Me After You (8 page)

“H
EY
,” A
IDEN
SAYS
when he walks into the garage early Monday morning. It’s not a greeting. It’s an intro to a conversation I know I want to avoid. I don’t get a chance to reply before he’s already diving in. “Why didn’t you tell me Sawyer was back in town?”

Yup. I knew that was coming. Exhaling, I shrug and avoid eye contact, polishing the chrome on the Harley I’ve been working on. “I figured everyone had heard by now,” I lie, but it isn’t far from the truth.

“That’s a huge load of dookie and you know it. I can’t believe you knew she was back and didn’t say anything.”

I laugh. “Did you really just say ‘dookie’?”

“Yeah. I did. Why didn’t you say something?” he presses.

I rub my eyes with my clean hand. “I have yet to really talk to her. She takes off every chance I get. I didn’t know what to tell you.”

“You could have said, ‘Hey, Aiden, Sawyer’s back in town.”

He knows exactly why I didn’t say anything. I have nothing to say about it. I shake my head and return to polishing.

“Is it true what everyone is saying about her husband?”

I suck in a breath and nod without looking up. “I don’t know exactly what happened, but yeah, he died. I know that much is true.”

“That’s messed up.”

“I know.” I can’t look at him, though I feel his eyes burning holes into the side of my head. He won’t be finished with the conversation until he’s asked every last question, and I don’t want to talk about it with him. I already know what he’s going to say.

“So what’s your move? What are you going to do?”

And that’s exactly why I didn’t tell him. I level a stare at him to keep him from going there and then return to brush in circles. Of course, my glare isn’t enough to keep him from touching the subject. “She’s back, and you’re not going to do a thing about it?”

Dropping my hand from the bike, I sigh heavily. “What am I supposed to do, Aiden? She just lost her husband and, as far as she knows, I left because I didn’t want her anymore. We’re not going there. Forget it. Don’t even try.”

“That’s such a wuss move.”

“Respecting my relationship with Lily is a wuss move? Being a gentleman and giving Sawyer space is a wuss move?”

“Fine. Give her a little bit of time, and then make it right. She’s
back
, man. Are you really telling me you’re going to let her slip away again? I’ve seen you moping around ever since I moved back home almost a year ago. A
year
. So, it’s obviously been going on for a lot longer. Make it right, Dean.”

“I’ve got Lily now.”

He snorts. “You and I both know Lily is only a replacement.” I glare at him because she’s my girlfriend, and I care about her. His hands rise in surrender when he knows he’s being a thoughtless prick. “I don’t mean any disrespect, but you can’t sit here and tell me that you can stay with Lily knowing Sawyer is finally back home.”

I shake my head. “I’m not going to break things off with Lily because Sawyer has returned, dude. It may not make sense to you, but I love Lily. I know you’re not completely wrong, but it’s not right to hurt Lily like that. I won’t do it. And, c’mon, even if I did do that, Sawyer’s husband has only been gone for a few months. She’s not ready.”

“So you’ll stay in a hopeless relationship because you don’t want to hurt Lil?” he says.

I shrug because I don’t want to get into this with him right now. I don’t want to have to explain myself, or the relationship I have with Lily, to him.

“You’ve got to work out your crap, bro.” His index finger is pointing at me and I’m
this
close to reaching out and breaking the dang thing off. “I’m not going to sit here and watch you lose Sawyer again because you’re too scared to finally take what belongs to you.”

“Let it go, Aiden,” I answer sharply. “I’ll figure it out.”

“Good. Because I’m tired of seeing your sulky, sorry face. It’s getting pathetic.” I chuck my rag at him, and he bats it away with laugh. “Win her back, my friend. You two were made for each other.”

I grunt out a laugh, but earnestly ask, “What if I can’t?”

“Then at least you can say you tried. You didn’t brood in your garage while she found someone else to bring her back to life.”

My chest sinks at the thought. “She looked different to you, too, huh?”

Aiden nods his head solemnly, looking toward the ground. “I hardly recognized her, man. She’s still just as gorgeous, but that spark that made her the Sawyer we both remember is gone.”

I nod knowingly. “Every time I see her it hurts. Not just because she’s not mine. It hurts to see that the life in her eyes is completely gone.”

“So, bring it back,” he urges, as if it’s that easy. As if nothing could be simpler.

“She hates me, Aiden.”

“Then give her time. Doesn’t time heal all wounds? Just don’t wait too long. Before you know it, some other Grayson is going to sweep in and steal her all over again, and you won’t get a second chance this time. You’re not going to be able to replace that one, Dean.”

“Trust me,” I grunt. “I’m well aware of that fact.” I tried.
Several
times.

“I’m sure you are. I forgave you for walking out on all of us all those years ago, but you didn’t see what it did to Sawyer. If you want to make it right, you’ve got to start now. It’s going to take a lot of time.”

“I had valid reasons for leaving.”

“I understand why you left, but she doesn’t. I don’t think it was the right decision, but that doesn’t matter now. None of that changes the fact that you have to make it right.”

Everything he says makes sense. I get it. But the loyal side of my heart knows I can’t disrespect Lily. She’s stuck around for everything even though she knew the reason I came home in the first place. How could I be so cold and drop her? I care too much about her to be that heartless.

My dad’s grave is bare. Headstones surround his, filled with flags and flowers and pinwheels left by loved ones, while his remains as lonely as his life.

I kneel down in front of it, running my fingers over his full name—Joseph Dean Preston 1961-2009. That’s all it says. Did anyone go to his funeral? Did they have one, or was he simply buried? I break down. It’s the strangest feeling—mourning the loss of someone I never even liked. But he was my dad. He was the only family I had left.
Why did you leave me all by myself?
Now I’m officially alone. The finality of it hits me and sends me spiraling. I did this. I brought this on myself. My fists pound the headstone settled in the soil until they sting.

“Dean?” A voice shoots me up onto my feet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

I spin around to see Lily Jamison standing behind me with uncertainty in her shoulders. Her eyes turn down with concern. Swiftly, I rub my hands across my cheeks. Embarrassment flushes my face as I exhale and look away with my jaw clenched.

“Hey, Lily,” I murmur.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I couldn’t believe it was actually you. I was visiting my grandparents’ grave and saw you. You’re back.” She pauses, but when I don’t say anything, she continues cautiously. “It’s okay to be upset, you know. It must suck to come back to find everyone you love is gone.”

My gaze shoots to her. The look in my eyes must scare her because she flinches.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to overstep,” she mumbles.

“It’s fine.” I shake my head and run the back of my hand under my nose. “Stop apologizing.”

She nods. “Okay.”

“He’s been gone for three months, and I didn’t have a single clue. I didn’t even come back because I heard about his death. Makes me a pretty lousy son, huh?”

She presses her lips together and shakes her head. “No one knew how to get a hold of you. How would you have known?”

“If I hadn’t left in the first place,” I mutter under my breath. It’s more for my benefit than for hers.

“You obviously had a reason for leaving. You wanna talk about it? I’m a great listener.”

Shaking my head, I begin to walk away without saying anything else when she reaches out to touch my arm. Her fingers latch on to me, stopping me. I lift my gaze to hers, and the compassion in her eyes keeps me in place. “It’s probably the last thing you feel like doing, but I’m here if you want. I wouldn’t mind.”

I consider her words, but I have no intention of talking to her about this. When I asked Alix for help, she didn’t want anything to do with me. Why would Lily? “Thanks,” I say, stepping out of her grasp and walk away.

“I mean it, you know?” she calls out.

I nod without turning back.

A
LIX
TOLD
ME
my nails were atrocious. Yes, she actually said atrocious. So she made us nail appointments and told me to meet her in town since she was already running errands. I wait for her on a wooden bench near Timberpond Park downtown.

I spent another couple of weeks holed up in my parents’ house after the Sole Festival. It probably would have benefitted me to get up earlier this morning to search for a job since I’m obviously not making any progress, but the motivation isn’t there. I don’t know where to find that motivation. How do people ever move on after things like this happen? Where do they find solace? I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed and sleep. Sleep is painless. The problem with sleeping is waking up.

It’s not that I’m unaware of the pity party I’ve been holding for myself. I get it. It’s probably time to work on moving forward and picking up the pieces I’ve left in my wake, but how? How am I supposed to know when to let go? When is it too soon? How do you know when it’s been too long? Who determines those kinds of answers? When it hurts so much to think about him, how can I possibly let it go?

The foliage in the park looks fuller than I remember. My eyes wander around and find the willow along the pathway that curves around the pond. It hasn’t changed much. I can still picture our blanket stretched on the bank below the slender branches like it was yesterday.

We watch the clouds drift above us, pointing out patterns and shapes. Dean has an eye for boats and turtles, while I find flowers and bunnies.

“When do you think a wish is more likely to come true? When you wish on a dandelion or a shooting star?” I bring the dandelion up to my face and examine the white fuzz flickering in the breeze.

Dean breathes a husky chuckle. “Well, in my professional opinion of wish granting, I believe it depends upon the wish. Dandelions are much more common than shooting stars, so if you have a big wish you want to come true, I think you have to wait for the shooting star.”

“So I can wish a simple wish on a dandelion and have it come true?” I feel my lips turn up.

“Yup.” His lips pop on the “p.”

I close my eyes and blow the dandelion fuzz away.

“A simple wish, huh?” His eyebrow lifts as he tosses some Reese’s Pieces in his mouth.

I nod, tilting my face to look over at him. “Should be simple enough.”

“You think it will come true?”

“It’s possible.”

He leans closer to me. “Is there something I can do to make it come true?”

“Maybe.” I smile shyly and feel the blush rise in my cheeks. He scans my face and the look in his eyes makes me so giddy and nervous I have to look away.

His finger finds my chin and turns me back to him. “Please don’t look away from me, Jack.” And then his lips find mine, and my wish to finally be kissed by him is granted. It’s gentle and slow and absolute perfection as his lips form around mine. Our breathing is shaky and though we’re lying down, I feel myself falling.

I blink and shake my head to clear thoughts of him. I don’t know how Alix convinces me to go out with her. It’s so much easier to stay home. There are no curious eyes, and the possibility of bumping into unwanted company is less likely.

Alix should be here any minute, but she doesn’t come fast enough. An all too familiar figure catches my eye, walking the path around the other side of the pond and he’s not alone. Lily Jamison is walking next to Dean, but it doesn’t click. None of it clicks like it should until she stretches up on her toes and kisses his cheek. It’s as if it all happens in slow motion. He turns and smiles down at her before kissing her lips. Betrayal hits me on a whole new level.

But that can’t be right. I love Grayson, and I don’t own Dean. He was obviously never mine. Lily might have been one of my best friends in high school, but I always knew she had a thing for Dean. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am, and it churns my stomach like a rickety winding roller coaster.

I don’t have time to turn or hide my expression before Dean somehow finds me. It’s not as if he was looking for me. He’s looking down at Lily, and then his gaze lifts, and he’s looking at me. We’re both caught by surprise. I see the guilt that passes across his eyes as if he feels he needs to explain, but he doesn’t owe me anything. We are long past over, and I have no right to stake a claim on him. He’s not mine. He’s clearly no longer mine.

Isn’t there a saying? If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were. But what happens if they return and they still aren’t yours? Was he ever really mine? Or was he always meant to be with Lily? Was I always meant to be with Grayson? Did I lose my only hope at happiness?

Lily doesn’t see me. She’s oblivious to this silent staring contest. She grabs his hand and starts to haul him away on whatever adventure they have planned for this sunny summer day.

He breaks eye contact first, and I hate that it wasn’t me. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that this caught me so off guard that I can’t look away. My eyes can hardly comprehend what I’m actually witnessing.

 
“Hey, you ready?” Alix pops up at my side, placing a hand on my shoulder. I’m staring at them, and I can’t stop. I don’t respond so her eyes locate where my gaze is held, and she says, “Yeaaaah…” as if she was waiting for me to finally find out about them.