Melt (16 page)

Teresa asked her in for a drink, then told her how smart and special she was, and told her something she hadn’t heard before, that she was a desirable woman. After a second drink that left Jordan light-headed, Teresa made her move. She pulled Jordan against her and kissed her, deep and luxuriously, easily coaxing her body into a desperate longing. Lonely and unsophisticated, Jordan offered little resistance to the older woman’s advances. Teresa easily won her and they became lovers. There was guilt, but not enough to drive Jordan away. She rapidly became obsessed with Teresa, spending almost every afternoon in her bed, ignoring her thesis, skipping classes, employing every excuse to keep her in the blissful embrace of her illicit lover. Within days, she was hopelessly in love. Teresa used her body every way imaginable, invaded her mind and possessed her heart. She thought of nothing else day and night but the craving need that overwhelmed her. So much so that she worried that the rest of her life was turning to shambles. But when she tried to resist, Teresa would call her and say, “Oh, sweetheart, please come to me today. I’m so lonely and I love and need you so.” Jordan had no power to say no.

It went on for weeks and it was magnificent!

Until Lonnie, as his wife called him, found out.

He was deeply hurt and betrayed…by both of them. He quit as Jordan’s advisor, of course. His wife told him that it had been a lark, that she had no feelings for the girl. Jordan didn’t believe it and decided Teresa was merely saying that to avoid hurting her husband. But Teresa wouldn’t see her again and was thoroughly cold when Jordan tried to talk to her.

Somehow, news of the affair was leaked to the rest of the faculty, percolating down through the student body as well. Years later, Jordan finally began to understand that the only person who could have spread the rumor was Teresa herself. Alonzo Marquette had been thoroughly humiliated.

He had always told Jordan that she would someday be a valuable asset to science. But after the affair was revealed, he told her, with uncharacteristic disgust, that she had thrown away everything she could have been for “a piece of tail.” It was possible he was more disappointed in her than he was in his wife.

Jordan was devastated. She had lost the woman she loved and the man who believed in her all in one blow. She had lost her place of privilege and her path to glory. She had lost everything, in fact, that mattered to her.

The soaring star of her career fell from the sky. The story thankfully never reached a court or a newspaper. It was a scandal contained within the halls of academe, but the halls of academe were Jordan’s world, so it was sufficient to destroy her. She left Cornell. It was too uncomfortable there with everyone knowing what had happened. Besides, she couldn’t bear to approach another member of the staff to work with her.

Once she had had time to reflect and recover, she began to believe that all Teresa had ever wanted, from the beginning, was to inflict pain on her husband. She had wanted to take away something that represented hope, the offspring of his intellect. Eventually, she understood that she’d been used. She’d been a fool.

After a period of painful recovery, she decided there was nothing more important to her than finishing her degree and doing the work she had set out to do. She decided she could do it without the endorsement of her mentor, of any mentor. At least she hoped she could, so she applied to Chicago and worked hard with a single-minded focus and a determination greater than any she had felt before.

Above all, she pledged to herself that she would never again be derailed by her emotions. Her career was the most important thing in her life. To jeopardize it for “a piece of tail” was the most idiotic thing imaginable. It would never happen again. She would be beyond reproach in every way. She would never win back Professor Marquette’s respect, she knew, but there would be nobody else who would ever find her foolish or frivolous.

By the time Kelly came along, Jordan had gotten her toe in the door and was on her way. Kelly had always seemed mildly threatening to her, even as an innocent young woman without an ounce of guile in her. She’d been infatuated with Jordan, but she hadn’t been a seductress by any means. She’d been shy and earnest, easy to predict and easy to control. She had lacked self-confidence, so she never pushed for what she wanted.

Kelly had also seemed a little sad in those days. Her parents were divorced and her mother, with whom she lived, suffered from depression and alcoholism. She was a sloppy, self-pitying kind of drunk who could make a child feel guilty for merely existing. Kelly never said anything like that about her mother, but it was evident from what she did say that her home life was oppressive and her spirit yearned for an escape. Her two older sisters had already left home, so it was just Kelly and her defeated mother.

Jordan had been moved by her, and had wanted to be the one to rescue her and give her every possible means of reaching her goals. She had felt a tenderness toward her that hadn’t happened with anyone else. Not a student, not even a lover. Jordan had advised her, encouraged her and tried to make her feel capable, but had kept her at a distance all the while. Despite her innocence and transparency, Kelly had been a beguiling temptress.

The temptation of Kelly had been a test Jordan had passed. Except for that one goodbye kiss. That had been a mistake. A foolish risk. Fortunately, it hadn’t turned into anything. But it had shown Jordan that she wasn’t completely immune to her self-destructive impulses. Since then, she had steeled herself even more against her treacherous heart, determined that it would never undermine her again.

When she said goodbye to Kelly for the last time, she felt she had barely escaped a disaster that could have ruined her. An affair with a student, especially one so virginal and impressionable, would have been the height of folly. She never let a student get that close to her again. Anyone else who had gotten close had touched only her body.

Incredibly, here she was again, nine years later, evoking an old ambivalence in Jordan. She was happy to see her, but keenly on guard against the feelings of fondness seeping in from the past.

“One thing I try to do,” Kelly was saying, gesturing with an open palm, “is capture the truth of a subject. To catch it in just the right light, at the right angle, at the right moment so it reveals itself, or at least an aspect of itself that is so true it looks like something you’ve never seen before. To capture it at its most pure and honest, when it’s nothing but itself.”

Jordan made an effort to concentrate on the present. “Are you talking about inanimate objects?”

“It doesn’t matter. It applies to everything, including people. I think photography is unique among the arts because it’s the only one that doesn’t invent its own reality. With music and writing and painting, the artist creates something that doesn’t exist in the real world. Even a painting of an object isn’t a replica of it. But a photograph is an exact likeness of something that’s already there. The real value of a photograph is that it freezes a moment in time forever. Just like the ice does.” Kelly paused, looking suddenly self-conscious.

Jordan gazed patiently at her, listening, looking at the light in her eyes, thinking about the changes in her looks and manner. She had been attractive back then, no doubt about it, but now she was much more beautiful than she ever was as an undeveloped, untested, unscarred girl of nineteen. Jordan had never much liked the looks of young women of that age. They were so unfinished, as if a painter had done a preliminary sketch and hadn’t yet filled in all the fine details. It’s the details that make a person’s face resonate interest. And details come from living.

“Some people don’t see the art in a photo,” Kelly said. “Because it’s a replica made by a machine. Like what I was just saying. It’s not something invented. But a good photographer can add something so there’s no way you would have had the same experience of the subject if you’d just happened past it on the street. Do you know what I mean?”

Jordan nodded. “I think so. A photographer sees something other people don’t see and then tries to convey that vision in the photograph.”

“Exactly! Ordinary scenes or objects that you’d never think of as photo-worthy, even. Like a worn-out saddle on a fence post. In the photo, it’s presented with as much of its raw beauty or ugliness or whatever is true about it that people look at it with new eyes and feel something they couldn’t have felt without the photo.” Kelly’s shoulders relaxed and she smiled.

She had changed. She seemed full of confidence and poise. And passion for her work. Jordan felt enormously proud of her. Not that she could take any credit for it. Whatever sort of woman Kelly had become, she had achieved it on her own. The best Jordan could claim was that she hadn’t damaged her in any way. Kelly had come to her with her delusions about love intact and had left in the same condition. If she had grown cynical since then, she had someone else to blame for it.

“That was extremely eloquent,” Jordan said. “I’d say you’ve chosen the right career.”

Kelly sighed. “I guess I wasn’t that good at science.”

“Oh, you were a good student. But I don’t think your heart was ever at home there. I’m really happy to see you’ve found your calling. I know Chuck wouldn’t have asked you along if you weren’t good.”

* * *

While they had been talking, especially once Kelly started talking about her work, Jordan had seemed to relax and warm up. She had managed to deflect the conversation away from the subject Kelly had come to talk about, their relationship. Truthfully, she wasn’t sure what she’d come to say. She had just wanted to have a private chat and see where it led, get to know Jordan again. In her mind’s rehearsals, she had often poured out her heart to Jordan and declared, “I still love you!” Invariably, in these failed fantasies, Jordan would shield her face with her hands and say, “Oh, no! Not again!”

Kelly would spare her that tonight. She had matured enough to know that saying “I love you” to someone who couldn’t reciprocate was a demanding and selfish act. Not that she didn’t feel it. The way she felt tonight she might have been that silly girl all over again. It would almost be worth making a fool of herself if she could inspire Jordan to kiss her once more like she had all those years ago. The first kiss had lasted her nine years. Maybe the second…

“Thank you for the tea,” Jordan said decisively, putting the empty cup on the edge of the table.

“Thanks for the chat,” Kelly replied. Understanding it was time to go, she stood and collected the mugs. “I just wanted to tell you,” she ventured, “that I appreciate everything you did for me back then and how kindly and wisely you handled it.”

Jordan nodded. “I’m glad to see how well you’ve done, Kelly. See you in the morning.”

Chapter Sixteen

Jordan woke to a beeping sound. She rolled over and opened her eyes, noting the stiff muscle in her neck. It had been a restless night. As she sat up, she remembered Kelly’s visit from the previous evening. She was sure there had been some purpose to that other than chatting over a cup of tea. Or maybe not. She had no reason to be suspicious. Maybe Kelly just wanted to catch up.

There was that beep again. She glared at the sheet hanging between her and the computer, then slipped on her thongs and walked over to discover a message from Ilulissat Search and Rescue. She read it, then quickly dressed and went outside into the cool morning air. Malik was in the kitchen mixing something in a bowl.

“Good morning,” he said cheerfully.

“Morning. Is there coffee?”

“Yes. It has just finished perking.”

She poured a mug and took a temperature-testing sip. “What are you making?”

“Pandekager,” he replied with a grin.

Of course, she thought. When it was his turn to make breakfast, it was always pancakes. Last week he had proposed making them for dinner as well, but Brian had a fit, so they had hot dogs instead.

“Greenlandic pandekager,” Malik elaborated.

“Really? How so?”

“I picked some fresh bilberries yesterday.” He tipped the bowl so she could see the berry-studded batter.

“Sounds good.” Jordan sat down at the table as Julie arrived and grabbed a mug from the counter. “Julie, could you wake up Kelly? I have some news for her.”

Julie nodded and walked over to Sonja’s tent. A few minutes later Kelly emerged wearing a sweatshirt and Sonja’s too-long sweatpants, her hair askew, her eyes bleary. She looked adorably disheveled. Jordan felt lighthearted at the prospect of delivering good news to her.

“I hope it’s not too early for you,” Jordan said. “But I thought you’d want to hear the news as soon as possible. Your friend Pippa was found and flown back to town last night. She’s okay.”

“Oh!” Kelly’s hands flew to her face, then she heaved a deep sigh.

“I suppose you want to get back as soon as possible to visit her in the hospital.”

“Hospital? But you said she was okay.”

“She has a concussion and a twisted ankle, so they’re keeping her for observation. They said she was conscious and alert when they found her. Just a little dehydrated. Apparently she’d fallen into a ravine or something. Thanks to you, she’s safe now.”

Kelly sank into a chair. “Jordan, thank you so much for everything.”

“You’re welcome. I’m glad we could help. Malik’s going to town in a while to get some supplies. He can take you back. So I’ll see you when you come out with Chuck.” She turned to Malik. “Malik, when the pancakes are ready, could you bring me a couple? I’ve got some work to do this morning before we head out to the field.”

She walked rapidly to her tent, glad to be away from Kelly’s stare. As long as Jordan had been able to see her as a child, she didn’t have to be taken seriously. But now she was a woman. Beautiful and complex with depth and nuanced hues. There was no denying the physical attraction Jordan felt toward her, but it wasn’t a comfortable feeling. When Kelly looked at her, she seemed to be looking right inside her. It made it hard to look her in the eye and it made her want to run and hide.