Mercy's Angels Box Set (15 page)

              Jax had been at a bar. He wasn’t drunk though, but his clothes were smoky and there was the taste of beer on his breath. I hated bars, they were too crowded, men were too touchy feely in those situations and often mistook a no for a hell yes. I wondered who Jax had gone to the bar with and found a small ugly twinge of jealousy lacing my thoughts. Eli laughed as he and Jax played best of five with rock-paper-scissors. It was an attempt to get Eli to go to bed. He was rather hyped up and it had been my fault. I had bought rocky road ice cream earlier today as a surprise and this was my first mistake in childcare, do not feed it to them half an hour before bed. Watching Jax play with Eli made me smile. He was so natural and carefree you would never imagine the blood and death he had seen in his short life. A combination of being at war and Sarah had obviously left him with his own internal battle raging on but he hid it well. No wonder he had been concerned about the scars on my wrists the first time he had seen them. I sighed, wishing I could wipe away his bad memories. Life would be so much easier if we could just take a giant eraser and get rid of the things that bothered us. I guess we wouldn’t be left with the memories of our mistakes, we would never learn, destined to commit the same fuckups over and over again. He glanced at me and winked. He had won and Eli was being marched off to bed.

              I tucked Eli tightly under his blankets and put his night light on. He was afraid of the dark. I guess we all have our fears regardless of our age. I gave him a light kiss to his forehead and snuck out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar so Eli knew we were close by. Jax lay back on the sofa, my bed, flicking through channels.

              “You’re good with him,” he noted. I cleaned up the mess from dinner and rinsed our glasses. I was avoiding sitting down with Jax. We had been alone before, but this somehow felt more intimate and I was nervous.

              “Really? I’m fumbling with him. I’ve never had a younger sibling or relative. I’m not sure what to do or say most the time.” I folded the hand towel several different ways while Jax watched me curiously.

              “What makes you more anxious, how devastatingly handsome I am, or the fact that I am lying in your bed?” Jax grinned and I burst out laughing.

              “Arrogant much,” I chuckled moving towards him. He held out his hand and with only a moment’s hesitation I took it. Jax pulled me down beside him and continued to flick through the channels. He finally found a movie, a romantic comedy, which going by the actor’s clothing was more than a few years old, but I had never seen it. I had learnt from our date a couple of nights ago that neither of us was into thrillers, action or horror and Jax wasn’t big on war movies. Perhaps we both just needed to laugh a bit more. I wanted to ask Jax where he had been tonight, a small part of me needed the reassurance that it had not been with another girl. I fiddled with my fingers nervously, paying absolutely no attention to the movie. There had been a time when I was considered outspoken, even abrupt in the way I might confront someone about something that bothered me. He had put a stop to that, fucking Marcus. The hate for him had not dimmed in the slightest over the years. It burnt inside me so fiercely some days I thought I might combust because of it. Just thinking about him enraged me, the life he had stolen from me, the girl he corrupted with his violence and domination. Who would I have been if my dad had never died? Would I be the confident fearless girl I was growing into?

              “Angel?” My head whipped around to look at Jax, my eyes no doubt filled with the fire and revolt that had so quickly filled my head. “Deep breath honey.” I hadn’t even realized my breathing had become erratic and uncontrolled. Jax slid onto the floor in front of me and held my hands while I breathed my way back to composure just the way he had shown me. “Where did you go just now?” His thumb ran a calming circle on the back of my hand, centering me, helping me to feel safe, grounded. I didn’t speak right away, I needed to collect my thoughts rather than blurt them all out in a hurried mess. With one final deep sigh I looked down at our joined hands then back up at Jax’s patient face.

              “I started wondering what you did before you came here tonight. I know you went to a bar and I wondered who you went there with. I know I have no right to question your activities, but I can’t help it. I think it’s a girl thing.” I took a deep breath.

              “You started going into a panic attack because you wondered who I was with tonight?” Jax asked with a cheeky grin.

              “No, not exactly. I was having a hard time finding the courage to ask you and I remembered when I was younger I used to get into trouble from my dad for being too abrupt and upfront with people. He said I had to learn to be tactful. After my dad died and Marcus came along, I was downright rude and disrespectful. I never feared speaking my mind, but after this,” I glanced at my wrists. “I changed. I became withdrawn, shy, afraid of everything. I hate the person he made me and I wondered if my dad hadn’t of died what I would be like now. That made me upset and I usually avoid thinking such things because I know it makes me upset. Once I got started though I just couldn’t stop.” I let my head fall forward, my hair surrounding my face like a curtain. Fuck I was a mess, why would anyone want to be around me, especially Jax. My body and my mind were ugly and scarred. Jax used his thumb and finger to gently lift my chin so that my eyes were level with his.

              “Firstly, you can ask me anything angel. I don’t care how stupid you think it is, or how much it frightens you to say it out loud, I want you to talk to me. It will help you get over the fears he put inside you. I will never be disappointed or angry with anything you ask me. Secondly, I believe the girl you were before Marcus is still here. You say you are afraid, but I’ve seen your strength and courage. You’ve survived more than any one person should ever have to endure, something like that takes incredible spirit. And shy?” Jax snorted. “Unlikely. You have no trouble making friends at Mercy’s, confronting me, sassing Charlie. The real Ella is well and truly alive.” Jax grinned and I ached to kiss his dimples. “We just need to work on destroying the shit that fucker Marcus has put in here.” He taped my head gently. “What counts is that he didn’t break what’s in here.” He taped the spot over my heart and took my hands again. I wanted to kiss him so bad I couldn’t stop my gaze from dropping to his full lips.

              “What are you thinking now angel?” Jax whispered. My eyes shot back up to his.

              “Did you go out to a bar tonight?” I blurted out. Jax chuckled and nodded.

              “Who with?” I asked, feeling like a stereotypical control freak girlfriend.

              “Charlie. We had a bad day at the office. My secretary screwed up an order and it took us a while to fix it. We went to Andy’s Office on the other side of town and Charlie snuck off with some woman and left me high and dry, totally uncool on his part.” The relief that flooded my body was ridiculously soothing.

              “I had a drink with a woman.” At his words my entire body became tense. “Charlie actually bought her the drink. She works for one of our suppliers and helped us out of a tight spot today. I had no desire to be with her, I did not want her in any way shape or form. I need you to know that up front. But she made it clear she wanted something with me. I said no, told her I was with someone and left. I won’t ever lie to you angel, you can trust me.” I sat quietly and processed his words. On one hand I was raging with jealousy over another woman wanting Jax, being out at a bar with him like a normal girl should. I couldn’t do that. On the other hand he had rejected her and told her he was seeing someone, me.

              “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he encouraged. He was good at getting me to talk and express my thoughts and feelings aloud. It was something I needed to do to help understand the emotions that I was so unfamiliar with. 

              “I wish I could be that girl for you, the one who goes out to have a drink with you at a bar. I can’t be that girl Jax. Bar’s freak me out, too many people, too many men.” I shook my head in frustration.

              “To be honest angel, I’m not into bars either. I sometimes drop into Andy’s Office, usually during the afternoon for a quick drink. The fact that Charlie left me there with Noelle pissed me off and I intend to slap him a good one upside the head for it. I like you just the way you are angel. You don’t need to be that girl cause I want this girl.” Jax smiled as he raised my hand to his lips and chastely kissed the back of it. “The whole time I was there all I could think about was getting here to see you.” Well, I was officially satisfied with his response and I guess I was grinning like an idiot now. “I love your hair, but you do like to hide behind it don’t you?” He pushed my hair right back behind my shoulders and tucked it behind my ears.

              “I guess I got used to hiding bruises, my scar. I don’t like people seeing my eyes, my face. I don’t like them seeing the truth there.” He gazed into my eyes.

              “I like what I see in your eyes, in your face. I would prefer it if you didn’t hide it from me.” His finger traced my scar, letting me know that didn’t bother him and then my heart jumped as he very slowly and cautiously leant forward.

              “When I asked you what you were thinking about a moment ago, I don’t think it was where I had been tonight,” he whispered. His breath was a light caress on my face that sent a spark of awareness from my lips to my stomach and eventually to the warm place between my thighs that Jax was currently knelt between.

              “Maybe not,” I breathed.

              “What were you thinking angel?” He asked persistently. He wanted to hear me say it, he was going to make me say it. Fuck, I wanted to say it.

              “I was wondering what it would be like if I kissed you.” Jax’s cheek gently brushed mine and I could feel him smile. His lips tenderly caressed my scar.

              “You want to kiss me?” He asked. Oh good lord, he was really pressing his luck.

              “Not anymore, with all this talking the moment has gone.” His laugh was low and seductive and I knew the breathless tone of my voice betrayed my words.

              “Really?” His lips tenderly kissed my brow and my hands gripped the edge of the couch on either side of my legs, perhaps hoping to keep me anchored to this world rather than the place of passion and seduction Jax was trying to take me.

              “Really,” I almost groaned as he kissed my other brow.

              “Then, perhaps I should kiss you.” There was no chance for rebuttal as Jax’s lips pressed lightly to mine and my eye lids dropped closed, absorbing his touch, this moment. The kiss began soft and innocent, but when I opened my mouth in acceptance, Jax’s tongue slid across my lower lip in a virtuous taste and then tentatively pressed forward to caress mine. Not a single thought could be processed. I was being kissed by Jax Carter and the moment outshone every single crucial little moment of my life thus far. In this man’s arms, in this man’s hands I was being reborn and restored into the woman I should have been. In this moment, I flew, captivated by the desire that inflamed my body.

              Ella’s body trembled beneath mine, but the response to my touch, to our kiss wasn’t fear. I’m sure if angels had a taste, Ella would be it. She was divine, sweet, perfect. There was no hesitation when she kissed me back and in that moment it took every ounce of strength I possessed not to lay her back and strip her body bare. I wanted her so badly it physically hurt and my brainless cock was suddenly trying to force its way through the brass zipper of my jeans. My hand held her neck, holding her to me and I knew I didn’t need to pull her closer. Ella’s hands had slipped from the almost unbreakable grip they had had on the couch to my arms, urging me forward. She wanted me as much as I wanted her. The vulnerability she had shared with me moments before was gone, she was a woman who knew what she wanted and I knew I could never deny her. The small taste of jealousy she had shown me made me want to beat my chest with pride. I loved it that Ella felt a sense of proprietary over me because hell, if another man so much as touched her I have no doubt I would roar like a wounded beast in anger.

              I finally let our lips reluctantly part, but I held her to me, my forehead resting on hers. I liked the breathless pant she had worked up, her chest rising and falling rapidly.

              “You look smug,” she rolled her eyes and I grinned. I was. I liked that I had this effect on her and wondered if she responded to anyone else like this. She had never been in a relationship before, but she was no stranger to being intimate with men. My body would have exploded under her lips if that were possible. Her kiss moved me like no one else’s, in fact kissing had never played a major part in my life. The women I had been with previously seemed more interested in achieving one thing and a kiss on the lips didn’t really get them there. Kissing was intimate anyway, not something I really wanted to share before Ella. Selena’s kisses had been more a chastising sharp lipped sting to the brow or cheek, never anything passionate like what I just shared with Ella.

              “You move me like no other,” I found myself whispering. It was Ella’s turn to look smug as she pulled away and searched my eyes, no doubt confirming the truth of my words.

              “Well, that was my first kiss, so I have nothing to compare it to.” Her words almost made me topple over with shock. Her first kiss? But she had been with guys before, how in the hell had she got to twenty-two without a kiss? I couldn’t find a single word to ask her how, so I just stared at her like the curious treasure she was. She squirmed under my scrutiny, bashful eyes darting away from my questioning gaze.

              “How?” I finally stammered.

              Ella shrugged. “I just haven’t done that before. It always seemed…” She was lost for words.

              “Too intimate?” I suggested. Her face lit up, bingo!

              “The boys I was with were only interested in one thing and never stayed the night, never cuddled, never kissed. It was actually more my rule then there’s, but they certainly didn’t object.” She looked nervous. “I guess that makes me kind of a whore,” she said reluctantly. Her words stung worse than a bitch slap.

              “Fuck Ella, don’t say things like that. You are not a whore, were not a whore. You were trying to survive, trying to escape a shitty life and you did what you had to do. You were looking for the love and attention you weren’t getting at home. You were a confused little girl, not a whore and if I hear you say it again I will wash your mouth out with soap.” She looked at me with those magical brown eyes then burst out laughing.

              “My dad threatened to wash my mouth with soap when I called my mom a bitch, I was ten.” She continued to laugh and it made me smile. “She was a bitch,” she finally sighed. I climbed back onto the couch beside her, my hard-on still a force of nature in my jeans, but I somehow managed to ignore it, dragging a pillow across my lap and encouraging Ella to snuggle closer.

              “I’ve never met her, but I have to agree with you angel.” There was no hesitation as she nuzzled in closer. As her breathing grew steady I thought she had maybe slipped into sleep.

              “It’s not forgiveness you need Jax, you just need to let your past go. Now is what matters,” she whispered on a yawn, her words so low I barely caught them.

              “Maybe we both need to let our pasts go.” I murmured back. Ella yawned and I lay back letting her nestle further into my side, her head in the crook of my arm. She didn’t answer me and I thought maybe she had gone off to sleep. I pressed a chaste kiss to the top of her head.

              “I think you’re right,” her words a final caress to my ears before she slipped into sleep. I didn’t move as I lay there, listening to Ella’s breathing even out too long, deep contented breaths of unconsciousness. Was it that easy though, just letting go? Memories just didn’t disappear. Forcing my eyes shut, my thoughts were laced with blood, too much blood, like a lake pooling around her pale lifeless body. Fuck I hated the vision of Sarah in that moment. If only I could let it go, if only I could wrap the present around me and forget the rest, then maybe the blood would disappear. Ella murmured in her sleep, shifting restlessly. My arm had long gone to sleep but I didn’t dare try to move her. A rabid dog could chew the fucking thing off and as long as it didn’t disturb Ella I wouldn’t care. I pulled her closer to my chest, wanting to be closer to her, skin on skin, hell I’d crawl under her skin if it were possible. Her hair fell through my fingers like water, it was beautiful, she was beautiful. I was freely able to admit I would likely never get enough of this girl and I was okay with that. Ella was in my keep now, it was my responsibility to protect her and I wouldn’t fail again. This little angel had run long and hard now it was time for her to settle down and have the future and dreams that every young woman deserved. Damn I was tired, bone tired. Too many years fighting, fighting for my country, fighting for my mom, fighting for strangers, a life filled with too much regret which I knew I shouldn’t feel, because at the end of the day, it brought me to Ella. The same could be said for her. If her dad hadn’t of died, if her mother hadn’t of been a bitch, if Marcus hadn’t of come into her life, she wouldn’t be here now, but I could never be grateful for the circumstances that had brought her to me. If I could give her back her dad I would, if I could give her back the life she had lost, I would, even at the cost of losing her. I ran a calloused hand down my face and stifled a groan. I needed a few shots of whiskey to drown my thoughts. I should get up and go home but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the warmth of her body. The sofa was too small or more likely I was too big, my legs hung over the end awkwardly, my arm was dead, my neck at a painful angle and with Ella now draped pretty much over the top of me I had never been more comfortable in my life. I let my eyes fall closed and for just a minute, maybe a few minutes, I would enjoy the present.