Meant for Love (21 page)

“It sucks. It’s like she has to lose him all over again every time we tell her he’s gone. I hate that so much.”

She turned toward him, her arm curling around his waist as she snuggled up to him. “She’s very lucky to have two such devoted sons.”

“She was very devoted to us. The other day, after the incident in the yard, she was totally lucid. She told me how sorry she is to be doing this to us, that we should be married with families of our own by now.” All at once, he caught himself and realized he might be over-sharing. He kissed her forehead. “Sorry. I didn’t come over here to dump all my shit on you.”

“That’s not what you’re doing, Alex.”

“I sort of liked it better when you didn’t know.”

“I’m glad I know, and I hope you’ll never hesitate to talk to me about what you’re going through.”

“It’s not fair to you that I’m getting so involved with you when I don’t have a damned thing to offer you. But I can’t seem to stay away.”

“I’m glad you’re here, and you don’t need to offer me anything other than your company.”

“You and I both know it doesn’t take long for things like this to become far more complicated than that.”

“It doesn’t have to be complicated. I’m not looking to add to your stress level or give you one more thing to worry about every day.”

“You’re too good to be true.”

“No, I’m not,” she said with a laugh that became a yawn.
 

He stroked her hair and back. “Go to sleep.”

“Don’t you have to get home?”

“No, Paul is there. I’ll be right here.”

She exhaled a deep breath and relaxed against him.
 

Holding her while she slept was the best part of what had been a long, shitty day.

He’d dozed off, too, waking when she became restless, her lips moving and her hand clutching his arm. Alex couldn’t tell if she was in pain or dreaming, and he hated to wake her when she was feeling so lousy.

“Toby, wait… Don’t go. Please don’t go.”

“Jenny,” he whispered, kissing her cheek and then her lips. “Wake up, honey. You’re dreaming.”

Her eyes were full of tears that spilled down her cheeks when she opened them, seeming disoriented as she stared at him.
 

Undone by her tears, Alex brushed them away. “Are you okay?”

She nodded, but he could tell she wasn’t okay, especially when the tears kept on coming.

He rubbed her back, trying to soothe her.
 

“I’m sorry,” she said after a long period of quiet. “The dream… It was upsetting.”

“You don’t have to apologize for being upset.” He continued to rub her back, wishing he could do something to make her feel better.

“I’ll be right back,” she said as she got up and went into the bathroom.

Moved by her obvious sorrow, Alex fell back against the pillow, running his hands through his hair while he waited for her. He had so many questions, but he wasn’t sure if he dared to ask any of them.

The water ran in the bathroom for several minutes before she emerged, free of tears, and slid back into bed.
 

“Do you want me to go?”

She turned on her side to face him. “No.”

He took her hand and flattened his palm against hers. “Could I ask you something?”

Nodding, she focused on their joined hands.

“Who’s Toby?”

Chapter 12

Jenny held back a gasp at his gently worded question. She’d had the dream again, twice in the same week, which hadn’t happened since Toby first died. What did it mean that she’d had it again now, right when she’d started something new with Alex?

And she’d obviously spoken in her sleep. What had she said? Did she want to know?

“He… He was my fiancé.”

“Oh.” Alex continued to stroke her hand, his touch sending electric currents up her arm and through her body. “It ended badly?”

“You could say that.”
Tell him! Tell him what happened so it’s out there. I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want him to know. I want to enjoy being with him without my overwhelming tragedy standing between us
.
 

“I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.” She forced herself to look at his face. “Will you tell me what I said when I was sleeping?”

“I don’t want to upset you.”

“I want to know.”

“You said his name and asked him not to go.”

Jenny closed her eyes tight against the unreasonable blast of pain. That it still could hurt so badly after all this time…
 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Okay.”

Jenny immediately felt guilty for holding back when he’d shared so much of his story with her. But she’d seen it happen before. The minute she told him how and when she lost Toby, he would look at her differently. It would color the way he talked to her, the way he touched her, the way he thought of her.

Alex put his arm around her and snuggled her into his chest.
 

She closed her eyes and breathed in the appealing scent of soap and deodorant, trying to relax even as her mind raced with questions about why she’d had the dream—twice—recently. What did it mean? Would it happen again? Would she finally get to relive the final moments she’d spent with Toby? Did she need the answers to those questions before she could move forward with Alex?

“I can almost hear you thinking,” he said, his lips curving into a smile against her forehead.

“Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“Stop being so nice to me.”

“Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”

“Because you’ve told me all about yourself, and I’ve shared very little of me with you.”

“You don’t need to apologize for that. I understand better than most people would.”

“It’s not fair, though.”

“I’m not keeping score. Are you?”

“No, but—”

He kissed her softly and gently. “No buts, no worries. We’re enjoying some time together. That doesn’t mean you have to tell me your deepest, darkest secrets.”

He’d said exactly what she needed to hear, and yet she still felt guilty for holding out on him. Maybe it was because she’d felt an honest, genuine connection to him that she hadn’t had with any of the other men she’d dated since Toby died. Her thoughts wandered to the first man she’d had sex with, years after she lost Toby, and how her overly emotional response had scared him off. That experience had taught her to be wary of how much she shared with potential partners.

Yes
, she thought,
it’s better if he doesn’t know
. Then he wouldn’t feel like he had to be extra careful with her. Besides, he had enough on his plate without being burdened with her stuff, too.

While she was comfortable with her decision, she knew she’d bought herself only a little bit of time. When people learned they were seeing each other—if it came to that—there’d be a risk of him hearing her story from someone else.
 

No matter what, she couldn’t let that happen.

***

The alarm on Alex’s phone went off when it was still dark outside. For a moment, he couldn’t remember where he was. Then he breathed in the scent of Jenny’s hair, which calmed and settled him. Amazing… How did she do that simply by sleeping close to him?

He moved carefully, hoping she would stay asleep for a while longer, but with their arms and legs curled around each other, he couldn’t help but wake her.

“Do you have to go?” she asked in that sleepy, sexy voice that got to him every time he heard it.

“Yeah. I lost all day yesterday, so I need to hit it hard today.”

“Drink lots of water.”

“Yes, ma’am. How do you feel?”

“Better.”

“Good.” He bent to kiss her. “Tonight, if I can get away, I want to take you on a date.”

“Oh…”

“Is that all right?”

“I…um, I thought you wanted to just…you know…have sex.”

“I want that, too.”

“I thought that was all you wanted.”

Alex wished it wasn’t still dark. He’d like to see her face for this conversation. “I’m not going to deny it started out that way. And I’m not going to deny I have my reservations about getting involved with anyone when my life is so unsettled. Despite all that, I like being with you.” He took her hand. “I like how I feel when I’m around you.”

She wrapped both her hands around his in a gesture that comforted him and reinforced his desire to spend more time with her. “How do you feel when you’re with me?” she asked, sounding a bit breathless.

“Calm. When I’m close to you like this, my mind stops racing for a little while, which is a very welcome relief.” He kissed her forehead and then her lips. “And then, other times, I feel anything but calm, but I like that, too. I like that a lot. So… Date? Yes?”

“Okay.”

“You aren’t convincing me it’s what you want.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to go out with you, but part of me enjoys the fact that no one knows about us. The minute we step foot in town together, people will know.”

“I don’t mind that if you don’t.”

“The thing I didn’t want to tell you last night… I’ll need to tell you about that before we go out, before someone else does.”

She sounded so sad and resigned that he almost regretted asking her to go out with him. Almost…
 

“Before we go anywhere, we’ll talk. You can tell me anything you think I need to know. Will that work?”

She released a soft but audible sigh. “Yes.”

“Whatever it is, I don’t want you to worry about telling me. Do you promise you won’t worry all day?”

“I promise I’ll try not to worry.”

“I suppose that’ll have to do. I’ll call you later.”

“Tell Paul I’ll check in with him at some point today to get started at the store.”

Alex sat on the edge of the bed and put on the boots he wore on the bike. “Don’t do that until you’re sure you feel better.”

“I feel much better. Good enough to work.” She raised herself up on one elbow. In the faint early morning light, he could make out her silhouette as she watched him get ready to go. “So when we go on this date of yours, do you think we could take the bike?”

He turned to face her. “Is that what you want?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You gotta wear jeans or long pants, and it’s awfully hot.”

“You don’t wear jeans when you’re on the bike.”

“That’s because I’m an idiot, but I don’t take chances with passengers.”

“So you have a lot of passengers?”

He cuffed her chin playfully. “Not one since I moved home.” Leaning over, propped on his hands, he kissed her one last time. “See you later.”

“Have a good day at the office.”

“Pray for rain.”

“I’m praying. Enough already with this heat. If it’s sucking the life out of me, I can’t imagine what it’s like for you working outside in it.”

“It sucks.” He kissed her again and then one more time, lingering with his lips barely touching hers. “Okay, this time I’m really going.”

“This time I’m really letting you.”

Even though her sweet kisses had him hard as a rock, he bounded down the spiral stairs with a smile on his face. How many hours until he could see her again?

***

For a long time after she heard his motorcycle start and drive away, Jenny lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. She’d told Alex she felt better, and physically she was less sore and achy than the day before. But emotionally… She felt battered by the reoccurrence of a dream that always had the power to crush her with the reminder of what she’d lost.

And that she’d said Toby’s name out loud while Alex was with her… God, what he must’ve thought. He’d been kind and understanding, but Jenny knew the time had come to tell him the truth about her past. It wasn’t fair to keep such a thing from him, especially when they had mutual friends who knew. If she didn’t want him to hear about it from someone else, she needed to find the courage to tell him herself.

It occurred to her that it hadn’t been all that difficult to divulge the details of her past with the other men she’d dated in the years since she lost Toby. This was different, she acknowledged. Alex was different. Their connection was more significant, which made it that much harder to tell him what he needed to hear.

It wasn’t like her past was some big awful secret. But she’d told the story often enough to know that it changed how people viewed her, and she sort of liked the way Alex looked at her now. Would he look at her the same way after he knew? Or would his gaze be tinged by that hint of sorrow others had directed her way once they knew the truth?

She hadn’t missed that since she moved away from home. She hadn’t missed the overwhelming care and concern of the well-meaning people who loved her. Her life was divided solidly in half—before the great tragedy and after. Those who’d known her before had been deeply affected by her loss, so much so that she found it painful at times to be around people she’d known all her life, including her parents and sisters.