Maybe Baby (13 page)

By the time we arrived at his doorstep again, I was more than ready for him, but he wouldn't let me rush. In the dark portico that separated the main entrance of his building from the inner courtyard, he stopped and pulled me to him. He pressed me against the wall and kissed me so long and hard, I thought my knees would buckle. I held onto him, reciprocating his fervor with equal measure. I loved the taste of his mouth, the faint razor stubble grazing my cheek as he kissed the curve of my neck, his strong hands gripping my hips and sliding down my thighs. When we finally pulled away, my lips felt swollen and hot and ached to be joined with his again. We laughed and rushed across the courtyard, knowing that soon we'd be able to savor one another again. Upstairs, in his living room, we stripped and fucked standing up.

Afterwards, my back was sore from rubbing against the textured wallpaper. We retreated to his bedroom and made love again, though this time we took things more slowly. Mads whispered in my ear as his hands explored my body. I claimed him with my lips, my tongue, my fi
ngers. There was something delicious about this rediscovery. It erased the traces of my week with Niklas, rendering it so faint and diaphanous that I could almost pretend it had never happened.

"
I've missed you." His breath was hot against my skin. I arched up to meet his lips as they grazed my shoulder. "I don't know how long we can keep being separated like this."

"
I don't know, either," I gasped as his fingers slid inside me. The heel of his hand moved in slow, deliriously wonderful circles. My hips moved of their own volition. He grinned down at me. "Don't stop."

"
You should spend a week here with me." He slid another finger inside me, then stroked me gently. "Do you like that?"

I nodded.
"You're driving me crazy." My nipples were so swollen and hard. "My God..."

"
Stay with me, Laney. Don't check into your hotel tomorrow. Stay here... with me."

I was so turned on, I would have given in so easily. I did give in. He took one nipple in his mouth and sucked deeply on it.
"Stay a week. We could figure something out."

"
Niklas…"

"
I don't care about him. I don't think you do, either."

His words stung, but just then I didn't care about Niklas or what was going on in his mind now that I was away. He knew there was something wrong between us. We couldn't be fixed, and I didn't care anymore. Niklas knew our relationship was falling apart and he wasn't doing anything to make me want to be faithful, to make me want to stay.

A faint draft of chilly air passed over our naked skin. I lay in Mads's arms, letting the scent of his skin fill me. Every part of me was attuned to him, sensing his every movement, his every breath. I belonged to him... and he belonged to me. And this moment, lying in his bed and knowing that tomorrow I could wake up with him—that, if I wanted, I could do this again and again, thrilled me. But how could I walk away from Niklas when I'd invested so much in our relationship? Sometimes, I thought he was on the verge of asking me to marry him, and then the moment would pass and I couldn't figure out what had even made me think it was possible.

"
It's hard to just walk away from him."

"
Laney."

I looked up at him. He kissed the tip of my nose.

"How can we ever know if we've got something special, if we never give it a chance?"

"
I just need some time."

He answered by shifting his body. He nudged my thighs open a little more, and now his cock replaced his fingers, coaxing me closer to another orgasm. I kept my eyes open as I hung on to him. Our eyes locked and the intensity between us excited me even more. Mads lunged for me, kissing me deeply, using his forearms to hold me in place as his body claimed me. And I wanted him to claim me. I wanted him to obliterate my life with Niklas since I was too much of a coward to do it myself. This was not going to end well, not if I continued to ricochet between two men. Sooner or later, I would have to d
ecide who I wanted to continue my life with. And I was afraid to let go of Niklas. He was a safe haven for me. Even with his ridiculous kids and his even more ridiculous ex-wife. He'd given me the physical and financial security I'd never had and didn't even know I'd needed. Mads murmured something in Danish. I couldn't understand him but the deep timber of his voice hit every synapse in me and made me want him more. I tried to remind myself of Eddy's words, that Mads was just a nice new flavor to try, but that I would eventually want the familiarity of my favorite flavor, Niklas.

I didn't really like thinking of either of them as ice cream.

We must have fallen asleep afterwards. I was one of those annoying people who could drift off, smiling with satisfaction, within seconds of having an orgasm if there wasn't some stimulation to keep me alert. The air had cooled, but the room wasn't chilly. The last vestiges of summer were still holding on, unable to disappear co
mpletely. I stretched, and then moved closer to Mads. Lying here with him felt so natural. I could imagine waking up with him every morning, and going to bed with him every night.

Could you imagine raising a family with him? The niggling question filled the room. Obviously, I could imagine him giving me children. He was the only one of the donors who'd piqued my interest. Even before we'd met properly, when we made eye contact through the café window, I'd felt a charge of recognition and want. But could we be one of those couples who could have children and still have this sort of love life? Would we be able to stick it out with one another, or would we fall
apart, just as Niklas and Karolina had? Just as it felt like Niklas and I were?

Before I could even think of leaving Niklas, I needed to know. But it was early days, wasn't it? Could I just ask Mads if he wanted to have a baby with me? I stroked his cheek, let my fingers drift along the curve of his neck and along his shoulder. His eyelids fluttered.
"Hvad er klokken?"
he murmured in Danish.

I knew enough Danish to understand him, but som
etimes I tripped over the words when I tried to answer, so I spoke English instead. "It's almost midnight. Maybe we should go out for a drink?"

"
We could do that." He spoke slowly, enunciating the words so I would understand him. Even though Danish and Swedish were similar, they sometimes sounded like they had no common origin. "Maybe..."

"
When did you do this?" I trailed my fingers over the tattoo on his upper arm. The skin around the inked words was still red and painful-looking.

"A few days ago." He took hold of my fingers tips and kissed them. "It’s your initials and the date we met."

I smiled at him and bit my lower lip. No one had ever done anything like this for me before.
"You must like me a lot," I said in a breezy tone, but I felt the weight of this. This meant there was more to us, that neither of us had imagined our connection.

"
I like you very much." His lips grazed my fingertips again and sent little shivers through me. "And I think you like me, too."

"
I do. Very much so."

"Do you speak Swedish with Niklas?"

"Sometimes."

"
Are you thinking about him now?"

"
I was thinking about us... if we could be one of those couples with a baby."

"
We could. You already wanted to have one with me." He grinned.

"
But would you want to have one with me?"

He kissed me for an answer.

I wanted to hear it from his lips but I would accept this for now, how luscious it felt to be kissed by him, to be so close to him. We could have stayed like this all night, slowly kissing, this cocoon of tenderness enveloping us. I don't think we would have left the bed at all. But then my mobile rang and startled us apart.

I answered it with an uncertain,
"Hello?"

"
It's me."

"
Niklas? Is everything okay?"

"
Everything is fine, they cancelled the seminar in Uppsala. I thought I'd come down tomorrow."

I froze. Mads lay still, waiting to see what would ha
ppen.

"
What time?" My voice caught in my throat.

"
I'm landing at noon. Is your hotel near the train station, or do I need a taxi?"

"
It's a bit of a walk." The truth was, he could take the train to Nørreport, but Niklas never took subways or commuter trains.

"
Okay, then I'll take a taxi. I think this will be good for us, Laney. We need to get back on track, you and I."

"
I know."

But when I hung up I felt sick. I didn't know what to do. I lay there shivering. Mads pulled me closer to him.
"He's coming, isn't he?"

I nodded.
"Tomorrow afternoon."

"
So that was it for this weekend?" His disappointment came through loud and clear.

I nodded again.
"I'm sorry, Mads."

"
It's okay. At least we've got the rest of the night." He kissed my neck. "Let's just enjoy what we've got."

We woke early the next morning and, after showering together, after fucking in his shower, after fucking one more time in his bed, we got dressed in tense silence and then Mads walked me to my hotel. At first, there was a chasm separating us, but then his hand sought mine and our fingers entwined. We were just a few meters from the turning to the hotel when he pulled me aside and said, "I'm not used to this. I don't like putting you in this situation, or even being in this situation, but I can't stay away from you."

"
I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he said, his expression still grim.
"I just need to know it won't be like this forever." Then he cupped my face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine. His fingers trembled against my skin. I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't bear seeing the uncertainty growing between us.

"
I don't want to go."

"
You have to."

"
We could go back to your place."

"
You can't avoid him forever, Laney." Mads kissed me lightly. "Sooner or later, you have to decide what you want.
Who
you want."

Checking in at the hotel after spending the night with Mads cast a pall on the spell we'd created. I wished I'd never answered my phone. I could see the disappoin
tment etched across his face, in the tight line of his grimace, the flatness of his eyes. I thought Mads would say goodbye to me in the lobby, but he took my suitcase and escorted me to my room. Before he left, he gave me a slow, furious kiss that almost felt like a break-up kiss. I watched him as he lumbered down the hall to the elevators. I couldn't just let him leave like this. I called out to him. He stopped. It took a few seconds before he turned to face me.

"
Next weekend, come to Stockholm?"

"
Are you sure?"

"
I'll figure out something." I wasn't sure what solution I could come up with other than booking a hotel room in Stockholm and telling even more lies to Niklas. There was also an element of danger in that we might be found out.

"
All right. You tell me how you want to do it, and I'll come." Then he disappeared around the corner. I wanted to follow him, to drag him back to my room and tell him I'd go along with whatever he wanted. But how could I? And even now as I stepped back into my hotel room and closed the door, I felt like someone who'd been glamoured and was awaking from the spell.

All I knew was I wanted Mads.

*      *      *

By the time Niklas arrived, I'd unpacked and hung up all my
clothes. My computer was set up on the desk, and my work files were scattered around the room. There was no trace left of the night Mads and I had spent together. Not externally. Inside me, a kernel was growing. I hid it under layers of the old me. The me who would never do something like this, and who still wanted to work things out with Niklas. The front desk clerk called me when he arrived, and alerted me that Niklas was on his way up. When I hung up, I wondered if she was the same clerk who'd handed me my key when Mads and I arrived. A tiny bubble of panic formed inside me, but vanished just as quickly. I'd worked as a chambermaid at a five-star hotel while I was in college. It had paid my tuition and my living expenses, since I didn't qualify for very much financial aid. I figured out pretty quickly how things worked. You saw things and you didn't see them. We learned this from the very beginning. Never divulge information, never judge, never see. The society ladies who came in with their thug lovers, the business men who'd picked up underage hookers and treated them to a little shopping, swank lunches, and drugs before disappearing upstairs for an hour or two of fucking, and then back to their respective lives. Hotels were safe havens for the unfaithful.