Measuring Up (24 page)

“Hey.”

“Hey, Annabel Lee. I missed you.”

The weight starts to lose its pull. “I missed you too. Is everything okay?”

He tries to smile. I physically
see
how much effort he puts into it, but it’s not the same smile I know. It’s not Tegan. “It’s better now.”

As he pulls me toward him, and kisses me, all I think is no, it’s not better. Something’s wrong that he doesn’t want to share with me.

***

Tegan’s arms are shaking as he pushes the weight bar up again. It’s more weight than he usually lifts. More repetitions than he usually does. Each push of the bar, puts a crack in my heart. Something’s off. I feel it in the nausea churning in my gut. See it in fierceness of Tegan’s workout.

“That’s twelve. That’s enough, right?”

“Two more,” he pushes up again, and that’s when it happens. He grunts. Now, I know that’s a ridiculous thing to let bother me, but it does. It echoes through the room until that’s all I hear, because it’s not Tegan’s style. As much as he likes to pretend to be cocky, he’s not a showoff. He doesn’t try and out-lift everyone in the gym, grunting his way to the top by pushing more weight than he can handle. I bite my lip, then jump when the bar clanks back into its spot.

“Tegan.” I touch his arm when he stands up, a little zip of electricity zapping from him to me. “What’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything.” And I can say anything to him, no fear.

He sighs, then drops his head forward. It takes him a few minutes before his e
yes raise to mine again. “Shit.
I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. J
ust tell me what’s going on.”

He grabs my hand and weaves through the workout machines and out the front door. Like always, my hand feels warm in his. Feels right and I know right now we’re going to talk and everything’s going to be better again. He leans against my car, which is parked right in front of the gym and then in that familiar way, he holds my waist and pulls me toward him. His body is tense and when he smiles, it’s the Ken smile.

“I’m all screwed up right now.”

I p
ush myself closer to him, needing
to feel him, all of him, tight against me. “Why? What can I do?”

“Nothing
.” He shakes his head. “I just…
I just have to work it out, but I love you. Just bear with me and I’ll figure it all out.” For the first time, I worry he’s lying to me. Maybe even lying to himself. His voice is off. And even though he might not know it, deep down inside, as deep as the marrow in my bones, I somehow know I
’m going to lose him. How will I
do this without him?

“I’m here. I’ll do anything you need. I’ll always be here for you.”

He brushes my cheek with the back of his hand. “I love you. I’ll work it out.” It’s everything I want, but not enough at the same time, but when his lips meet mine, I can’t help but hope I’m wr
ong. That this is a little blip
in time that means nothing. That things will magically get better by the way his tongue dips so needy, into my mouth.

“Holy shit! Annabel Conway? What the hell happened to you?”

I freeze against Tegan, but it’s nothing compared to the way his body unnaturally stiffens. Pulling away from Tegan, I turn to see Billy and crew. I can’t believe they’re on this side of town.

“It is you.” He elbows Patrick. “Dude, check it out. Annabel has a boyfriend.”

“Who the hell are you?” Tegan steps away from me and toward Billy.

I see a light in Billy’s eyes that tells me he’s about to do something stupid. He knows he’s untouchable. For some reason he likes hurting me. “Tegan, let’s go.”

“Is this him?” He looks at me and I know he knows this is Billy.

“Let’s go back inside.”

“Yeah, go back inside,
Tegan.
You don’t want to mess with me. I’m a friend of your girlfriend’s.” Then he looks at me and I want to puke. “Lookin’ pretty good, Conway. Not quite there yet, but lookin’ go
od. I never would have thought—
”

Before I can stop him, Tegan is in front of Billy. “Walk away. Don’t say another word to her, and walk away.” There’s a fierceness in Tegan’s voice I’ve never heard before.

“Tegan. Come on, he’s not worth it.” I hope, pray he’ll walk away. He locks eyes with me and takes a step away from Billy and toward me. That’s when Billy swings, hitting Tegan in the jaw while he’s not looking.

I scream when Teg
an charges at him. His arms go
around Billy’s middle and they fall to the ground. Billy swings. I
hear
his fist connect with Tegan’s jaw again. Tegan falls off of him, but recovers quickly, punching Billy in the stomach when he comes back at him.

My body is on adrenaline overload. Fear and worry colliding and crashing inside me. “Stop! Both of you stop! Do something,” I yell at Patrick.

“What do you want me to do? I don’t wanna get hit!”

Pain shoots through me when Tegan takes a punch to the gut. He counters it with a swing to Billy, hittin
g him in the nose, blood gushes
everywhere.

“You prick! You made me bleed.”

“Leave her alone, you hear me? Stay
the hell
away from her.” There’s pain in his voice and it doesn’t sound physical. There’s more going on here. This isn’t just about Billy. Tegan turns to walk away again.

“Fuck you.” Billy charges Tegan. They hit the ground again, Tegan kicking Billy off of him. It’s then that the owner of Let’s Get Physical, Jim comes out.

“What the hell is going on out here?” The man is huge. Probably two
Tegan’s
and a Billy put together. I’ve seen him before, but not often.  “Tegan! Are you fighting outside my gym?” Easily, he steps between them. “Are you on the clock?”

“No.” Tegan spits and blood comes out of his mouth. Tears overflow my eyes.

“He works here? He’s crazy. He attacked me. I’m going to sue the hell out of him and anyone else I can. You better believe I’m pressing charges.” Despite being bloody, Billy looks so proud of himself, I have to fight down the bile that’s built in my stomach.

“That’s not true!” I yell, running over to them. “Tegan tried to walk away, but Billy attacked him!”

“That’s not the way I remember it.”

“Yeah, me either.” Patrick agrees with Billy.

“Get the hell off my property,” Jim seethes. “You too, Tegan. You have some nerve bringing this shit to my place.”

“I work in an hour.”

“No, you don’t.”

Tegan’s eyes pop up, meeting Jim’s head on. I see his chest rise and fall he’s breathing so heavily. “Fine.”

In the background, I see Patrick, pulling a laughing Billy away.

“We’ll talk later.” Without a glance at me, Tegan turns and stalks off. I start to run after him.

“Tegan! Wait.”

He turns and looks at me and shakes his head. “I can’t right now. I’m sorry. I just…I just need to be alone.”

And then he’s gone, a trai
l of blood splattering on the sidewalk
behind him,
like breadcrumbs. Alone. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life.

Chapter Twenty-Two

ALONE

I’ve always known news travels fast in Hillcrest, but I didn’t realize how fast until Mom comes home livid, the same night of Tegan and Billy’s fight. I haven’t let go of my cell phone all day, hoping, praying for a text or call from Tegan. I hope he isn’t hurt badly. I can’t stop wondering what I did wrong and if I somehow made him stop loving me.

“Annabel! We need to talk. Now!”

I push my empty bowl of ice cream aside, yep, ice cream. It’s always been my comfort, until Tegan was. Today, I need a little comfort. “Why? We’ve never talked before so what’s the point now?”

She gasps and I’m a little proud of myself. “I’m going to ignore that. Can you imagine my embarrassment when three of my friends called me today to let me know your hoodlum boyfriend attacked Betty’s son?”

There’s no point in trying to set her straight so I don’t. “No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” I pick up my bowl and head back to the kitchen. Of course, Mom follows.

“I’m not sure when you decided it’s okay to talk to me like this, but I can assure you, it’s not. And I won’t have you dating someone who’s violent, Annabel. If he attacked a nice boy like Billy, he could turn that violence on you.”

I sputter, dropping the bowl to the floor, ignoring the shatter of glass. “Tegan would
never
hurt me. He’s not violent. Did you ever think for one minute to ask my side of the story? That maybe he was protecting me? That maybe Billy hasn’t always be
en so nice to me? N
inety percent of teenage boys have probably been in a fight, Mom. It doesn’t make them violent, women-abusing jerks.”

“Your relationship with him is over and what on Earth would Billy do to you?”

I notice how she brings it up second. Her most important issue being Tegan, not the possibility Billy has ever done anything wrong to me. “Well, thank you for your opinion, but no. I love him and I’m not breaking up with him.”

Mom’s face pales. “Oh, Annabel. You don’t love that boy.”

Heat engulfs me. “Oh, really? I wasn’t aware you know or care anything about how I feel.”

It shocks me when she steps forward. “I’m only saying this because I don’t want you to get hurt and he will hurt you, Annabel. You might think you love him, but it’s just because he’s the first boy to ever show you attention. You’re breaking up with him. Hate me all you want, but I’m doing it to protect you.”

Ugh. I’m so tired of crying. Tired of tears and pain.
Open your mouth,
I tell myself.
Tell her you’re
tired of her assuming no one will want because you’re not perfect. That you’re tired of not being good enough for her.
But I can’t. I still can’t and it makes me hate myself even more. “I’m used to being hurt by now, Mom. I’ll take my chances.” With that, I run up the stairs and into my room. Alone again.

***

The next morning, I pull up at our spot for my jog with Tegan. He’s already there waiting for me, his arms crossed as he leans against his car. One look at him, the way his eyes are looking at the ground and not me, the way his shoulders are slumped over and I know. There’s a huge part of me that wants to put the car in reverse and pull away. If I don’t give him the chance to say it, it won’t be true, right?

But I can’t. I try and gather up any courage I can, the stuff that made me shove Pammie, the strength that helped me fall in love with him and use it to push myself out of the car. “Hi.” We usually say hey, why did I say hi?

“Hi. Sorry about yesterday.” There are too many apologies between us lately. It’s not what we’re about.

“It’s okay.” But it’s not.

“No, it’s not.”

“You’re right. I need to work on that, I guess.” It’s something else for me to add to the list. “My mom already found out. She freaked out. She wants me to break up with you.” Did I really just say that?

Tegan’s eyes close and he lets out a heavy breath. His hands are shoved deep into his pockets. Jean shorts. He’s wearing jean shorts and not basketball shorts. He always runs in basketball shorts.

I fight to keep my feet firmly planted to the ground. “Just say it, Tegan.”

He looks at me, something in his eyes I can’t decipher. Looks like pain, but if it is, why is he doing this? “Maybe she’s right…”

I knew it was coming, maybe even before the past couple days. This is what I expected, right? I never thought it would last. But still, pain pierces through my chest with such strength I want to fall over. It spreads over me, slowly taking over my body until it’s all I feel. All I know.

“I mean, it’s not you. Not us. I still love you, but…”

“But what?”
Please don’t say it. Change your mind. Tell me I’m good enough. Tell me you want me forever. That I was wrong and we can last. That we will.

“I lost my job. I know that’s not your fault. It’s mine, but it’s just one more thing. I need that job for the money. To help Mom and for school. And Timmy. I missed his appointment. I never would have done that before, but I did. And they got in a wreck and I wasn’t there.”

“What? Oh my God. Are they okay?” Not Tim, not Dana.

“They’re fine. It was minor, but still.
I wasn’t there.
” He’s pacing and rambling. I’ve never seen him so shook up before. I want to go to him, hug him and make it better, but my feet won’t move.

“Mom was exhausted and I was laughing with you. She almost fell asleep and went off the road. They could have died or been hurt and I was making love to you. I should have
been
there. If I had been there, I would have been driving.” He drops to the curb, hands buried in his hair, his
knee bouncing up and down. “What would I have done if they got hurt? It’s my job to take care of them, Annabel.”

I’m pulled in so many different directions. I want to run and pretend this didn’t happen. Hug him and tell him we can work it out. Yell at him to open his eyes and realize he’s not a superhero, but I can’t. I can’t make myself do any of it.