Mercy's Angels Box Set (12 page)

              It seemed I had suddenly developed a chronic case of verbal diarrhea or the content control portion of my brain was on the fritz. Once the words started coming out, they didn’t stop, like a train master who was simply unable to pull the train up in time, I just motored on. What would Jax think of me now, his little drug addicted, whoring Angel? God I was as pathetic as Marcus told me. The disrespect I had shown myself, my body was shameful and then to top it off, I was running like a scared little rabbit, still allowing Marcus to control my life. I was living every second of every day with Marcus in my mind and it had to stop. Regardless of what Jax now thought of me, he said he would find out if Marcus was still searching for me, so that was a start. I could only hope that he had moved on to bigger and better things and if so, maybe I could have a future here in Claymont, anywhere for that matter. If I didn’t have to live in fear of Marcus, I could go anywhere or be anything. I rubbed my head which thundered like a jackhammer. I felt ill for having spilled my guts, old memories had been cracked open and I just wanted to curl up somewhere and forget. It was at times like this I could understand how easily I had fallen into the deep abyss of escape. Drugs and alcohol gave me that escape, but there was no way I would allow myself to travel that path again. It only lead to self-loathing, to self-harm. The occasional fruity cocktail was as far as I would drive that train, I was a reformed addict who needed to finally get a grip on my life. I needed to make changes and plan for a future.

Jax had left, he said he needed to make some phone calls and now I stood in the middle of the common room, my head spinning with thoughts of past, present and a possible future. I noticed Annie by her and Eli’s bed. She looked so happy and she had every right to be. She had her own apartment, she would be leaving soon. I watched her for a moment as my mind recognized a crazy idea beginning to take shape. If I were to be honest, it had been gradually taking shape since I’d gone to see the apartment with Annie this evening. My feet began moving towards her before I had even realized what I was going to do and say.

              I stood before Annie, watching her as she carefully folded clothes, tucking them away in her suitcase. She glanced at me and smiled.

              “Penny for your thoughts Ella?” she asked as she continued to tidy up the small area she had tried to make somewhat homely with a few toys and a small framed picture of her and Eli.

“You look happy,” I noted. She finally shut the suitcase and sat on the edge of the squeaky bed.

              “Less than a week and we’re out of here. I’ve never had my own place. My husband and I were together in high school, then college. We always lived together. I am excited about having something that’s my own.”  I understood wanting your own things, your own space and it made me think what I was about to ask was simply selfish. But the quote ‘nothing ventured nothing gained’ rang over and over in my splitting head. I shuffled from one foot to the other nervously, playing with the imaginary dirt on the floor before me.

              “What’s on your mind Ella?” Annie asked again patiently watching me.

              “Umm, I was hoping to ask you a favor.” Annie patted the space beside her, suggesting I should sit. I did but instead of nervously shifting on my feet I now nervously fiddled with the drawstring on my hoody.

              “I know you’re just getting on your feet and the fact you just said you were looking forward to having your own place kind of makes me reluctant to now ask you this. So you can say no and I would prefer you did rather than take pity on me, I don’t need pity.” I was blabbering.

              “Ella, if you need somewhere to stay for a while you’re more than welcome to stay with us. As long as you’re happy with sleeping on a couch, which to be honest can’t be any worse than the beds here, I’d love to have you stay with us.”

              I stared at her, surprised. I really had talked myself into expecting a resounding no. “Are you sure?”

              “Actually I sort of hoped that by taking you with me tonight you might have thought of coming to stay for a while. Can you pay a little towards expenses?” She asked, as if an afterthought.

              “Of course, I’ll pay my way I’ll give you money towards rent and food. And if you need me to watch Eli I can do that too.” Annie smiled.

              “Excellent. Then you will be helping me out. I’ve been offered a couple of dinner shifts at the diner and I would like to take them but I need someone to watch Eli. It would be Friday and Saturday nights, so it might cramp your social life a little.” I laughed loudly.

              “I barely have a life let-a-lone a social life. It’s fine, really. I work Tuesday to Saturday until five each day, so I’m completely free for babysitting duty in the evenings.” Annie clapped her hands together with excitement.

              “Perfect.” I still wasn’t sure if she might regret this sooner rather than later.

              “It won’t be for too long, just until I get on my feet with enough money to get a share room or small apartment. And you can ask me to leave at any time I can always come back here.” Annie smiled and took my hand in hers.

              “Honey, you shouldn’t be here. None of us should be here. If I can help you get out than I would feel like I am somehow paying back Mercy’s Shelter for taking care of Eli and me.” I was no longer completely homeless. I had moved from an uncomfortable lumpy bed in a homeless shelter to a couch. I had lived in share accommodation before, never any less than four people in the one place at a time. It was cramped and the complete lack of privacy was downright uncomfortable. Living with Annie and Eli would be the closest I had come in four years to something that would almost resemble a normal family living situation. I smiled, suddenly feeling a little giddy, excited and nauseous all at the same time.

              “Thank you Annie,” I breathed with relief and she squeezed my hand and smiled back at me.

              “Us girls have to stick together,” she smiled before I slipped away to my own bed.

              My sleep that night was restless filled with horrifying visions of Marcus. I vaguely remember Mercy brushing my hair tenderly and whispering words to help sooth me back to sleep. When I finally woke, instead of feeling refreshed and wakeful I felt exhausted and emotional. I needed to keep myself busy, completely immerse my brain with something other than the bitter memories. Work was a great distraction. Rebecca excelled in keeping me on my toes and smiling. She had a sharp wit and humor that had us both laughing all day long. Once back at the shelter the snow had begun to fall and I was starting to feel a little trapped in the warehouse. Annie was working, Eli was off playing with Dave. I was still restless, my memories having been cracked open the night before were obviously affecting me more than I thought they would. I walked aimlessly around the shelter. There really wasn’t much to do. Even the bathrooms were clean as a whistle but eventually my edgy temperament got the better of me and I decided to clean them again. When I finally reached the last bathroom, the smallest cubicle, I noticed a shiny bronze plaque at the bottom of one wall. I knelt down and gave it a rub with the rag, running my fingers over the words inscribed into the shiny metal.

Rest now sweet Sarah in contented silence with no more yesterday’s or tomorrow’s to trouble you. Now is a time to forgive life and be at peace.

              I sat for the longest time reading and re-reading the quote, wondering who Sarah was. How did she die and why was the plaque here, in a bathroom of all places? Eventually I moved out of the small bleach filled room and found myself descending the stairs to the basement. The punching bag hung innocuously in the center of the room. A pair of training gloves sat on a bench and I thumbed them nervously. They were definitely going to be a little big, but I slipped them on anyway a small part of me reveling in the fact that they belonged to Jax. I approached the bag nervously and gave it a small nudge. Then I fell into the stance Jax had shown me and gently began tapping the bag. After a while I picked up my thrusts and put a little more force behind each punch, imagining this was Marcus’s body I was attacking, slamming my fist into him as he had slammed his fists into me. Strangely it didn’t bring me the contentment I hoped it would. Sweat fell from my brow, my hair clung to my skin and I pulled off my t-shirt and long sleeved thermal, leaving me in a sports bra and cargos. I swept my hair into a messy knot on my head, slipped the gloves back on and resumed my relentless attack on the inoffensive punching bad, releasing all the energy and rage that had been building inside. Finally my arms gave out aching with fatigue and I leant against the bag, allowing the cool touch of the canvas to seep into my skin.

              “You’re a natural.” Jax’s voice startled me and I spun around to face him. He was standing at the bottom of the staircase, watching me carefully. I somehow stopped myself from wrapping my arms around the bare skin of my stomach, but his eyes didn’t stray below my face and for some reason I was disappointed. Why would he want to look at my body? I was just a scarred, broken, used girl that no real man would ever want.

              “I’ve spoken to an old friend who was in the forces with me. He works security now and is going to look into Marcus for us. He’ll be discreet. You have nothing to worry about, he won’t slip up. Hopefully it won’t take more than a week or two to find out where Marcus is and if he’s still trying to find you.”

              I had no idea how anyone could find out such information but I didn’t question it. I had to try and put trust in Jax. If he said he could do this and keep me safe, then perhaps he could. Right now, with dreams beginning to form and take shape in my life, I needed to believe he could.

“Do you feel up to working on those triggers and breathing techniques I told you about?” The night before had been rough and the day not much better, I wasn’t sure if I was up to it but for some reason I didn’t want to disappoint Jax, so I nodded. He walked cautiously forward, his eyes on mine, ignoring my scars and my body. Perhaps he found my scars as ugly as I did. “I want to know how you’re handling the fear today. You will be facing away from me, so I won’t be able see your face. We’ll use a number system, okay?” I nodded as he stood facing me.

              “One is perfectly fine, ten is shit has hit the fan.” A small grin tugged one corner of his mouth and I managed a small smile in return. He motioned with his hand for me to turn around and reluctantly I did. My eyes were closed and my back prickled with awareness waiting for his heat to whisper across my skin. My body was tense with nervous anticipation.

              “What number angel?” I thought about it for a moment. I was fine, a little nervous, but definitely a long way off a panic attack.

              “Three.”

              “Okay. A panic attack is a reaction to fear, so recognizing it and managing it is your first step. I’m going to touch you now angel.” As promised, his hand rested on my shoulder. My heart stuttered, curiously though it wasn’t with fear, it was with something else entirely that pulsed from his touch right through to the junction between my thighs. Then his other hand was gently rested on my other shoulder. Still no fear but perhaps something akin to desire caused my nipples to harden. Oh god I hoped he didn’t notice.

              “Angel, number,” Jax murmured.

              “Um, four maybe?” Jax then stepped in closer and I could feel the length of him down my back, his body was rigid and swamped with a delicious heat that soaked into my skin. I felt his breath on my neck then ever so slowly his arms wrapped around my shoulders and chest, holding me close. And there was the panic, floating through my body like an ugly spirit. My breath sped up and I fought the inevitable attack.

              “Control your breathing, long deep breaths you’re going to count it. You breathe in for five through your nose and then out for five through your mouth.” I obeyed, counting a little too quick but counting never-the-less. “Now I want you to curl your toes and squeeze the muscles in your feet, count to five then relax, then do the same with your legs, thighs, stomach, all the way up to your eyes.” I did while Jax continued to hold me close, still taking breathes that were too shallow and quick through my nose and out through my mouth. After a few minutes Jax finally spoke.

              “Number?” It took me a moment to realize what he was asking. I tried to answer, my mouth opened and shut several times. Number? I couldn’t think past ‘stay conscious’.

              “Angel, it’s me and you know I won’t hurt you. He’s not here with you anymore and he hasn’t been for a long time. Think about that, think of where you are.”  I did. I thought about Mercy’s shelter, I thought about my bed upstairs, my backpack stashed safely under it, Mary most likely in the kitchen and Eli demanding attention from anyone who would glance his way. “Breath with me angel, in through your nose, one, two, three, four, five, now out through your mouth, one, two, three, four, five.” My breathing began to even out as I followed Jax’s lead, breathing with him, listening to his voice, feeling the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest at my back. 

              “You’re doing beautifully angel,” Jax whispered encouragement in my ear, his lips close. I melted under his praise. “You’re going to let go of this fear. I’m going to help you beat it, beat him.” It was a promise and it was the best promise anyone could have ever offered me.