Measuring Up (20 page)

The room is dead quiet. As always Mom looks perfect, regal in her royal room. She’s almost too calm. Me? I’m a live-wire, thrashing around because I’m not sure I did the right thing. Not sure I should have told them anything.

There’
s a long silence before Dad speaks. “Wow… I’m…I’m in shock here.” He shakes his head, confused, “I’m sorry if you feel like we
expect certain things of you, P
umpkin. You’re mother and I might not always show it in the right way, but we love you. Isn’t that right, Paulette?” As always, it’s Dad who understands. Dad who gets it.

Mom doesn’t. “I want to meet him. Invite him to dinner, Annabel.”

Nausea churns in my stomach. I don’t want Tegan to meet her. I don’t want him to see me through her eyes. “Why?”

“You say this boy is a trainer? At the gym?”

Oh. Now, I get it. She doesn’t think I’m good enough for him. What would a boy who likes to work out want with me? It hurts so much, all of it that I can’t hold it back any longer. “So you haven’t even seen him and he’s too good for me? Just like the pageant was too good for me too? What if I
wanted
to do it, Mom?” I’m not yelling because I don’t have it in me. I just really want to know. I need to know.

She si
ghs. “Annabel, I never said he’
s too good for you and the pageant… You wouldn’t have wanted to do it anyway.”

“What is she talking about, Paulette?” Dad interrupts.

“They had an open space and asked if Annabel would like to participate. I know our daughter, so I told them no. End of story.”

I try to talk past the shake of my chin. “You
lied
and told them I wasn’t available. You thought it would embarrass me? Why would it embarrass me if it’s not because I’m not pretty enough? If I’m not skinny or perfect enough?”

“Oh, Pumpkin. You’re beautiful. You have to know that. Both your mother and I think so.”

Mom looks from Dad, to me. “Of course, I’m the bad guy again. You’re completely twisting what I said, Annabel. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a phone call to make.”

Without another word, she walks out of the room and I’m on the floor in a heap, tears finally falling from my eyes. Dad’s arms come around me, trying to comfort me, but
it makes me cry more. I start mumbling. I don’t get why she hates me. Why she’ll never love me. All I want is to be enough for her.

“Shh, pumpkin. Your mom doesn’t hate you and you
are
enough. Don’t you ever think otherwise.”

I hadn’t realized I spoke out loud. With the heel of my hand, I try and wipe my tears away, but more keep falling.

“She doesn’t know how to express herself very well. She just shuts down, but that’s not your fault. It’s something she needs to work on, but none of this is your fault. I’m damn proud of you, kiddo, and she is too. I’ll talk to her. I’ll fix it.”

For the first time, I realize he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand me. My poor dad doesn’t understand her either.

I pull a
way, shoving the tears aside
. “Daddy, I love you so much, but I don’t want you to fix it. Don’t you see? You’re always trying to make things easier on me and as much as I appreciate it, I have to do it for myself.”

Dad frowns, and I notice the wrinkles around his mouth for the first time. “Do I do that? Make you feel inferior? That’s never been my intention.”

As much as it kills me to hurt him, I have to be honest. He might be the only person in this world beside Tegan that I feel comfortable enough to be honest with right now. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I know you didn’t mean it.”

I’m shocked with the intensity of his hug as he pulls me close to him. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I love you and I believe in you and I hope you know I never wanted to make you feel like I didn’t think you could take care of yourself. I’m not sure if you realize it, but I think you can do just about anything in this world, Annabel.”

Then I’m squeezing him just as tight as he’s squeezing me. Eventually I’m going to have to stand up to Mom, talk to Em, but right now, all that matters is Dad and me. I’ve crossed my milestone and there’s no one else I’d rather have holding me at the finish line.

“Your mom… she’s built differently than we are emotionally, but I promise, she does love you.”

I nod pretending I believe him. He needs me to believe him because he loves us both.

“But I do agree with your mother on one thing. I want to meet the boy who’s special enough to catch your attention.”

Chapter Eighteen

FIGHTING WITH WORDS HURTS MORE THAN FISTS

Talking to Em will be much easier than talking to Mom. At least that’s what I tell myself when I text her that we need to talk. She replies right away and I arrange to pick her up.

“Hey,” she mumbles when she climbs into my car. The slight catch in that one little word tells me how hurt she is. How left behind she feels because she knows something is up. That I’ve been doing something without her while using her for an excuse. The word ‘hey’ vibrates through me, causing little waves of guilt to ripple inside.

She doesn’t ask where we’re going and I don’t offer. I know Em and right now, she’s not up for small talk. Or maybe I’m just being all cowardly lion because I’m honestly freaked out to talk to her. What if she doesn’t understand? What if I’ve ruined the friendship that has saved me so many times because I’ve turned into a liar? A shudder rips through me because if it happens, I probably deserve it. Em doesn’t need many people in her life, but I know she needs me. By cutting her out of this, she’s going to think I don’t need her in the same way.

Instead of bringing her to our spot, I bring her to mine and Tegan’s jogging place. I know he’s at work, so he won’t be here and I don’t want to risk another ‘near Billy experience’ like we had at the pond last time. Without a word she gets out of the car. I follow, walking to the little hideaway Tegan and I found.

“So? What’s up? I’ve been downgraded from BFF to your excuse to go hang out with whoever you hang out with now?” Her hood is up and she’s facing away from me, sitting on top of a picnic table.

My heart is going crazy the way it did on those first runs with Tegan, but for a totally different reason. “You’ll always be my best friend, Em.” I sit beside her. “I just… I know it sounds stupid and probably makes no sense, but I just needed to keep this to myself for a while. I needed to navigate it on my own without anyone else telling me what to do.”

“First, I don’t even know what
this
is. You still haven’t taken the time to tell me and second, when do I ever tell you what to do?”

I can do this. I need to do this.
“It’s not that you really tell me what to do, it’s just…I know you would have tried to talk me out of it and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be talked out of it. I know you care about me, Em. I know you don’t want me hurt, but you’re always there to defend me against Billy. You’re telling me guys are jerks and never to trust them. You’re telling my mom where to stick it and I love you for it, but this time…I just didn’t want to be told I didn’t have to make changes. I didn’t want you to tell me not to trust him. I was scared to death I’d fall on my face, but I think I needed to take that chance on my own.”

“Of course it has to be a guy. I should have known, and since when does sticking up for a friend make me a shitty person?”

“Hey,” I turn so I’m looking at her. “Don’t do that. I never said you were a shitty friend. I just needed to do something for me. Maybe to prove to myself I can? Maybe because I was already scared to death that I couldn’t do it, that he would hurt me and I didn’t want to share that with anyone. I don’t know, Em. Maybe it just made it more real, but Tegan. He’s…”

“So is that why you didn’t want me to meet him? Because your new boyfriend is making you work out because he doesn’t think you’re good enough and he might want me to get a new face, too?”

Anger shoots through me. “I know you’re hurt, but that’s not fair. Tegan wants to meet you. He’s asks about you so much and he would never make me work out. He likes me the way I am. He’s not the judgmental type, Em, I swear it. He’s amazing. So amazing that I think…” I’ve hidden so much from my friend lately that I can’t hide this. There’s no one else I want to share it with. “I think I love him.”

Emily freezes. No movement. I’m not even sure she’s breathing, but then I see her eyes glistening with the familiar shimmer of unshed tears. Suddenly, she pushes to her feet. “Good for you, Bell. You be in love with your non-judgmental boyfriend and keep on forgetting about me. I can’t help but wonder though, if you weren’t worried about what Mr. Perfect would think of me, that maybe you just didn’t want another dirty mark on your reputation. You’re already freaked out about your weight so I guess you didn’t want to add a screwed up friend into the mix, too.”

Despite the heat and the anger simmering inside me, ice begins to slither through my veins. My eyes are starting to tear up now too. Shame, guilt, confusion all tying me up. That’s not true, is it? Was I subconsciously embarrassed of my own best friend? No. No, it can’t be. But maybe it is? I’m not sure I knew it, but she might be right. What kind of person am I? “Em--” My voice cracks and I don’t finish, at a loss of what to say.

“No worries, Annabel. I get it.” She crosses her arms and looks down. “I’d like you to take me home now.”

***

“Come on, slow poke. I’m leaving you in the dust back there. I thought we were going on a jog, not a walk.”

I push myself forward, trying to catch up with Tegan. The fact is, I’m not into it. It’s been two days since my blow-up with Em. Three since the fight with Mom and I don’t have the guts to talk to either of them. I’m not sure I deserve to ever talk to Em again and my heart can’t take being steamrolled by Mom, because as much as I’d like to think I’ve grown, as much as I say I want to do things on my own and stand up for myself, there’s a part of me that still knows I can’t. Not with her.

“We can’t all be as good as you, Gym Boy.” I’m so shocked at the words that fall from my mouth that I don’t realize Tegan has stopped running and I slam into the back of him. “Ouch! Warn a girl, would ya.”

He turns to face me, his hair all windblown and messy. “We’re back to that now? Calling me Gym Boy? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”
Everything.

“Don’t play games with me, Annabel. I think we’re past that. What’s wrong?”

Like always, I can’t help myself from leaning on him. For the past month and a half, I’ve done a lot of leaning on Tegan. Too much? I’m not sure, but right now, I need him. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m a blubbering mess. Tears, those big gasping cries that are
not
cute are echoing through the park and he’s walking, arm around me, to sit me down. Thank God it’s a
deserted area, because I can’t hold myself back from spilling it all. I tell him about dinner, Mom, Dad, Em. How I’m the worst friend in the world and how much I miss her. How scared I am to confront Mom. Everything. I even tell him about the pageant. Tegan doesn’t say a word, letting my verbal river of words break through the dam.

Finally after the hiccup crying is complete and the story told he speaks. “You’re not a b
ad friend. You love Em. No one’
s perfect. I’m not sure you weren’t embarrassed of her at all, but if you were…I get it.”

Not him. He doesn’t screw up, I want to say, but I don’t. “She hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you. She loves you. She’s worried about you and she’ll forgive you, just like you’ll forgive her. Emily isn’t completely innocent here either.”

How is it he always makes me feel better? That his words are like law to me?
Because I’m still not standing on my own. I’m still doing the right things for the wrong reasons and I need to learn how to be strong without Tegan.
“She’ll forgive me?”

“Of course.” He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer. “But you know that. You don’t need me to tell you half the stuff I do. I’m not sure why you think so, but you know it all right here,” he touches my head like he did all those weeks ago when he said I needed to believe I could lose weight. “And here.” He touches my heart again. “When are you going to believe in yourself? To trust yourself?”

“I’m
trying.” But I’m not sure if I really am or if I’m just pretending to.
And him, I’m still confused about something he said. “You get it? How?”

Tegan drops his head into his hands, rubbing his face. He’s been there for me so many times, in so many ways, that I just want to do the same for him, so I grab his hand. “What is it?”

“You know how I said I hate pity?”

I nod my head.

“It’s such bullshit, because on the one hand I hate it, but on the other… I pity myself.”

There is so much pain…
so much regret in his voice, that it tears me up inside. “Why?”

“Not now,” he tries to smile. “You know,” Tegan looks down at me, still holding me tight. “It’s been way too long since I kissed you. Wanna sneak into the bushes and make-out?”

Again, I let him change the subject. “How old are you? I swear, sometimes I think Tim is more mature than you.”