have been upset instead of worried.

He turned around and went back into the gym. He showered and headed home. The old man was on the sofa watching television without an apparent care in the world.
 

Jayce did a discreet liquor check and found, as he’d expected, the half bottle of bourbon he kept in his cabinet was now empty. He shut the cabinet and went to his room. Nothing seemed terribly important today and his bed beckoned to him. So he crawled under the covers and went back to sleep.

Two hours, which felt like a split second, later there was a knock at his front door. He went and opened it to find Maya standing there. He knew she wasn’t there for him, so he didn’t even bother letting himself be happy. He stepped aside and closed the door behind her.
 

Mr. Lansing stood when he saw her. Maya looked up at Jayce. He’d been about to sneak back to bed since she’d made it clear that this was none of his business, but she was asking him to stay. Just with her eyes, but still. He was thrilled to be of service. He looked down as she slipped her hand in his. He smiled slightly.

She led him to the couch and they sat together. Lansing eased back into the recliner.

“Dad, what are you doing here?” she asked. Her hand held Jayce’s tightly.

“I’m dying,” he said without prelude.

“I haven’t heard from you in nearly two years. Truthfully, I’d already thought you were dead.”

Her dad slumped. There must have been a spark of hope burning in his eyes because it vanished. “Oh.”

“Do you need something?”

A sigh. And then a tear slipped down his cheek.
 

Maya said, “I don’t have anything for you, Dad. You should go.”

It was as though the man was aging before their eyes. His hair seemed grayer. There were more lines in his face. “I know you don’t owe me nothing, girl. I just…I been sleeping in my car. Can’t find a friend in this world.”

She was trembling. “I married a bad man so I could get away from you. Now I’m getting away from him. I don’t have anything for you. I’m sorry.”

He nodded and rubbed his hand over his face. “I guess at this point I’d be happy for a pistol and a few seconds alone.”

“Christ, is that supposed to make me feel sorry for you?” Her voice raised.

“I got nothing. You’re the only hope I’ve got and you won’t…can’t help me. So what else is there?”

She pressed her face into her hands. Jayce withdrew a few inches on the couch, not wanting to intrude.

Mr. Lansing leaned forward, his gaze at last landing on her. “I’m gonna die, girl. I’m gonna die soon. So if I can’t die in comfort, I’m at least determined to die in peace. I want you to know this…I know I was a bad father. I know I hurt you. I remember every single time I raised my hand to you. Ain’t no excuse for it. Your momma—“

“Don’t fucking put your actions off on her. I didn’t even know her!”

“My actions were my own. I know that. But she broke my heart. She just tore me up. I shoulda sent you away somewhere…somewhere you’d be safe from me. But you looked like her. You were a part of her. That’s what I was hanging on to. And that’s what I was lashing out at. In between times, though, you were my little Maya. I did love you, darlin’. I just need you to know how sorry I am. I ain’t asking forgiveness. Don’t deserve it. Wouldn’t forgive myself anyway. I just want you to know somewhere inside this monster is a dad who loved his daughter.”

Maya collapsed into sobs. Jayce found his own eyes stinging. Hell, if Norris had even come close to apologizing like that he’d have been bawling like a baby. Of course, Norris was a monster through and through. No loving father in there at all.
 

“all right,” Jayce said, once Maya had calmed some. “Can you work, Mr. Lansing?”

“Tom. I don’t know. Not much. I get tired easy.”

“Can you clean? Sweep up? Ride a lawn mower? That sort of thing?”

“Yeah, I reckon.”

“Then you can work for me. Stay here. We’ll see if we can get you some kind of insurance. Maybe make the life you’ve got left a little less painful, at least.”

Maya sat up and looked at Jayce with wide eyes. “You do not owe me this.”

“Am I offering you something?” Jayce snapped. He stared her down until she looked away, then he turned back to Tom. “What do you say, old man?”

 
That spark of hope came back to Tom’s eyes. “I say it sounds like better than I deserve. Don’t know there’s any sense in the insurance thing. I doubt a doctor could help at this point.”

Jayce shrugged. “Up to you. It’s always worth a look.”

Tom nodded thoughtfully. “All right. Any conditions?”

“Don’t hurt Maya or the kids.”

“That’s it? You ain’t gonna ask me to quit drinkin’ or nothin’?”

Jayce laughed. “No, that’s none of my business. If you want help easing back, I’m happy to be supportive, but what a man drinks is his concern.”