Megan's Way (23 page)

Lawrence began again, “Around Megan, I was
another person altogether, and yet, this warm, loving woman, who so
touched my life, also scared me. I felt so much for her, and I
didn’t know how to make it okay. I suppose I just want to say to
her, to Megan, you were an inspiration to me. You touched my life.
You gave me a friendship without demands and filled my heart with
happiness. It made me happy to see you whole, you and Olivia. I’m a
better person for knowing you.” He lowered his head. “Megan was so
confident in her life, so complete, and shortly after we met, she
was pregnant with Olivia.” Lawrence looked around at the
questioning eyes that looked upon him. “I wish Olivia had been my
child,” he took a deep breath. “I wish that Megan and I could have
remained together, had a family.”

Olivia let out a little laugh and
instinctively darted her eyes toward Jack. Holly and Jack tightened
their embrace around her shoulders.

“I didn’t want to disrupt Megan’s life. I
always thought, at some point, we might find each other in that
way, and I would tell her how I felt, but the time never came. In
all the years since, we were so comfortable in our relationship for
what it was, that I was scared to step out of that—scared that I
might mess up and lose what was so perfect. I was satisfied with
the part of Megan that she gave me, and afraid to ask for more.” He
took two steps forward and bowed his head, his hands clasped under
his chin. “Thank you for listening. I should have said all of this
to Megan. I do love her, even now, when she is beyond my reach.”
With this confession, he walked slowly to his seat.

There were hushed whispers as he made his way
around the chairs, the murmurs reached the heavens and snapped
Megan out of her trance-like state. The river flowing below her was
as blue as Lawrence’s eyes, and rushed in a calm, even flow toward
the clouds. Megan worried that it might dampen the afternoon and
whooshed herself through the air in one fluid, graceful movement
until she lay across the cloud. The river redirected above her
form, never touching it, as if instinct drove it higher into the
sky, and it disappeared into the vast abyss far above the
clouds.

Megan swooped down toward earth, trying to
reach Lawrence. She was close enough to feel his heat, yet he was
oblivious to her. She reached out to touch his arm.

He rubbed his arm, as if a bug had landed
there. He looked down at the spot he has just rubbed, and peered
intently, looking for the prickle that he felt.

She tried again, reaching out and placing her
palm on top of his. She closed her eyes, somehow understanding,
knowing that he had to believe, really believe, in order to feel
her touch. She was not sure how she knew that, but she had no
question it was so.

Megan’s scent reached his senses, and
Lawrence found himself looking for her, expecting her to be right
beside him. He took a long, deep breath, but the scent was gone, as
if it had been swept away with the wind. She realized she wouldn’t
be able to reach him and regretfully, pulled away.

When the din around the lighthouse quieted,
and it was clear that everyone who wished to speak had done so,
Jack came forward. His eyes were red, his face strained, saddened.
He stood silently for a moment, his hand clasped in front of his
mouth, his eyes closed. The guests were silent, waiting. He looked
up and took in all of Megan’s friends and family. His heart panged
with hurt and sadness. Jack closed his eyes again and took another
deep breath, inhaling the taste of the ocean and remembering their
one intimate weekend together.

Just as the whispers began, Jack opened his
eyes and looked toward the sea. He smiled. His words came lightly,
warm, and full of love. “Thank you for coming to say goodbye to
Megan. She was a special person to us all.” He looked at the faces
of those who had known Megan, who loved her. He saw smiles and
tears, and understood both. “Megan was someone that took no
figuring out. The person she was was the one that she let us all
see.” He looked at Lawrence, “She loved you, Lawrence.”

Lawrence bowed his head, closed his eyes, and
nodded. “She loved each of you.” He stretched out his hands, palms
up, and brought them around his body to rest at his sides. “Megan
knew she was going to pass on. She tried, even in death, to make
life less painful for each of us. She was protecting us.” Jack eyed
Olivia, who was listening intently to his words. He winked, and she
smiled and then looked down, absently fingering her tear-soaked
tissue. “Megan isn’t gone, you know. She is still with us. She
lives on in Olivia and in our hearts.”

Jack walked to the tiger lilies that were
artfully arranged at either the side of the first row of chairs. He
took a flower in each hand and passed it down the row of people,
who in turn passed it along to the next, and so on. He continued
this with each row until each person held a beautiful bright
orange-and-salmon lily in his hand. The tall stems raised the
flowers high. Jack walked back to the front of the group and held
the flower up above his head, toward the sky.

“These were Megan’s favorite flowers.” He
lowered the flower and held it against his heart. “I remember when
we were kids at summer camp. She would sneak off to the woods just
to find them and stealthily sneak back with a bundle of lilies
under her arm.” He laughed at the memory, at the happiness it had
brought her. “She did this at least once each week, year after
year. Each and every time she was scolded by the counselors for
sneaking off, but she didn’t care. Megan would give each counselor
a flower and apologize. She always kept one for herself and one for
me. She had those hidden, though. She stashed them at the edge of
the forest. She would sneak out late at night and retrieve the
flowers, then come to my bunk, the boys’ bunk, sneak in, and lay
one next to me while I slept.” He looked down. “I hadn’t remembered
that until just now.” Jack looked toward Holly, whose face was wet
with fresh tears. “Megan let us all know she loved us. She had her
ways, even without words. I think she would have liked to say thank
you to each of you for seeing her off. She would have given you
these flowers herself had she been here. It was her way—silent,
meaningful. Thank you.” He raised the flower to his nose, breathed
in deeply, and walked back to his seat.

The ceremony came to an end, and the guests
mingled in small groups. Megan felt Olivia’s sadness before she saw
her. She swooped down and scanned the beach.
Where is she?
Olivia? Reach out to me
.

Olivia was hidden in the dune grass on the
side of the lighthouse that faced the ocean, tucked tight within
herself—her knees pulled in to her chest, arms wrapped around them,
her head buried in between.
Oh, Mom
, she thought.
You are
really gone. What am I going to do without you?
Tears streaked
her sullen face.
I can’t do this, Mom. I can’t go on without
you. You shouldn’t have left me. I thought I could do it, but I
can’t. I’m not strong enough!

Megan was drawn to her. It was as if a force
were pulling her form through the clouds and toward the lighthouse.
She passed the enormous light on the top, which was dormant in the
summer sun. Her form glided around the lighthouse, worked its way
toward the grass on the far side. She swept down behind Olivia,
recognizing the top of her silky hair and holding back her own
tears at the sight of her daughter’s pain.

You must go on, Olivia. I filled your
heart with love, as you did mine. You have a wonderful life ahead
of you. Live your life. Please, live your life. I am here for you.
I will always be here for you
.

Megan reached out and tried to touch Olivia’s
shoulder. Though Megan could not feel her daughter’s youthful skin,
she saw Olivia’s muscles in her arms grow tense.
Good. Feel me,
Livi. I’m here. You’re okay.

Olivia felt warmth on her shoulder. She
sniffled as she lifted her head slowly. The faint smell of lavender
and coconut wafted through the air.
Mom?
“Mom?” she said
softly. Her heart pounded in her chest. Her body began to tremble.
She turned her head swiftly from side to side, waiting to see her
appear. “Mom, are you here?” she asked anxiously.

Yes! Yes, baby, I’m here!

“Mom? I…I felt you,” Olivia whispered as she
stood and looked around frantically.

Megan put her hands on Olivia’s shoulders
again, hovering in front of her, willing her to feel her presence.
I’m here, Livi. I’m here!

Olivia smiled, sighed, oblivious to her
mother’s words. Her eyes darted from left to right. “I know you’re
here somewhere, Mom. I can feel you,” then added, sadly, “but why
can’t I see you?”

“Peter, I’m so glad that you brought Cruz
with you,” Holly smiled at Cruz, then at Peter.

“It was about time, huh?” Peter squeezed
Cruz’s hand. “Megan?” Holly asked, knowingly.

“Yeah, Megan. She made me realize that life
doesn’t go on forever. I can’t sit around and hope Cruz will stick
by me for however long it takes.” He put his arm around Cruz.

Cruz squinted his dark eyes and said, “You
know I’d wait. You and I, we’re like…I don’t know, peanut butter
and chocolate, I guess. We go together whether you want us to or
not.” He smiled.

“Well, I’m glad you are sticking around,
Cruz, because Peter can be a royal pain in the ass! I’ll need
someone else for him to bother,” she laughed.

“That’s not fair, my mother—”

Holly interrupted, “I know, your mother left
you when you were small. Peter, I feel for you, I really do, but
it’s about time that you let that crutch go and decide to let Cruz
in.” She put her arm around Cruz, who nuzzled into her and let go
of Peter’s hand. “Really let him in, Peter. He’s a great guy, and
he’s not your mother!”

Peter kicked at a stone. “I know. It’s hard
to trust. I should probably go back to therapy or something.”

“Whatever it takes, P,” Cruz said
encouragingly.

“Guys, where’s Olivia?” Holly asked, suddenly
aware of her missing presence.

“I saw her earlier. She was walking around
the lighthouse.” Cruz started off toward the lighthouse. “C’mon,
we’ll check it out.”

Peter took his hand. Holly hurried beside
them. “Jack,” she called out, “where’s Olivia?”

Concerned, Jack looked around, motioned with
a shrug, his palms held up. “I’ll look around,” he yelled.

Olivia heard a rustling of feet through the
dune grass. She turned toward the sound and wiped her eyes.

“Hey.”

Olivia turned at the sound of the boy’s
voice. “Over here,” he said.

This time Olivia followed his voice. Behind a
bundle of bushes she saw a boy who appeared about her age. He
smiled, flashed a row of perfectly straight white teeth and
deep-set dimples. Olivia smiled back and answered tentatively,
“Hey.”

“They’re coming to find you,” he said. “If
you hurry, you can hide in here with me.”

Olivia thought for a moment about the last
time she went with a boy she didn’t know. A chill ran down her
back. Her hesitation reflected in her immediate frown. She looked
toward the encroaching voices and back at the boy.
He looks
nice
. “What are you doing back there?” she whispered
loudly.

“Watching you,” he said. Jason peered out of
the bushes at the people milling about, the flowers, the chairs set
up like little soldiers. Then he noticed the clothes—everyone was
dressed in black, “Was there a funeral or something? You look so
sad.”

“Yeah. Well, kinda anyway.” She walked slowly
toward the bushes.

“They’re coming! Quick, back here!” he said
and ducked behind the bushes.

Olivia lifted her dress away from the prickly
leaves and crouched behind the bushes. She was eye to eye with the
lanky boy.

His hazel eyes danced with delight and
mischief as he flicked his chestnut hair off of his forehead with a
quick jerk of his head. His long bangs fell immediately back in
place just above his brown eyes. “Hey,” he said quietly.

His voice sent chills down Olivia’s spine,
landing in the pit of her stomach. “Hey,” she whispered back.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Olivia said. “Why are you here?
in the bushes, I mean.”

“My name’s Jason,” he said. He reached out
and shook her hand.

“Olivia.” His hand was warm. His long boney
fingers were much longer than Olivia’s. He held her hand for just a
second longer than was necessary, and despite herself, butterflies
rushed through Olivia. She cleared her throat.

“What are you doing here?” she asked
again.

“I live over there.” He pointed to a Cape
Cod-style home with additions on both sides and a large deck that
overlooked the water. “I saw you guys come into the parking lot, so
I came to see what was going on. I watched the service, or whatever
it was.” Jason looked at the lighthouse and the people milling
around it. He whispered, “Why were you alone?”

Olivia watched Holly and Peter, wondering,
she knew, where she could possibly have gone. They would be
frightened for her safety. She felt badly for hiding, but
desperately wanted to be alone—but she was not alone, and suddenly
she felt as though it was okay not to be alone. “I just wanted to
be.” She looked back at him and felt that funny tingle run up her
body again.

“I know what you mean,” Jason said. He turned
his back to Olivia and motioned for her to follow him.

“Where are we going?” Olivia asked. She
wasn’t sure she should follow him. She looked back over her
shoulder at Holly who was beginning to get frantic. “I should tell
them where I’m going,” she said and turned toward the
lighthouse.

“I thought you wanted to ditch them,” he
said.